Psycho-Babble Social Thread 1093729

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.


my friends...

Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:34:16

are my friends...
of course they are.
and they are important to me.
and it is important to have friends...


i don't think they want me to succeed in life.
in the things that i want in life.
to have any real power over my life.
i think they want me to remain poor and dependent...
for the same reason as my mother...
they think they would never see me, otherwise.


if that is true...
it is only true because of how they treat me.
because... i've learned to be kind to me, over the years.
if you want me to help you make x
and then you say 'i want you to do y'
and then you criticise me or get upset with me for doing it differently to how you would do it...
then because i find that so very unpleasant i try and preempt it by asking:
'and how, exactly do you want me to do that'
and then (after perhaps making a bit of a case for doing things a bit differently) complying...
and it feels to me like making you happy involves me always putting aside myself and doing exactly what you want me to do exactly when you want me to do it which is...
fun for you
and a lot less fun for me.

of course.

and instead of eating and drinking what i want when i want (since i am fairly in touch with my body and it's needs and desires) if we are only supposed to eat and drink what you want when you want it since you are in touch with you...

or are in control of the food...

or of the budget...

and nobody gets to see me.

nobody gets to experience what a...


host i would be if i had control of those things.

nobody gets to experience how much control i would give back (part of the whole being gracious thing) if i were in control of those things.

it's odd to me that people assume that i would give them nothing at all if i had such power.

the only reason why they work as hard as they do on the jobs that they do... is to have such power.

how did my friends come to sell out?

i think that is the thing... they traded their souls for money... i remember them how they used to be... young... liberal... working class... they wanted to make the world a better place for the underprivileged... for the kids... 'like them'. but then they got offered cocktails and parties and free telecommunications and world travel and wardrobes and all the perks of the ruling class... and now they are deaf, dumb, and blind to what is going on in the country around them to the people just like them... just like how they used to be.

they sold out. oh yes, they did.

i didn't sell out. i hope i never do.

i know i will need to trade freedom in order to get a job. in order to have... down the track... control over my own living circumstance. ultimately to be a homeowner. i don't need people pets the way other people do... and that scares people. what i want is the means to retain my own independence.

they don't want to know. that's what freaks me out. this last 'earthquake'. ask someone who knows about different kinds of waves... ask someone who knows who was there to experience. to see what was going on in the sky. or... don't then. don't put 2 and 2 together. because... you profit. and because you are scared to not profit.

because... there is this sh*tty notion of a hierarchy. because people are no different than animals according to them... no difference. it's all about hierarchy... it's all about taking what you can get for as long as you can get it...

i made the right decision. i'm not scared. i think people need to know we've retained our humanity. we aren't afraid to be people. i'm not. i'd rather retain my human dignity.

what the hell happened to my friends?

i... shouldn't feel... superior. i shouldn't feel virtuous. i have been lucky this last semester. things are changing here. i do not know what will happen with me. they are my friends and some things about them i love very much...

but they are slaves to facebook
to blasting television
to people doing what they say because they are richer / in command...

and i'm happy that i'm not like any of that... that i do not have to be...

and that i do not feel afraid. i do not feel afraid enough to need to take refuge in such things. to pretend that nothing special is going on... to believe that everything is okay...

to not put two and two together.

they used to be able to... or maybe they didn't. maybe they didn't. i don't know. i... am not so very much like them...


people don't want to know...

Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:45:14

In reply to my friends..., posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:34:16

often people don't want to know.
and i find that very odd.

my mother doesn't want to know.
if i say that i went to this talk by the hospice people and they were saying that euthenasia just doesn't happen in this country at all... nobody is ever killed by being given a lethal dose of painkiller...
and i say (afterwards to them) that everybody knows that's not true, because everybody knows of a case of their aunties cousins sisters daughter who got x terminal disease and they said 'get the family together within 24 hours' and then they were given a dose of medication and they 'unexpectedly' passed off gently in their (totally unrelated) sleep...

only my mother was like 'that's not what happened to your grandpa'.

except, of course, it was.

