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The last few days (long)

Posted by DaisyM on February 5, 2004, at 19:36:15

I don't know how to even explain the past few days. I see I've missed some really good threads - research and shoes (over on social). Last night I made about 8 dozen cookies because I was so anxious I felt like I was crawling out of my skin and had to do SOMETHING! (But, my kids, coworkers, and husband's coworkers got to benefit since I gave everyone some!) I've wanted to post but the words wouldn't come. Now they won't stop, so sorry this is long.

I had my first ever, real live flashback on Monday night. It was about as awful as I'd heard...and I pretty much fell apart. Add in that several of my close friends have had major crisis issues in their life, then one of my senior manager's mom died...and the bank lost a Huge payroll deposit. (talk about a nightmare hour -- they did find it finally "oops, our fault!") So by the time I got to therapy on Wed. I was a bit of a wreck. My poor Therapist -- all he kept saying was, "why didn't you call me?"

So, why didn't I? I told him it was because I couldn't finish the sentence: "I just can't" and I knew he would ask "can't what?" And I didn't want to say, "can't take anymore. Can't help anyone else. Can't help myself." or worse, say, "I don't want to anymore..." He looked at me sadly and said, "all I would have said is you don't have to." *sigh* I really needed to hear that-- not that it is true, because I do HAVE to.

We also talked about the flashback, which was really hard to verbalize. I struggled and struggled not to float away and when I finally got through it, My therapist said he was glad I told him, that it was awful but we would work through it. He made me come back today because I was so upset Wed with the memories and telling. He also recommended a workbook that has writing assignments about trauma and we are going to do some together, in and out of sessions.

But then late last night (I'm not sleeping much) I surfed around the web and read all this stuff about bad therapy, false memories and using abuse as a crutch or excuse, etc. etc. So many people have had bad experiences with termination -- basically abandonment by their Therapists. (Antigua, you are not alone!)

So today I told him about this and he was really aware that this was a HUGE issue for me (even though I feel like an idiot asking over and over again). He said I should check in as much as I need to, he wasn't going anywhere and he was completely OK with what was happening. He was distressed that the web sites were upsetting and he wanted to make it clear that he considers every client to be unique so they need unique therapy and he thinks books are good to use but he wasn't implying that all or even most might pertain to me. (The book we are thinking about using has a strong group therapy recommendation- which had me spinning.) I wondered if he needed me to do this work myself because it was overwhelming our sessions. He said absolutely not and in fact, if I stop bringing this stuff into sessions he will ask me to stop using the workbook. That wasn't the point. It was to build yet another container and outlet for all this old trauma.

But even hearing all that, I'm still in a really hard place with all of this. I told him I just wanted to stay in his office all weekend. He offered to pitch a tent over the couch. :) I told him to hurry up and make it better faster. He said he wished he could. But that I was working so hard on all this, it would happen. It just takes time.

Too much time, I think. *really big, big sigh*

So finally, a question: Have you ever worked with writing assignments in therapy? How did it work out?

And, do you think this will get too hard for him? I don't know how to ease up on it. Now that I've started telling him, I can't seem to stop. And so much of it is ugly. I keep thinking maybe if we meet less, but he is pretty clear that he thinks more is better right now. He did like that I made cookies...very theraputic, he said. "Yes," I said, but theraputic for the maker or for all you tasters?"

He laughed. He said he is taking his home. Good crisis management, don't you think?




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poster:DaisyM thread:309943