Psycho-Babble Social Thread 255034

Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Letter to my Son - Help (long)

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

Dear Moms and Dads. Dear friends on Psycho-Social Babble. I am having ... lots of guilt and concern today about my role as a parent. Primarily, my feelings of failure .... I discovered a 10-ounce water bottle of straight vodka when I unpacked my son's bags in his dorm room (3000+ miles away in California), and elected to leave it with him -- rather than pour it out.

I've also found some correspondence in his room that details depression ... especially depression related to the loss of his girlfriend (now attending college on the east coast). Raising J in my parents' home has been a mixed bag. I was going to say mixed-blessing, but that didn't feel right. We're in the epicenter of the family abuse that seemed to focus on me .... I've had my issues. I haven't always done the best job, apparently. Who can? Is there anyone who gets through parenting feeling good about what they've done? Sigh. Not me. J is a National Merit Scholar and received a $36,000 to attend this school in the west .... His (basically absent since J's birth) father is furious with me, and feels the vodka was a "cry for help," which I blew. He's out and out detailed my many failures -- including my candor with J about events in my personal life ....

Where does one draw the line? What to tell. What to keep private? Apparently I never knew (and still struggle with this issue). If you have time, would you please read the following letter I wrote J and let me know if what I've said sounds as though it's coming from the heart -- which was my intent -- or just too much information?

Feeling lost and alone. Much obliged for your help.

Temmie

* * * * *

Dear J,

This is not the kind of letter that should come via email, but I wanted to talk with you right away, and this seemed the most expedient method. Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I walked outside to look at Mars tonight, and it’s so exciting! I bet you had a terrific view of the stars from up in the mountains, and hear there will be a Mars Party or two sometime this week. I hope you’ll be able to attend. I hope that you’re enjoying yourself. I hope you’re settling in okay. I hope everything is going just as you should, and that your experiencing all the freedom and fun you've long desired and deserved.

I talked with your dad about your bottled water, and he was very upset with me that I didn’t take a stronger stance. My view is that you’re an adult now. If you’re old enough to get drafted (and old enough to move away from home as an independent), you’re old enough to make your own best choices – and come what may, should things go awry -- to deal with whatever consequences come your way. As I said at our partingmake good choices.

Just make good choices.

While I understand adolescence involves a fair degree of experimentation that all of us have lived through, I’m somewhat concerned – especially given my experience with those who have trouble “feeling their feelings” and instead, who grease the wheels with things that make them feel a little better. I realize parting with Ali was perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to go through, and while my heart breaks for you – I also believe in my heart of hearts – that life has beautiful things in store for you. Just keep looking up. Keep moving forward. Keep turning inward for the strength, guidance and courage you need when things seem more than you can bear.

That said, I’m also well aware that depression runs in the family. I’ve told you before, and will say it again – if you get to a point where things just don’t seem to be working for you – talk with me – or talk with whomever you trust most, and find your way to a health care provider who can be of assistance ....

Daddy is laying a big guilt trip on me for being a bad mother. For not setting a better example. For the candor I’ve shared with you in my struggles with Paul .... One can’t help ... I can’t find the words here .... Sometimes one can’t help, or can’t stave the flow of love and affections they feel for another – even when that “other” is less than perfect or whole. I certainly didn’t know about the extent of Paul’s challenges – and while perhaps a “better” mother would have kept such matters to herself – I’ve always been open, honest, and up-front about what I’ve been dealing withgood times and bad included. This includes moments of frustration about living with Grandma and Grandpa – although I hope you know, underneath it all, I love them dearly, of course – and am grateful beyond description for the stability they’ve provided you and me – even though it’s been a framework I’ve often resisted and resented.

It has cost a great deal ... personally ... to “give up my life” as I knew it – to surrender my music, my art, my social networks, etc. – being in this house .... When I was in therapy with Pam we often talked about it being a necessary sacrifice to provide the stability I best needed for you. And that's the truth. We would not have had such a stable life, had I been struggling along on my own.

I’m just sorry that “stability” came with such a price.

I am not a perfect mother by any means. I’m an old soul, an imperfect being, and a woman who bears the guilt that only a mother can know. I’ve tried to do the best I could for you – although I’ve been aware for a long time, that somewhere along the line your feelings for me changed from affection to resentment. That said, I didn’t feel it was my place to “pour out your water,” or take it away. I didn’t feel I had that right. I don’t feel I embody that parental role any more for you .... I just didn’t know what to do – but leaving matters in your own hands (with that caution to be smart) seemed the best choice at the time.

