Psycho-Babble Social Thread 898969

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

If he calls me sexy

Posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

If he calls me princess and sexy, does that mean he wants to be more than friends?

I kind of find it creepy when he calls me that in his emails. I just want to be friends.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 1:49:35

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

>If he calls me princess and sexy, does that mean he wants to be more than friends?

yes

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:58:47

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 1:49:35

How do I let him know I just want to be friends? I already told him outright that I just want to be friends.

I'm scared.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by garnet71 on June 2, 2009, at 2:09:21

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:58:47

Deneb, I have to tell you because I can't stand it anymore - from everything you said - this guy sounds like a total player. Even if you want to be just friends, he seems like he would try to manipulate you, mess with your head, send confusing mixed messages..aka player.

I know there's some good guys on those sites, but so many liars, players, and sex addicts. You sound very trusting-like everyone you meet is going to present themselves exactly as they are. That does not always happen. Be careful, is all.

You seem like you could get hurt real bad, do you think it's a good time to be dating? Maybe you could take a break until you discuss this with your therapist? You just seem so innocent and vulnerable, and I mean that in a good way, but I get very uncomfortable reading your posts about this subject.

Maybe it would be better if you joined some Meet Up groups or a sports or travel group to do fun things - as a group - with coeds - friends as opposed to dating? It just seems like you are getting upset and hurt, but you only went on one date with this guy. What if you were dating someone several times, how upset and hurt would you get with another triggering interaction?

If you were my sister, I'd say to not date until you talked to your therapist about these experiences and thoughts. Do you have girlfriends to discuss this with at all?


 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:15:10

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:58:47

> How do I let him know I just want to be friends? I already told him outright that I just want to be friends.

> I'm scared.

Why are you scared?

Because you want a friend, and you feel you will lose the only one you are likely to get?

Or because you feel you will have to give way and do what he wants, whatever that is?

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by garnet71 on June 2, 2009, at 2:17:45

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

Hon, maybe you just need to figure out your triggers with your therapist and work on some issues before you are ready to date. I'm probably not ready to date now either, I have a list of my own issues i'm dealing with right now. There's a right time and right place for everything.

I'm just another opinion on a forum to you, but in seeing you mention self harm and wanting to die is a pretty good indication that you are not ready to date. I also don't think anyone should be encouraging you to date--on this forum or anywhere else--with that level of emotional unstabilitity. Your mother may not be providing suggestions that are best for you right now. You could get hurt really bad.

I think you can figure this all out on your own, but I also think you are a bit clouded by your emotions right now.

Please talk to your therapist first and please be careful.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:22:06

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:15:10

At one point someone said that the place to be was anxietytribe, so I joined up without putting up a profile, except for maybe my age.

This young woman from Alabama wrote and told me I was just what she was after. I told her that I was old enough to be her father and moreover etc etc. She wrote back and said that was the sort of man she was after, that I could treat her like a princess and make her feel special. I thought this was so lame that I left. I could have said all sorts of things but I had no desire to create unpleasantness.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy Sigismund

Posted by 10derHeart on June 2, 2009, at 2:35:04

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:22:06

yuk.

I would have done the same, I think.

poor woman, doesn't sound safe herself.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy 10derHeart

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:40:55

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy Sigismund, posted by 10derHeart on June 2, 2009, at 2:35:04

What could I say?

I'd love to move to Alabama and make you feel like a princess?

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:44:08

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy 10derHeart, posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:40:55

>I'd love to move to Alabama and make you feel like a princess?

It's too soon, we need to let our love grow?

 

Re: If he calls me sexy Sigismund

Posted by 10derHeart on June 2, 2009, at 4:53:53

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy, posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 2:44:08

"Maybe, if you find a good therapist first?"

 

Re: If he calls me sexy Deneb

Posted by SLS on June 2, 2009, at 6:33:21

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

> If he calls me princess and sexy, does that mean he wants to be more than friends?
>
> I kind of find it creepy when he calls me that in his emails. I just want to be friends.


I think Garnet has offered sound advice. I think she has also captured the seriousness of this matter.

