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Re: Im about to really loose it. Pandabear

Posted by Penny on February 6, 2004, at 18:59:08

In reply to Im about to really loose it., posted by Pandabear on February 6, 2004, at 17:59:27


I'm sorry you're hurting right now. The only thing I can tell you as far as what other people think about your therapy and your treatment and your depression is - listen to your own self. Do what you feel is best for you. Set limits, as much as you can, with what you share with others about therapy and your illness.

Most of the people in my life don't understand my therapy, my pdoc, my T, my meds, my depression, my insecurity, my inability to remain happy for very long, and so on. And even though many of those people (including close friends and my grandmother) have my best interest at heart - they just plain don't get it.

Is there a possibility of your spending a little time in the hospital? Because, you know, when you are there, you do have the option of cutting off your contact to the outside world for the most part, albeit temporarily. Which can help. When I was hospitalized, I made a point of not allowing certain people (some of them people I love) be able to contact me. I just couldn't deal with them! and I didn't have to. The break - a full week (actually, about 8 days) was good for me. A little scary at times, but, for the most part, good. It saved my life, and it allowed me to breathe.

You need to breathe too. You ARE in control of your life, though perhaps not all of it, and though it may not feel like it - you are in control of certain things - like who talk to about your feelings and treatment and so on. I don't discuss those things with people who I know don't understand, if I can at all avoid it, and if I do respond to something they say, I keep it short and simple, and I put my foot down. It's my treatment. My therapy. My illness. And I'm going to manage it my way.

I know that's easier said than done, and I suspect that some of your life circumstances make it even more difficult for you than it is for me. Is this something you could perhaps talk with your T about? You shouldn't have to hear the well-intended but poor advice from folks who don't 'get it.'

There was an old lady in the hospital with me who was telling me about her history of depression, and she looked at me in such seriousness and said, "You know, no one knows what it's like until they've been there." And I told her that I was glad to hear her say that, because I felt the same way, and I was glad that a person who'd been much much farther in life than I have still believes that simple fact - if they've never been there, they can't possibly fully understand. Oh yes, they can have a basic idea. They can try to empathize with you. More importantly, they can respect that you know what you're talking about. But they can't possibly understand.

My grandmother said something to me the other night about how she thought I was too attached to my former T. I responded, "That's because you don't understand how therapy works. I was supposed to be attached." She tried to explain to me how she did understand, but with every statement, it was more and more obvious that she didn't. I feel that you got the same realization from talking to your boss - and you shouldn't feel you have to explain your attachment to your T or why therapy is helpful. Even if you were doing okay, therapy could still be helpful.

Anyway, try to be kind to yourself, try to breathe, try to take care, and keep posting.





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