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Intimacy, codependency issues

Posted by Tabitha on May 7, 2003, at 13:41:07

It's finally happened. I have to do all the yucky intimacy stuff I've been avoiding. My therapist says the next step in intimacy is processing the little things, not always pleasant. I've not wanted to do that with friends. Seemed like the relationships lacked enjoyment already, I didn't want to start doing stuff that didn't feel comfortable. Mostly mentioning it when somebody does something that bothers me, saying how I felt, etc, getting the other person's reaction. I don't want to believe I have to do this. But I take her word it's necessary to keep a relationship from dying. Usually my feelings die, probably from resentment over all the little things added up.

So my date is at my place, he picks up a book (paperback) and completely wraps the front cover around backward holding it in one hand. I want to shriek. I'm very gentle on my books -- they all look new though they've been read multiple times. I'd never ever fold back a cover like that. The therp says I need to start talking about stuff like that when it happens.

I don't want to feel like a mega-b**ch. Another issue is privacy and time. New guy hasn't set any limits with me and I haven't found any. I'm spending more time with him than I'm comfortable, because it triggers his insecurity if I say no. That can't work. Then I get critical of myself, think I'm wrong if I have limits on my time and privacy that he apparently doesn't have. Therp also says, if we don't have the same values about privacy, it probably won't work out. But she says maybe he'll get more secure with me. Either way, for now I have to set my limits, and deal with his insecure reaction. I know he has a good support system to deal with his stuff.. but I feel responsible.. or as therp would have me say.. I choose to feel responsible.

This stuff is so hard for me. I feel it's too late to learn it. Therp told me ages ago.. I need to learn to do this stuff, so when I meet someone special I'll have the skills. Is it too late? Or.. do I have to just think of my special relationship as another training exercise.. realize it may not work out long term.. but I have to use it to practice for future.

This is not the fun part. I'm afraid all the good feelings will die and it will feel like just another grim training exercise.




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