Psycho-Babble Social Thread 1045365

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Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:05

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:10:10

the problem is that where i am at now... without bus tickets... is a prison.

i can't walk anywhere useful. except the supermarket. which is no longer useful.

there is no respite from the f*ck*ng motorway

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:57

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:05

all that is left is to give in to the f*ck*ng tv and the sedatives.

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:53:31

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:57

it is the entitlement that people don't like.

i'm not allowed to feel entitled.

other people are allowed to feel entitled on my behalf.

and if they feel that way inclined then what is happening is not acceptable.

but one is not allowed to feel entitled on ones own behalf.

one needs to present with humility. that way others are more likely to feel entitled on your behalf. and if you are humble and someone else is entitled on your behalf then you get assistance. but if you are entitled on your own behalf you will only get blocked.

even when the government talks about how as a citizen of this country you are in fact 'entitled' (their words) to this and that... you are also 'entitled' to ask what your 'entitlements' are - and government workers are under legal obligation to tell you... but their telling you this is their feeling entitled on your behalf. which is acceptable. it is only when you internalize it on your own behalf that you have crossed the line. you are allowed to use it to help others... but you have to be embedded, you see. you have to have to have to have to absolutely must have other indivdiuals who will help you or carry you or otherwise... you will die. or you deserve to die. because you simply aren't allowed to be independent, you see. unless you are rich. and then you get privacy, too. and only then.

whether they will or whether they won't inform you of your entitlement is at their discretion. the fussy little manipulations they can or cannot make depending on their inclination and level of intelligence. 'no, we can't help you with that'. is one answer but 'no, we can't help you with that - but if you spend your food money on that then i'll give you a food voucher' is another. 'no we can't assist you with transport costs' is one and 'no we can't assist you with transport costs - but if you paid more rent to live closer we'd help you with your increase in rent' is another. and they aren't legally obliged to tell you about the second unless you specifically ask, you see. so it all comes down to their discretion.

it means that if you have your priorities in order (like myself - food is pretty important. rent is pretty important) then you find yourself struggling a great deal. but if you totally f*ck up your priorities so you spend all your money on a bus ticket and then you go cry about your stupidity to work and income they will feel sorry for you and give you a food voucher. people probably get a darwin award bonus if they actually do succeed in running over one or more of their own kids. you want me to know where my kids are before backing up my car? what? all of them?

just like tech. priorities... i do not understand.

i told you to wait there for me for 20 minutes but you got bored and lonely so you came to find me awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww how sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

when you are filling in the online form... if you want to change a contingent like a physical address it won't let you you have to go in and see them... but if you want to change essentials like race or DOB or your name at birth that is just about altering the online fields.

the lady on the phone today was fixated on how she can help me with food vouchers. i told her 3 times that the bus drivers don't take food vouchers before throwing the phone across the room.

how do people deal with this sh*t?

i do not understand.

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 1:00:39

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:53:31

ah. they deal with it by running over their kids. of course. how stupid of me.

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:12:57

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 1:00:39

"Passion Within Reason"

I read this book ages ago. When I was just starting out. And I rediscovered it today. I... Didn't know what I was reading before. I have more context for it now. And it is helping by describing a bunch of notions I had a vague idea of (but should have known by now and hence too embarrassed to ask - yes i can be stupid sometimes)... Reasonably simply.

ALTRUISM

putting others welfare before your own.

Darwin award - right?

Or maybe not...

Frank offers some wonderfully simple examples of how different co-operative (or un-co-operative) strategies might evolve.

There were a couple paragraphs that I can't find right now (becaues I don't have a f*ck*ng library card and googlebooks is being un-co-operative) but he is talking about the benefits of co-operation. Most theorists are fixated on the benefits of co-operation (I've been thinking to myself over the last couple years). The idea being that what I can achieve individually is not as good at what I can achieve as being part of a team.

And the problem... Is that... I simply don't buy it.

A certain person said: We are obligate co-operators. We haven't been able to go it alone for thousands of years. And I wondered about the people who go off in the desert for 7 years... or whatever. Robinson Crusoe. I bet there are more than we know of. I mean... If they truly went bush then we wouldn't know, right?

But then I thought that I suppose they profit from society, still. I mean... They were fed and clothed as infants. And someone taught them a language... So I suppose we are all dependent on the products of society in those ways. And when you go off you take a bunch of stuff with you rather than inventing it in your lifetime. Swiss army knives, at the very least. Probably hooks. Knowledge of foraging and hunting... And stuff...

Anyway...

Frank said that there wouldn't be any point co-operating if the product wasn't better than what you could do by yourself.

And of course: It's obvious. Not entirely sure why I thought anyone was denying it.

It depends on your ENVIRONMENT - of course. Hanging out in a group of 6 future 'inter-professional health professionals' and taking 20 minutes to put 5 labels on a basic cell makes me feel un-cooperative. Mildly psychopathic. Whereas when it comes to my thesis... I'm feeling strangely co-operative when it comes to that... Not with those same people (still feeling un-co-operative) but with a certain other group of people... I feel co-operative, indeed. And if anything... Like I'm actually asking them to carry me a lot of the time :-( Which is why I feel un-cooperative again and run and hide...

