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Re: Feeling pretty bad Barbara Cat

Posted by katia on July 29, 2003, at 12:58:24

In reply to Feeling pretty bad, posted by Barbara Cat on July 29, 2003, at 12:12:10

> all kinds of impacted grief and pain are rising and I can't tell if it's 'real' and ultimately a healthy thing, or just mood masturbation. It's hard to be in my skin.

Barbara Barbara Barbara,
Honey, I've been there too! You are in my thoughts and I hope things start turning brighter for you! (For you're own sake, not anyone else's!).
I totally relate to trying to figure out if this is an "unhealthy" thing or "mood masturbation". Prior to acknowledging and looking at the fact that I had a mood disorder, I kept trying to figure it out through childhood stuff, therapy, etc. I wonder how many dollars I've spent on therapy working with my sad state and all the negative and perceived problems that come with it when in reality, I really needed to start working with medications to see what REALLY needed to be worked out and to see what was jaded by the lens of depression. It's so hard to weed out what is healthy and "unhealthy" - mood related emotions. We don't want to suppress the healthy ones in fear we're getting depressed again with more meds. and we're then so hypervigilant like when something like this night you're experiencing happens. We think, 'not again" ,that bottome is dropping out from under me again!". Sometimes in that state, I don't want my mood to get better, because I want to figure it out now! I can't take the roller coaster ride anymore.

And remember when in this state EVERYTHING looks and feels a million times worse than it is. (like your relationship with hubby). It's hard on loved ones too to get this. When they see you so fine one minute, how could you be sad again?! It's harder on us though. They get to see it from the outside and even maybe throw some blame on us - which is like adding insult to injury. There is a book out there called "When Someone You Love is Depressed" by Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Amador. This might help? Does your husband have a support group? It might help you both in the long run.
It is so hard too because you're body is aching all over as well. It exacerbates everything. People who suffer from mood disorders are warriors of the psyche. It is so tough to hang on!!!!!! I'm alone because I've not managed to keep a hold of any boyfriend due to my temperment! It's all so difficult to sort out and live with and just when we do - that damn rug is pulled out again when we are least excepting it!
Be well and write again if you need to!

> No pill is working right now. High doses of benzos, ambien, don't put me to sleep and don't remove the claustrophobic panic. No amount of pain meds even touch the head and body aches. I'm not sure what's going on and the only thing I can think to do is drag my aching exhausted body somewhere to pace it off, write in my journal, hang on until the waves of sobbing and panic ease up. Alone, by myself. I'm feeling more and more estranged from my husband who I don't feel much in common with anymore, and besides he annoys me to tears with constant play by play descriptions of the baseball game, the golf game, stories of things I've heard 9 times before. Doesn't he get it? He's been through this with me before and is now showing great quantities of impatience and annoyance with me for taking time away from his golf game. I don't blame him at all for not wanting be around someone else's pain, but this is not the person I need around me right now. I don't feel safe with my friends or anyone with this stuff because it is so very hard to be around. There is no physical body I feel safe or comfortable with right now. Who wants to be around a very down person when the sun is shining on a summer day? Who wants to be known as a depressive downer of a person? I've been distracting myself from this thing for a while now and just this morning I finally turned around and faced it and admitted it. I can't rail against the exhaustion and sickness (gee, if only I didn't feel so crappy physically...) because they're just aspects of the encompassing sickness.
> I guess it's good to come back to these times every now and then to realize what an immense struggle this stuff can be. Teaches us compassion. Life is hard, that can't be denied. Even tho my filters are usually strong enough to see the good parts, right now they're not very convincing. I'm tired, depleted, scared and fed up with the rug being pulled out every damn time. Sorry to dump this on you but I know you can understand better than anyone. Lithium, lamictal, ADs, whatever. They help and maintain, but when something this consuming hits, there's something else going on. My mind feels shattered, but that may not be a bad thing. Please keep me in your kind thoughts for the next few days. I need support from all kinds of 'unseen realms' cause those are the only kind I can relate to right now. - Barbara




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