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Re: I have an idea

Posted by alexandra_k on October 2, 2019, at 15:58:41

In reply to Re: I have an idea ert, posted by alexandra_k on October 2, 2019, at 15:24:15

I used to study Philosophy because I had an inquiring mind and I felt passionately about the subject.

I was highly productive.

I didn't need encouragment, particularly. I was pretty self-motivated. People generally were kind. Said they enjoyed my talk. Polite. Etc.

Then, when I was doing my PhD that didn't seem to be the case, anymore. My supervisor, particularly. He could have been 'good good keep going' but instead he started having tantrums (to other people) that my work wasn't good enough. Nothing to my face. I was supposed to (I see now - and maybe I saw then, too) approach him with my belly up being all supplicant requesting he humbly re-write everything for me until he was happy with it. I mean, that's the only way he will sign you off...

And I did not see the value in that game.

I couldn't create under those conditions. I stopped producing.

I also realised that there were great chunks of things I knew nothing about and did not understand largely because I didn't have GED equivalency, even, in things like Chemistry and Physics and Mathematics. I became disillusioned with this idea that I was supposed to be so very highly educated and yet my scope was so narrow as to have... Well... Was I even educated at all?

I am still very angry that my supervisor wasn't like 'good good keep going' instead of 'pooh pooh rubbish rubbish'. That my supervisor wasn't like 'you need to send me work and then I'll tell you things to change'. Instead of hiding in the corner proclaiming to others that I was rubbish in an attempt to effect what he really wanted. Or maybe he did really want me to just piss off. I don't know.

So anyway...

I suppose I did know all along that if I wanted to complete I could have figured how to do that. Said to someone else my supervisor was being a ****** and what should I do, or whatever. But I decided I didn't want to do it that much, I guess. I didn't want to do it. I didn't. Yeah. It wasn't that I couldn't. It was that I didn't want to.

Which is an attitude that has those who can't... Very angry indeed.

It is strange.. There always did seem to be a difference between the internally motivated ones and the... Fanboys. The ones who thrived working as fanboys under the supervisor. The ones who were supplicant and so on. Happy to take out their words and replace them with their supervisors. Of course they don't produce anything when they go out in to the world independently of their supervisor...

And they know they couldn't have done it without their supervisor.

And they have a tendancy to hate me.

And I was supposed to be happy to get the hell out of here anyway I could. And I was supposed to be motivated by that so as to get it done. Whatever.

Only... I didn't. Because I want to live in teh FREE WORLD.

FREEDOM?

I keep thinking... My understanding of Adam Smith. Freedom to pursue your ends. I take it that what he means is... Butcher, baker, candlestick maker. The idea that you aren't born to being a butcher and that's that. Freedom to pursue your ends. To decide on your contribution. Of course that doesn't mean success or whatever is guaranteed... But the idea of freedom to pursue and then the free market... It was supposed to sort itself out.

I need freedom to pursue Medicine. Because of how I have been not treated and poorly treated and so on over the years. And also my exposure to good and decent people. The whole informed consent thing. Whatever. I'm kinda done explaining... Explaining... Constantly explaining and justifying...

It is typically understood that the best and brightest students get the opportunity to study Medicine if they want it. Maybe something about the immense harms and sufferings that would result from a bright person being subject to the idiotic decisions of idiot medical practitioners. I don't know why. It doesn't matter why. Every other country but this one seems to understand that we want out Doctors to be the brightest.

And I always was acknowledged as one of the brightest. That's why people hated me. Jealousy. Because that is what people are like. Even when I am kind and helpful to them (genuinely). I am not a knowitall. But they jump to that sometimes from their own insecurity. I know this because I see how they respond to others, too. How they would tear wings from butterflies from jealousy instead of delighting in the beauty...

Anyway... This thesis was just a hoop. Really. Finish the qualification in the minimum time. That was the game. So I worked hard to get it done. As good as I could by the time deadline. And the entire University went into meltdown that they didn't get to bully me and shame me out of submitting my work.

But then I got to see... If they don't succeed in controlling you with guilt and shame and the like... THen they will actually start violating regulations. If you aren't bullied out of not submitting your work then they will throw your work away instead of sending it to examiners.

That's how bad / toxic things are, here.

So.. The whole internalising thing... It really was a defence against that external toxicity.

The corruption here is very bad. Often it is incompetence, I think. You get these officious types and they can't tell the difference between following a rule and following what normally or typically happens. Toxic culture. NOrmally or typically people are bullied out of handing their work in on time. There is this whole rubbish rubbish crap crap thing that occurs.

Because if you hand in and they sign you off...

They have to pay you more, now.

We don't have post-doctoral fellowships. Don't need them. We only give PhDs to people who will not produce.

We don't want GDP. Certainly not intellectual property.

We have these awful people in charge. They like to hear their voices in meetings. Meetings meetings meetings. An endless succession of meetings where they meet and rubbish rubbish rubbish pooh pooh all the research that is produced to bully the producers out of producing. So there is more and more and more of the university just like themselves. Meeting to have meetings abotu meetings...

I did not come back here to do Philosophy.

We have no journal.

We don't have a single arts journal for our alumni in this whole freaking country.

Professors are writing for the NZ Medical Students journal.

Don't they have their own peer review journals to be writing for?

THere is this.. Is it.. Focus? I don't know what the problem is.

It is torture being ruled by these people. By people such as these. These awful people who mop up all the money me-wards and make terrible terrible decisions about what to do with it. Not even contracting out their teaching. NOt even allowing their research students to get their research out there...

I have been 'this is a hoop, i jumped the hoop sign me off' and they have decided they wish to murder me for my impertiennce.

Tis the kiwi way.

Sigh.

They just go: ANd what are you going to do about it?

And it's the threats (as always) of someone who feels they have nothing to lose.

And I understand teh thing about the death wish / death instinct. They choose to embrace the guilt and that is them...

And I have a will to live, really.

A will to live well away from them.

 

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