Psycho-Babble Social Thread 612131

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Dehumanization

Posted by Shame on February 22, 2006, at 16:23:07


I hurt today. It has always been there, at the edge of my awareness, but today it has decided to take me for its own. People move around me participating in life, and I sit here and think about clawing my sickness from my body. Maybe I can hurt it as badly as it hurts me.

It's obvious that I refuse to accept that it's my own body doing this to me, and not some malicious entity. It's easier to do battle with something that is inside of you, rather than realizing it's actually you that are the enemy. Even as I sit here and rationalize it, some part of me rejects it as being just too hard to take.

I wish I had a support group, or someone that understood what I go through. Or a friend. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Someone that actually cares about who you are and what's happening to you. Me? I've showed up at people's houses to help them move, when all I wanted to do was lay down and die; helped someone hook up their hot tub while carrying a burden of grief so heavy that I could hardly speak. I put forth the effort without complaint, like there was no place I would rather be, and without showing how I am. On the rare occasions when I am invited somewhere, I go. When I make invitations of my own, I get unanswered calls, silence, or an uncomfortable no. It's odd. When I was in high school I was described as 'rakish' and 'funny'. I've always been quiet, but I always had friends. Now that I'm an adult and in another state, after 5 years of trying I have no one.

Is it the way I look? The way I dress? My behavior? Am I uninteresting? Are they laughing at me or with me? Can they smell the grief? See my desperation to make a connection with someone? Maybe they have enough friends, and one more would be too many.

So many familiar faces, and none of them searching for me. That in itself is embarrasing. The fact that they are able to look right through me... that evokes a mixture of terror and sadness that is hard to explain.

At least I have my pills.

 

Re: Dehumanization » Shame

Posted by James K on February 22, 2006, at 16:41:02

In reply to Dehumanization, posted by Shame on February 22, 2006, at 16:23:07

There's not much to say to that. I've been in the space you seem to be in right now. Depression is a mess. I hope you can find some answers for your long term problems, and at the risk of coming across patronizing, how you feel right now is temporary.

I hope some answer to your post is better than no answer. Because I feel you have more than you can see right now. Sorry, I'm not posting well right now. I'm going to stick it on the board anyway.

James K

 

Re: humanization » Shame

Posted by AuntieMel on February 22, 2006, at 16:41:29

In reply to Dehumanization, posted by Shame on February 22, 2006, at 16:23:07

"it's actually you that are the enemy"

No - it's some misfiring neurons that are the enemy. It isn't *you* because *you* are good. We are all good.

Go ahead and wallow a bit - it makes you feel better. Everyone deserves a good day of self-pity.

Then find something to do. Can you do any volunteer work? <right - I know it sounds trite> It helps to see there are others with problems, too. We all do such a wonderful job of hiding that side of ourselves. Many of those you think are 'participating' in life are actually doing their own job of hiding.

Help with an animal shelter? Be a zoo docent? Help a youth sports group? Tutor kids that are behind? Hospital? Clean the garbage off the beaches? (Or slopes, depending on your longitude)

This morning I felt like I just wanted to go back to bed for a very, very long time but I came to work anyway. And got many remimders of how many people depend on me. My mom needs to go to the doctor tomorrow, my youngest daughter needed advice on how to handle a school problem, the oldest is to close on a house next week and is stressed .....

If I'd hidden away I'd never have known they need me - and the desire to be needed is primal.

So - in a nutshell - sorry for the rambling - the best way I know to feel better is to help someone else. It pays back in spades.

 

Re: Dehumanization » Shame

Posted by phil on February 22, 2006, at 19:19:37

In reply to Dehumanization, posted by Shame on February 22, 2006, at 16:23:07

I used to go to 12 step meetings. I'd sit there feeling like nothing or no one could be hurting as much as I was.
I would usually see someone that I thought must be there because they were bored because they sure looked like they had their sh*t together.
Almost without fail that person would share what they were facing in their life. There were many times that I had tears in my eyes just hearing what they were going through, and I would remember the most important lesson I know. It ain't about me.

 

Re: humanization

Posted by TexasChic on February 22, 2006, at 19:34:08

In reply to Re: humanization » Shame, posted by AuntieMel on February 22, 2006, at 16:41:29

First of all, you're not alone. At 35 I've seen friendships come and go, and right now I'm kind of in between friends. Its hard, I know. But what AuntieMel says is true - helping others helps you feel better. In addition, just doing SOMETHING is always better than nothing. Getting out and mingling will put you in contact with more and more people, which gives you a greater chance of making friends. And volunteering is bound to result in meeting some decent people, as opposed to say, a bar.

But more than anything it sounds like you need to take care of YOU. Are you going to a therapist? I definitely recommend it. One of the main things I went to therapy for was learning how to communicate and interact with people better. And it helped more than I could have possibly imagined.

Of course meds are very important too if you're suffering from a chemical inbalance. It took me several tries to find one that made me feel normal so that I could actually pursue a better life.

Keep trying, its worth the effort. Even though I don't have a stellar history with friends, and I get kind of down sometimes, I'm still much happier than I ever was before.

-T

 

Re: humanization

Posted by Shame on February 23, 2006, at 19:00:21

In reply to Re: humanization, posted by TexasChic on February 22, 2006, at 19:34:08

I had a friend before I moved. We were kind of the core of a larger group of friends, but then again he had been my best friend for 20 years. Now thats gone and it isn't coming back.

I am on meds, and going to therapy. Have been for 13 years. I think the doc wants to try some new meds once suicide season is over, so we will see how that pans out.


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