Psycho-Babble Work Thread 782005

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Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 11:13:28

After feeling wonderful for about 2 years on medications that seemed to give me a new lease on life and relief from my diagnosis of Bipolar II, rapid cycling, I decided to begin to try again, and look for a job that was appropriate to the level of my advanced degree, and more importantly with what I had hoped was my potential and promise as a young woman.

For years before my diagnosis, I had bounced around jobs, resigning when I felt I couldn't hold it together and then taking on jobs when I was feeling good.

But the good times just kept getting shorter and shorter, and soon I just couldn't do any work, except in my husband's business as a part-time secretary with no set hours - working as I could. I do not get paid and my self-esteem has suffered because of it even though I know I should be grateful for what I have.

But I was beginning to strive for a job again and happy to be feeling so good about it and myself.
The problem has been that I have now relapsed and I'm in a pretty dark place - I've not been taking showers in the morning and can't seem to do basic household chores.

I don't think I can follow through on any of the inroads I was beginning to make (I was actually doing volunteer work in my field, outside of my husband's office, and making networks with people, which I desperately need).

Has anyone had this happen to them?

If you did, how did you keep going? Get back in the saddle again?

How do you keep the engine from stalling?

It seems everytime I begin to connect with people beyond the sphere of my husband and son which is something I know I need to do and want to do, I falter and can't continue. It's embarrassing to suddenly withdraw with no explanation, connections don't last when you disappear.

Meagan

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 14:10:52

In reply to Is there hope? Am I alone?, posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 11:13:28

I guess everyone is working.

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan

Posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2007, at 15:16:16

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?, posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 14:10:52

> I guess everyone is working.

LOL!! I stopped working almost 3 years ago due to depression and anxiety, and it's only recently that I've been able to get back into the world of being with people by doing volunteer work. I find it really satisfying on several levels: I can explore areas of interest that I've wanted to work in but haven't had the opportunity to do so; I can pick and choose the type of work I do without any guilt at all and so remain within my comfort level or stretch beyond it, depending on my abilities; and I'm meeting some really lovely people with similar interests.

Also, I find that with volunteer work, spotty attendance is well tolerated, so if you find that you're having a difficult time, it's easier to take a break when you need to.

ClearSkies

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 15:35:33

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan, posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2007, at 15:16:16

Clearskies, thanks for your note; I'm feeling particularly down in the dumps right now, but I do agree with you that volunteer work is the way to go. Even with volunteering I put enormous pressure on myself - but the novelty and the freedom to meet new and interesting people without the extra pressure of holding a paid position can be rewarding.

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan

Posted by Poet on September 10, 2007, at 17:51:30

In reply to Is there hope? Am I alone?, posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 11:13:28

Hi Meagan,

I've been bravely or foolishly posting from work and everytime today I went into babble somebody felt compelled to stand behind me. So, from home, where only cats will pester me, I can reply to you.

I have resigned jobs when I couldn't hold it together, most recently in 2004 when I went into a major depression. Last November I was fired from a job after only five weeks. It took me until this past April to get another job. It was not from lack of trying.

<<I do not get paid and my self-esteem has suffered because of it even though I know I should be grateful for what I have.

What you wrote really rings true for me, I've had many low paying jobs and I should have been grateful, but it's so hard when frankly the jobs were beneath my education and skills.

The job I got this past April is in a field that I want to work in. My therapist coached me on interviewing and is still working with me on getting along in the workplace. Do you have someone who could help you through the interview process? That's what's the worst for me, I get interviews I just don't get offers.

You are not alone and if there was hope for me, there has to be some for you.

Poet

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 20:22:33

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan, posted by Poet on September 10, 2007, at 17:51:30

Thank you Poet. I am delighted to know that you are working in a field you like, and actually getting paid for it!

What set me back was that the organization where I have been volunteering hired someone,rather surreptitiously, to do what I was doing as a volunteer.

