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facing the Beast.... Shar

Posted by finelinebob on August 23, 2006, at 1:51:25

In reply to Re: Okay, today..., posted by Shar on August 23, 2006, at 1:03:20

It's still three weeks away. It's lulled me into a false, unconscious sense of security and hit back with flashbacks. It's crept into my dreams and -- it took a few days of subtle prodding -- made me think those three weeks were gone and it was all of a sudden in my face.

That's why I came back here. I came back several days before those nightmares woke me to that stark irreality.

I'm sure there are still avenues open to it to sucker-punch me yet again. But I'm past "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". I'm back attending Quaker meeting (15th Street Monthly Meeting, First Days at 11am for any fellow New Yorkers) and finding great peace where I was once afraid of bringing my own distress into that community. Another meeting, the Downtown Manhattan Meeting, is having a memorial on Sept 7th (they meet on Thursday evenings since most attend other meetings as well) in Battery Park. I'll be there. And my boss knows I'll be calling in sick on the 11th so I'll be free to do what I need to do that day.

But after several years of abject pain I've found a PDoc and the right cocktail to fight that off, and I have 10 years of therapy including some very deep, very freeing, very empowering work over the last 5 years with my T ... yeah, I have the strength to stare down the Beast and reverse the chase. Not that it won't reverse again, but this is one I'm not going to lose.

I'll be back here I'm sure, pouring my heart out when it hurts too much. I hope it's not overwhelming -- I've been told here and elsewhere that I have some eloquence as a writer -- but I feel safer here than on the other boards. Maybe, when I update my site, I'll go onto Psych, tell some of my story and share my site's address. LOL -- I'm received Babblemail asking why I'm here because I seem so well-balanced.

But I'm falling asleep at my keyboard again and work will be beckoning too soon. Time to stop haunting these boards, looking for those bright yellow "new" tags. Doesn't Dr. B know how addictive they are?




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