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To be honest or not

Posted by mair on June 8, 2002, at 21:18:19

This is one of those issues that confuse me about posting location - I think its a therapy issue, but I am looking for support too I guess.

I'm really sort of floundering these days - maybe not depressed but way overloaded and stressed and it's really affecting my personality - my husband and both of my kids have complained lately about how angry i seem to be - I'm pretty sure I sound strident even when I don't mean to. As is not really unusual for me when i feel that my life is out of control, I've gotten to this place where I obsess alot about suicide - I'm pretty sure I'm not at risk, but it's very upsetting to me to be thinking about it as much as I do, and just seems to add another layer of stress, to my overstressed state.

My therapist is aware that this is going on - and she knows that I have a much more difficult time in therapy when I'm like this - I lose my ability to articulate things as well as I'd like and I have much more trouble making sense of whatever it is that I'm feeling, and i just get much more easily frustrated with the process of therapy. Some days I can go into therapy and it's a struggle but I feel better coming out. Other days trying to communicate with my therapist when i am upset is such a struggle that therapy and communication issues become just another source of self-blame. When I think that's going to happen, I'd love to skip a session, but I don't.

I see my therapist twice a week and because of a scheduling conflict I have and her own vacation plans, after this coming week I won't have a session for as much as 3 weeks, and maybe even more. Ordinarily, I would be fine about this - I don't feel the level of dependency that makes me feel like I can't manage on my own. Now seems different though - maybe because I seem to be in this persistent state of overwrought anxiety and the consequence of that is having to tolerate the constant intrusion of suicidal ideation. I feel much more frantic about her not being around than I ever have - not that anything is going to happen, but just that this ruminative thinking maybe will get worse and be more difficult to manage and I won't have her around to help me process things.

My real problem (and why I'm posting) is that I don't want her to feel like she's leaving me at a bad time, even though in my mind the timing is lousy. Thus i feel this need to put up this false front of well-being. I don't do false fronts very well - not with her anyway ( at least not anymore), so the idea of trying to maintain a pretense is exhausting. I mean I don't see things being any better in the 2 sessions I have remaining before she leaves, and i don't want to flounder so much in those sessions that I feel worse.

I really just wish she had already left.

Any thoughts?





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