Psycho-Babble Social Thread 1094261

Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Hard time attracting women...anyone?

Posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

Hi all,

It has been awhile, but I have returned (oh no!! lol). Well, one major problem I am having is attracting women. They see I don't have a car, and I am on a temporary pension, and they pass me by. Now I am a not-bad looking, so I have been told, and that I easily look atleast 20 years my age.It seems women want a guy with money, and a jon. I can't help that I am ill (women even remark in profiles they don't want any guy on any ?eds!!) The popular stupid phrase is "complete drama free" on,y liking haveing bbq's with "friends and family)!! Well, most of my family are dead. I don't have a lot of frends, nor money, buy thrive on reading and phlosopby and psychology anf music of any kind...I mean ANY! I am going back to school in the Fall for Human Resouces. So, any, all opinions appreciated. Oh ya, I also have a degree in social work. And drama IS life. Falling in love, closeone dying, illness, and losing a job, are just one in a million experieces in life. Plays,movies, music is ALL dramatic!!

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone?

Posted by baseball55 on July 30, 2017, at 18:15:31

In reply to Hard time attracting women...anyone?, posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

I expect by no drama, people mean no crazy tantrums, fights, suicide attempts, etc. There are people who "create" drama - or maybe chaos is a better word - in relationships. People with substance abuse problems (stealing money, overdosing, flying into rages), BPD (flying into rages, unreasonable jealousy, etc.), other personality disorders. My mother-in-law had what I like to call (but which the DSM no longer cites) histrionic personality disorder - all she did was create drama, manipulate people, cry, throw tantrums, endless self-pity and overall craziness. So unless you are like this, then you can honestly call yourself drama-free.

The other issue though is more complicated. I've never done internet dating sites, but it seems like people can automatically reject you based on specified criteria - no job, no. Takes meds, no.

Maybe a better way to meet women is to do some kind of volunteer or community projects where people get to know you first as you, rather than as a check-list.

But I was married for 37 years and am now happily single. I've never really been in the dating game in my life. So what do I know?

Good luck to you. Hope other people have constructive suggestions.

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne

Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2017, at 1:27:03

In reply to Hard time attracting women...anyone?, posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

X2 on people getting to know you.

I can tell my story so I wouldn't want to meet me... Even my best case, I'm not sure I would want to meet me.

But then, if I met me, as an actual other person, I think we'd get along just fine. I don't know that I'd want to date me... But you get the general idea.

Some of the more dubious friends I've had (on paper) were some of the people who most solidly and genuinely had my back through some of my hardest times.

They were people who I enjoyed doing things with. Going for walks and stuff like that. Maybe because the actual walk was enjoyable and we were able to just kind of enjoy it together.

I guess that's why people join clubs and stuff. So they are more likely to meet people who they can enjoy spending time with since they enjoy doing the same things.

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone?

Posted by rjlockhart37 on August 1, 2017, at 22:36:06

In reply to Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2017, at 1:27:03

you just develop a class and style before everyone sees you, make sure it's for real and not looking like your trying to impress, smile alot and have a style how you interact with people

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne

Posted by beckett2 on August 2, 2017, at 3:12:12

In reply to Hard time attracting women...anyone?, posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

School might open things up for you. Peers will see your depth and sensitivity to experience. I find that attractive. I hear you about not having a car or job. That makes things more difficult. Maybe if you keep letting your personality shine, and in school, you'll meet someone interested in you. My sense is you have a lot to offer a relationship. Chin up.

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne

Posted by Tabitha on August 2, 2017, at 19:47:13

In reply to Hard time attracting women...anyone?, posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

Hi Jay,

Just some thoughts coming from my own experience as a person who found a great partner despite a lifetime of sub-par social/romantic skills and a market value that dropped sharply on losing that all-important female youth factor:

1. Don't be discouraged by what happens on dating sites or singles events. Those setups are all about mainstream market value. Think of yourself as more of a niche product. You have to work harder to find your market.

2. Special interest groups are a good resource. It's good to be in a group where the focus is on that fun thing you're all obsessed with. In that situation, people are less likely to be sizing each other up based on socio-economic status or social adroitness.

3. It can be good to re-kindle relationships with people from the past (neighbors, school, work) that you got on well with. They're less likely to be judging you solely based on current situation.

Finally, consider whether your own selection criteria might be making things harder for you. You want to be looking mainly for someone that has (1) good character and (2) really wants to be with you. Don't waste energy pursuing anyone who's lacking in either of those areas.

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone?