:-(

(which is of course why THEY are / were paid to teach ME)

He said more but I forget...

Stuff about group selection. That finally made sense to me. What it was supposed to be... WHY people don't like the idea.

There are 'fitness traps'. Because of individual competition certain traits are selected... And then because of the way things evolve the whole group (and the individuals in the group) end up worse off. For example: peahens prefer peacocks with huge tails. The peacocks with the hugest tails get more mating opportunitites with 'higher quality' peahens (don't even get me started on 'higher quality'). So over time the peacocks tails get huger and huger... And all the peacocks are worse off because they all have freaking huge tails which just screams EAT ME to all their predators.

Maybe... Foot binding. (Marital advantage to those few who adopt it, everyone adopts it and everyone bears the cost and no-one gets advantage. But still too costly to defect). Female circumscision. These examples are controversial.

But the idea of group selection is the converse - a trait that is good for the group evolves even though it is costly to individuals. And the idea is... that can't happen. Because the unit of selection is the individual - not the group.

Unless you want to do something funky with between-group competition. (Because individual / parts of the individual / groups of the individuals - are just relative places on a hierarchical scale of parts-wholes surely... perhaps... Tell me a funky story about high fidelity inheritance)

aargh.

I can't function in this present environment I've found myself in. And... I never really could.

Now... I'm really not terribly sure about this... But thinking... Thinking... There are different child raising strategies... When child mortality is high it makes sense to have lots of children. I think that is the thought. And when child mortality is lower... Anyway... Sigh. Most people are finding it hard to find a job these days. It isn't just the economy... Or maybe it is, I don't know anything about economics. But older people aren't 'old' like they used to be. They are still effectively doing their jobs. We can't make them retire - because they are healthy and functioning highly at their jobs. But so there are less jobs for younger people. There are... Less jobs. And more kids. Every kid and their 13 brothers and sisters wants a job.

So what you need now to get an entry level position is much higher than it used to be. Now you need a degree in teaching... Once upon a time you went to teachers college and were paid to be an apprentice teacher for 3 years and you did a lot of that in schools and you did some stuff at the college. Things like being a kitchen hand... You now need a degree for. Farm hand. It means the people who get those jobs are a few years older and they have a few 'placement' experiences as part of their education. They have also paid thousands of dollars to do their 3 years at tech or uni (it is called these days) which is what is required for an entry level minimum wage position washing dishes.

hmm...

What you need to invest is more than it used to be. The mushroom child raising strategy isn't as effective as ... Investing everything you have in just the one. The latter is risky... Death... But mortality is low these days... Maybe they'll get a job before you retire hahahahahhahahahaha.

I don't cope well in environments where people are... Where people were raised by their peers. Their siblings. If you wanted food... You needed to be the cutest or most gregarious or whatever so that someone gave you special treatment. Survival of the fittest that way. Like the birds... Feeding the loudest crier. So they all cry loudly and it doesn't signal need anymore. You can't defect and survive. You can't.

What is wrong with me is what is right with me. In SOME contexts.

Apparently: Person - environment mis-match is NOT sufficient for mental disorder. Conflicts between the individual and society is NOT grounds for mental disorder UNLESS:

the behavior is due to DYSFUNCTION WITHIN THE INDIVIDUAL.

this is because psychiatry is about changing the INDIVIDUAL and not SOCIETY. not the ENVIRONMENT.

I think psychiatry is (for a large part) a mechanism of social control. That can... Sometimes be used for good. Doctors... Not just psychiatrists... But Doctors more generally get something along the lines of... Conscientious objection. Discretionary empathy. With political clout. For instance... The power to get young guys sent home from war as unfit to serve if they really needed (physically or mentally) to not be there anymore. Flat feet mother f*ck*r. Back pain. Check out the disks on MRI!! Stuff like that. Abortions. Euthenasia. Some kind of compassionate discretion. It is scary who has power and how they use power. But It is good that there is this additional compassionate mechanism.

Like the doc who is supporting me in saying that medically I am not able to seek or take up work right now.

Because my overseas program of study isn't recognized... And so on... So 'health' is kind of my last shot...

I'm not anti-social. Opposed to group work. And so on... But... Well... My desire to co-operate / go it alone does in fact vary depending on the nature of the task / my assessment of the ability of the others I'm meant to co-operate with. That is... Normal. Yay me. I'm okay. Of course I am. I'm okay. ANd you'r okay. And of course they are okay too. In their own special way.

The introversion / extroversion thing doesn't work for me because it is too 'pop culture'. I need to be careful with 'meme' (and the idea of evolution of mental disorder) for similar reasons...

High / Low stimulation... Differently reactive nervous systems... maybe I can use that. Biology doesn't seem to have trouble with the idea of behavioral adaptation (e.g., 'headstanding beetle behavior') so why have trouble with the idea of maladaptive behavior (e.g., mental illness)? why is the latter specially dodgey??