Daddy is furious, of course. I’ve set a bad precedent. I’ve modeled poor choices in my relationship with Paul. “How is he supposed to know how to make good choices in life when you’ve modeled so many stupid mistakes? He needs a mother he can look up to ....” I’ve probably shared too much with you of a personal nature .... I suppose that’s something of what you meant when you said the afternoon of your dental appointment, “nobody talks with their mothers the way you talk with me.” Frankly, I’m not quite sure what you meant – but I just wish to reiterate – I’m sorry beyond all description for all the stupid, inept, inappropriate things I’ve said and done, and for any and every way I’ve failed you. I think I’ve said this already, but I did the best I could – and believe me, there is noone who knows more than myself, how short that “best” sometimes fell.

I hope you will remember the good times, though. The words we’ve added to the lexicon of our language. The laughter. The road trips. (The fun ones that is ... if you have any remembrances of fun ones.) Our love of animals. Our rocks (remember “Smoothie?”). The piggies.

Be careful with the things you tell yourself about the life you’ve led until now. I was trying to touch on that in my earlier email. We can “rescript” things you know. The mind is a powerful vehicle, and a very useful tool. We can rescript things to accent the positive .... The stories we tell ourselves, they’re very powerful, J. They have the power to shape our attitudes, ideas, beliefs, experiences, and so on. Make sure the stories you tell yourself about who you are and where you came from – that they serve you well.

In other words, try to look at the glass half full, as opposed to half empty. You can do it, and you must, if you wish to be a success. You are not coming from a place of lack, but a place of abundance – experiences that shaped you into an incredible scholar – and, hopefully ... presumably ... experiences that will stand you in good stead for the myriad challenges that come ahead (and believe me, there will be many).

I made a mistake on the Serenity Prayer in my last email. The first line is“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ....” You can’t change the many ways you may feel that I’ve failed you ... or that your dad has failed you ... or the fact that Ali’s and your time together (at least for the time being) has come to a close. But you DO have the power to change things within your own reach. To dig deep and find the courage (and the growing wisdom) to change the things you can.

You can choose to be a success.

You can choose not to be wounded.

You can choose to grow in the ways of wisdom.

You can create your own destiny by the very powerful images, ideas, and beliefs that you wish to manifest.

All of this leads up to my cautioning you that your dad is WAY flipped out about things. He’s talking about flying out to California to talk with you, and he feels that you need counseling, etc. etc. etc., immediately, and wants to get something set up right away with student health services.

Just be prepared for his call.

My opinion is – that you’re quite smart, quite capable, that you’re on your own .... That kids experiment. Kids make mistakes .... and judging from how well you’ve done with shaping your future – you should do equally well with shaping how things continue to unfold. Still, I wanted to give you a “heads up.”

And, again, I wish to apologize for every stupid, inadequate, and/or just plain wrong thing I’ve done as a parent and as a human being. I’ve said it already, but I am well aware of my imperfections. I am ever working to improve myself – even though you may not choose to see or believe that. This includes working to forgive myself (one of life’s greatest challenges), and to keep looking up, and moving forward myself. My childhood included rape, beatings, physical and emotional violence that has ever changed my emotional wiring – with the hypersensitivity to stress referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder. This is probably way more than you need to know – but when it comes to troubles .... Surviving troubles, and working to come out on the other side of the box – not as a victim – but as a well-meaning, contributing member of society – I’ve walked a challenging path, and it’s not over yet. I know you have an equally tough road ahead of you. (And I know you’ve got what it takes to meet whatever challenges lie ahead.)

I realize I don’t talk to you as “other mothers talk to their children,” and I can’t help it. One of my child-psych professors once said, “Since when do we prepare children for life by protecting them from the truth?”, and I guess that’s kind of become kind of a code that I live by.

I’m sorry if it’s hurt you. Please know, despite our ups and downs, I have always loved you fiercely, and I always will. Like it or not, I’m in your corner, and if that means you wish for me to bow out for awhile, I will do so – but I will never stop loving you. And I’ll never stop worrying and wondering what I might have done (or might still do) that will make things better.

