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Re: Is there an end to Transference and Feelings for T CarrotCake

Posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 13:16:24

In reply to Re: Is there an end to Transference and Feelings for T Karen_kay, posted by CarrotCake on February 10, 2004, at 5:09:32

Well, I've always been very vague with Bubba. Vague as in giving him details about things. I just don't want to get too close to him. My last session was a disaster! I am hypomanic right now, and I was describing my symptoms too him and he agreed. So, he knew I wasn't in the "right state of mind" so to speak. And I asked how his marriage was going and he said he'd rather not say (Good Bubba!!!) and I asked why not. He said, "Beacuse I have foot in mouth syndrome." (Good Bubba!!) I told him I wanted to break up his marriage so that we could "play therapy" forever. Basically, so that I could have a relationship where someone always listens to me and accepts me. And he kept saying, "But I have NO emotinal attachment to you!" God! That hurt! I know he doens't have any type of feeling at all for me and that he could care less about me, but he doesn;t have to come right out and say it! Then, I told him that I don't like to be told NO, as in being told that I can't have him to "play therapy" forever. So, he said that I have to start getting busy and thinking about my father for an hour every day or his supervisor is oging to switch me to another therapist, who is better for "long term" clients. Basically, I have another man in my life giving me ultimatums and ordering me around. Also, he's forcing memories.

He said that he can't explain to his supervisor that he wants to keep me as a client because I like him and he likes me. I have to show more improvement....

I'm not in love with my therapist. I'm in love with the illusion that there may be a man out there who accepts me for who I am and listens to me. I once saw part of the real Bubba and I didn't like that. That's why I told him we would have to always "play therapy" that he couldn't be the real him.

I think the thing you have to realize is that the person sitting in the room with you is only showing one side. You don't see her angry or really frustrated. You only see the "therapist" Does that make sense. The therapist is like an actor or a role of sorts. IMO, of course. And it's hard to distinguish that person from the real prson you may see on the street or the real person you would be living with if you were together. You wouldn't get the "therapist" role. You'd get the whole package.

My way to deal with the feelings I had for Bubba was to play games, as I normally do. I'd hide things that I didn't want to talk about, things that would make me look bad. I'd try to put myself in a good light. But, as I did that, I also lightened up a bit. And I started to trust him more, as he played along. But, at the end of my last session, I finally told Bubba the reason I do some of the things I do is because I honestly don't think I could catch a man like him, I don't think Icould do any better than my current boyfriend. And he asked why I didn't sy that earlier. I said, "Beacuase I thought you could read my mind." And I honestly thought that was true. I'm so fascinated with therapists. I thought he coudl read my mind. I thought he knew that's what I was doing. I'm beginning to see him in a different light now. I guess he doesn't know why I play the games I do. Maybe he's not as good as I thought he was. Maybe he really can't save me. Maybe he really is just human. That sucks :(




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