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Re: Sexual harrassment/abuse/humour Phil

Posted by sid on May 21, 2002, at 22:47:13

In reply to Re: Sexual harrassment/abuse/humour sid, posted by Phil on May 21, 2002, at 20:28:46

Thanks Phil,
my sister knows about it - she witnessed most of it and thought it was funny. His French-kissing me when I was 8, his making comments about my different body parts, etc. Only now is she starting to find his behavior reproachable, because I started voicing the fact that it's wrong. I was in a foreign country for 8 years and I got back to that, thinking: oh my God, I was abused! I had to leave and come back to realize it.

He does stuff to his 16 year old daughter, I saw him do it (touchimng her breasts or at least trying to while she was running away from him - he laughed, that's supposed to be funny). I could call the police on him and he may spend his retirement in jail. But I figure that's my sister's battle. I spoke to my niece and told her about my problems with him, told her to be careful and if she ever feels like she can't take it, she calls me and I get her out of there. It's all so f-ed up!

The problem is, it's not rape. It's ridiculing, harrassing, in a way that makes you uneasy with anything regarding sex. He used to touch me inappropriately, now it's just talk (since I threatened to kill him if he did it again). I think it's called covert abuse. How the heck do you even talk about this without sounding like a complete weakling? He does it in front of everybody too - how can it be wrong? He can't ever be accused of anything - everybody saw it and nobody reacted! I guess they all thought it was fine. And nobody defends me or my niece, it's as if he did nothing. I talked to my mom about it last year, about how pissed I was of still, after all these years, being treated like dirt (she's 74) - all she said was: he's a man, get used to it, they're all like that. Wow. There's hope! Yesterday I told her that the thing that hurts most is not ever being defended against this creep. He's a creep - his actions can only hurt me so much. The fact that nobody else interfered when I was a minor, and that nobody interferes still, that's the toughest part. I feel like I'm alone thinking his behavior was reproachable.

Tell me what you think (I'm embarrassed to write this!). I recently bought a good bed because I had backaches and it was time to throw aweay my student futon. I currently live in my mom's house. When I got home, I went to my room and realized the bed was somewhat of a mess. I straightened it. He came in - my mom and my sister were there, my noece was in another room. He said: I tried your bed, but don't worry, I did nothing wrong - strocking his groin as he said that. Then he laughed. There's nothing illegal in what he did. It just made me feel like a pice of sh** however. I though: my God, I have to burn this bed ! I rolled my eyes in disgust, yelled at my niece if she wanted to go shopping with me (I had to get out!), and as I headed out, I heard my sister yell at him: why did you have to say that? He said, repeatedly, "it's for her balance, it's part of her balance." There, I told the story. Mpfff. That's what happened on Sunday that makes me want to tell my sister to shield me from him forever.

Thanks Phil. I was just watching the news, and I thought about threats of nuclear wars, terrorism, etc., and this little problem seemed indeed little and unimportant. I do think I need to do something about it, your message convinced me again after having doubts (well, I've toughed it this long, why not continue?). It's not clear what I need to do though. We're in the same urban area - he doesn't stalk me or anything, so I don't care about that. He's ill and I'm big - ultimately, if there was ever a fight I would win! Angry as I am with him, you bet I would win. We just meet (met I guess) at family reunions. I don't want to ruin everybody's life, but at the same time, I need to stand up for myself. I think I'll look for a therapist specifically for sexual abuse/harrassment. I need to get through this and move past it. It is becoming clear that my long term mental health depends on it. I can't continue to go shopping and pretend nothing happened everytime this jerk decides to have a little fun with his sister in law.

I also was abused/harrassed by others before: 2 uncles, one boss and one co-worker. I was so used to being treated like that by my BOL that it did not occur to me that it was sexual misconduct. Again, I was not raped (I would have died, I think), but I was made to distrust men and flee from them as soon as they seem interested in me. That's all it taught me. Beware fo the testosterone driven maniacs. Balance my ass!

Thanks again Phil - I hope you're doing well now and you're over this, or at least that your life is not too disturbed now by what happened to you. By the way, my father was an alcoholic too (not abusive though)! I better not get married at all.

- sid




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