I hope the talk with your dad goes well. I feel he’s overreacting, but perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps you want more of a parent who shows their love and caring by the rules they lay down. Perhaps I’ve also failed you in that regard, but if you want help in getting your dad to back off a bit, I will endeavor to be of assistance. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than having a parent fly out the first week of school to haul their child off for counseling. If I can be of help in any way, let me know. If you want me to back off, let me know that, too.

Bye for now.

Be well
Be blessed
Be loved

You are such an important person, have such important gifts to share with the world -- and being your mother has been the most important and valuable gift I've ever known.

Take good care.

Mom

 

Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie

Posted by Dena on August 28, 2003, at 12:19:34

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

Oh, Temmie...

I feel so honored & humbled to have been allowed to "hear" you pour out your heart to your son! As a mother, I felt every word, every tear you must have shed as you wrote to him.

Being a mother is like cutting off a piece of your heart & letting it walk away from you. Such a blessing & such a heartbreak!

I admire you so much for how you've sacrificed for your son, how you've loved him as best you could, & for how you're handling this latest challenge. My priest tells me that we all "flunk" parenting, & that we go on from there, relying on grace to do the job. (Adam & Eve had the perfect parent, & they still messed up!)

I know the pain of having a child resent you. I know the agony of laying awake at night, having all the scenes in which I've "failed" my children play over & over in my mind.

May you receive mercy for your failings, may you be encouraged in your efforts, & may your son have his eyes opened to the blessing that you truly have been & still are to him!

You have a good heart, Temmie! You have done the best you were able to do. All things will work together for good.

Shalom, Dena

 

Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 12:28:17

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

Hi Temmie.

It is very clear that you love your son very much. However, I think that you say too much about being a terrible mother, and the ways that you have failed him. I also think that you say a little too much about the differences between you and your ex. I know that I try to walk a fine line when talking to my kids about my ex. J needs to feel free to love both of you.

I've tried to annotate your letter. Comments start with ***

I don't know you (really), and I don't know J at all, so if my comments are out of line you would know that better than I.

I hope that I haven't overstepped my bounds.

(((((Temmie)))))
>
> Dear J,
>
> This is not the kind of letter that should come via email, but I wanted to talk with you right away, and this seemed the most expedient method. Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I walked outside to look at Mars tonight, and it’s so exciting! I bet you had a terrific view of the stars from up in the mountains, and hear there will be a Mars Party or two sometime this week. I hope you’ll be able to attend. I hope that you’re enjoying yourself. I hope you’re settling in okay. I hope everything is going just as you should, and that your experiencing all the freedom and fun you've long desired and deserved.
*** Great paragraph
>
> I talked with your dad about your bottled water, and he was very upset with me that I didn’t take a stronger stance. My view is that you’re an adult now. If you’re old enough to get drafted (and old enough to move away from home as an independent), you’re old enough to make your own best choices – and come what may, should things go awry -- to deal with whatever consequences come your way. As I said at our partingmake good choices.
*** This is really good. You tell him what you expect. You let him know his dad didn't agree. It is fairly factual (and that is good).
>
> Just make good choices.
>
> While I understand adolescence involves a fair degree of experimentation that all of us have lived through, I’m somewhat concerned – especially given my experience with those who have trouble “feeling their feelings” and instead, who grease the wheels with things that make them feel a little better.
*** Goes with "bottled water" paragraph?

I realize parting with Ali was perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to go through, and while my heart breaks for you – I also believe in my heart of hearts – that life has beautiful things in store for you. Just keep looking up. Keep moving forward. Keep turning inward for the strength, guidance and courage you need when things seem more than you can bear.
*** Encouraging.
>
> That said, I’m also well aware that depression runs in the family. I’ve told you before, and will say it again – if you get to a point where things just don’t seem to be working for you – talk with me – or talk with whomever you trust most, and find your way to a health care provider who can be of assistance ....
*** Critically important. Has he ever seen the list of Depression symptoms?
>
> Daddy is laying a big guilt trip on me for being a bad mother. For not setting a better example. For the candor I’ve shared with you in my struggles with Paul .... One can’t help ... I can’t find the words here .... Sometimes one can’t help, or can’t stave the flow of love and affections they feel for another – even when that “other” is less than perfect or whole. I certainly didn’t know about the extent of Paul’s challenges – and while perhaps a “better” mother would have kept such matters to herself – I’ve always been open, honest, and up-front about what I’ve been dealing withgood times and bad included. This includes moments of frustration about living with Grandma and Grandpa – although I hope you know, underneath it all, I love them dearly, of course – and am grateful beyond description for the stability they’ve provided you and me – even though it’s been a framework I’ve often resisted and resented.
*** The guilt trip that ex is laying on you is not J's problem. Too much information. Maybe replace the paragraph with "There may have been times when I've told you a little more than you needed to know, if so, then I am sorry". That's all.
>
> It has cost a great deal ... personally ... to “give up my life” as I knew it – to surrender my music, my art, my social networks, etc. – being in this house .... When I was in therapy with Pam we often talked about it being a necessary sacrifice to provide the stability I best needed for you. And that's the truth. We would not have had such a stable life, had I been struggling along on my own.
*** He knows that you gave up a lot for him. I'm afraid this paragraph will make him feel guilty.

