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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 12:41:07
ugh..I have to go back to work on Monday....my parents stopped talking to me and so have my friends. My life is a disappointment. I'm scared I'm gathering more courage.....
Posted by PhoenixGirl on December 5, 2004, at 12:41:07
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
Hi Jerry. I certainly know just how you feel. It's a terrible way to feel, and you don't deserve it. I hope that you're getting help from a counselor and a psychiatrist. I'd be dead from suicide right now if it weren't for medication.
Why have your family and friends stopped talking to you? Will you share with us a little about your life?
Posted by SDW on December 5, 2004, at 12:41:08
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
Life seems overwhelmingly dissapointing when your perspective is distorted by depression. But try to remember...that's really what depression is--a distortion. Like most of the posters here, I have had problems with friends, school, and family that made me believe nothing would ever improve. But things did improve, and they will for you too. You are not at all alone in your suffering, though it feels that way. Hang in there a little longer and it will pay off...I would bet on it.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2004, at 12:41:08
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
> ugh..I have to go back to work on Monday....my parents stopped talking to me and so have my friends. My life is a disappointment. I'm scared I'm gathering more courage.....
I know that I think about whether I will commit suicide or not in terms of whether I will find the courage or not too. But then, for me the only reason why I sometimes contemplate suicide at all is becasue I am sick of all the pain and sick of the immense struggle that seems to be my life and I just am so desperate for a way to stop that.
I know that when people say this to me I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM - but here I go anyway: It will get better. I know that when things are low it can seem like ones life is always like that. And that the times in which I think things aren't so bad really - well, when I am in a bad place I just write that off as self deception and delusion.
But really, things do get better.
Things do remit.
That is why suicide is so tragic, because those intensely horrible feelings would most likely have passed and the person could have really gone on to have lived a fairly happy existence.It sounds like you have friends here who are still talking to you. I know it isn't the same as the real world. But people care.
Keep in touch.
Posted by ed_uk on December 5, 2004, at 12:41:09
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
To Jerry,
I'm not sure why your friends are not talking to you but remember that people will always talk to you here. Please tell us a bit more about how you are feeling and somebody might be able to help.
Best Wishes,
Ed.
Posted by 64bowtie on December 5, 2004, at 14:30:27
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life, posted by SDW on December 5, 2004, at 0:18:05
> that's really what depression is--a distortion.
<<< Thanx for stepping in with that observation. May I add that when we try desparately to fit a distortion into reality, and recycling even as many as a 1,000 times per minute, depression is an "anger turned inward", resulting in willful shutdown. Its much more involved than just a feeling or an attitude. The whole "bod" gets involved, then wants to shut down.
Suicide is not an option that improves anything; just feels that way. All 40 or 50 folks in our group of influencers (Yung: Imagos) will all be hurt terribly by our passing because we no longer chose to withstand any torture and torment, from within or without. So we are willing to opt out of our assumed pain for the real pain inflicted on 40 to 50 friends and acquaintances (influencers). Hmmmmmmmmm.........
Rod
Posted by 64bowtie on December 5, 2004, at 14:37:13
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
» jerrympls »
We are ready and willing to share our expeience, strength, and hope. My hope is the opposite of my despair, and I offer my hope to you, no matter what...
Rod
Posted by sunny10 on December 5, 2004, at 15:38:46
In reply to » jerrympls » we are here for you no matter what, posted by 64bowtie on December 5, 2004, at 14:37:13
If your friends and family aren't talking to you right now, it's probably only because depression is distorting what you say and they simply cannot understand you right now.
On the other hand, we here at Babble DO understand you and we are willing and able to listen and offer our support when you feel this way.
You may never have met us face to face, but we are all friends here. I am going out on a limb here, but please do not open posts from HermanMunster or Shalom right now, okay?? The rest of us want to help you feel better.
Here to listen and respond the next time I sign on,
Sunny10
Posted by partlycloudy on December 5, 2004, at 15:48:11
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
hi jerry, let me join in to say that as awful as you might feel right now, it will get better. you know that you have friends here, please keep posting and tell us what's going on.
i don't have to go back to work for 2 more weeks and i'm terrified. i thought i'd have made all sorts of "progress" by now and i'm still pretty weepy. going back to work feels like a huge deadline.
Posted by Cass on December 5, 2004, at 18:19:45
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
jerry, I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament. There are lots of people here who are interested and concerned and would like to give you support. Most have us have felt the way you do. Tell us a little more about yourself. Do you have a doctor or therapist? Have you tried medication?
