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Re: I got my wish crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2004, at 13:01:54

In reply to Re: I got my wish gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on February 7, 2004, at 10:38:54

I'm sorry my suggestion made you feel bad, and it is certainly credible that she is your ideal woman. But transference is a real thing. The feelings are real. If, and I'm just saying *if* your feelings are part of a transference, that does not make them any less real or true. It just means that your feelings are useful therapeutically.

Just something to think about. I'm *not* saying this definitely applies to you. It's just another way (of many)to look at your situation. Only you and you T can figure out what is true for you.

Kohut viewed idealizing as one part of a normal human developmental need. Children idealize their parents or some significant adult other out of a need to develop a healthy self-esteem. "Mommy and Daddy are perfect, and they love me, so I must be perfect as well." What needs to happen, and didn't really happen enough for me, I might add, is that the parents provide something called mirroring. This involves the parents reflecting the childs feelings back to him. "Yes dear, I agree that is good. You are good" is the message. The child needs to hear that in order to develop a healthy self-esteem. If the child does not get enough mirroring (similar to validation), then the adult continues to look for idealized objects for self-esteem, because they were not given what they need to feel good about themselves internally (for whatever reason) as a child.

I just wanted to clarify what I meant by an idealizing transference. *If* this is what is going on with you, it does not make your needs and feelings any less real or valid. I just think they *could* be used to tell you more about yourself.

Feel free to tell me to jump in the lake,




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