Psycho-Babble Social Thread 895653

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Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(

Posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:57:52

Don't know if people will remember. She came back to Ontario 2 1/2 years ago with him from BC when he'd been in hospital for psychosis. Was all lovey-dovey with him. They'd been together for 3 yrs & were talking about getting married (mind you they were both really messed up & using drugs). Within weeks she went back to BC 'for a week to get their things' - but really to be with guy she'd hooked up with when my son was in hospital for a month.

He was DEVASTATED. She kept promising she'd be back for his birthday, but ON his B-day she TEXT-MESSAGED him saying she loved A---- & didn't want my son to contact her again.

He's good friends with her sister & knew that last week the family was going to BC to see ex-GF as she was in hospital.

So today he learned that she'd come back with them, along with her baby (6 months old or so). Son is REALLY upset. We live in a pretty small town. Most of his friends are friends with ExGF's sister also & were friends with GF but through my son.

He says he doesn't even KNOW what he's feeling, but he's very upset. Partly he's afraid that she'll accompany her sister to the get-togethers that they have; be at the same clubs in Toronto, etc.

That's him.

And I am very upset also. VERY. I have felt like this before, when someone close has died. The time right after, when there are all the funeral things happening, & time seems to move very differently & it feels like being in a vacuum somehow. I feel AWFUL. She lived with son in our home for a year. She was part of our family. When they first came back & he was so sick & they were living here she would have daily phone calls with A---- back in BC & be giggling, etc. It as pretty apparent to DH & I that it was more than just a frienship, but we kept hoping we were wrong. At the same time she'd say to A-- "No, I'll tell them soon." At the same time she was being really loving with my son & even mentioning being together forever etc.

I'm feeling angry, used, upset, scared, betrayed. I can't even IMAGINE how my son is feeling!

Son said that she was in hosp related to drug use.

Maybe her family wanted her to come back so they could help her & care for baby. I don't know.

I wish this weren't real. My son has been improving his life bit by bit. I'm angry that this has happened. I'm afraid that his friends (a lot of whom are rather self-centered) won't think about how he might feel. His friends & his family & his music are the most important things in his life.

I am feeling very awful. I wish this wasn't real. These feelings feel very much like when family members have died. Then add on the betrayal stuff, & me being so sad that my son now has to deal with this.

:-(( Kath

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:23:43

In reply to Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:57:52

(((((Kath)))))) That is awful. I don't have any advice to give, but I'm thinking of you and your son.

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Deneb

Posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 21:26:09

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:23:43

Thanks Deneb,

Just knowing people care helps.

Also having people not try to 'minimize' it helps.

You're very kind.

I'm glad someone replied tonight while I was still online.

I'm going to sign off now.

I send you hugs & have a wonderful trip! I'm sure you will. I am so very excited for you.

love, Kath

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath

Posted by Phillipa on May 13, 2009, at 21:58:42

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Deneb, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 21:26:09

Kath just when you have the time to relax. Seems this kind of stuff always happens to me also. Like do something good and something bad happens or sort of. Love Phillipa well you know where I am.

 

Bush couldn't get it right Kath

Posted by Bobby on May 13, 2009, at 23:48:42

In reply to Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:57:52

but I sure can. "Fool me once, shame on you----fool me twice, shame on me!" Tell your son to run away from that bit** as fast as his legs will allow.She will forever be on the lookout to "trade up"---you know it , I know it and probably everyone in the Galaxy knows it but a fool in love. I feel with certainty that your son was plan B all alone if things didn't work out with the genius who made the best decision of his life. I speak not with speculation but with authority. Trust your instincts--women(especially mothers) are far superior than us unlucky former targets who should have listened to y'all in the first place. My son's first "fact of life sermon" will be ,"Don't let your penis get harder than your head." good luck---and don't let it drag you down!

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath

Posted by SLS on May 14, 2009, at 7:33:11

In reply to Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:57:52

Hi Kath.

How unfair.

I am sure that it took a lot of VERY hard work for your son to deal with such a loss, especially when he was treated so inhumanely in the end. He does not deserve to be exposed to such pain and confusion all over again.

I guess you think this event will sabotage your son's mental health. It very well might. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to assure him that you are there for him to help him deal with this crisis, and that this crisis is very real. People who are perfectly healthy would be traumatized and damaged by the behavior of this woman. If it would be helpful and appopriate, you might want to mention to your son that an entire Internet community of people are on his side and wishes him the best.

How unfair.


- Scott

 

Re: Bush couldn't get it right Bobby

Posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 8:35:20

In reply to Bush couldn't get it right Kath, posted by Bobby on May 13, 2009, at 23:48:42

Thanks Bobby, You're an absolute sweetheart!