My ex-girlfriend has been looking for romance on the Internet. She has had a few dates, but nothing has come of them. I have not participated in this activity, but it seems to me that she is doing so in a healthy way. She will correspond with a potential match for a few weeks before agreeing to a meeting. The date is always in a public place. If she is not interested in him, she discontinues any further correspondence. SHE DOES NOT INVITE FRIENDSHIP. There is no script in society that says that you must make yourself available as a friend to every person whom you have a date with. Wouldn't that be a silly thing to do if you really think about it? I think one needs to learn how to say "No". This can be a tremendously hard thing to do if you have never done it before. It is a sign of weak boundaries. I think this lesson is one worth learning. The first few times you say "NO" are the hardest. It gets easier and easier the more times you do it. Remember, saying "NO" to someone else actually means saying "YES" to Deneb.

Is the friendship thing a guilt thing? Is it an I don't know how to say NO thing? Is it an I don't want to hurt anyone thing?

I don't know.


- Scott

 

Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run away! Deneb

Posted by Bobby on June 2, 2009, at 8:29:04

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

join a church/become a Nun/ sell flowers at the airport/ move to Africa and study gorillas/smash your computer and read books/ get out from those torturous four walls/--but ,for the love of God, stop this madness! you are setting yourself up for all kinds of sh*t! If you won't listen to me---or everybody else-listen to reason. you're SO much smarter than this Deneb---what is going through your mind? I have nothing more to add. I've got to stop loving people here so much----I lose them one way or another in the end.

 

Re: Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run aw

Posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2009, at 11:11:14

In reply to Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run away! Deneb, posted by Bobby on June 2, 2009, at 8:29:04

2nd Bobby & Garnet's advice here. You don't sound strong enough to do this right now. You need to be thick-skinned and very much able to say "no" to do internet dating. You have to weed out a dozen creeps for every semi-normal guy you might meet, and some of those creeps may get insulting on their way out. Join a nice social group instead. Someplace that makes you feel safe & comfortable.

 

Re: Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run aw

Posted by Phillipa on June 2, 2009, at 12:00:21

In reply to Re: Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run aw, posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2009, at 11:11:14

Glad they didn't have internet dating. Boy I surely would have gotten in more trouble than I did. And that was in real life. So listen to these people. The horror stories daily of internet dating. So glad I don't have to go through that. Phillipa

 

Oh....Deneb.... Deneb

Posted by gobbledygook on June 2, 2009, at 12:14:45

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

Oh....Deneb,

I know it's all very confusing right now, but I hope you really listen to some of the advice given here.

(If you need someone to just share and vent with about all this "yucky stuff", or even to talk about Hammie,
Big Head Bob and Meow Meow with...babble mail me and I'll lend a ear in your chat room.)

I'm just going to reiterate what Garnet has said as I can't say it any better -

Take care, Deneb.

Ava-


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You seem like you could get hurt real bad, do you think it's a good time to be dating? Maybe you could take a break until you discuss this with your therapist? You just seem so innocent and vulnerable, and I mean that in a good way, but I get very uncomfortable reading your posts about this subject.

Maybe it would be better if you joined some Meet Up groups or a sports or travel group to do fun things - as a group - with coeds - friends as opposed to dating? It just seems like you are getting upset and hurt, but you only went on one date with this guy. What if you were dating someone several times, how upset and hurt would you get with another triggering interaction?

If you were my sister, I'd say to not date until you talked to your therapist about these experiences and thoughts.

I'm just another opinion on a forum to you, but in seeing you mention self harm and wanting to die is a pretty good indication that you are not ready to date. I also don't think anyone should be encouraging you to date--on this forum or anywhere else--with that level of emotional unstabilitity. Your mother may not be providing suggestions that are best for you right now. You could get hurt really bad.

Please talk to your therapist first and please be careful." - Garnet71

 

Re: Run away! Run Away! Run Away! )Deneb

Posted by Sigismund on June 2, 2009, at 17:55:30

In reply to Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Run away! Run away! Deneb, posted by Bobby on June 2, 2009, at 8:29:04

The qualities about you that make you weird (or whatever) are also the qualities that give you your charm. There is no reason to want to change them. So you are lonely? And one day you will find what you want. Don't be too eager to change yourself.

 

Re: If he calls me sexy

Posted by verne on June 3, 2009, at 4:07:17

In reply to If he calls me sexy, posted by Deneb on June 2, 2009, at 1:01:38

I've always hated the word "sexy". Reminds me of the Steven Martin, Dan Akyroid skit: "Two Wild and Crazy Guys".