i said to the hospice people that it was totally disingenuous their continually pretending like these things don't happen on a routine basis... and they said... they said... that some people were very much opposed to / afraid of going into hospice care for the reason that they thought that people went in to hospice care in order to die. and, uh, that it helped people go into hospice care if the hospice workers could continually reassure them that hospice had taken the hard line on euthenasia. such things shouldn't happen in new zealand. that hospice didn't want them to happen. that hospice didn't believe in them.

except, of course, that that's just... telling people what they want to hear.

instead of facing up to the way things are... and then engaging in an intelligent discussion around the issue... it has been decided that denial is the best strategy. we just keep saying over and over and over that we don't believe in such things and we don't want anything to change.

we don't want anything to change.

so who makes these decisions at present - given that we don't want anything to change?

nobody wants to know because that's truly frightening.

there is a lot of that about... and people really don't want to know.

i've always wanted to know. even when knowing was painful. when most people for most of my life have tried to blame me for various things (mostly for how much i hurt). i thought i needed to be truly brave and really examine myself for the faults they were determined i had... only.... in my process of self discovery... a process most of them haven't had the balls to go on for themselves.... i've found that mostly... there really isn't very much of anything wrong with me. not least because... of my willingness and ability to really examine myself and to face up to some of my weaknesses and insecurities etc....

but there's an awful lot wrong with the world. for people willing to look at that... instead of pretending that there's nothing wrong... and blaming the people around them...

a lot of people in this society don't want health care. they would rather pop out kids and then die early. my father wanted to die. that's why he smoked himself to death. that's why he didn't have cancer care health insurance. it wasn't like he couldn't have afforded it. he'd had enough.

there really are lots of people like that.

only... there are a few... who aren't. there really are a few who aren't. i worry about them. about those ones. because it's like we pretend they don't exist. because of the masses. because most people don't want to look after themselves... those who do... those who are doing their best but they don't know what to do, and they just want a little bit of expert help... those latter people, well, they're just not allowed.

i'm not sure why most people keep getting to ruin things for everyone.


Re: people don't want to know...

Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:58:10

In reply to people don't want to know..., posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:45:14

I found this book in the public library. i can't remember what it is called. i didn't read much of it. something something about 'i have 3 dollars in my pocket'. a novel. written by a melbourne lawyer. probably a misquote:

in order to be successful in life i don't need to pursue success. all i need is for my success to be tied to the failure of people who's failure is inevitable.

i think that is what nz society runs on. why there is so much in the way of incompetence in command.

if you play your cards right all you gotta do is nod and smile and play dumb and bide your time.

i really wish this wasn't the case. philosophy taught me... to find controvery and dispute in things. but taking a 'real world' step back... so much is beyond controvery. so fairly obviously to everyone better than the way things are at present. but we don't even seem able to effect much in the way of any of that...


med app...

Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 23:07:52

In reply to Re: people don't want to know..., posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:58:10


they are very clear that they won't enter in to any correspondence about why an application is culled.


if they discriminated against me on the grounds of disability (i.e., if they decided 'no' on the grounds of some of my medical file history) then they don't need to disclose that. which is, of course, just as well, since we do at least give some nominal sort of nod every now and then to human rights...

in my time here i've gotten to know people... they've gotten to know me... this is partly why i'm moving into a residential hall (in case they think my MPI (that seems to be the codeword for spy people) landlord didn't keep good enough security tabs on me this semester)...

apparently i need to make a disability / equity case...

the admissions lady seemed pleased with me when I raised the issue. 'i said that i didn't know of any reason why i couldn't perform appropriate professional duties etc because i really didn't think that my history / dx would affect me'.

she said 'oh, that's just so we make sure that people receive appropriate supports'.

i said (magic words): 'i really don't believe that's the case. suppose there were people whose job it was to look after the dr's to make sure they were all doing okay... then who are the people looking after the sick people, again?'

she said i needed to make an equity case.

it's a hard one, though. because i can't accuse them of discriminating against me on grounds of disability... though it's increasingly looking like that's what in fact happened.

anyway... apply this year. if i don't get to do it... i don't know what i'll do. honestly. i don't want to do anything else. i start thinking i may as well end my life if i don't get to do it because i don't want to keep living with such little control over my own life... i know it sounds kind of cheesy... but i really do start to feel like that. i'm not happy staying on welfare indefinately... and i wouldn't be happy with a job in the capitol where my job is to... inevitably fail. or... something...

anyway... onward, ho.