I was a self-starter and they praised me for the work I was doing, and while I had not expected them to hire me, I was totally taken aback when they added someone to their staff to take over what I had begun for them.

I'm trying now to gather up the strength to get on with it and do what you did in the face of adversity. I usually interview well, that is, when I'm not in such a dark place. Thanks for writing and giving me hope.

Meagan

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan

Posted by Bonnie_CA on September 14, 2007, at 4:28:03

In reply to Is there hope? Am I alone?, posted by Meagan on September 10, 2007, at 11:13:28

Funny you should post about this, because I'm feeling this way as of late. I love my job, but I just feel so overwhelmed, and the bad vibes from upset students (I replaced someone who had been there a long time) sometimes get to me. I am sitting here, debating if I should call in sick tomorrow. But see, I'm not sick. I'm just... blah. Not feeling it. But I don't want to call in because then I know it will just make it that much easier to call in the next time I feel blah. I too have BP2 with rapid cycling, and I think even with the meds, I'm still cycling some. I think I'm in a low point currently. My house is a mess. I feel overwhelmed and behind, partially because of technology issues at work. I feel irresponsible for not attending training to help myself. I can't focus on what work needs to be done. All I've been thinking about it when I get to leave so I don't have to do anything. This is the reason for wanting a three day weekend. I hate being so unstable!! I want to work and be the best teacher I can, but this condition makes it so hard!

Like you, I had done several different jobs, below my abilities. Never stuck with one for a solid year. There were times I could NOT work. I'm scared that I'm gonna crash and not be able to work at all.

I have no answers for you, only commiseration. If I knew how to fix or avoid this kind of problem, I probably wouldn't be visiting this board. :) But, I guess it's important to know, that you are not alone.

I think the worst thing is how people think you're just being LAZY. It's hard for someone to imagine just simply not having the energy to do stuff. It's hard for other people to understand how much you REALLY WANT to do stuff (work, clean the house, etc) but you just CAN'T.

Hang in there.

-Bonnie

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Meagan on September 14, 2007, at 10:27:18

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan, posted by Bonnie_CA on September 14, 2007, at 4:28:03

Bonnie, Thank you for your post. You hit the nail on the head about people not understanding that "you can't" not that "you won't".

But who cares? Take your sick days and take care of yourself first! It's no one else's business why you are taking sick days, you need to take care of yourself - that's what the sick days are for. So take them, and don't give in to thoughts of what you think other people MAY be thinking. (I know that's a little hard to do for us!)

It sounds to me that you are in a position that carries some authority and the decisions you make, though good, can be unpopular with people, which is unavoidable. But it's also very good that you "love" your job, that's really good.

Perhaps you are not feeling resilient - maybe more of an antidepressant or mood stabilizer might be useful to prevent relapse and help you through the rough times. Have you considered talking with your pdoc and seeing about upping your dose of antidepressant/mood stabilizer?

You sound very similar to me and I'm glad I'm not alone. Did you find that the reason you ended up leaving jobs before was because you felt you would cry uncontrollably in front of co-workers or in stressful situations? That is what happened to me, and that is why I left jobs before that happened.

I am very impressed with you for your efforts. All we can do is take a rest, get up, dust ourselves off and get back in the game again. As Woody Allen said: half the battle is just showing up.

As for me, I find that although I need a mood stabilizer, I get too down and need antipressants. The only problem is that sometimes they poop out and then I'm in no position to look for a job or interview. MY pdoc has added something to my present antidepressant that seems to be working and I hope to continue to make gains and strive for the goals I want to acheive in life.

Thanks again for your post.

Meagan

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by Bonnie_CA on September 16, 2007, at 16:30:31

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?, posted by Meagan on September 14, 2007, at 10:27:18

> Bonnie, Thank you for your post. You hit the nail on the head about people not understanding that "you can't" not that "you won't".
>

Yeah, it really sucks, doesn't it? My husband doesn't even really believe me.