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:20:31

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:12:57

you know why you don't run over some of your kids?

because YOU CAN HEAR THEM

 

Re: this community

Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 23:18:33

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:20:31

the letter to the ministry was a great idea. things are sorted now. nobody seemed offended by my swearing... they seemed genuinely empathetic... they are going to forward pay / back pay so there is no gap in the transition. i think i might even have a slight increase which will help me get to the library.

everything is going to be okay.

:-)

 

Re: :-) (nm) » alexandra_k

Posted by Dr. Bob on August 8, 2013, at 11:22:14

In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 23:18:33

 

Re: :-)

Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29

In reply to Re: :-) (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by Dr. Bob on August 8, 2013, at 11:22:14

you are still here - right?

i'm not going to idealize you, because i'm not going to devalue you, either.
at least... i'm going to try very hard. sigh.

this idea of 'better or worse' people is hard for me... i'm not entirely sure why. maybe because there are many examples of judgements we have made in the past that we think of as unfair now.

I've been reading Wilson's 'Sociobiology'. 1975. He is talking about ants. I need to read it again... But he talks about how some of the individuals just do move faster and are more productive generally. You can track objective pay-offs. These individuals seem to have a social facilitation effect. The other ants kick up their performance another notch when they are around that ant.

Then of course the idea is that the same thing applies to people.

I"m not sure what it is... But some people seem to have something... An ability to make fine grained discriminations that other cannot? An ability to focus their attention to notice things that others do not? An ability to kick others into gear? Something... Some things...

An exuberance?
An energy?

Apparently it is a view that mental disorder is one of the things that makes us distinctively human. That it is something about the kinds of minds we have that makes us prone to the kinds of disorders we have. This is controversial, I suppose. Especially for those people studying animal (e.g., mouse, rat) models of this or that or the next thing...

Someone... I forget... Reckoned that the thing about gifted individuals was something to do with their emotions. Emotional excitability. It gave them motivation. Drive. Obsession. Enthusiasms. Then you have the 10,000 hours to expertise idea (pop culture, but whatever). Not as sufficient, but as necessary.

But this kind of excitability... Can go horribly wrong, it seems to me.

Reactivity...

Something.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I never thought of different anti-depressants targeting different niches (symptoms, I suppose) of depression... I guess I thought there was a flurry of excitement as each new one came out... But the idea that things then settled into some kind of awareness of a niche is new to me... I don't know anything about medication. Or about biochemistry. I don't know. It is a shame, really, but there it is.

Economics gives us objective pay-off structures. That is nice. It is hard to translate pay-off structures to fitness benefits. Or seems that way to me. Problematic...

To be valued most within a group you need to demonstrate committment to the group. You can't be luke warm. Gang members who get 'Mongrel Mob Forever' tattooed across their face and trusted by the gang. Because their fate is bound to the fate of the gang. They have inherited the gangs enemies and without the support of the gang they will surely suffer. They can't defect. They have demonstrated committment.

Choosing to do a PhD in philosophy isn't quite as bad as that... But close. Too... Arrogant? Too... Senior? To begin anything again from the ground up. Too... Specialist for other people to have any idea what the f*ck you can do and what the f*ck you can offer.

And I have no way of telling them. Because every single day... I'm f*ck*ng astounded at how most people seem to have an inability to do things that are EASY for me. And of course the converse is sometimes the case... But it makes communication hard.

I can fix the internet though, of yes I can. It isn't acceptable that it has been dodgey for a month... Down since Sunday. I don't understand how poeple can piss about and do nothing... Spend so much time sorting things out which involves nothing being done... How are people so f*ck*ng effective at wasting time???

YOu do need to go around with an 'I'm cranky and don't piss me off or I'll f*ck*ng snap at you' expression - or people will bog you down and suffocate you in their nothingness. Their idle pratter about... Nothing. You need to show people that things need to move - chop chop or people will revert to their usual state of comatose sluggishness...

Irritability at the world is simply a necessary precondition for anything getting done at all. Most people are... Inert. HOly f*ck*ng crap people.

I...

Need to get out of here...

 

Re: :-)

Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:41:26

In reply to Re: :-), posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29

and then of course i think about my supervisor... and how to his eyes i'm just as lethargic and complacent and dull-witted.

which helps with the appropriate sense of compassion, i think.

i don't know what to say.

 

Re: still here

Posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2013, at 2:15:54

In reply to Re: :-), posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29

> you are still here - right?
>
> i'm not going to idealize you, because i'm not going to devalue you, either.
> at least... i'm going to try very hard. sigh.

I'm still here. But I wasn't here for a few days, so you can't idealize me. But I'm here now, so you can't devalue me, either. :-)

Bob

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 16, 2013, at 2:25:40

In reply to Re: still here, posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2013, at 2:15:54

sigh.

yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.

as long as you come back.

eventually.

ty.

 

Re: still here » alexandra_k

Posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 16, 2013, at 2:25:40

> sigh.
>
> yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.
>
> as long as you come back.
>
> eventually.
>
> ty.