>
> I’m just sorry that “stability” came with such a price.
>
> I am not a perfect mother by any means. I’m an old soul, an imperfect being, and a woman who bears the guilt that only a mother can know. I’ve tried to do the best I could for you – although I’ve been aware for a long time, that somewhere along the line your feelings for me changed from affection to resentment. That said, I didn’t feel it was my place to “pour out your water,” or take it away. I didn’t feel I had that right. I don’t feel I embody that parental role any more for you .... I just didn’t know what to do – but leaving matters in your own hands (with that caution to be smart) seemed the best choice at the time.
*** Has he told you that he resents you? You are his mother, period. You have all the rights and responsibilities a mother has. None of us are perfect. Almost all of us do the best we can. Do NOT abdicate your role as mother. I think that you are feeling negatively about yourself. I would scratch the paragraph.
>
> Daddy is furious, of course. I’ve set a bad precedent. I’ve modeled poor choices in my relationship with Paul. “How is he supposed to know how to make good choices in life when you’ve modeled so many stupid mistakes? He needs a mother he can look up to ....” I’ve probably shared too much with you of a personal nature .... I suppose that’s something of what you meant when you said the afternoon of your dental appointment, “nobody talks with their mothers the way you talk with me.” Frankly, I’m not quite sure what you meant – but I just wish to reiterate – I’m sorry beyond all description for all the stupid, inept, inappropriate things I’ve said and done, and for any and every way I’ve failed you. I think I’ve said this already, but I did the best I could – and believe me, there is noone who knows more than myself, how short that “best” sometimes fell.
*** This is a paragraph where you beat yourself up. Don't do that. He doesn't need to know all of the ways that you feel bad. You might want to put the "nobody talks with their mothers the way you talk with me" in the paragraph that used to start "Daddy is laying". When he said that,was he thinking that it was a good thing, or a bad thing?
>
> I hope you will remember the good times, though. The words we’ve added to the lexicon of our language. The laughter. The road trips. (The fun ones that is ... if you have any remembrances of fun ones.) Our love of animals. Our rocks (remember “Smoothie?”). The piggies.
>
> Be careful with the things you tell yourself about the life you’ve led until now. I was trying to touch on that in my earlier email. We can “rescript” things you know. The mind is a powerful vehicle, and a very useful tool. We can rescript things to accent the positive .... The stories we tell ourselves, they’re very powerful, J. They have the power to shape our attitudes, ideas, beliefs, experiences, and so on. Make sure the stories you tell yourself about who you are and where you came from – that they serve you well.
>
> In other words, try to look at the glass half full, as opposed to half empty. You can do it, and you must, if you wish to be a success. You are not coming from a place of lack, but a place of abundance – experiences that shaped you into an incredible scholar – and, hopefully ... presumably ... experiences that will stand you in good stead for the myriad challenges that come ahead (and believe me, there will be many).
>
> I made a mistake on the Serenity Prayer in my last email. The first line is“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ....” You can’t change the many ways you may feel that I’ve failed you ... or that your dad has failed you ... or the fact that Ali’s and your time together (at least for the time being) has come to a close. But you DO have the power to change things within your own reach. To dig deep and find the courage (and the growing wisdom) to change the things you can.
*** Has he told you that he thinks you failed him? If not, then I wouldn't mention it.
>
> You can choose to be a success.
>
> You can choose not to be wounded.
*** The others are positively stated. This one is negatively stated.
>
> You can choose to grow in the ways of wisdom.
>
> You can create your own destiny by the very powerful images, ideas, and beliefs that you wish to manifest.