It must be a code word for let's get busy as soon as possible. That's a word for con artists (or worse) trying to close the deal.

BTW: Rod Stewart's stock went down when I heard his, "If you think I'm sexy" song. Ugh. Plain sad.

Verne

 

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Posted by Deneb on June 3, 2009, at 11:34:48

In reply to Re: If he calls me sexy Deneb, posted by SLS on June 2, 2009, at 6:33:21

I sent out a firm but I think kind email to first guy (aka rich guy) saying I wanted no more than a distant friendship.

I will politely let go of all the guys I am not interested in or attracted to.

 

Re: Thanks everyone for your advice. Deneb

Posted by SLS on June 3, 2009, at 12:42:51

In reply to Thanks everyone for your advice., posted by Deneb on June 3, 2009, at 11:34:48

> I sent out a firm but I think kind email to first guy (aka rich guy) saying I wanted no more than a distant friendship.
>
> I will politely let go of all the guys I am not interested in or attracted to.


You sure do learn fast.

Nice.


- Scott

 

Re: Thanks everyone for your advice. Deneb

Posted by Kath on June 3, 2009, at 21:06:32

In reply to Thanks everyone for your advice., posted by Deneb on June 3, 2009, at 11:34:48

> I sent out a firm but I think kind email to first guy (aka rich guy) saying I wanted no more than a distant friendship.
>
> I will politely let go of all the guys I am not interested in or attracted to.


~ ~ ~ Hi Deneb, You got LOTS of good advice. I agree with every single bit of it.

I'm glad to hear your decision. I would be much "gladder" to hear that you have decided to join some groups (real live people ones) of people who share the same interests as you - or even groups of something that you want to see if you're interested in - photography; volleyball; ANYthing - or a church group - or volunteer for a cause that interests you or that you admire.

Even though my own daughter met her fiance (who she lives with) online, & I know at least 2 other people who met their partner or spouse online & they're happy - even though that, I think it's a WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better idea to meet real live people who ARE what they are & you can SEE them!!!! I mean they still might be pretending to be something that they're not, but I think it's much less likely.

And the thing about being in groups, is that you can enjoy whatever group it IS. AND you would have something in common with anyone you met there! I think it's such an astonishingly good idea that I wonder when people choose online stuff instead.

Deneb, do you have any specific interests?

Is there anything that you'd like to find out more about?

(As an aside, Scott asked some pretty important questions I thought.)

Is there any reason NOT to try to find a way to meet real people IRL? How do you feel about that? Nobody would even know that you're interested in meeting somebody.

I sincerely wonder whether or not your mother's pressure about 'getting married' & all that stuff she said to you has resulted in you feeling that you have to get on with it, so to speak.

As you should be able to tell from the above thread, a LOT of people care VERY much about you. I'd really hate to see you get messed up.

Ya know, meeting people actually, physically, you can get a lot of information. You can 'read' their body language. You can see if they're looking at you as you speak; you can get a sense of if they are impatiently waiting for you to finish speaking so THEY can get THEIR turn to speak. You can see if you think they're cute - you can know if you find them attractive.
You get NONE of that online. NONE of it!!!!! In real life, you get to see if the guy is glancing at other girls while you're having coffee together & supposedly getting to know each other. Online, you don't know what he's doing while he's talking to you!!

Even though you did NOT ask me Deneb - you certainly were reaching out. I think that you have enough stressors in your life. Why make meeting somebody into a stressor?????????
Why not just decide to enrich your life - there are so many things to explore.....why not find out what groups there are locally & meet some people - male & female; all ages; - each person knows other people....who knows you might get to know people & they invite you somewhere - who knows you might go to somebody's barbeque & meet someone who's really neat - really fun - really interesting.

SO - sorry for blabbing on & on. I suspect you 'get my drift'.

MANY hugs, love, Kath

PS - you do NOT need to worry about peoples' feelings getting hurt when you are telling YOUR needs.

xoxo K

 

Re: Thanks everyone for your advice.

Posted by garnet71 on June 5, 2009, at 14:57:01

In reply to Thanks everyone for your advice., posted by Deneb on June 3, 2009, at 11:34:48

"...sent out a firm but I think kind email to first guy (aka rich guy)."

Flaunting his money - and on the first date especially - is a HUGE red flag.

Any man that does that is either so insecure about himself he feels he has to lure women with his money - or - is lying. Loser.


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.