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Re: Back on lithium and grateful for it!

Posted by barbaracat on July 8, 2004, at 17:51:38

In reply to Re: Back on lithium and grateful for it!, posted by katia on July 8, 2004, at 17:06:57

Katy and Katia,
Talking about life and relationships, just wanted to fill you in on how my bipolar symptoms were affecting my marriage and all my relationships. In a word - awful. The gripes I had against my husband were real in that he's been dragging his feet about finding work, and with me being out on disability it's pretty scary. But sheesh, the stuff it was triggering about childhood issues was way out of control making it difficult to work anything through. My scared furious child took over and that manic energy fed the terror kept it rattling around and escalating. I was threatening divorce every week and truly felt I'd be better off alone and not subjected to the constant triggering.

I was extremely sensitive to the slightest hint of a slight and found my mind obsessing on letters I'd write friends and family, tempted to write them out of my life completely. I was going around with a brittle angry attitude, telling people off and then regretting it. But in many cases, the damage was done.

The thing is, none of my reasons were delusional. Everything had merit, was true in a sense. People had treated me without consideration, people had said dumb offensive things. I won't get into politics on this board, but I'd get absolutely WILD if anyone mentioned they were not committed to getting the current administration OUT. In short, every nerve was on the surface ready to explode. People were just being people as usual, but I had no tolerance during this phase. I was and am truly pissed off, furious, exasperated by Life. That little girl is part of me and that's how she feels, and in the grip of mania, she is the personality that takes over with no access to reason. But she can't run the show. She scares and angers people and destroys everything in her path. And she is so alone and sad.

Lithium feels like my adult or my witness can step in, calm her down, reason with her. It's weird how this happens every time. My marriage has gotten better, I'm a better friend, my therapy is going better. There is simply no reasoning when one is in a labile state. It's pure insanity and it's so easy to hate and blame ourselves for the wreckage left behind and the energy it takes to clean it up. I know I'm not alone in this. Life is difficult for bipolars. Otherwise, what would there be to write about in all these books lately by people who have fessed up to being bipolar?




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