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Re: I got my wish (long)

Posted by crushedout on February 5, 2004, at 17:31:26

In reply to Re: I got my wish Angielala, posted by crushedout on February 5, 2004, at 14:28:29

I don't know where to begin. I'm in a daze. It's hard for me to believe, but I still feel depressed.

I wish I could remember how the entire session went. I was sort of having trouble being present during it, especially at the beginning. I was just so embarrassed from having sent her that email confessing all that stuff to her (see above thread).

She had finished reading "In Session" and returned it to me. We started off talking about that, how it was hard for her to read it, there was stuff that she recegnized as her own mistakes in there. She said she found it hard to live up to the ideal of keeping her needs out of the room entirely. I said, "Can you give me an example?" And she said, like when she's tried to fill my needs rather than examining them, like when she gave me the CD.

Then she said, "There are needs and there are needs. Some needs are ok for me to fill, like the need to be listened to, understood, empathized with. Those are needs that everyone has." So then she asked me about the other needs, or did I ask her? I don't know. But if I asked her, she turned the question back to me. I said I was drawing a blank. So she said something about, "I know it's really hard to talk about sexuality, but that something that's present between us," or something like that. I said, "what do you mean by that?" She got a little uncomfortable, like she wasn't sure she wanted to answer me or make me talk. We had a long silence. Then she said she got the impression she was tantalizing to me, that I felt like she'd given me mixed messages. I said that was true. She asked me to be more specific. So I brought up the first time I told her about my romantic feelings for her and she responded by telling me she found me very beautiful. She remembered doing that. I told her I didn't want to pursue that, or other things she'd said, because I rathered to wonder or hope than to know the truth and have my hopes shattered. She said "tell me more about the hope." Long pause. I said that I hoped the attraction was mutual (not able to look at her). She said, "what would it mean if it was?" I didn't answer. She said, "let me rephrase: what do you imagine would happen then?" I said, "Realistically, nothing." "But in your fantasies, something else?" I didn't answer.

That's when she told me she had felt attracted to me at times, and that she's also sometimes wanted to take care of me, and I think sometimes both at the same time. I was stunned. I couldn't believe she was telling me this. I wish I could said my heart leapt with joy. I would have thought it would. I was pleased, but I also didn't really have much of a reaction. I think I'm just generally depressed right now so it's hard to experience pleasure. Anyway, she went on to say that it would be wrong for her to act on her feelings, blah, blah, blah. And then we talked about what enormous needs I didn't manage to have filled as a child (I couldn't understand why I'm so messed up) and she told me she was going to tell me more about herself so that I could idealize her a bit less, and maybe get over this crush a little.

There was more to it, but I don't want to keep you all here for an hour.





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