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Re: Hysteria in Tsunami! Ponder

Posted by katia on August 29, 2003, at 16:06:13

In reply to Re: Hysteria in Tsunami! katia, posted by Ponder on August 29, 2003, at 15:47:29

Hi Ponder,
I feel so supported! It's great.
Yes, I can sense that my reactions are overly exaggerated and I'm hypersensitive. That's why I tend to withdraw sometimes and brood over the fact that "no one loves me :-(" Because part of me realizes how irrational I"m being and does not want to draw friends into this turmoil. But there comes a time (like today) when I just need to say something about how a "friend" has hurt me - regardless if I'm being overly sensitive or not. And it does diminsh that energy - that energy that feeds off isolation of "no one loves me or I could die and no one would miss me,etc.".

In regards to calling the pdoc, I too get that resistance!!! I felt it today but forced myself to call him. I stuttered and mind went blank as to what I actually had been going thru' but I think I got the point across as I had written down things before the call so as not to forget. I, too, when in the face of the doctor forget totally about my struggles and put on a face. I think it comes from years and years of having two worlds. One face of internal suffering and one external of putting on the right face for the situation because I can't show what a lunatic I really am!!! "hold on until I get alone and then let the lunatic out!"
anyway, it's also about honoring what I'm feeling and taking it seriously and then being able to portray this to the doctor and friends/family. For so many years, I've learned to hide what I'm feeling, even to myself, and to not take what I'm feeling seriously and forgetting about it.
Ponder thanks for your supportive words!
> Katia,
> Hypersensitivity to real or imagined rejection is actually a bipolar trait (yes, this IS a cruel disease). Somehow it helps me to know that, even though the feelings persist. I think it helps with that distancing that Barbara talks about--recognize that the illness is not you and that your current perceptions are a part of the illness, not an accurate reflection of reality.
> There was even an interesting little study about how bipolar people perceive facial expressions differently from non-bipolars. We are like the control group in our perceptions with one interesting exception--we are WAY more likely to pick up on an expression of disgust. Even a split second of someone else feeling disgusted registers with us. Mind you, it may have nothing to do with us. The person may be having a momentary flashback to a bad moment with their boss, or a conflict with a neighbor. But we see it and usually feel certain that we are the cause and object.
> I agree, by the way, that what you are experiencing is a mixed state. The irritability, quick temper, and general emotional hyperreactivity is a give-away, especially since it is out-of-character for you.
> You are remarkably articulate and expressive, particularly considering what you're going through at this time. It tells me you have a lot of internal resources to draw on. You should also know that you are making valuable contributions to all of us on this board. Your personality, courage and insight come through strongly in your posts.
> About calling the doctor: I find that I have the hardest time calling my doctor when I am feeling the worst and need his help the most. I don't quite understand that dynamic. Part of it is the general tendency to withdraw, but sometimes I also fear that he will be disappointed in me because I haven't responded better to his treatment choices (like it's my fault, somehow) or that he'll be disgusted with me. :-) Anyway, I know the feeling, but would like to chime in with your other friends on the board in encouraging you to call in the calgary, your doctor being first in line.




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