Psycho-Babble Social Thread 1106401

Shown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I don't know what is going on...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:07:29

I guess what is going on is Waikato is going 'we made you we have the power to end you' because that is the way of things here.

There is no 'if you love something set it free... And if it is meant to be... It will come back to you...'

Which is how it is that I came back to Waikato.

On my return back there has been this whole insecure attachment thing. Tantrums since returning. Tantrums. 2 years of tantrums.

My last thesis (so many years ago now) was about delusions. About how from the literature it looked like clinicians were finding delusions by misinterpreting their clients speech because they were interested in finding delusions. Well, I didn't say that. But I pointed out dialogue where clinicians seemed interested in asking their client questions that had them saying things that sounded delusional. And I was saying to think of what they are trying to express emotionally. So, less denying Cogito Ergo Sum (I am dead) and more expressing emotional numbness.

Was part of it.

Anyway... My supervisor turned into the embodiment of irrationality in the service of emotionality. All year. Toddler tantrums.

I don't know what the issue is. She had breast cancer. Maybe she had brain cancer. I do not mean that meanly. I do not know what the issue is. She is not rational or reasonable. I cannot dialogue with her. Things turned very pear shaped very quickly. It wouldn't have mattered if other people had have done their job within the University. But they did not.

You don't have to have your supervisors permission to submit your thesis for examination. Indeed, if you wait for permission to be given there will always always always always always be more changes required more changes required more changes required more changes... Round and round. For the maxmimum possible time. The student will be asked. Told. Bullied. Bullied upon tantrums and threats of failure to re-enrol for an extended period...

I just submitted my thesis for examination and ignored the tantrums.

But that meant that she decided her goal was to see me failed for my impertinence.

The examiners reports came back and everyone is telling me I am failed. I need to keep working. I need to pay more money to the University...

I followed the complaints and appeals procedure...

I didn't know what to do. Do I stop work and wait for complaints / appeals or do I keep working while the complaints / appeals process unfolds??

So...

Another year later...

The complaints / appeals process is still unfolding.

Slowly

Slowly

Slowly as you like.

The Ombudsmen of NZ.

Which is about corruption in public institutions like Universities.

The whole world markets this thing that the problem of corruption in Univesrities is really a problem of people paying for Degrees and Qualifications they should not have. That is part of it, for sure. What we don't hear about is the other side to that. How Universities are corrupt when they refuse to give people credit for the work they have done. When they fail their best students because their best students make other students look less than the best...

It seems to me that things are very crazy. Not at all rational. I read some of the law documents and the things the judge says and I feel less crazy. There is sensible. Rational. Reasonable. Kind. Wise. Those sorts of basic virtues that I haven't been seeing at the University.

But when will there be justice for me?

There hasn't been any.

I came back to NZ because I knew full well the grades and the GPA that I had. I knew full well that if I did well in science I had a really really really really very good shot at Medicine indeed.

And it seems to me that the Universities in NZ have repeatedly violated their own regualtions and repeatedly violated their own process and procedure in refusing to have offered me a place. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times...

It's my entire life.

I think of how old I am.

This country has wasted my life.

This country doesn't provide me with a living wage. Not really. It provides me with just not quite enough of a living wage. It is very strategic that it is the wage that it is and I know this because of how it varies across region in a way that alwayas makes it not quite enough. That doesn't happen by accident.

I don't know what is to happen with me.

I just cannot believe that things are so awful and corrupt here as they really very genuinely do seem to be.

I just cannot believe it.

If there is anything different or more here then why don't I get to see any of it? Why is it always hidden from me?

I don't understand.

I don't know what it is that I am expected to do.

The only thing I can see is to take whatever pay out I can from teh courts and flee.

I think that might be the only thing that can be done here.

I grieve...

We have epidemics of measles and rheumatic fever.

Maaori cannot read. It would be 'culturally inappropriate' for them to have reading writing and arithmetic. Their tribal leaders do not want them to have these skills. It would be culturally inapprpropriate for them to have the option to have a private medical consultation where they are honestly informed of what is going on in a way they understand so they can decide what they want to do (if they need to see about trying to get the funds for it or whatever). Instead... We are told it is culturally appropriate for them to have their 'required' immunisations only and to have group consultations only and...

It gets worse as they try and keep the proportion of Maaori at around 10 or 15 or 20 per cent or whatever it is in teh face of immigration.

All around the world...

The problem is we have exceeded our carrying capacity for people.

There are so many more people than there used to be.

We don't look after our kids.

The other day this kid died in a student residential hall and nobody noticed for around 6 or 8 weeks nobody even knows. The institutional response is precisely the wrong one. They are saying we need to invade peoples privacy in teh home more as soltuion to tht. Nobody is saying this kid paid thousands of dollars in fees to a Public University in New Zealand and they didn't even notice that he didn't turn up to scheduled tutorials or laboratories.