A_K, I would like to express to you the same sentiments. You have added a richness to these forums that cannot be replaced. It is my hope that you don't walk away - except for an occasional sabbatical.


- Scott

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53

In reply to Re: still here » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44

> > sigh.
> >
> > yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.
> >
> > as long as you come back.
> >
> > eventually.
> >
> > ty.
>
> A_K, I would like to express to you the same sentiments. You have added a richness to these forums that cannot be replaced. It is my hope that you don't walk away - except for an occasional sabbatical.
>
>
> - Scott

I don't know what to say... Thank you, Scott, that is very kind of you. I am really glad that I've been given the opportunity to get to know you better. You have been around for longer than me, I see. Sometimes I miss out on getting to know people who are known well. Because I hardly ever frequent the meds board, I suppose.

And then...

I suppose I did to my last t what I was afraid he would do to me. Just kind of ambled off... And disappeared. I don't suppose it is fair of me to ask Bob not to do that but keep that option open for myself. I suppose. Hmm. I feel sheepish. But of course I'd still rather he didn't.

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 18:25:39

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53

https://mediastore.auckland.ac.nz/library/public/2013/Winter-2013-07-23-L1-MargaretABrimble.mp3.low.preview

lecture starts around 8 minutes in.

her enthusiasm is catchy. i am going to have to study science next year, after all, i think. i mean... i'll focus on my thesis for now and whatever will be will be... but i'll make sure i meet application etc deadlines.

i went to one yesterday... it was on hydroponic people. at least, that is how i'm going to think about it. people who had intestinal failure so needed to be fed via iv. a lot of metabolism happens between mouth and bloodstream.... out mouth and gut / gut and bloodstream (nasal feeing). i guess that can be measured by seeing how people respond to iv feedings. and nasal feedings. wow. pretty. f*ck*ng. cool. (sad for them, obviously).

(i have no idea why i'm thinking of them as 'hydroponic'. i guess it is just the notion of precise quantities, whereas actual food (e.g., fruits and veges) have so many unknowns going on with pesticides and seasonal variation in sugars etc).

i think i might have some scientist in me, after all.

apparently the notion of group selection is problematic... goodie.

stuff to be doing...

spending time at uni helps me feel... human. getting excited about hydroponic people or beautiful biomolecules and seeing theorists recognize the excitement... is the most wonderful kind of catchy feeling in the world. it is rare... i didn't realise? forgot? just how rare that was...

life... for me... is about doing what i can to maximise time spent with people who have that similar excitement... who are part of the project of maximising that in the world... hoping people catch more of it...

rather than setting out to prove how smart one is / how stupid others are... or whatever... i don't know.

happy.

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 20:48:43

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 18:25:39

it is about the pursuit of excellence.

whatever the activity. i said that to people at the tech i was at in a different part of the country... i said (to the management people) that i didn't understand why it wasn't about the pursuit of excellence. why people weren't being encouraged to be the best x they could be. they said 'not everyone can be the best'. i said - i didn't say that everyone could. but i don't understand why everyone can't be taught to / take up the task of being the best *they can be*.

the best kitchen hand. the best chef. the best mechanic. the best engineer. the best... whatever. it doesn't freaking matter what.

and then: your conscience is clear. and you can pat yourself on the back for doing the best you could. and really, nobody could ask any more of you. you can be proud of youself.

what more is there to life?

figuring out what is preventing you from being the best you can be. and of course figuring out what is preventing you pursuing the aspects that you feel passionately about. or that you used to feel passionately about before other people killed it - or before you (in internalizing those messages from other people) killed it.

i will never get to the olympics... but i take much pleasure from the *pursuit* of perfection in olympic lifting. not just my own performance... but my own performance opens up a beauty in others performances that i wouldn't appreciate if i wasn't on my own path. all of us... as a species... the pursuit of perfection... we can all take part / be a part of that... just by doing our best. not everybody can be the best. being the best is largely determined by factors outside our control, though (so one can't appropriately be praised or blamed for that). one has rather more responsibility for whether one takes up the *pursuit*, however.

what is the meaning of life: engaging in activities that are meaningful. what makes them meaningful? well...

some things are intrinsically valuable (valuable for their own sake). we do have this idea of losing perfectly... and losing badly... losing perfectly is fighting right up until the end and losing because of factors... outside ones own control. photographs of defeat in the olympics (for example) are beautiful when we see the person really striving and giving it their all. there is something beautiful in the striving... when one side has an easy win and opponants gave up.. it spoils the game, rather.

what prevents people from this?

how do we fix it?

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 21:22:19

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53

> I don't suppose it is fair of me to ask Bob not to do that but keep that option open for myself. I suppose. Hmm. I feel sheepish.

And that is, perhaps, the story of my life. My father did that. Or, at least, that is indeed how I felt about my Father leaving for quite a number of years.

