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Re: Hello gals...

Posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 11:55:44

In reply to Re: Hello gals... fluffy, posted by katia on November 6, 2003, at 20:50:07

> Hi Katy,
> We have such similar experiences and histories and timing of things.
> I miss the carefree life too, but ultimately it wasn't a carefree life for me (but it was fun at times!). It was a cyclical life - one thing leading into the next and feeding off each other. It is rather boring to have to be so vigilant about what I do. I too am mourning a loss of an unhealthy self. I feel I'm in limbo at the moment and sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm female and I have to say my name. I feel a bit like I"m disintegrating and it's scary. My identity is going. I sometimes don't know what I like, want or desire. In fact nothing. I just feel empty. I think it's hard to get past this to get through this part - the in between unhealthy and healthy self.

***I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you for the past couple of days. I feel the connection too. About the identity...yes...it's totally weird and disconcerting to regret your past and try to think of the good days ahead. I "overidentified" with my diagnosis for a LONG time. And I still do it when I feel depressed. But you are still YOU! If anything, I've realized that those feelings and thoughts I had when I was cycling were still MY FEELINGs, just that they were an extreme part of my ego, or lack thereof. When I was first diagnosed, I posted on this board with the question "is there ever a normal after a BP diagnosis?" It's taken me a year, but I think I've discovered that "normal", even if it's still more extreme than most. Someone gave me some great advice on that thread that's never left me...I believe she said, "don't compare other peoples' outsides with your insides." Pretty profound, eh?

>
> I too am on the dsythmic side. For the first time today in over a week however, I had a mixed state. It only lasted a few hours; now I'm exhausted again. I'm just sooo soooo tired. Is it depression? probably. Hypthyroid? who the hell knows. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Never really thought about that one...

***Hmmm. I wouldn't worry too much about the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. That's another can of worms, and you are dealing with one diagnosis that's quite enough for now. And you are definitely not hopeless, dear Katia. The Dep worked a bit for you, so let that be your guide. I will second Barb's suggestion that maybe Tegretol or Trileptal would be a good add-on to your combo. Both have similar mechanisms as Depakote (I think calcium channel blockers??). I've read that Teg or Tri have less "punch" but can definitely treat rapid cycling and even depression. I can attest to that.

***You posted somewhere about not "feeling" coffee. That's a definite sign of being depressed for me. What is that about? Maybe something to do with dopamine...it's bummer, b/c I LOVE coffee buzz.

> Glad your bad day didn't spiral further.
> BTW, I'm curious about my sleeping patterns. I do work nights, but that shouldn't be that big of an influence especially since I only work two - three nights per week. I can't fall asleep until around 1-2 and then I can't wake up until 11/12. I just CANNOT change it. I've tried. Like today, I was late for a 1:00 appt. because I slept too late. This has been going on since I've been on medication about a year ago. Previously, I was an insomniac. But then again previously, I had a job where I HAD to wake up earlier. I feel so caught in a zombified rut.

***Just try to have a regular schedule that works FOR YOU. If that means sleeping late to have enough rest for your night job, then just go with it. If you can keep it consistent, then good. Make your appointments later in the afternoon if you need to.

***My sleeping pattern usually involves going to bed around 12:30 or 1:00 am and waking at 8:00. I'm working on it gradually this week to get it down. I'm now participating in a social rhythm and psychoeducation study at the mood disorders clinic, so I have a "coach" therapist to help me do this. If my pattern is off, I usually get to sleep at like 3 or 4:00 in the morning and sleep for 5 hours, tossing and turning. When I'm depressed, I'll feel heavy and can't keep my eyes open at 10:00, and I'll sleep until 10:00, unable to get going very well.

I'm sure you know, but post any ol' time, and I'm glad we can be here for each other...here, here, as for the glass of dopamine we could share together..my preference is a Fuller's ESB...cheers to you.

hugs,
Katy


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