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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 157. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on July 6, 2008, at 21:43:23
There is this Workplace Alert Program where you can "report your concern in a confidential manner". I hope I don't regret it. I think I may throw up now.
-T
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 7, 2008, at 2:56:54
In reply to Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by TexasChic on July 6, 2008, at 21:43:23
> There is this Workplace Alert Program where you can "report your concern in a confidential manner". I hope I don't regret it. I think I may throw up now.
>
> -THey, GOOD for you T! They know the importance of confidentiality, so don't worry about that aspect. Workplace "Bullies" need to be stripped and ridiculed for their behaviour...give them some HUMILITY! No need to be "throwing up" now TC!! Removal of these kinds of people from the workplace makes a better world for us all. Thank God we have Unions! But sadly many don't have one at their workplace, or they have a really crappy one. I am very happy for you. Go forward and be strong, because it sounds like this person has taken some of your inner self-confidence and strength away. My closing words: F*CK 'EM! :)
(Sorry, not too philosophical from a man who preaches 'peace'...lol. I am so damn tired of seeing good people getting up the *ss by these Managers in big corporations. It seems to give them sexual thrills or something. Hitler was like that, you know? Extreme sadist and all.Let me/us know what happens to this 'boss', okay?
Would like to see 'em fry...ooppss..wait...I am against the death penalty...sorry..lol :-)Best,
Jay
Posted by Angela2 on July 7, 2008, at 8:43:04
In reply to Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by TexasChic on July 6, 2008, at 21:43:23
Good for you TC. I think you did the right thing. (((tc)))
Posted by fayeroe on July 7, 2008, at 9:00:21
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by Angela2 on July 7, 2008, at 8:43:04
Good for you! I believe in reporting someone who takes advantage of a workplace situation.......xoxoxo pat
Posted by Phillipa on July 7, 2008, at 12:31:09
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor » Angela2, posted by fayeroe on July 7, 2008, at 9:00:21
T any word yet? You will keep us posted? Love Phillipa
Posted by texaschic on July 7, 2008, at 13:01:52
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by Phillipa on July 7, 2008, at 12:31:09
Thanks you guys. The support helps more than you know.
I'm trying to make myself get out of the depression I feel overwhelming me, but I don't know if I can. I just don't like when things are up in the air like they are - it makes me nervous.
So I'm just sitting here keeping to myself and doing my work. I haven't really talked to anyone except for RudeGirl who I almost got in a fight with (a few words were exchanged, but as usual I walked off rather than getting into a big hoopla - but I was close to losing it). I feel like my self control is just hanging by a thread. Its just gone on too long.
I'm just so tired of always having problems at work. I feel like that commercial where the guy is trying to talk to his wife in their hotel room and every time he starts to speak a jackhammer drowns him out. After the 4th or 5th time he just looks at the ceiling and says, "Really???" That's how I feel. I go from one bad situation to another and I'm just looking at the universe going, "Really??? After all I've been through, you're giving me this??? Are you KIDDING me???"
-T
Posted by Angela2 on July 7, 2008, at 19:16:53
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by texaschic on July 7, 2008, at 13:01:52
TC, are you in therapy? I was just wondering bc maybe going to t would help you find out why you are in this pattern? I dunno. I'm glad you filed a complaint. I hope your boss gets in trouble, haha. I hope you feel better~
Ang2
Posted by TexasChic on July 7, 2008, at 21:34:54
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by Angela2 on July 7, 2008, at 19:16:53
No, I'm not currently seeing a T, I know I should start up again though. However, I've read a lot about bullying, and one thing they say is it tends to happen over and over to a person because they have qualities that attract a bully. Here's what one article says:
Bullies are particularly drawn to people with the following qualities:
* Popularity - This brings out the jealousy side of the bully.
* Intelligence - This only enhances the bullys inadequacies.
* You always give 100% and will do anything to help others - This brings out jealousy In bullies.
* You are imaginative and creative - Again shows the bullies incompetence.
* You have a strong sense of right and wrong - The bully will never admit to being wrong.
* You prefer to talk rather than fight - The bully sees this as a sign of weakness.
* High level of tolerance - The bully will try and break you down through bullying to prove he is stronger than you.