And most of my social relationships... Sort of peter out. I don't tend to keep in touch with people when I don't simply run into them. I thought maybe there was something problematic about my ability to properly hold people in mind when they weren't there or... I don't know what it is. But I know I am really very bad at keeping in touch. And there simply isn't an excuse these days with Skype and email etc.

The people I feel the closest to are the ones who put up with that tendency in me. And when we do meet again we just kind of pick things up how they left off.

But I... Do amble off rather a lot. ANd I opt out of a bunch of in-person interactions, too. Social anxiety... Things seem too hard to me... So I don't do them. Like how people get together and spend all day getting all dressed up for a theme party (for instance) but the only way I can bear to go at all is if people don't give me a hard time for not really thinking about it... Then just showing up. Otherwise... I can't do it at all. Too much... Social pressure? I got a hard time to start with for not making more of an effort to dress up etc... Till I put my foot down on 'quit it -- or I won't come at all'. I just... Can't.

Can't.

I don't know what it is.

I suspect the latter is a different problem.

Thesis is story of my life. I hope it isn't too late.

I think... I feel sad that my future is probably going to be one of me being considered a crazy person on welfare... If all goes well... Mentally disordered so I can't work so on sickness... I...

I cant' survive outside the university.

Philosophy is...

Well... There isn't another home.

That is what it is.

The love of learning for learnings sake.

The opportunity to learn...

Everything.

(in as much as possible within the limited amount of time I have on this earth)

I don't understand people saying that life would cease to have value / meaning if it didn't end. That doesn't make sense to me. People who think they would be bored... Need to get out more. If my life lasted forever... There would be forever + 1 bits of information for me to learn. That equation doesn't make sense - but I'm sure the idea is clear... SOmething about provable things that can't be proven... Something somtehing.

devil is in the details of cousre.

sigh.

I wish there was a lecture like the one I posted... For every field. So I could get a sense of all the fields there are.

Problem is that every research group probably has their own story...

Then my job... Is to use the information they have learned... To attempt to answer some of the big qeustions. The big questions that are thoght to be intractable to science. That can't be directly tested. That involve integrating information from a diverse range of fields / research groups where those people aren't even aware of each others existence...

Before alzheimers or dementia. Preferably.

 

Re: still here » SLS

Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:19:28

In reply to Re: still here » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44

well, where did you go, then?

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 23:45:04

In reply to Re: still here » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:19:28

well... i gave (2 weeks) notice of where i am living. it needed to be done. it is the last of the cutting ties with the whole physiotherapy thing that didn't work out. with the whole... failure to respect (no - f*ck that, failure to *admire and actively encourage and support*) my decision to prioritize study.

i was ambivalent about whether i had done the right thing. but the internet is still down and they are like 'we've let the provider know, we can't do any more about it' - which isn't alright for me. and... there is a 17 and a 19 year old girl across the hall and... they like to chatter and giggle and play their music... and i'm not in the position to be a role model for them right now (i just need my space to do my thing). and the commute into the city costs a lot... and the time taken to travel... and it makes food hard, as well... and then the drain got backed up - i thought it was the storm water. but then the toilets were out of action so, no, more serious problem with the sewerage. which reassured me i'd made the right decision. things did end up getting put right within 2 days... but i honestly didn't know whether that would go the way of the internet and i can't live like that...

haven't heard back from accom about halls yet (my undergrad uni)... i have a couple places here, in the city to look at. insofar as they are a quick walk to uni library they might be feasible even if they are utter dumps. the library here is turning out to be a wonderful place to work. this is the time of year where the students either knuckle down or vanish... i am... getting into the swing of things here... though food is hard... i need to spend significantly more time sorting out shopping and cooking to bring lunch and dinner...

i got f*ck*ng waitlisted for bio-medical science major. which of course means... that i want to do that. for sure. 200 places for the best of the high school science kids is the idea of that... then i think there are around 120 places for medicine, so the odds actually look quite good. except 1/3 of places are reserved for grad entry applicants so looking harder again. and now there is the other undergrad health science pathway so things don't look so good (though apparently not many have come from the latter pathway - i'm guessing because they don't make the grade cut on the 'overlapping 4') we will see... if i don't get a place in that then i have to enroll in a bachelor of health science (demography / social psych). i suppose they will make that decision for me. i might ask them why i got waitlisted since the high school kids haven't even sat their end of year exams yet. how are they planning on comparing my MA and university GPA for philosophy / psychology / education / english with the high school kids physics, chemistry, biology (etc) exam results? it is too early for them to have processed my application, i would have thought (my applications for other majors and other degrees haven't been processed yet). how dare they process me so quickly onto a f*ck*ng waitlist!!!!! what does it mean?

there are quite a lot of self contained studio rooms "just over the fence" (one of the many) from my old uni. lots of spaces as the kids get overwhelmed and drop out... so... i'm not panicking that i have to move... i guess it might be nice to stay here in the city after all (with the library turning out to be so nice)... student advisory here gave me 2 places to check out... otherwise... temporary stay with mother while I find something 'just over the fence' I guess...

either way... life is good. the toilets are working again. thank f*ck*ng god.

