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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:41:51
Um, book club on the 11th of November, and we are hosting Thanksgiving. I already told my husband that I can't cook this year, he is very supportive and understanding. Maybe I can do some stuff and freeze it, but I can barely handle grocery shopping.
The irony about book club is that the last time I hosted - before I got this sick - it was a big success. Everyone loved the book. I cooked a nice meal, with a menu and everything, and I was told I had "raised the standard" for the club. Only one person in the group knows somewhat the nature of my problem and reason for my hiatus. Right now I regret ever having gone back to the group.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
In reply to I like you (nm) » partlycloudy, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 10:49:24
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:55:47
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
I know it's a hard pattern to break. But don't live in fear that you are not as good as the next person. It's all relative. The most successful and seemingly together person could well be struggling with inner demons. Sometimes I think that if I feel too good about myself, it means I am less of a person - egotistical, self-centered, etc. Pretty much all my life I was the shy, quiet one (couldn't speak up in class, a real social retard unless I was drinking, sat quietly in meetings because I was too afraid to speak in case someone thought I was stupid). I could never understand why people were drawn to me and wanted to be friends with me or even how I did so well at work. What I learned about myself is that I care about people. I am interested in their lives and listen sometimes when no one else will. And, I never wanted anyone I met (either personally or professionally) to feel as crappy about themselves as I did. I don't need to be a shining star, but if I can help a friend, colleague or stranger just by lending an ear, then I guess maybe I have made a small difference. And, even though it has taken me years, I am not as nervous about speaking up and expressing a view or an idea in a meeting or just being me at a social function. Try to look deep inside yourself and see how many lives you have touched over the years just by being you. Grab onto that and think of the many other lives you can continue to touch by just being you. Be good to yourself Partlycloudy. Learn to like you, even if you can only take baby steps at first. Don't be afraid to toot your horn - even if it's only in your own head.
Tamara> I actually quit the book club for almost a year because I was afraid to go. Almost everyone there is really nice to me, and when I'm like this, I can beat myself up really really well. When I'm better, though, I still can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me. It's been a theme throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember. Primary school, ballet lessons, and onward and upwards to my so-called adulthood.
>
> I am having another really bad day, can you tell?
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:58:40
In reply to oh, dear. » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
You're obviously much stronger than me - I take the easy way out every time. It sounds as if you really can do it, and do it really well too. Please ignore my post.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:12:16
In reply to You poor woman! (nm) » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday.
Oh God, I need that drink soon.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 11:51:15
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
The title of this thread is "Supporting each other". And that's what we are going to do! If you start getting that panicky feeling - POST! POST! POST! Reach out. Somebody will be here to listen and help you through it. I will do my best to lend a cyber ear and shoulder. Put the pills away please. Contrary to what the song says, suicide is not painless, especially for those who love and care about you. If things get really bad over the weekend, make sure that you have an emergency number where you can get a message to your therapist. Please don't do anything rash. I want to help in any way I can.
Tamara
> It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday.
>
> Oh God, I need that drink soon.
>
>
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 12:19:35
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
I'm here for you, too. (You're in the UK maybe?) I had a good cry at lunch in my car and I'm a bit calmer. Call your T if it gets bad - that is what they are there for. Don't worry about bothering her. If you can't get her and you think you might harm yourself, please please please call a crisis hotline.
I'm so sorry for your pain. My book club from the Very Hot Place read Virginia Woolf and that's what we discussed last night - there's some irony for you.
pc
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 12:32:37
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 12:19:35
My pdoc suggested I read a book called "When Things Fall Apart" to help me come to grips with the misery my life has been this past year. Up until a couple of months ago, I refused to accept that things had fallen apart to some degree. I'm now seriously considering getting the book. Has anyone read it? If so, was it good?
Tamara
> I'm here for you, too. (You're in the UK maybe?) I had a good cry at lunch in my car and I'm a bit calmer. Call your T if it gets bad - that is what they are there for. Don't worry about bothering her. If you can't get her and you think you might harm yourself, please please please call a crisis hotline.
>
> I'm so sorry for your pain. My book club from the Very Hot Place read Virginia Woolf and that's what we discussed last night - there's some irony for you.
> pc
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 13:38:31
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
God, I feel like some sort of Junkie. A few glasses later and I'm fine. I have some Senegalese music playing in the background, and even if the world doesn't exactly look rosy, I think I might survive - at least for a few hours. Ohhhhh! But I feel so guilty. Why should I feel guilty about doing the one thing that makes it bearable, even if in a temporary way? Life is just too painful to keep going, I think.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 14:02:55
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 13:38:31
...and if it means you are going to go to bed tonight and will wake up tomorrow, it will have been the right thing to do.