We want to hear from you.
Posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 19:54:10
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life » jerrympls, posted by Cass on December 5, 2004, at 18:19:45
I have a pdoc and a therapist I see twice a week. My depression is treatment-resistant. I'm completely numb - emotionally and physically. I could go and walk in front of a bus and probably wouldn't feel anything - or maybe I would and maybe that's a good thing. I'm alone in a quietly mean city. People who I thought were friends stopped talking to me over a year ago because I didn't want to go out all the time and I was always "sick." The people I work with are passive-aggressive. I somewhat enjoy what I do, but I always get put down somehow. I broke down about 3 months ago and had to go on medical leave. At first it was a great relief - now at the end of it I realize I haven't gotten any better. I have no social life and stay in my apartment most of the time. I've gained over 100lbs on medications and am ashamed of by body. I haven't dated in over 6 years. Most importantly, I'm not making a difference....I'm simply existing to pay bills. Nothing more...
I can't see what I have to live for.
?
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 21:48:33
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 19:54:10
Hi, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that you're so badly. There's a theory that what makes you sick is your environment, not you.
Could this be possible? Is your city a stressful place to be? Where are you, is it big, smoggy? Cold, dark? Do you know your neighbours? Do they know you? Where are you, jerrympls?
Posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 22:08:11
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life » jerrympls, posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 21:48:33
> Hi, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that you're so badly. There's a theory that what makes you sick is your environment, not you.
> Could this be possible? Is your city a stressful place to be? Where are you, is it big, smoggy? Cold, dark? Do you know your neighbours? Do they know you? Where are you, jerrympls?I'm in Minneapolis. I don't know anyone in my apartment building and no one knows me. The weird thing is that I'm getting better care here than I was in my home town. I just have no hunger for life.
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 22:13:33
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life » Susan47, posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 22:08:11
Your environment, so far, doesn't sound very healthy. Minneapolis is a big city. No doubt it has smog? You live in an apartment and you and your neighbours aren't a community, in that you don't know and socialize and support each other. So far, I see things that point to isolation, which isn't a healthy human condition.
What about work?
Posted by Cass on December 5, 2004, at 22:30:25
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 19:54:10
I'm sad that you feel alienated. I think you need a community, jerry. You certainly have one here at PB, but I think you need an IRL community as well. Are there any groups that fit your interests or needs? A lot of people find a community in 12 step programs. There is so much love and unconditional acceptance in those groups. It really changes people's lives. Are there any churches that suit your religious/spiritual convictions? There's another place to make meaningful relationships and receive support. I know from personal experience that the more I live my own personal convictions, the more content I am. Not that life becomes perfect, but becoming truer to myself is very energizing.
You may be making a difference in someone's life unknowingly. For example, if most of the people in your office are passive-aggressive, there may be people who quietly appreciate the fact that you are not. You may not realize how much some people respect you.
Like I said, many of us have felt the way you do. Yet many of our lives are better today. I've been close to suicide many times in the past, but my life today is very happy. I love, and I feel loved.
Do you exercise at all. Does it make you feel any better to take walks? Is there a nice park anywhere near you? Sometimes it's amazing what a difference a walk will make.
Keep posting.
Posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 22:53:59
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life » jerrympls, posted by Cass on December 5, 2004, at 22:30:25
I'm not religious. Minneapolis - while touted as one of the best places to live is a quietly mean place. There's no such thing as "Minnesota Nice.," it's all a mask. You're only welcome in a community here if you grew up here. I used to play music with a couple people from work - but my depression overtook my desire to play. I'm severely isolated. I get out for walks when I walk my dog - that's it. One of my bosses at work used to be empathetic to me because I disclosed to her about my illness. She said she had an anxiety disorder. Then after a while, she started to use my illness against me by talking to other managers about me and God knows what else behind my back. Unfortunately I still have to kiss her butt to play the "work game." It all sucks. At least my direct supervisor is a nice guy.
Posted by verne on December 5, 2004, at 23:34:34
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life » Susan47, posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 22:08:11
Jerry,
I'm also isolated and find little reason to rise out of bed. I think it's great that you are working - I'm not.
I hope you can find a doctor who is sensitive to weight gain issues. I gained about 30 pounds on anti-depressants and only lost it through a low-carb diet.
