Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Feeling pretty bad

Posted by Barbara Cat on July 29, 2003, at 12:12:10

In reply to Lamictal rash. No prob with care katia, posted by Barbara Cat on July 28, 2003, at 11:00:54

Hi Friends,
Just wanted to say, for what it's worth, that even in the midst of feeling better it can get bad. I don't know who else to ease these feelings with except with those who have been there. There's alot of grief coming up, second wind of grief over my Mom, grief of feeling so bad physically just when I was starting to ride my bike and dance again. Panic attacks just on the edge. Not sleeping, sick and tired of hearing my husband go on and on and ON about his friggin golf game, not trusting anyone to not judge me when I'm this down, feeling very alone and very scared. The house turns to clutter because I can't think straight enough to pick up after myself, all kinds of impacted grief and pain are rising and I can't tell if it's 'real' and ultimately a healthy thing, or just mood masturbation. It's hard to be in my skin.

No pill is working right now. High doses of benzos, ambien, don't put me to sleep and don't remove the claustrophobic panic. No amount of pain meds even touch the head and body aches. I'm not sure what's going on and the only thing I can think to do is drag my aching exhausted body somewhere to pace it off, write in my journal, hang on until the waves of sobbing and panic ease up. Alone, by myself. I'm feeling more and more estranged from my husband who I don't feel much in common with anymore, and besides he annoys me to tears with constant play by play descriptions of the baseball game, the golf game, stories of things I've heard 9 times before. Doesn't he get it? He's been through this with me before and is now showing great quantities of impatience and annoyance with me for taking time away from his golf game. I don't blame him at all for not wanting be around someone else's pain, but this is not the person I need around me right now. I don't feel safe with my friends or anyone with this stuff because it is so very hard to be around. There is no physical body I feel safe or comfortable with right now. Who wants to be around a very down person when the sun is shining on a summer day? Who wants to be known as a depressive downer of a person? I've been distracting myself from this thing for a while now and just this morning I finally turned around and faced it and admitted it. I can't rail against the exhaustion and sickness (gee, if only I didn't feel so crappy physically...) because they're just aspects of the encompassing sickness.

I guess it's good to come back to these times every now and then to realize what an immense struggle this stuff can be. Teaches us compassion. Life is hard, that can't be denied. Even tho my filters are usually strong enough to see the good parts, right now they're not very convincing. I'm tired, depleted, scared and fed up with the rug being pulled out every damn time. Sorry to dump this on you but I know you can understand better than anyone. Lithium, lamictal, ADs, whatever. They help and maintain, but when something this consuming hits, there's something else going on. My mind feels shattered, but that may not be a bad thing. Please keep me in your kind thoughts for the next few days. I need support from all kinds of 'unseen realms' cause those are the only kind I can relate to right now. - Barbara




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