Re: the clothing situation

Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2016, at 1:14:57

In reply to med app..., posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 23:07:52

And I was perhaps unfair to my friends.

i've been having a hard time with clothes since moving back from Aussie. Haven't really brought much in the way of anything. I remember that in Aussie I had a few issues, too... But not quite so bad since I'd had a bit more money to spend on clothes, I supposed...

Things have gotten worse, here. Or maybe it is that I have gotten older and wiser. I think probably some sort of weird combination of both.

I've been thinking for a while now that I'm tired of branding on rubbish product. There are so many stores selling rubbish at such high prices... Where is it that I can get quality stuff? Functional stuff. Like... Gym gear that doesn't go see through when you sweat or move about in it. Not that I'm talking about gym gear right now. But other gear... Stuff that stays put. Where do you find... Comfortable sensible clothes that are nicely cut that are made from natural fibres?

Anyway... Looking into motorcycle safety equipment... And they really do have some nice looking leather jackets (for another day). But they do jeans, too, and I got looking into jeans. You can slot pads / armour into knee panels, you see. Then some people online were saying that they really weren't all that different from a quality pair of American denim jeans... And I wasn't sure...

There is a Levi's store here... But it's all spandex. Elastane fibres that break down so they go baggy in all the wrong places so you need to buy another pair of jeans next year... Styles that are... Precarious. Styles that are invented only to go out of style six months down the track... Even looking online... It isn't about providing different options so that different people with different body types / shapes and different personal preferences of styles get to find what they are looking for... It is about pricing structures and the premium style is the premium style and it's all just designed to... Make you feel (and even look) bad... They even had 501's. In the sale pile. 3/4 pants with rips all over them... wtf??


I thought maybe to forget denim... I had faint memories of Dockers or Dickies or... Corduroy trousers... Cargo pants.... And I wondered where on earth you were supposed to get such things anymore.

And then I thought... School uniforms. Some schools have good wool blazers... And proper woollen trousers... Pretty sure... And so then I find all these stores that sell work clothes. All kinds of work clothes. For firefighters and road workers and ambulance officers and welders. For butchers. For food service industry. For health. And there is even corporate stuff amongst that... And of course there is a lot of rubbish... But there is also a lot of... Basically what I was looking for. Heavy duty stuff that can stand up to a lot of washing and doesn't need ironing or tucking in. Stuff that is designed to stay put when you move about. Stuff with useful pockets.

And it looks like... I've just solved my clothing problem. Cotton t-shirts and shirts and hoodies and trackies and cargo-type pants and dress pants... All... Generic... No branding. Even jeans... Only 1 or 2% elastane and I suppose that simply is the best you can do, these days.

I've realised... I was only avoiding buying new clothes because I knew what I wanted and I didn't know where to find it... Because shop assistants never take to me... Because... I just will never understand the joy that people find (or the self-flagellation, perhaps) in clothes shopping...

I suppose I see how it can be like art... In a sense... But it isn't that to me. Not when I don't have the most basic...

I suppose I missed out on this because of not working. I don't know.


Re: the clothing situation alexandra_k

Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2017, at 16:45:00

In reply to Re: the clothing situation, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2016, at 1:14:57

I also like functional, and durable clothes. Women's clothes tend to be flimsy with no pockets. They're not designed to last.

If you're tall enough, maybe men's clothes might be an option. I love that they have lots of pockets, are more durable, and more comfortable.

I'm short even for female standards, so men's clothes aren't usually an option for me.

Uniforms can provide more of what you're looking for. I have a pair of grey cargo like scrub pants with 5 fully functional pockets that I love. Security/police/paramedic pants also tend to have a lot of pockets.

Can you tell that I have a thing for pockets? Lol

Second hand stores may also have some older, more durable clothes too.

I hope you can find clothes that you like!

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