> But who cares? Take your sick days and take care of yourself first! It's no one else's business why you are taking sick days, you need to take care of yourself - that's what the sick days are for. So take them, and don't give in to thoughts of what you think other people MAY be thinking. (I know that's a little hard to do for us!)
>
It's kinda more that I'm afraid if I take too many sick days because of depression or anxiety that I'll not have them if I get the flu or something that I REALLY can't work with.

> It sounds to me that you are in a position that carries some authority and the decisions you make, though good, can be unpopular with people, which is unavoidable. But it's also very good that you "love" your job, that's really good.
>

Oh, most of my decisions have been very unpopular, as I have replaced someone who was popular, and I think he was a doormat too. I'm not like that at all, and the students are annoyed. Some of them are coming around, but it doesn't help my anxiety or depression. I have BP2 (I don't remember if I said that before).

> Perhaps you are not feeling resilient - maybe more of an antidepressant or mood stabilizer might be useful to prevent relapse and help you through the rough times. Have you considered talking with your pdoc and seeing about upping your dose of antidepressant/mood stabilizer?
>

I'm on the highest recommended (and apparently, effective) dose of Lamictal. Don't think much more will help. I take Lexapro, but it's entirely likely that it causes cycling.

> You sound very similar to me and I'm glad I'm not alone. Did you find that the reason you ended up leaving jobs before was because you felt you would cry uncontrollably in front of co-workers or in stressful situations? That is what happened to me, and that is why I left jobs before that happened.
>
I didn't cry uncontrollably, but I'd feel isolated and I'd do a crappy job. I was doing temp jobs, and of course, for whatever reason, they could NEVER talk to me directly about whatever made them unhappy, they'd just call my agency and fire me. I was always hoping to find someplace where I felt like a part of something, but no go there. Teaching is a bit better, but there are some that are not on board with me, since the old teacher was so popular with everyone.

> I am very impressed with you for your efforts. All we can do is take a rest, get up, dust ourselves off and get back in the game again. As Woody Allen said: half the battle is just showing up.
>

Yes! Actually, on Friday, as soon as I got there, and started teaching my first class, I was glad I came. I felt a bit better, and I realized had I stayed home, I probably would have just wallowed in depression and self doubt. I think going was a much wiser choice.

> As for me, I find that although I need a mood stabilizer, I get too down and need antipressants. The only problem is that sometimes they poop out and then I'm in no position to look for a job or interview. MY pdoc has added something to my present antidepressant that seems to be working and I hope to continue to make gains and strive for the goals I want to acheive in life.
>
I know what you mean. Two years ago, I interviewed with six jobs, but I was on Prozac and I did terribly. I didn't get a single job. So, not only was I feeling awful because of the meds, but I had multiple blows to my self esteem. So, I understand about not being ready for job interviews.

-Bonnie

 

Re: Is there hope? Am I alone?

Posted by oldschool305 on November 13, 2007, at 10:21:04

In reply to Re: Is there hope? Am I alone? » Meagan, posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2007, at 15:16:16

Oh wow... I was just going to post a similar topic but you took the words out of my mouth.

Yes, I am going through a very tough time as well with work. At one point, I actually held a job for 2 years!!! I don't know how I did it, but those days are over. I've had some good paying jobs, but once I start feeling like garbage, I up and quit. Then I remain unemployed for a month or two, start feeling better and think I am ready to go back to work, and it starts all over again. I end up quiiting within 2-4 weeks.

I was going to ask how do people here on babbleland, hold their jobs? I have anxiety, panic, depression, the WORKS! One day I feel great, and I kick butt at work, then the next I feel so horrible and can't get out of bed. I get too embarassed to call out of work, so I just never show up again. I NEED to start working again as I live with my mother, and she is ready to kick me out. I want to help her, she is a single mom working 2 jobs 7 days a week and I just lay on my butt all day, hoping to feel better soon. I'm a smart gal, I am very good with computers, been doing customer service for many years, travel agent, administrative assistant, etc.

What are your secrets to holding a job down people? I am tired of my instability.


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