Posted by SLS on August 3, 2017, at 1:04:02

In reply to Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne, posted by Tabitha on August 2, 2017, at 19:47:13

GREAT ADVICE!

I'll take it.


- Scott


--------------------------------------------------

> Hi Jay,
>
> Just some thoughts coming from my own experience as a person who found a great partner despite a lifetime of sub-par social/romantic skills and a market value that dropped sharply on losing that all-important female youth factor:
>
> 1. Don't be discouraged by what happens on dating sites or singles events. Those setups are all about mainstream market value. Think of yourself as more of a niche product. You have to work harder to find your market.
>
> 2. Special interest groups are a good resource. It's good to be in a group where the focus is on that fun thing you're all obsessed with. In that situation, people are less likely to be sizing each other up based on socio-economic status or social adroitness.
>
> 3. It can be good to re-kindle relationships with people from the past (neighbors, school, work) that you got on well with. They're less likely to be judging you solely based on current situation.
>
> Finally, consider whether your own selection criteria might be making things harder for you. You want to be looking mainly for someone that has (1) good character and (2) really wants to be with you. Don't waste energy pursuing anyone who's lacking in either of those areas.

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne

Posted by Deneb on September 12, 2017, at 15:51:42

In reply to Hard time attracting women...anyone?, posted by Jay_OriginalOne on July 30, 2017, at 10:54:18

Good looks certainly help, but I don't think that it's as important as the media makes it appear sometimes. It certainly wasn't much of a consideration in my life, or my fiance's life.

I think that there is nearly always someone who is a good enough fit for anyone who is interested in relationships. There are people out there who don't care if you live at home, have a car, or a job, or anything else you might think would be a barrier.

In fact, sometimes it's these "negatives" that attract someone.

For me, it was more important to find someone in the same life stage as me than someone who was "successful" in the traditional sense. Since I'm very behind in life and career success compared to others my age, naturally the people I was attracted to were not as "successful" according to society.

What attracts me the most are sensitive men, men who don't anger quickly, men who are humble, reliable, trustworthy, men with good loving friends and family, and men who understand my introverted ways.

I'm sure that there are women out there who are attracted to the opposite traits. People are weird, different, and irrational. I think it's wonderful.

The trick of course is finding these people.

I don't know about other people, but I didn't have success with online dating. Making friends first, then finding a partner from the pool of friends organically through a shared interest in an activity was what worked for me.

Neither my fiance or I liked the idea of shopping for love like you would at the grocery store, picking and discarding people based on surface impressions. It just didn't seem right to us to treat people like that.

I didn't read any of the other posts, so I hope my post is relevant. I wish you luck!

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Deneb

Posted by SLS on September 13, 2017, at 18:20:07

In reply to Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Jay_OriginalOne, posted by Deneb on September 12, 2017, at 15:51:42

Beautiful post, Deneb.


> Good looks certainly help, but I don't think that it's as important as the media makes it appear sometimes. It certainly wasn't much of a consideration in my life, or my fiance's life.
>
> I think that there is nearly always someone who is a good enough fit for anyone who is interested in relationships. There are people out there who don't care if you live at home, have a car, or a job, or anything else you might think would be a barrier.
>
> In fact, sometimes it's these "negatives" that attract someone.
>
> For me, it was more important to find someone in the same life stage as me than someone who was "successful" in the traditional sense. Since I'm very behind in life and career success compared to others my age, naturally the people I was attracted to were not as "successful" according to society.
>
> What attracts me the most are sensitive men, men who don't anger quickly, men who are humble, reliable, trustworthy, men with good loving friends and family, and men who understand my introverted ways.
>
> I'm sure that there are women out there who are attracted to the opposite traits. People are weird, different, and irrational. I think it's wonderful.
>
> The trick of course is finding these people.
>
> I don't know about other people, but I didn't have success with online dating. Making friends first, then finding a partner from the pool of friends organically through a shared interest in an activity was what worked for me.
>
> Neither my fiance or I liked the idea of shopping for love like you would at the grocery store, picking and discarding people based on surface impressions. It just didn't seem right to us to treat people like that.
>
> I didn't read any of the other posts, so I hope my post is relevant. I wish you luck!

 

Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone?

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 3, 2017, at 2:52:49

In reply to Re: Hard time attracting women...anyone? Deneb, posted by SLS on September 13, 2017, at 18:20:07

I am here with you. I fail on dating apps. Maybe i need some better pictures. I work in retail which isnt very attractive for women. Maybe i should avoid the topic.


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.