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Re: Alcohol Sucks! ditto! BarbaraCat

Posted by katia on September 1, 2003, at 15:52:42

In reply to Alcohol Sucks!, posted by BarbaraCat on September 1, 2003, at 13:45:17

Oh Barbara, we really are on the same same page darling.
I made a "pact" with my therapist to only have two drinks at a time. It's been working. I worked last night and had two drinks after work with the rest of the crowd. Love that merlot....
I came home like a good girl after two and found your lovely email about "friends finally...." and wrote you back this lonnnnggg post. I even said something about how I saw a bumper sticker on a car the other day and thought instantly of you. It said something like "good girls don't make history" or something. And I found the coincidence extremely funny that you should write about that sticker..etc...
I went on about transpersonal stuff etc.
and then bleep. it was gone just as I was sending it.
That did it. I went over the edge. I couldn't even cry. I could just moan and squirm in an agitated agony and tear at my skin with my fingernails and rip my hair out. Depakote hair loss? just kidding.
It went on for about an hour, I felt as tho' I wanted to drive a stake in between my legs and rip out all this agitation.
I proceeded to write my pdoc a four page letter and then CALLED him. and left some crazy message about how I was sending him a letter and I need to know if he authentically wants to be treating me. god knows what I said and how my voice sounded. I'M SOOOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!!!!!!
I finally called a friend who came over and I drank two beers with him and smoked four cigs and "chatted" (dr. jekel mr. hyde) about how I thought I was similar to Seabiscuit. I keep thinking I'm a big horse not realizing that I'm really a small one and can't do so much in this life as I think I can.

When he left I almost went to the post box and sent the letter along with a handful of my hair to my pdoc to get my point across. (what that point is now I have no idea). I just woke up cringing and pulling the covers over my face when I remembered that the psycho in me was let loose, not just in the confines of private home, but to public eye - namely my doctor. I'M SO EMBARRASSED!!! I still haven't read the letter yet. In my message I told him I'm leaving him this message so that I'll have to send the letter, I'll be accountable for it.
I called a friend when I woke up and she said "you just can't drink mate (from NZ), your too delicate". I'm going to cart you off to AA. And it's true. I'm extremely reactive/sensitive esp. now on Depakote. I shouldn't be drinking, not even one. Because that wonderful feeling after one seduces me and my judgement goes. Even if I stop after one or two, i"m still out of whack. It's just so hard with my job - restaurant work - to not have that end staff drink. I can't quit the job b/c I'm already drowning in debt.
anyway Barb honey, you're not alone today with your headache/guilt/dread/cringe on this gorgeous day!!




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