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2013, at 21:25:56

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 23:45:04

so yesterday i made a stew... and instead of thinking that i'd sorted out my food for the next 2 days as i planned... i asked my flatmates if they wanted some (for reals). and then i kind of hung out with them in the living area fiddling with references while they played cards and sung and chatted and stuff...

and it was actually kinda pleasant.

i asked if i could stay, today. and they said i can. and that is good.

i looked into studio apartments a little more and anything i can afford would be a sideways move that would use up all of my grading 'bonus' (i think of it as a bonus because it isn't a regular income and i never know when the next will come or how much it will be).

i think that taking seriously the possibility of moving got me more properly looking into it which made me realize that there are a number of very good things indeed about what i've got going on here.

sure i need to commute into the city... and that costs money... but i have a fast commute compared to most and the noises here are happy noises. not road rage or anger or drunkenness. i need to develop better routines around preparing large amounts of food and taking a couple meals in with me... i'm starting to develop better routines around working in the library space... there can be a social facilitation aspect to it...

it would of course be *more ideal* if i can get into student accommodation in the city next year (since i'll have 8am lectures 4 days a week and won't be finishing till around 5 with labs...) there is something special about being surrounded by students and basically living on campus... but things actually are pretty good here. anywhere else... is only likely to be noisier, truth be told.

i heard back from my undergrad uni and they said they didn't really have anything... i guess... universities know that PhD students in the final stages of writing up are moody and hermited. why would you want one? here... well... they do get some of me. i guess i need to make a bit more of an effort sometimes. like last night. it makes them feel a lot happier (since mostly they simply catch my anxiety, i think). and... i feel a lot happier today, too. i feel a lot happier today, too... why can't i hold onto that and remember it and use it to inspire me to make more of an effort?

i do have a lot of social anxiety... i had forgotten... that is partly why it often doesn't seem worthwhile... and here... no alcohol... it *is* hard. but i suppose it is good for me. and, well, it was what i wanted. to get out of the research silo / ivory tower for a bit and to see how things are with the world. i cry myself to sleep... wake up crying... terrified that i'm going to not get my thesis done... that i'll be stuck on unemployment with no respite because of the whole 'i'm doing my PhD thing'... seeing how the people live who don't have the whole 'i'm doing my PhD thing'... which makes a lot of this... feel... time limited... hence manageable... i'm starting to freak out that i'm going to be stuck here. that there isn't a way up.

i guess that is the point. that is supposed to be kicking in right now. to motivate me to finish.

then i freak out that no matter what i do it is too late for me... even if i finish now nobody will consider funding me in future because i was so late with the work...

but of course a lot of people *are* late with things... my supervisor is trying to hook me up with someone who just finished his book... i think it was due around the time i started my PhD... so... only around 6 years late... it is (of course) a really very good book now, though, however. i... well... i pissed about. i did. because i was sick. but sick = unproductive...

it is a miserable time for most... hang in there... get it done...

 

Re: still here » alexandra_k

Posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2013, at 23:01:34

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2013, at 21:25:56

I see progress. Lots of it!!!! Phillipa

 

Re: still here » Dr. Bob

Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2016, at 23:40:26

In reply to Re: still here, posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2013, at 2:15:54


?

please.


> > you are still here - right?
> >
> > i'm not going to idealize you, because i'm not going to devalue you, either.
> > at least... i'm going to try very hard. sigh.
>
> I'm still here. But I wasn't here for a few days, so you can't idealize me. But I'm here now, so you can't devalue me, either. :-)
>
> Bob

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 0:16:54

In reply to Re: still here » Dr. Bob, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2016, at 23:40:26

I have to find a new place to live and it's unsettling me, rather. It is good that I have to find a new place, I suppose. I'm not particularly happy here. It was workable. With a part time workload. It would be less workable with a full time workload, though. Being forced into using the kitchen / washing machine during peak hours instead of having more flexibility to use such things during the day while others were occupied with their full time workload.

Having the kitchen just outside of my door. I suppose it is possible I'm imagining it... But I get this feeling sometimes that people are listening out... Trying to make a 'we'. So if they hear me make a noise (close a drawer, or something) then they will make a noise in response. And things are supposed to go on like that... And then they will come bang on my door to ask to borrow some sugar, or whatever...

And the trouble is that I want solitude. Because I'm often doing something and want to keep on with it. Or whatever. Just relaxing. But just relaxing by myself.

I find... I am kinder to myself than most people are to me. I find... I am more sensitive to and responsive to myself than other people are to me. I don't know how other people are supposed to figure out what is best for me, anyway. My experience is that other people are much better than me at knowing what is best for them and trying to convince me that that is what is best for me. So I feel I mostly need to be on guard with other people... Assessing whether their interests really are aligned with my interests... Assessing whether I'm doing them a favor and whether they might have done me favors and the value of those favors with respect to how hard it was for each of us... I feel I'm not particularly able to trust their assessment (divergence of interests, again)... And so when it comes down to it I'd mostly prefer to be alone... So I can relax... Instead of feeling guilty for not looking after other people better...