They are saying 'how did we miss him' (his dead body for so long).

Nobody is saying: How didn't we miss him?

Why didn't we miss him?

This country is not good to it's people at all.

But and so...

I am a good person.

So why is there no way of life for me?

People do not listen.

I am tired of listening to the people with all of the money. All of the employment opportunities. All of the resources. All of the assets. Crying that the problem is that I do not listen to them.

I do not listen to those above me.

I listen to those below me.

Why do the people above me not listen to the people below them? Below me?

This country makes me crazy.

This country IS crazy.

Why am I not allowed to help? Why am I not allowed to make things better?

Me listening to you with all the money and the power and the employment and your delusions because I left this country however many years ago therefore my proper place is to be your subordinate slave forever now...

Is not helping. Is not helping anything at all.

I think it likely is brain cancer.

Personality change.

I do not remember her like this.

But then my supervsior from before... I remember him as kind...

And now I do not find him kind at all. I find him a ditherer. For sure. But now I see the harm that comes from his dithering.

His inability to act.

It doesn't seem harmless anymore.

That I am the age that I am. They have all the money all the work and their dithering... I'm supposed to devote my life to making their life better while they dither about and elaborately confabulate their emotional feeling that i should be failed and murdered in my sleep if i don't want mostest of all just to stay with them and pander to them while they have all the money and the power and the resources and...

While other people (the people living in tehir rental properties no doubt) die of rheumatic fever and so on...

But it' sokay. They don't heat their own homes either...

I am angry because I am seeing old parts of me come back. These head circles were very... Waikato. I think of them, now. I did these head circles when I was there. I remember trying to rationalise their behavior. I remember trying to understand and make sense of their sayings and reasons and explanations.

It's so very strikingly obvious to me now that the problem was environmental.

______________

All the good things in me...
THe kindness
The helpfulness
How I am with students and those who are vulnerable
(That these awful people who have all the resources who have all the charge of me never get to see)

That's why no teaching work for me...

The problem is: People like me.

People like me. And they want to keep me. For themselves. Not for anybody else. And not to be free. Cage teh bird. It will sing in its cage.

But it won't.

Birds...

Complexity of song. It is hard to quantify. People have tried. Apparently it is older birds. Some birds live a vey long time. Apparently it is also to do with health. Cognitive / brain development. There is a bird around here. Not very often. Couple times. Very early in the morning. Very complex song. The other birds shut their yaps. It is freaky. The other birds shut their yaps and listen.

If you put that bird in a cage it will squawk like a retarded seagull scavenger bird that lives on rubbish bins in the central city.

But some people can't hear the difference.

But they know which one they want to cage.

Sometimes caging it. Gives satisfaction. Some kind of mutual stand of. If you will not sing fo rme at least I have the satisfaction of knowing you will not sing ever again. That is the only control I have. I will take it.

I said about people tearing wings off butterflies.

It is more that people will cage birds to prevent them singing... When they... Love to hear them sing? No... They do not love it. They only seek to control.

 

Re: I don't know what is going on...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:38:44

In reply to I don't know what is going on..., posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:07:29

And in response to this there's the basic:

Noooooooo that's you not me!

And

I know YOU are - but what am I?

And stuff like that.

You are projecting young missy. You are projecting yourself onto the people around you. It is not them that seeks to control you it is you that seeks to control them.

It is not them that is borderline. It is you!

And so on...

And now I know:

Where does the money go? Who has the money? Who has the resources? Who is talking (down to) who from a position of power?

I remember:

Blessed be those who have the power to hurt...

...
...
...

Who do none.

It is they that shall inherit the earth.

People with power do not see power as responsibility.

I do not know what is going on when it is at the level of VC.

I want to respect the VC.

I remember what the University meant to me. What it represented.

That went away when I saw how people were bullied in Australia.

That people were bullied like that. That an end wasn't put to it.

That many students (I dare say the majority of the non-Australian students) were bullied out of completing their PhDs...

And I thought... And what's it all for then, anyway, and what's the point?

And I see now that the idea. The ideal. Was to work at a University where kids got to go there only if they were very bright or if their parents loved them enough to pay for them to go to a very good school. To work helping kids that people love. Because it's too heartbreaking working with vulnerable people when their 'keepers' or 'minders' are only interested in exploiting them to further their own ends at their expense.

I fear... I fear that NZ has decided to traffic in that when it comes to educating the kids of the world. The University Residential Halls have the feeling of prison camps. Detention facilities. That's what they are...

But they are public schools. And they are the schools that the senior officials send their kids to. All the money they make out of the private sector they aren't often paying for their kids to study overseas...

So we have private residential halls...

Or their parents just buy up the rental properties and after private residential hall they are matched to 'like minded' peers for the remainder...

Maybe.

Perhaps.