>
> All of this leads up to my cautioning you that your dad is WAY flipped out about things. He’s talking about flying out to California to talk with you, and he feels that you need counseling, etc. etc. etc., immediately, and wants to get something set up right away with student health services.
*** Did your ex ask you to tell him this? This paragraph is a bit derogitory towards your ex. I try really hard to be factual when talking to my kids about my ex (like you were in one of the earlier paragraphs). J needs to feel that he can love both of you.
>
> Just be prepared for his call.
>
> My opinion is – that you’re quite smart, quite capable, that you’re on your own .... That kids experiment. Kids make mistakes .... and judging from how well you’ve done with shaping your future – you should do equally well with shaping how things continue to unfold. Still, I wanted to give you a “heads up.”
*** This almost says that you want to give him your argument, so that when his dad calls J will know what to say. You can put this info earlier. But putting it here almost implies that if J is going to side with you he needs to use your argument. Otherwise J is siding with his dad. J shouldn't have to side with anyone (except himself).
>
> And, again, I wish to apologize for every stupid, inadequate, and/or just plain wrong thing I’ve done as a parent and as a human being. I’ve said it already, but I am well aware of my imperfections. I am ever working to improve myself – even though you may not choose to see or believe that. This includes working to forgive myself (one of life’s greatest challenges), and to keep looking up, and moving forward myself. My childhood included rape, beatings, physical and emotional violence that has ever changed my emotional wiring – with the hypersensitivity to stress referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder. This is probably way more than you need to know – but when it comes to troubles .... Surviving troubles, and working to come out on the other side of the box – not as a victim – but as a well-meaning, contributing member of society – I’ve walked a challenging path, and it’s not over yet. I know you have an equally tough road ahead of you. (And I know you’ve got what it takes to meet whatever challenges lie ahead.)
*** Toooooo much. I think you could remove the whole thing???
>
> I realize I don’t talk to you as “other mothers talk to their children,” and I can’t help it. One of my child-psych professors once said, “Since when do we prepare children for life by protecting them from the truth?”, and I guess that’s kind of become kind of a code that I live by.
>
> I’m sorry if it’s hurt you. Please know, despite our ups and downs, I have always loved you fiercely, and I always will. Like it or not, I’m in your corner, and if that means you wish for me to bow out for awhile, I will do so – but I will never stop loving you. And I’ll never stop worrying and wondering what I might have done (or might still do) that will make things better.
*** You can never stop being his mom, so don't offer to. And stop apologizing!!!!! You can't have been so awful as you are sounding.
>
> I hope the talk with your dad goes well. I feel he’s overreacting, but perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps you want more of a parent who shows their love and caring by the rules they lay down. Perhaps I’ve also failed you in that regard, but if you want help in getting your dad to back off a bit, I will endeavor to be of assistance. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than having a parent fly out the first week of school to haul their child off for counseling. If I can be of help in any way, let me know. If you want me to back off, let me know that, too.
*** This is putting down his dad. All you can do is tell him your side. Then he hears his dad's side from his dad. Then *J* makes his decision on how he will proceed. Don't apologize. You love him and did the best you could. He wouldn't ask for more than that.
>
> Bye for now.
>
> Be well
> Be blessed
> Be loved
>
> You are such an important person, have such important gifts to share with the world -- and being your mother has been the most important and valuable gift I've ever known.
>
> Take good care.
>
> Mom