I thought... I always thought the idea of a studio was the idea of having a place where one could work uninterrupted. So... Writers block or the equivalent... Struggling... Wrestling... And then you get your sh*t together and you get started in on a chunk of work. And you might want to paint for 2 days straight, or whatever. And a studio was a place where you could sleep or not sleep whenever you saw fit. You didn't have flatmates who thought it was okay to play their stereo prior to 10pm... You didn't have flatmates putting their mothers nagging and guilt feelings on to you that it is sleep time... You were free from all the expectations and judgements and rules of other people.

We call rooms in boarding houses 'studios' here.

I need to get my drivers licence and live further out. That is stressing me. Need to get on a bus and head out to the driving school. See what bike they can hire me to teach me to pass the basic skills test. I guess it makes sense to learn on something similar to what you will get... They aren't allowed to loan you automatic for the basic skills test, though. I'm stressed about that... Doing that... How much it will cost...

For a while there I was actually getting a reasonable amount of money each week. I mean, enough to eat well and enjoy coffee and... Actually enough for me to be putting aside a bit each week and thinking that if I saved for a few weeks I could buy this or that... I was starting to feel like a human being. Who could start to replace aspects of my wardrobe etc... And then of course that stopped. I needed to reapply and it wouldn't be backdated, or whatever. And that threw me... And I've managed to revert to poverty mode, again. A whole different mindset. I hope nobody is trying to teach me a lesson because I already know. I suspect people are learning about me here. Assessing me here. Getting to know me here.

I think things will come through for me here... But there is an aspect of 'eventually'. Sometimes I start to feel old. All those years I wasted in Auckland... Being called illiterate by illiterate people... And so on... I'm mostly okay, I suppose. Just having a bad day today in particular. Fireworks last night. Etc.

Seminars here have been good. And have continued now after undergrad classes have stopped. That has been great. That the whole thing hasn't shut down. I've been getting to a lot of seminars that have been publicly advertised... Realising that of course I can go to those. And ask questions. The chair / speaker decide whether they will take your question or not... I think people are starting to get to know me. I'm perhaps not as diplomatic with my questions as I could? should? be... I don't know. They haven't blocked me, at any rate. I think the time they didn't take my question they thought it would lead to a more sustained conversation after... But I wasn't in the mood... Will see whether they take my question in future... Questions are for the speaker not for the person who asks the question...

I hate feeling like I don't have a safe place. I don't feel that I have that here. :( I mean I'm not physically fearful (maybe a little of not having security latches on open windows at night)... Maybe a little of knowing that a bunch of people have our door access code and have keys to my room... But I don't think it is entirely reasonable for me to feel physically unsafe... But psychologically... I feel psychologically invaded. I don't feel that I have my solitary... I just don't.

I suppose I heard before I moved in here that the staff / grad students mostly lived further out... So it isn't convenient to walk... That here was mixed... I was hopeful... But, yeah, I think mostly people do know... Here isn't workable. Of course, lots of people think here is workable. Lots of people focus in on the real ghetto further down the hill and think here is wonderful... But it's not. It's not for me. I don't fit here.

My peers are academics, really. I'm not a grad student anymore. I mean... PhD students... They seem like kids, mostly. They aren't peers anymore. And grad students here are different from grad students where I went to grad school, anyway...

I feel really very uncomfortable. I have an appointment with a social worker from a church tomorrow. Can only find social workers with church organisations, apparently. See if I can get her to help me with the social housing thing, again, or with the private alternative... Which will be more expensive...

It's all discretion and their rationale... They've given up even trying to make it make sense...

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 0:53:22

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 0:16:54

I think things are getting worse in this country. I think things got worse during my time away. It was hard to say... Since I moved to different places so a direct comparison was hard... But I think things have gotten worse.

I think things are better here than they are in Auckland partly because here is further away. Further behind. When things are heading in a bad direction then it is better to be further behind.

But the same elements are here. The building construction is going on. The building construction that was finished in Auckland. The 'Dental' building they are calling it here. Because here nobody talks about 'Medical' ever - people use 'Dental' as a code word for 'Medical' and 'Medical is code word for allied health. People who have 3 year degrees in Occupational Therapy who write prescriptions for old people to put higher wattage bulbs in their reading lights. That kind of thing...

Once the buildings have been constructed... My guess is that enrolments will skyrocket. Residential high rises... We will see... They will follow along, yes. And you'll have a plywood partition student ghetto.
_______________

'Culturally appropriate' and 'equity' are code words for 'nobody gets anything'. It would be 'racist' if you were to suggest that this wasn't the best strategy. For example, to keep a prisoner in a cell by themself would be inhumane solitary confinement. On the other hand, to keep a bunch of prisoners together in an open floor plan where they can freely hit an punch etc each other would be 'culturally appropriate'. They are talking about 'culturally appropriate' education... One can only suppose they mean 'education' that doesn't involve... Reading, writing, arithmetic. 'Education' that doesn't get people skilled so as to design, build, maintain infrastructure like clean drinking water, sewer systems, electric and telecommunications etc etc etc. None of those things are culturally appropriate, I bet. We would rather nobody had them. IN the name of equity

_________________

Infant mortality went down.