I do continue to keep an eye out for patterns that could be causing this to happen to me over and over, but the more I read about it, the more I think its not me doing anything to cause it. However, there may be a way I can prevent myself from getting in these situations, or maybe learn to spot them earlier on, which would be what a T could help with.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 7, 2008, at 22:12:53
In reply to Bullies » Angela2, posted by TexasChic on July 7, 2008, at 21:34:54
I can see how all these qualities relate to me:
* Popularity - This brings out the jealousy side of the bully.
I'm not really popular, but I tend to be well liked over all, and I seem to befriend the people most find hard to open up.* Intelligence - This only enhances the bully's inadequacies.
I think I tend to appear rather dingy, then surprise people by showing my intelligence.
* You always give 100% and will do anything to help others - This brings out jealousy In bullies.Yep that's me!
* You are imaginative and creative - Again shows the bullies incompetence.I'd like to think that describes me.
* You have a strong sense of right and wrong - The bully will never admit to being wrong.I think that describes me too.
* You prefer to talk rather than fight - The bully sees this as a sign of weakness.Definitely
* High level of tolerance - The bully will try and break you down through bullying to prove he is stronger than you.Yeah, I'm pretty stubborn & try to tough things out.
They also say the victims tend to be independent, which I think is something I've always shown by not wanting to get involved in petty gossip, and not being a kiss up (I have a low tolerance for fake people & gossips).
These are the types of things they always list about the victims of bullies. So I think there's something to it. I think its a certain combination of qualities.
-T
Posted by Kath on July 8, 2008, at 20:09:51
In reply to Re: Well, I made a complaint about my supervisor, posted by texaschic on July 7, 2008, at 13:01:52
>I'm just looking at the universe going, "Really??? After all I've been through, you're giving me this??? Are you KIDDING me???"
******Boy can I relate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I get mad at God & I don't even believe in God in the sort of traditional sense!! LOL
I send you hugs. I am so glad you were able to do this. I hope it goes well.
When did you make the report?
Did you get any feedback?
luv you, Kath
Posted by Kath on July 8, 2008, at 20:13:04
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 7, 2008, at 22:12:53
TC - have you had problems with other bullies, or just this boss?
She sounds AWFUL & you know that other folks have said to you sort of "Oh jeez - you work for WHO?" or stuff like that.
Have you had this happen much before in your life?
xo Kath
Hope all's well with your brother & Mom.
Posted by TexasChic on July 8, 2008, at 20:39:12
In reply to Re: Bullies » TexasChic, posted by Kath on July 8, 2008, at 20:13:04
> TC - have you had problems with other bullies, or just this boss?
>
> She sounds AWFUL & you know that other folks have said to you sort of "Oh jeez - you work for WHO?" or stuff like that.
>
> Have you had this happen much before in your life?
I made the report on Sunday and haven't heard anything yet. And yes, I've had other bullies. Last time it was two coworkers, the time before I think the woman was an ACTUAL psychopath, and before that I left a job because of similar circumstances to what I'm going through now I was way way overworked and would only get feedback on what I'd done wrong. Believe me, I've given it a lot of thought, and I do try to work on my short comings, but I've talk with a T about all but this most recent one and they assured me I hadn't done anything to deserve the treatment I got. I do however, think I might be following a pattern that puts me in similar situations. I just don't really know how to change it yet. I guess I learn a little more with each experience.Mom and bro are okay for now. Things have been pretty uneventful except for my job.
-T
Posted by texaschic on July 9, 2008, at 15:42:01
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 8, 2008, at 20:39:12
Saw my write up on the printer. On suspension unless I clean up my act in 90 days. I took it and handed it to her and said I think this is yours. I kept control until she left, then I was very distraught and cried alot. But since then I've talked to HR and my bosses boss and feel a bit better. They said as long as I get everything very specific and in writing, all I have to do it follow it to a T and document it all. Then I'll be off the hook and can start applying for internal jobs again. They said it happens all the time. In the meantime I'm looking for other jobs. Talk more later.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 17:41:19
In reply to I was right, posted by texaschic on July 9, 2008, at 15:42:01
I know I can fight this and I know I can win, because my work will be judged by a third party and not skewed. But the thought of continuing to work there sickens me (and the thought of starting over at a new job scares me to death!). I know I'll get back to my normal, mostly positive self, but right now I'm pissed, depressed, fed up, and just so sick of always trying SO HARD only to get shot down.