When I told my husband last nite about it, he said JUST what you did - that he totally believed that she acted lovey-dovey with my son to keep - I can't think of the saying - but to not close that door - he also felt that she wanted to keep our son as an option in case it didn't work out. DH & I also are edgy about son considering getting back with her if. However, his first statement when he told me she was back was, "My life is ruined! I never want to see that bitch's face again & now she's going to be with ---(her sister) when we're all doing stuff." BUT - he also did love her deeply. So, who knows.

The GOOD news today (thanks Universe) is that last nite when he (& exGF's sister!) were in Toronto at a club, they met a fellow son knows & stayed overnite & now son phoned me to say he's at the guy's friend's STUDIO - he has a record label etc. And son & the friend are just going to 'work on' making a song together! As you mite know, son is INTO creating his own music - into DJing "Drum & Bass" & "Dubstep" music. On Monday nite he was on a live internet radio show! He has done internet radio shows before & has spun at clubs in Toronto & tomorrow is on the list of Dj's spinning at a large private party.

So when he told me that, I said, "Well the Universe dished you out something real bad, now it's dished you out something really good."

He said something like, "Yeah! Well I'm doing okay about the other thing, so that's good."

I think it was really good that yesterday he spent time with some friends, including EGF's sister, then went to Toronto with her. I also told him yesterday & he agreed, that EGF probably won't have as much freedom since she has a child. I highly doubt that her parents are prepared to be big-time babysitters while their daughter-who-has-a-big-drug-problem parties....especially at Toronto clubs!

Thank you SO much for your support. It means a lot to me.

I've arranged to go to my wonderful therapist for some sessions around this. It's a big deal, but my reaction sure indicates there's more inside me that being triggered!

hugs & smiles, Kath


> but I sure can. "Fool me once, shame on you----fool me twice, shame on me!" Tell your son to run away from that bit** as fast as his legs will allow.She will forever be on the lookout to "trade up"---you know it , I know it and probably everyone in the Galaxy knows it but a fool in love. I feel with certainty that your son was plan B all alone if things didn't work out with the genius who made the best decision of his life. I speak not with speculation but with authority. Trust your instincts--women(especially mothers) are far superior than us unlucky former targets who should have listened to y'all in the first place. My son's first "fact of life sermon" will be ,"Don't let your penis get harder than your head." good luck---and don't let it drag you down!

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( SLS

Posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 8:41:56

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath, posted by SLS on May 14, 2009, at 7:33:11

> Hi Kath.
>
> How unfair.
~~~~~~~Yup! bigtime!

> I am sure that it took a lot of VERY hard work for your son to deal with such a loss, especially when he was treated so inhumanely in the end. He does not deserve to be exposed to such pain and confusion all over again.

~~~~Yes. Yesterday he said at one point, "Mom I don't even know how I'm feeling!"