You can't exactly take that back. Well, you can... But I don't see that happening. I don't understand how people would prefer to forgo aged care... Would prefer to keep starting over and over and over and over and over. Keep ignoring the wisdom that has accumulated... Keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Or the axel. Or the ballbearing. Or whatever...

Politics. It's best to stay the hell away from indigenous politics. I think that is probably it. I mean, it isn't like non-indigenous politics is fearing so very much better...

_________________

I keep thinking about those locusts. How they thought the swarming ones and the non swarming ones were different species because their morphology was so different. I mean, one was green and the other was black. And the behavior was different... Some would swarm and devastate crops. An immense pest. The other were solitary. Just hung out by themselves and didn't cause such harm with their foraging.

And then it was discovered that they were the same species... And which developmental trajectory they went down depended on their early life experiences. If they got their little hindlegs stroked by paintbrushes then they would grow up to swarm. If they were crowded by things that moved they would grow up to swarm.

I think people might be a bit like that.

I don't know.

I'm tired of having to justify myself to... Of having to explain myself to... Of having to beg for what I need... I'm tired of people putting me with the wrong group of people... I'm tired of people trying to make me feel guilty for not fitting in well with the wrong group of people...

I wish I were rich enough to have my own space. It would be a 'mansion'. The idea would be to have a house... Where I could open the windows and have trees and happy birds. Where I didn't see or hear other people. Where I could invite people over if I was lonely or go out and meet with people if I was lonely.. But where I never had to interact with people. Then you go from your private garage out your bolted gates to your private parking building. So you don't have people taking photos of you and tagging you on face book without your permission etc, you see.

And I would like to help people. I would like to learn... I mean... I'm on disability... The funds I get don't depend on my studying or working... But I choose to voluntarily... Because I have a genuine desire to learn... To help people, even... (Not to write them lighting prescriptions or to be 'we' on demand to be swamped...)

Public spaces...

It's all gone private here. I really do think... Most everything... Has gone private. The public spaces of the world...

People take photographs of hospital food and upload to facebook. People take photos in gym public change rooms...

Decimated desert ...

surveillance children...

giving all their keychain access to every passing van...

We have been taken over. WHoever controls the infrastructure is in control. Of course that's got something to do with the 'culturally appropriate' education. If I say this I'm going to sound like a horrible human being... But US exchange students and junior lecturers I've met... WEre not the brightest... Community college kids... Of wealthy parents. If you had a not very bright kid it might well make sense to send them here... When you choose between psychopathic or stupid plausible deniability... Positions of leadership... They'll fit right on in...

It doesn't feel like we have control of this country any more... If we ever did. I don't know. I see Australia receeding and that scares me. Perhaps because Australia is doing so well... England is receeding too... Bye bye laws... Laws for the benefit of the citizens. I'm trying to think of when we have passed those... Rather than for the interests of business. Probably written by the businesses lawyers. Probably to help disguise the fact that nobody in this country is capable of writing law...

My heart sinks...

I don't feel very happy here. Not today. I don't feel safe here... The noisiest bullies always win.

 

Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 1:09:06

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 0:53:22

I think it is because we were right there on the boundary of 'developed' and 'developing' (insofar as it is possible to talk of such things without being racist). And I think that we have been sliding towards the developing and the developed is receeding...

I think that people are focused on the wrong things... People think that we are developing because now everyone had the internet.

But here's the thing: Here's a problem: What are people up to? Wouldn't it be terrific if we could electronically track every single member of the population. How on earth will we get them to submit to being tagged and who will pay for it all? Here's the solution: Get them to pay for mobile devices. Get them to pay for online access.

Here's the thing: You don't have to pay for online access. If you don't set it up to automatically take funds then once your access expires... After a couple days of 'reminders'... Eventually... Access will be miraculously restored. Free wifi connection or whatever. Because whose interests is mobile connectivity serving, again.

?

If you want to see a photo of what 'developed' looks like... They show you pics of how these nations are doing well because... Because the kids have Nike shoes and i-pads.

Only... It's the poor kids who have Nike shoes and i-pads.

That's the thing... It's the poor kids who are constantly streaming their surroundings to facebook and voluntarily providing tag information to help google better identify faces...

It's the poor kids. But they think it's a symbol of wealth.

I feel upset... That we can't do a bunch of things here, ourselves. And I wonder sometimes how much there is intent behind undermining them... I wonder sometimes if this really is the toilet of the developed world... If getting out of this country really is the thing because nothing here is allowed to work... If something is discovered to work then it will be undermined... Or if there are unfortunate by-products... Such that people could genuinely make a difference...

I guess you ask yourself about where people send their kids... And I guess the answer is... Cambridge curriculum. And... Wherever they can get a scholarship to go to.

And there it is.

Really not having a good day, today.

Maybe things will feel brighter tomorrow?


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