I keep thinking that there is some 'in'. That at some point someone will explain that what is happening with me at Waikato with respect to my thesis is not really their being corrupt at all... Rather it's... I don't know... The strategy for getting my supervisor the help she needs. I don't know...

An elaborate test to see if I can be forced to become corrupt like them?

Do they really think I'll forward a fraudulent transcript to Auckland?

I don't think they can be said to be testing me...

Maybe that is what they think they are doing. To live with themselves I mean...

Maybe they just will pay me out. Because they think I will not deal with how things are in the hospitals.

How there is no privacy and f*ck ups and mistakes and so on happening all over the place all the time I mean. I suppose. That's what makes the most sense...

They just will not listen to me.

Or let me help.

They have all the money. All the power.

And it really is just the level of 'I know you are and what am I'

From the academics and intellectuals.

And many of them...

Do send their kids to the local schools.

I guess... They are happy with their kids living in their basements indefinately...

They are rich. I guess.

Happy.

I do not make them feel good about themselves.

They are living their dream. In their own bubble world.

Too much teaching to research... Teaching teaching teaching...

Trauma bonding about how stupid the students are and how they can't make it any easier and about how they make it a bit random to get the curve... The open and honest discussions in the tea room... How it all goes down...

There is an obliviousness...

Just have to get away.

But again with listening to people...

I am the age I am...

I have worked with my life.

I have tried to.

People refuse to acknowledge the work that I do.

I do think there comes a point where you just have to go. Like... I did my time.

Time to let me go.

I have spent most of my life wishing I had never been born because I do not have the basic things that I need.

When is it my time to enjoy my life? To do the things I want to do with it?

I hear these awful people saying 'welcome to my life I feel like that all the time and that is why I have the right to inflict that on you'

Come again?

I do not do these things to other people...

I am not like you...

Why can't they just do their job and sign me off already.

They have other students.

Why don't they worry about whether the students who aren't in their tutorials are okay? Maybe give them a house call.

ffs.

 

Re: I don't know what is going on...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 6:50:31

In reply to Re: I don't know what is going on..., posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:38:44

'you think you are better than us'

i didn't use to. Once upon a time... I did not think that. But over time... I got to you know you better. I got to know me better.

I see what you choose to do with the money and power that you have.

I see you choose to withhold basic resources from other people and use your power to harm.

And I do think I am not like you.
And I do think my way is better.

Because a game you choose to play is 'haha you lose too bad for you'.... Which is a fine game to play when you are winning it... When you don't have the cogitive capacity to simultaneously experience empathy for the position ofthe other... To have empathy for losing... That might make you re-think playing that particular game.

Zero sum game.

To appreciate that as the overall experience.

The cognitive capacity to have a sense of foreboding about the future...

About the inevitable time when one is the loser. When it is ones turn to lose.

And there is an element of not two-faced ness. There actually and genuinely seems to be an embracing of guilt. Punishment.

A decision to live in the garbage because one feels that one actually really is a bad person who doesn't deserve more who isn't worth more..

People choose to live like that.

But then they want other people to live with them, too. And then when other people don't want to choose to live like that you sort of have to force the people to stay...

These are the things. These are the things the people will say.

To try and control you with guilt and shame.

I realised that. Realising that was liberating from guilt and shame. Now I am seeing how else they go about controling. They will violate laws and regulations...

The awful is that this.. This awful squabble. This awful round and round... Becomes something that happens with.. To.. Time.

People spend their time making these remarks and comments.

Wasting ones life arguing with idiots.

_______________

I didn't know what to do...
They are only interested in wasting time.
They won't sign me off...
They say 'keep working'

I guess this is what happens with people's PhDs. People leave becaue the money runs out. THey finish writing them back home...
They live with their parents of whatever.
Many laughs about this.
Academics think it is hilarious.
Hilarious rite of passage.
Their students beign forced back home to work in pack and save or whatever while they go 'nonononono it is not good enough yet you need to fix the typo on page three and I will go on a 6 month all expenses paid world trip before I re-read it!'

Before they sign them off.

And so this is what they are doing to me...

I suppose there are many they don't sign off.

I suppose that you are expected to pander to them and humor them and obey their beck and call during the process. Otherwise... They wont' sign you off.

In other words: They only sign off on the psychopaths. The ones who brownnose while they are being treated like rubbish.

Then they get to enjoy doing the same thing to the next generation.

Because that is why / how the person stays motivated not to quit -- right? Delighting in the future vision of how badly they are going to treat the next generation...

I really don't want to be dealing with this stuff anymore. I want to be studying Medicine.

Jealousy.

Well then... Why don't you take your riches and choose to study Medicine then?

Not jealousy... Just likeing to keep the person who wants to do it in a cage so they cannot.

Nobody in this country really wonders why their labs don't come back in time -- do they?

They submit their labs for examination and...

And...

Uh...

Yeah.

Thankyou very much for all your data.

_________

And so that's the way it must be?


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