>
> I guess you think this event will sabotage your son's mental health. It very well might. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to assure him that you are there for him to help him deal with this crisis, and that this crisis is very real. People who are perfectly healthy would be traumatized and damaged by the behavior of this woman.

~~~~~~~I was mostly afraid he'd deal with it by doing hard drugs! I told him this & he said, "Oh now - it's not like that" He's been doing pretty well lately. Very well really. He's stopped his risperidol (antipsychotic) so I made a big deal about how it's very important for him to be aware that doing K & ecstasy put him at bigger risk for relapse since he's not on meds. Yes, I was also afraid it would have a really bad impact on his mental health, but hearing him today, I realize that I think he's going to be okay. I'm so glad this music thing that I told Bobby about has happend. I also told him that I am VERY upset & have no IDEA how he must feel. That's when he said he didn't even know how he feels.~ ~

If it would be helpful and appopriate, you might want to mention to your son that an entire Internet community of people are on his side and wishes him the best.

~ ~ ~ Ya know what - that's a great idea! & I'll also mention the part about how perfectly helthy people would be traumatized by this, etc.


> How unfair.
>
>
> - Scott

~ ~ ~ Thanks VERY much for your support. It means a tremendous lot to me.

love, Kath

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Phillipa

Posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 8:43:14

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath, posted by Phillipa on May 13, 2009, at 21:58:42

Hi Phillipa,

Thanks for your support!!! ((you))

I had been having the "waiting for the next shoe to drop" feeling - but hadn't known it would be in THIS weird form!!!

Love & hugs & thx for being there. Kath

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath

Posted by Sigismund on May 14, 2009, at 17:25:38

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( SLS, posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 8:41:56

>"Mom I don't even know how I'm feeling!"

Could he could be feeling that he wants (might want) to get back with her, or some variation on that?

 

Long reply to short question (you know me!) Sigismund

Posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 9:20:03

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath, posted by Sigismund on May 14, 2009, at 17:25:38

> >"Mom I don't even know how I'm feeling!"
>
> Could he could be feeling that he wants (might want) to get back with her, or some variation on that?

~ ~ Well, I sure as h*** hope not! But that's what my husband is nervous about. Me too a bit, & he might on some level, but I really hope he cares more about himself than to actually consider it, even if it came up. A good thing is that her parents won't allow him in their home (even though he's friends with the brother & sister of exGF). She didn't really do drugs before being with my son :-( His severity of drug use got worse during the years they were together. Ironically (to me) the brother had a huge cocaine problem & was in rehab at his parents' insistence.

I don't actually think so, but I imagine he's feeling he wants back what he's lost! And that doesn't exist anymore. I think he blames himself for insisting that they had to leave our town (during a psychotic episode)& the subsequent wrecking of their lives. Even though they planned to go out there, stopped drugs, planned a different life for themselves, were going to get married, etc - they eventually started doing drugs again & crystal meth is a BIG problem out there. He developed schizophrenia (which I'm still not totally convinced would be a problem if he did NOT do any drugs or drink). They were involved with drug people; when he was in hosp GF became involved with their friend, who she went back to & basically was addicted to crys.meth. I've seen pictures of before & afters with meth use! Yikes. Even when they came back here, 2 1/2 years ago, I actually glanced at her arms, because I wondered by her looks if she was using heroin.

I think he blames himself for all of it. I imagine he feels guilt, shame, grief, anger, longing.

I haven't got a 'feel' for where he's at right now, because he stayed in Toronto until last night & went straight to bed, as he has his training session this morning at the YMCA (job-prep thing called Heads Up - it's described on the interntet - seems quite good). He couldn't sleep last night, so is feeling awful this morning, so no communication happening. I am also feeling yucky due to allergies (tree pollen I guess).

Anyway, thanks for caring. Even though I have IRL support, my PB friends' support means the world to me!

love, Kath

 

Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Kath

Posted by Phillipa on May 15, 2009, at 19:54:46

In reply to Long reply to short question (you know me!) Sigismund, posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 9:20:03

Kath I'm really sorry you have to deal with this issue again. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Phillipa

Posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 21:41:34

In reply to Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Kath, posted by Phillipa on May 15, 2009, at 19:54:46

> Kath I'm really sorry you have to deal with this issue again. Love Phillipa

~ ~ Thanks Phillipa - I think I'm still sort of in a state of shock. Thanks for your kindness.

It feels sort of like a bad dream. I guess both my son & I had been able, to some extent, to 'put it behind us'. It was like a chapter of life that was over. And now it's not over.

I'm hoping that having a baby means that she won't have the freedom to be going to this & that get-togethers. The one crappy thing is that her sister & brother used to have friends over when the parents were away for weekends. They'd do their music thing & stay the weekend. So unless exGF goes with the parents, my son won't be involved in those weekends. Unfortunately, that happened a lot during the summer; they have a pool & a lovely patio, etc, so a lot of their friends are there & really enjoy it. So there's a chance that it will have a major impact on his summer & he might have to deal with in effect, having most of his friends involved on the weekends in something he can't be! I don't even know if he's thinking of that. I am. I hope he isn't.

I guess I have to deal with this in the same way I'm trying to deal with other worries about the future. Try as best as I can to be in the "Now".

I'm glad that some really good things are happening for my son in the music area. He was already booked to 'spin' tonight at a party & then his friend phoned & asked him to come up to his place about an hour north, & join him on the online radio show that he does Friday nights. And on Wed at the club, it was arranged that son will DJ at the club in the summer & also to do a show at a new Drum & Bass event there that is being started on Sundays. Last Monday, he was on another internet radio show with the friend north of us, & he went to a studio Thursday morning to work on making music. So I'm VERY glad that positive stuff is happening for him.