There is no room for guilt here. We have to learn how to forgive ourselves.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 14:03:40
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 13:38:31
Please don't feel guilty. It's the guilt that makes us feel worse. Keep enjoying your music as much as you can. Music is a real healer for me as well. I listen to music all day if I can. Life may be painful right now, but we don't know what tomorrow or the next day or the day after that will bring. You have to hold on to the hope that in the days ahead the pain will start to diminish. I know it's easier said than done. I was where you are, and I'm glad that I hung on because it does get better.
Tamara> God, I feel like some sort of Junkie. A few glasses later and I'm fine. I have some Senegalese music playing in the background, and even if the world doesn't exactly look rosy, I think I might survive - at least for a few hours. Ohhhhh! But I feel so guilty. Why should I feel guilty about doing the one thing that makes it bearable, even if in a temporary way? Life is just too painful to keep going, I think.
>
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 14:06:07
In reply to This is called self medication » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 14:02:55
Well said Partlycloudy.
Tamara
> ...and if it means you are going to go to bed tonight and will wake up tomorrow, it will have been the right thing to do.
>
> There is no room for guilt here. We have to learn how to forgive ourselves.
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 15:02:20
In reply to This is called self medication » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 14:02:55
Thank you. You are very kind. Goodnight all. I'm going to bed.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 16, 2004, at 5:11:59
In reply to Re: This is called self medication » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 15:02:20
from here for a while, but can be reached at partlycloudy at gmail dot com.
Stay sober and love your life.
Posted by vwoolf on October 16, 2004, at 8:43:51
In reply to I have to take a holiday, posted by partlycloudy on October 16, 2004, at 5:11:59
I'm sorry, and will miss you. I still haven't worked out how to get to Babblemail - is it just the message service on open?
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 19, 2004, at 2:37:25
In reply to Re: I have to take a holiday » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 16, 2004, at 8:43:51
> I still haven't worked out how to get to Babblemail
See:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#babblemail
Bob
Posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 8:38:47
In reply to I have to take a holiday, posted by partlycloudy on October 16, 2004, at 5:11:59
Posted by saw on October 20, 2004, at 8:42:00
In reply to Is everybody hanging in there? (nm), posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 8:38:47
Posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 13:58:56
In reply to Is everybody hanging in there? (nm), posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 8:38:47
Self medicating as usual. Same rythms, same effects. I sort of doubt I'll ever be able to stop. How are you keeping, pc?
Posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 14:02:25
In reply to Re: how to get to Babblemail, posted by Dr. Bob on October 19, 2004, at 2:37:25
Thanks. I had worked it out, and have been making frequent use of it. This seems to be such a common question, it might be a good idea to put a link from the top of the page? Just a suggestion.
Bestest - VW
Posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 14:13:16
In reply to Re: Is everybody hanging in there? » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 13:58:56
I got pretty low there for a bit, and for the first time in my life, did not feel like drinking. Now THAT'S a paradigm shift for me. I'm feeling better overall, tho I'm home with a head cold today. I can tell you that even if this is short-lived, the respite from thinking about that next drink is a huge relief.
I wouldn't worry about being able to stop yet, vwoolf. We all reach our breaking point at some time. Just take care and keep safe.
pc
Posted by partlycloudy on October 22, 2004, at 10:17:33
In reply to Re: Is everybody hanging in there? » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 14:13:16
I guess I found a breaking point - I'm on leave from work because I freaked out yesterday. No drink, can't face it. Don't quite feel like a loser any more, just a sick person.
have a good weekend, vwoolf.
Posted by Allen770 on October 24, 2004, at 9:12:27
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
> It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday. Oh God, I need that drink soon.
I can totally "relate." I "came-up" in Toledo, Ohio A.A. 20 yrs ago with old timers and . . . they'd actually say--I've seen & heard them, many time, tagging along on 12 Step calls:
"Here . . . Here! Take the drink! You NEED it!"
And, of course, they always did. They "took" it. They need to.
Then, afterward, after some "coffee & talking" we'd get the "prospect" into a hospital, or at least away and out of his home environment; "People, Places, and Things.".
This can easily be construed as "permission," no doubt (as if alcoholics need "permission," or yet another "excuse" for a binder), but what I'm prepared to say is just this: I believe that it's better to "take a drink" rather than taking one's very own life.
I believe that, and I think that I'd do so, anyday.
--Allen
Posted by vwoolf on October 24, 2004, at 10:44:47
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering » vwoolf, posted by Allen770 on October 24, 2004, at 9:12:27
Hi Allen. Sounds like you know a bit about these feelings. Yes, it is better to take that drink. I wish it weren't necessary, but it just is.
I'm intrigued about your post lower down about Triptophan for dreaming. When I drink I never seem to dream, but have really violent, meaningful dreams that wake me in a cold sweat if I stay off the bottle for a night. Can you tell me more about it.
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