 

Re: Read before preceeding post...Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 12:39:26

In reply to Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 12:28:17

Hi Temmie,

I am pretty unsure of the comments that I made in my last post. They *are* what I think, but that doesn't mean that they are right for you (or anybody else). I would feel better about them if my parents and their affections for me were normal (but they didn't give me a good example to follow). So how am I supposed to know what good interactions are between parents and children? The only thing that I really do know is that J needs to feel free to love both of you without rejecting either of you.

So, if you don't like my comments, could you forget that I sent them?

 

(((Dear Fallsfall!!!)))

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 12:41:11

In reply to Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 12:28:17

You are such a smart woman. Are you a writer, techer, or editor? Good Heavens, I wish I had posted this letter before pushing the "send" button. I understand what you were saying, and needed that kind of guidance. Unfortunately .... (I hit the send button).

Oh well.

Thank you sooooo much for taking such time to go through each paragraph. I will certainly enlist your editorial assistance before I attempt any such correspondence in the future.

I wish I could hit the "rewind key."

Again, many, many thanks -- endless thanks for your time, care, and wisdom.

Temmie

 

(((Dear Dena!!!)))

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 12:51:23

In reply to Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie, posted by Dena on August 28, 2003, at 12:19:34

I am smiling to myself now, as I noticed Fallsfall's recommendation that I read her response first (then yours). Of course, always a bit impulsive, I didn't see this until after the fact.

Oh well!

I thank you two women for being in my life. Dena, you provide the comfort my wounded heart desires -- and Fallsfall provides the reality (and yes, there's comfort in this, too!). I think people with boundary issues, or myself anyhow, continually struggle with where to draw the line. What to divulge, what to keep secret (or just give up to God!). I am grateful for the great healing, comfort, and understanding I found in your words, Dena. I guess for myself, parenting -- good parenting -- continues to be an occasional one step forward, two steps back -- but given that analysis, I will work extra hard to be kind to myself today; and, as you suggested, to pray that I be open to God's mercy and blessings.

Bless you.

I hope we can all meet one day -- if not here -- when the veils of illusion are removed, and we're all celebrating a glorious homecoming in the unseen realms.

Until then, thank you Dena (and again, Dr. Bob my humblest thanks for this forum), thank you Fallsfall and other readers ... for pouring so much love and attention into the sometimes happy/sometimes sad lives of those seeking and sharing encouragement with one another.

Shalom!

Temmie

 

Editorial comments just fine! » fallsfall

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 13:06:41

In reply to Re: Read before preceeding post...Temmie, posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 12:39:26

Fallsfall, I have worked as a writer, editor, and am currently teaching third grade language arts -- but good Lord! I need help with things I write impulsively, and I knew I should have given this letter a 24-hour cooling off period so I could see things/read things more objectively. Your comments weren't out-of-line at all. A little embarrassing, but that's only because they had the ring of truth to them (and I knew my letter was too emotional to be objective and fair). In fact, I was quite alarmed that I'd sent it, which was why I posted it here to get feedback ....

Not to worry! Your comments spoke of your wisdom and experience, and wisdom and experience is what I'm seeking!

Can I be mushy? I love you, and I love Dena. Or the spirit in my heart is sending love and appreciation both for the two of you.

I am so grateful to have such caring, wise women in my life!!!

That said, I called J's school this morning to get his phone number, and ended up talking with him. I told him there was a long (uncomfortable pause), serious email waiting for him. (More silence.) I've been reflecting this morning -- talker that I am -- I've raised a boy who I'm only now coming to understand isn't comfortable talking about personal things .... So I'm sure the letter will be a shock. In fact, he's perhaps so sick of me, that he won't even read it all.

One can hope.

I have not been a very good person in terms of helping J feel he had equal footing in the necessary (in second language learners, we call it "code switching) between "Daddy's" house and mine. We are too such different people, it's hard to imagine our being together long enough to produce this child! Anyhow, I think your remarks -- especially your remarks about the careful dance one must do in not forcing the child to "take sides" was most important for me to hear.

In fact, if you have any suggestions how I follow this email with a brief apology, I'd be most appreciative.

(Or perhaps it's better to let thing go.)

Sigh. I guess I'll be J's mom forever, and there's plenty of time and opportunity for hammering out that path toward perfection ....

Much, much love!

Temmie

 

Re: Editorial comments just fine! » Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 14:29:57

In reply to Editorial comments just fine! » fallsfall, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 13:06:41

Temmie,

You are such a sweet person, and J is lucky to have you for his mother.

The letter will be fine. It says a little more than I might say, but it is written from your heart and it is all true (except about you being a lousy mother...). J will know that you love him and that you have done your best. I think that those are the important parts.

I have done a bit of editing for work (Software Engineering). My first boss after college taught me to write and edit - incredibly valuable! I would be happy to review stuff for you - but I am brutal.

Can I ask if J has actually told you that he is unhappy with you? Keep in mind that most teenagers have a certain amount of rebellion, and sometimes that is necessary for them to separate from the parents they love. I guess I'm not clear if he really hates you, or if he's being a teenager, or if you are assuming that he hates you (because you aren't so pleased with yourself so why should he be)?

