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Re: Forever therapy fallsfall

Posted by Ilene on July 15, 2003, at 0:19:45

In reply to Re: Forever therapy Ilene, posted by fallsfall on July 14, 2003, at 23:21:11

> No, I have no life. I have only therapy.
>
> Yes, I am Borderline, but not typical. I'm not impulsive and angry. I fear abandonment and have self issues.

What's a "self" issue?
>
> So, you say you have been depressed for many, many years. What is happening now? Are you feeling well? Are you working?
>
What is happening now? I'm flying cross-country on Thursday, picking up my car, driving 450 miles to meet some complete strangers and live in their house while they go to Europe. Stressful.

Part of it is vacation, part of it is getting away from the heat. My kids will be joining me. It might be fun for a while, and then I will come home in 6 weeks, and I will return to my pathetic state.

I'm worried about the driving because I get intensely anxious and then I drive badly, and then I worry about my driving, and then I get even more anxious....I'm also worried that I may have to stay in a motel by myself. It's a frightening thought.

I was less anxious before my father died. I took care of him for a couple of months before he died. Then I was stuck all by myself in a house full of pictures of dead people. One of them was only 3 when she died.

Feeling well? Sometimes I get distracted from thinking about myself, but that doesn't last long, and I start thinking again. Mostly about how horrible I feel.

I haven't worked for *years*. The thought terrifies me. I can't deal with the thought of anyone judging me. I don't work well with most people, either. I'm not very functional as far as day-to-day stuff goes. I become paralyzed by what most people consider minor difficulties.

My pdoc thinks my life has been more traumatic than most people's. I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know how much of a difference it makes anyway. I might be less anxious if Dorothy's house hadn't fallen on me, but I don't think I would be less depressed.

I feel suicidal most of the time. I just hate my life. It's not doing me any good.

> I did OK until my late 30s and 6 1/2 of the last 8 1/2 years have been bad for me.
>
> I do have compassion for the doctors. I know I'm not the easiest patient.

What happened in your late 30's? Or was it just that you couldn't keep the cracks spackled?

My trendline has been down. I'm slogging through, even though I don't see the point.

I know there are other ways to experience the world. Many people would think I have a pretty nice life. There have been a few periods when ADs worked. I have a foggy recollection of feeling okay.

How I feel makes no sense. I know it makes no sense. On the other hand, demanding that things "make sense" is just as nonsensical. I

don't know if there is a "why", other than heredity.

Oh well, it's late.

I.


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poster:Ilene thread:220332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/241951.html