Thanks for caring Phillipa. xox Kath

 

Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Kath

Posted by Phillipa on May 16, 2009, at 20:16:29

In reply to Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Phillipa, posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 21:41:34

Kath I think all will be well as he's in a different space now and is interested in other things. And he's leaving and she just arrived that's poitive to me. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Phillipa

Posted by Kath on May 16, 2009, at 20:49:57

In reply to Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Kath, posted by Phillipa on May 16, 2009, at 20:16:29

> Kath I think all will be well as he's in a different space now and is interested in other things.

~ ~ ~ I hope you're right. Hopefully, he'll meet new friends as he goes forward with his music interests.~ ~ ~


And he's leaving and she just arrived that's poitive to me. Love Phillipa

~ ~ Phillipa - I don't know what you mean by he's leaving. He's not leaving our town. He just went up to "town X" north of us to visit his friend. He'll still be living here.

Thx for being reassuring though. Who knows, maybe he even met new people at the big party he was spinning at last night! Cross my fingers. I think it would be great if he met new friends. For more than one reason. His old friends are all into drugs. From what he's said, he is doing less drugs for sure - which would explain why he's more like 'his old self'. Even to the point of sort of politely telling me "hey Mom - it's OKAY - I can take care of this." Whereas not at all long ago, he wouldn't have.

Anyway Phillipa, I appreciate your ongoing support. :-) Have you heard anything about your pdoc?

hugs, Kath

 

Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Kath

Posted by Phillipa on May 16, 2009, at 21:40:30

In reply to Re: Long reply to short question (you know me!) Phillipa, posted by Kath on May 16, 2009, at 20:49:57

Kath meant no hanging around waiting for a phone call or something. He's carrying on with his life as if she hadn't come. No no word which I'm hoping is good. Got lots of stuff to tell you that happened today. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath

Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 19, 2009, at 16:39:27

In reply to Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-(, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:57:52

Oh man, Kath, sounds like it feels a lot like the shadow of doom. Yes--like the death of someone. You wake up and realize it's still there--for a moment everything's okay and then you wake up and you have this dread.

This woman really did a ringer on your son. I cannot believe that in his fragile state, and on his birthday, someone could so callously send a text message just ditching your son. It's a good thing they are not together anymore, but how awful that he has to be reminded of it over and over again?

> Don't know if people will remember. She came back to Ontario 2 1/2 years ago with him from BC when he'd been in hospital for psychosis. Was all lovey-dovey with him. They'd been together for 3 yrs & were talking about getting married (mind you they were both really messed up & using drugs). Within weeks she went back to BC 'for a week to get their things' - but really to be with guy she'd hooked up with when my son was in hospital for a month.
>
> He was DEVASTATED. She kept promising she'd be back for his birthday, but ON his B-day she TEXT-MESSAGED him saying she loved A---- & didn't want my son to contact her again.
>
> He's good friends with her sister & knew that last week the family was going to BC to see ex-GF as she was in hospital.
>
> So today he learned that she'd come back with them, along with her baby (6 months old or so). Son is REALLY upset. We live in a pretty small town. Most of his friends are friends with ExGF's sister also & were friends with GF but through my son.
>
> He says he doesn't even KNOW what he's feeling, but he's very upset. Partly he's afraid that she'll accompany her sister to the get-togethers that they have; be at the same clubs in Toronto, etc.
>
> That's him.
>
> And I am very upset also. VERY. I have felt like this before, when someone close has died. The time right after, when there are all the funeral things happening, & time seems to move very differently & it feels like being in a vacuum somehow. I feel AWFUL. She lived with son in our home for a year. She was part of our family. When they first came back & he was so sick & they were living here she would have daily phone calls with A---- back in BC & be giggling, etc. It as pretty apparent to DH & I that it was more than just a frienship, but we kept hoping we were wrong. At the same time she'd say to A-- "No, I'll tell them soon." At the same time she was being really loving with my son & even mentioning being together forever etc.
>
> I'm feeling angry, used, upset, scared, betrayed. I can't even IMAGINE how my son is feeling!
>
> Son said that she was in hosp related to drug use.
>
> Maybe her family wanted her to come back so they could help her & care for baby. I don't know.
>
> I wish this weren't real. My son has been improving his life bit by bit. I'm angry that this has happened. I'm afraid that his friends (a lot of whom are rather self-centered) won't think about how he might feel. His friends & his family & his music are the most important things in his life.
>
> I am feeling very awful. I wish this wasn't real. These feelings feel very much like when family members have died. Then add on the betrayal stuff, & me being so sad that my son now has to deal with this.
>
> :-(( Kath

 

Dreams Amelia_in_StPaul

Posted by Kath on May 19, 2009, at 20:55:00

In reply to Re: Son's former GF who left him is back in town :-( Kath, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 19, 2009, at 16:39:27

> Oh man, Kath, sounds like it feels a lot like the shadow of doom. Yes--like the death of someone. You wake up and realize it's still there--for a moment everything's okay and then you wake up and you have this dread.

~ ~ Yeah. That's how it feels. Last nite & the night before, I had dreams about EGF & her sister. In the one last nite - well early this morning, the sister delivered a Christmas gift to our Family from EGF. Sister was all excited about it & had put it on the counter before I could even react. It felt horrible. I hate how when I dream, I have all the emotions so that when I wake up it's as if those things REALLY happened & I went through them. I usually try to see what emotion is in the dream - to try to let it tell me what is going on inside me. In that dream: HELPLESS!!

> This woman really did a ringer on your son. I cannot believe that in his fragile state, and on his birthday, someone could so callously send a text message just ditching your son. It's a good thing they are not together anymore, but how awful that he has to be reminded of it over and over again?

~ ~ Yup - she's quite the ticket! I couldn't believe it either. I mean getting dumped ON your Birthday BY TEXT message!!! GAWD. 2 of son's friends have also been dumped by their GF's on their birthdays. What is WRONG with these young women? How flippin' LOW.

K


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