You may want to consider a diet adjustment since 100lbs overweight has long-term consequences. Just cutting out starch and sugar made a huge difference with me. I went from 230 to 205lbs in no time. I have friends who are in the 300+ range and they all overdo carbs and sugar.
PLease don't make any drastic decisions based on where you are at now. When I was in my 20's I lived in constant emotional pain and was in and out of the hospital with self-inflicted injuries. They were just starting to take borderline personality disorder seriously.
The acute pain diminished with each decade. I think the body chemistry - the brain chemistry- changes as we grow older. In my case, the self-injury stopped in my 30's and suicidal ideation in my 40's. And this wasn't because I became a success in life. I found more peace than ever as a failure in my 40's.
So hang in there.
verne
Posted by alesta on December 6, 2004, at 3:46:01
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
hi jerry,
remember me? :) sorry things haven't improved for you. what meds are you taking? (if you don't want to talk about this again, it's ok.) maybe it would help to know that you're not alone. i've been feeling the same way. angst, despair, and boredom are everpresent lately. i also had serious suicidal feelings recently, as i am in a no-win constant miserable situation that has been ongoing for a long time. but recently there has been a strength that has taken over, a stubbornness to not give up. it sounds like you might feel this strength, too, right now. i know how bad things can get.
something that has helped me a little has been to just try and put your mind on something else, something enjoyable, something beautiful. can you try and distract yourself in some way, if even for a moment?
i am currently feeling unloved, unliked, and with nothing to sustain me. so i am right there with you. i promise.
don't be scared of your courage, jer. keep it up. there is nothing more admirable than going on when you're afraid and downtrodden..i admire you. you are achieving something great just by being alive. try and remind yourself of this every day..put it on your mirror, or better yet, maybe the phrase "I am a hero" would be better.
love,
amy
Posted by GeishaGirl on December 6, 2004, at 12:31:17
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
Hi Jerry,
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going thru. I have been suicidal many times. Thanx for sharing your pain.
What I feel I can say is what things are like and were like for me and what I found helpful.
When I get suicidal, I try my best to do things that bring me some kind of comfort, joy or nurturing, even if I don't believe it will help at all and/ or I don't deserve it(either solitary or community based activities.) Sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't. The activity itself gets me to doing something and I end up taking at least a two second break from sitting around and thinking too much about things I've gone over in my head ten million times. This kind of self-nurturing actually helps to to think things thru later. I try to keep up with this stuff and eventually I feel a bit more like I want to feel. I also talk or write to anyone I feel will be responsive to me.
I also allow myself to feel my pain, but not act it out. I feel like all of my life, people have told me that I shouldn't be feeling this way or that or it's not healthy or appropriate. That is destructive for me. I need to feel. And be responded to in a caring way.
Sometimes, however, I get almost completely immobilized to do any self-nurturing. What I try to do then is to try to tell myself that whatever I'm feeling is okay to feel and makes sense to me right now, but acting on it may be something I won't be around to regret later. At the same time, I also do what you are doing, talking with others, either in the real or virual world. I also feel, along with some others here, that some kind of loving community is essential. To me, this a need that every human being has.
Like some others here, I have also found that my periods of feeling suicidal have not only decreased over the years and that feelings of suicide or debiliating depression have also lessened in duration over the years, as I get to know myself and my needs.
I'm glad that you've come here. I hope that you continue to share and that you find some kind inner peace soon. Take care.
Geisha Girl
Posted by ron1953 on December 6, 2004, at 14:52:03
In reply to almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 4, 2004, at 22:39:06
Jerry:
The offer for email or phone contact still stands. Being isolated definitely sucks. Babble is a good thing but a real person, whether it's me or somebody else, is even better. I'm certain that there are many other Babblers who'd extend the same support. Please accept it. I've been where you are and know how it feels. You're already reaching out; please reach a little farther.
Ron
Posted by Cass on December 6, 2004, at 17:50:14
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life, posted by jerrympls on December 5, 2004, at 22:53:59
Hi jerry,
How long have you been depressed?
Just interested in a little more background.
I'm glad you're keeping in touch with us.
Best,
Cass
Posted by partlycloudy on December 7, 2004, at 7:50:25
In reply to Re: almost ready to end life, posted by ron1953 on December 6, 2004, at 14:52:03
Jerry, I'm here to listen too. Please babblemail if you want to talk.
This is the end of the thread.
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