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Alcohol Sucks!

Posted by BarbaraCat on September 1, 2003, at 13:45:17

In reply to Lithium Survey BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 31, 2003, at 16:36:22

Well, Friends,
I was having such a great time yesterday evening, felt wonderful, calm, hopeful. Was cleaning house and singing and dancing to CDs while I was working. High on Life, yesseree. Thought 'Even cleaning groaty caked on dishes is fun when you're feeling good'. Decided to write to you all and say 'Hey, I feel good! It's working!'. So what did dumb me do? Decided to 'celebrate' with a leetle glass of wine left over from a dinner party the night before, of which I had none, needing to focus. You guessed it, one glass led to another. I was having so much damn fun that I broke open another bottle. I vaguely remember halfway removing the cork and then yanking it out with my teeth. Have vague memories of the night (oh, yeah, I also smoked a smidge of pot - at least that's what I remember), but the worst was when my husband came home. I don't remember what the problem was. I can always dredge one up pertaining to something he did/didn't do. But really, it has everything to do with how he triggers painful stuff from my past in me. This one thing in particular really did piss me off, however, but not to the extent of my reaction.

So, I blasted into him. Mean and unreasonable, the Harpy had a field day. He mentioned how I only get this way when I drink. I said, or rather slurred, "F**ck you and the white horse you rode in on" (I actually did say that, yee gods). We made up and slept but this morning I woke feeling just awful, horrible. Hung over wasn't the worst of it. Depressed, ashamed, toxic, tired, fretful, anxious. It's a gorgeous day outside and I have the blinds drawn hoping I can take enough various meds to put me too sleep (not permanently, don't you worry about that). I have a hard time relaxing into sleep in this state because I get jolted out of it by a feeling of shame or guilt that I should be up and about doing things, like tax stuff, that I really need to do, not sleeping off a drunk. I know better! I'm embarassed to face my husband and will have to endure my chagrin and the chill in the air between us for the next week.

Hopefully I've learned my lesson. Especially coming from such a happy, centered and optimistic place right before. The difference was amazing - Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde - and I'm grateful that the lesson was so obvious. I won't go to AA since I just don't relate to the philosphy. It's not like I do this frequently, only after I've been 'good' and think I can handle it. Most of the times I can, but there are the times when I can't stop and I have holes in my memory. I guess that's a sign of an 'alcohol problem'. But my guess is that any alcohol is a problem, at least for me. Even one glass of wine tips the scales for me and makes me depressed and thick. Even tho' it tasts so damned good, it's so elegant in those sparkly crystal glasses, and it can make me feel immediately festive and exhilliarated - or at least pick me up when I feel like shit. It may have something to do with the concentrated sugars as much as the intoxicating substances. I'm going to check out Rational Recovery. If anyone has any experience with that, please let me know.

So friends, I know a few of you mentioned you had a couple drinks a night or two before you went into a tail spin. Coincidence? I think not! Bartenders don't ask 'So, dearie, what's your poison?' for nothin' - Barbara




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