-T
Posted by Noa on July 9, 2008, at 18:17:15
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 8, 2008, at 20:39:12
so sorry you are having to deal with this bully boss! I, too have had a couple of bully bosses. One eventually got a little tamer toward me but I saw her bully other people and hated that. A few co-workers came and went (to and from our team) because they couldn't take it. I think I survived as long as I did because there was a point at which her office was moved pretty far away from mine in the building, so at least I didn't have her--literally--breathing down my neck! She is someone that I think has no clue how much of a bully she really is, though. She can be very generous with gifts, etc. which always made me cringe--she would buy me birthday gifts (I never returned the favor, btw). And I've seen her take younger workers under her wing, helping them when they first move to town, etc. And as long as they like to be doted on (read: smothered!), things can go along well for a while. But there was only one that I know of who didn't pull away--well, maybe she eventually would have but she moved away first! And besides, she was super needy and looking for a mother type. But I digress. So, the bully is super generous especially materially. And when she is feeling secure, she is good with compliments, etc. But if there is any reason for her to feel insecure, which happens frequently, because she isn't so skilled or knowledgable compared to most of the rest of us in that department, she gets mean. She easily gets into conflicts that never needed to be a conflict and then feels victimized. Ie, not so good at tact or empathy, and very egocentric. And the thing is she sees herself as someone who was bullied as a kid! I think it's cuz she comes on SO strong and overwhelms people so I could see other kids might have started to exclude her. And she probably tried to buy friends with gifts etc. But she is loud, critical, has poor boundaries--physically, she stands way too close, for example, making a person feel 'trapped', and it became apparent to some of us that she had done a lot of gossiping through informal channels, sending erroneous and not so good impressions of subordinates up the informal channels to the higher ups, and then seems totally unaware of her role in that, and doing things like yelling (literally) criticism and orders in public, which can be very humiliating, although I learned to stay calm and try not to engage, and think about the fact that it was she who was acting shamefully!
OK, I could go on but I don't want to hijack your thread with all this venting (feels good, though!).
All of this is to say that having a bully boss really stinks and I feel for you. I'm glad the company has an official process for confidential reporting of bullying, and I hope that their follow-through is equally professional and well-executed. And mostly I should say--brava! to you for filing the report.
Hang in there, and know that you don't deserve to be bullied!
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 18:33:27
In reply to Re: Bullies » TexasChic, posted by Noa on July 9, 2008, at 18:17:15
Thank you so much! Your experience was so similar I could have written it myself!
I actually did meet with HR today who had been forwarded my information from the complaint. She was more sympathetic than anyone I've spoken to so far, but she said it sounds more like unprofessional behavior to her than harassment. Of course, I can't remember all the crap I've experienced - I'm pretty bad about blocking that stuff out, so I don't think I did the situation justice. But she still may speak to some of my coworkers (she said she would have to evaluate the information before she decided that). If she does that, she will get an earful. And from people who are way better at expressing themselves than I am (I only express myself well when writing).
One thing I did do since I've gotten home today was return two phone calls about jobs. One was from a few weeks ago, so I don't know if its still available, I had to leave a message. The other was with a staffing agency, which I'm not real confident about, but at least its something! I've also applied to several others online, which I might still hear from. It feels good to do something proactive.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 18:35:31
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 18:33:27
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 19:19:31
In reply to Sorry I never remember to check that add name box (nm), posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 18:35:31
God, I go from feeling pretty decent to crying my eyes out. I'm just so sick of life being so freaking hard. I'm just so tired.
-T
Posted by Larry Hoover on July 9, 2008, at 21:15:39
In reply to Re: Sorry I never remember to check that add name, posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 19:19:31
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 22:29:53
In reply to {{{{{{{{{{TC}}}}}}}}} (nm) » TexasChic, posted by Larry Hoover on July 9, 2008, at 21:15:39
I'm feeling a lot of anger towards my friend/coworker who also works for my boss. I know its not rational, she has no obligation to do anything except what she chooses to. But I keep thinking, she is the one person who REALLY knows what our boss is like and how unbelievingly unreasonable she is. She's the one person who could tell it like it is and make a huge difference in what's happening to me (she's very well respected). But I just don't know if she is willing to jepordize (sp) her job for it.
And I'm mad because she never called me back that day, because I think my boss told her what was going on, and then she jut decided she didn't want to be involved.
Theh worst thing is, about a year ago another coworker was telling me she was going to go to the boss about RudeGirl, I told her I completely understand, but I just felt it would cause too many problems (because of my own my Supervisor) if I were to get involved. I mean, here this chick was asking for my help, and I wouldn't give it too her because I was too scared of rocking the boat. Ironically now that women is my biggest advocate. Makes me kind of feel like sh*t.
So now here I am feeling angry that my friend/coworker isn't standing up for me. I wrote her an email today saying, "Well, I told you when I'm feeling paranoid there always tends to be something to it. You laughed, but now we know differently. I saw my write up on the printer. Oh well, I talked to (my bosses boss) and feel like I at least have a fighting chance. But don't worry, its obvious you don't want to have anything to do with this, so I wont' mention it again." Now I feel like, why would I burn that bridge??? She's the only one who has witnessed it all!!! But I just felt like I had to tell her what I was feeling. I think I'm kind of plagued by this need to not beat around the bush and just say what I'm thinking. Oh well, we'll find out how it all turns out eventually I guess.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 22:34:28
In reply to {{{{{{{{{{TC}}}}}}}}} (nm) » TexasChic, posted by Larry Hoover on July 9, 2008, at 21:15:39
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 22:45:26
In reply to Oh, + thank you LarBear, your hugs are appreciated (nm), posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 22:34:28
... today on my being so nervous I was shaking? What's up with that? I'm tired of everyone always saying that! Its out of my control! I don't even know I'm shaking.Does anybody else have this problem?
-T
Posted by Midnightblue on July 10, 2008, at 0:30:03
In reply to Re: I was right, posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 17:41:19
I suspect you work for a good company and just have a crummy boss. Give the system a chance and don't give up and let her win.
MB
Posted by Dinah on July 10, 2008, at 12:06:55
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2008, at 18:33:27
I think it's hard to figure out the motivation of bullies. Because I was bullied in middle school, childhood bullying has become something of a crusade with me. I don't know why adults continue this unproductive behavior, but they do. Probably with those they *can*, for whatever reason. Or, since this woman likes people who attach themselves to her, perhaps with this woman she can't stand to have people unattach.
If it happens to a lot of people with her, it may not be any particular qualities of yours. It may just habitually be her behavior. And certainly not in the best interests of the company.
But if you find yourself often in this situation, even putting aside the fact that bullies aren't so uncommon in large companies, maybe it would be worthwhile to consult with someone to see if there are ways to learn to avoid or discourage them? Whenever I hear that someone is having relationship problems that tend to repeat themselves, I think therapy might be helpful to head off future problems. Although in a work context, perhaps there are coaches who work in this area?
Which is not to say you've done anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong in middle school, but if I ever see my son is being a victim of bullies, I would definitely seek out professional help to help him feel less helpless. (As well as tonguelashing the principal and handing her a stack of books on the topic. But I don't suppose that would work well with a supervisor.)
Posted by TexasChic on July 10, 2008, at 19:45:11
In reply to Re: Bullies » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on July 10, 2008, at 12:06:55
Yeah, the fact that there's a pattern hasn't been lost on me. There are probably ways I could better handle these situation and maybe keep them from getting to this point. What's even worse is I seem to choose the same people as friends! That's why I don't have any now, I just got tired of it. But the problem is I can't afford a T right now.
I've decided the best way to handle this is to treat it like a challenge. I know I can handle whatever she throws at me as long as I'm being judged fairly. And I've been assured that a third party from HR will be involved in every step. So all I have to do is get everything in writing, and make sure its very specific about how things will be decided, and then just do it. The thing I'm actually worried about it how to get a hold of my anger about all this. Somehow I will have to appear cordial and submissive and somehow refrain from telling her what a pathetic idiot I think she is. I guess that will be the real challenge.
She was being all nice to me today. I don't know whether she's aware that I know, even though I handed the write up to her off the printer and said, I believe this is yours. She might not have thought I actually read it (which I did before she walked in).
I know I need to just find another job, but I'm so tired of having to find another job! I wanted this one to work! I'm tired of always getting pushed out! I am one of the hardest workers you'd ever meet and just don't deserve this! The whole thing just doesn't make sense to me.
I wish I could just go live in the wilderness or something.
-T
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