The only thing I would think you might want to send as a follow up is an email that VERY briefly summarizes the important points:

1. You think he is capable of making good decisions
2. Dad was upset about the vodka
3. If he feels depressed he should seek help
4. You love him and have always done the best you could for him

Maybe not in that order? 9 sentances max (including one that says that this email states the most important points from the long email).

Reasons to do that: If he didn't read the first, maybe he'll read this one. You get a chance to emphasize what you want to (which ends up deemphasizing the rest).

Or just let it go.

So, how is J doing? Does he like his roommate? Does he like his classes? Has he joined any clubs or teams? How is the food?

 

Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie

Posted by galkeepinon on August 28, 2003, at 16:19:01

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not a mom, but this was intense! As I read it, I got goosebumps and wanted to reply. I think this is awesopme-I wish my mother could have written something like this for me when I went off to college, however I'm waiting for my father to write a letter like this to me at this moment. But ya know-it's ok. I don't blame my paremts anymore-I really don't. I'm an adult. You stated what someone told you>>>>“Since when do we prepare children for life by protecting them from the truth?”My whole life our family has always had secrets-*sigh* I am just numb-not bummed-this post was really good and I thank you for sharing it. I wish I was a mom and could give you advice and so forth, but I am unable to, as I can only imagine what it's like to be a mother.
++++It sounds like you are a great mother simply by emailing this to your son! And about being a failure or feeling like a failure-this I do know, we ALL do the best we can with what we have at the time-mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, etc. As if we could do any better.
Take Care:-)

, Dear Moms and Dads. Dear friends on Psycho-Social Babble. I am having ... lots of guilt and concern today about my role as a parent. Primarily, my feelings of failure .... I discovered a 10-ounce water bottle of straight vodka when I unpacked my son's bags in his dorm room (3000+ miles away in California), and elected to leave it with him -- rather than pour it out.
>
> I've also found some correspondence in his room that details depression ... especially depression related to the loss of his girlfriend (now attending college on the east coast). Raising J in my parents' home has been a mixed bag. I was going to say mixed-blessing, but that didn't feel right. We're in the epicenter of the family abuse that seemed to focus on me .... I've had my issues. I haven't always done the best job, apparently. Who can? Is there anyone who gets through parenting feeling good about what they've done? Sigh. Not me. J is a National Merit Scholar and received a $36,000 to attend this school in the west .... His (basically absent since J's birth) father is furious with me, and feels the vodka was a "cry for help," which I blew. He's out and out detailed my many failures -- including my candor with J about events in my personal life ....
>
> Where does one draw the line? What to tell. What to keep private? Apparently I never knew (and still struggle with this issue). If you have time, would you please read the following letter I wrote J and let me know if what I've said sounds as though it's coming from the heart -- which was my intent -- or just too much information?
>
> Feeling lost and alone. Much obliged for your help.
>
> Temmie
>
> * * * * *
>
> Dear J,
>
> This is not the kind of letter that should come via email, but I wanted to talk with you right away, and this seemed the most expedient method. Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I walked outside to look at Mars tonight, and it’s so exciting! I bet you had a terrific view of the stars from up in the mountains, and hear there will be a Mars Party or two sometime this week. I hope you’ll be able to attend. I hope that you’re enjoying yourself. I hope you’re settling in okay. I hope everything is going just as you should, and that your experiencing all the freedom and fun you've long desired and deserved.
>
> I talked with your dad about your bottled water, and he was very upset with me that I didn’t take a stronger stance. My view is that you’re an adult now. If you’re old enough to get drafted (and old enough to move away from home as an independent), you’re old enough to make your own best choices – and come what may, should things go awry -- to deal with whatever consequences come your way. As I said at our partingmake good choices.
>
> Just make good choices.
>
> While I understand adolescence involves a fair degree of experimentation that all of us have lived through, I’m somewhat concerned – especially given my experience with those who have trouble “feeling their feelings” and instead, who grease the wheels with things that make them feel a little better. I realize parting with Ali was perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to go through, and while my heart breaks for you – I also believe in my heart of hearts – that life has beautiful things in store for you. Just keep looking up. Keep moving forward. Keep turning inward for the strength, guidance and courage you need when things seem more than you can bear.
>
> That said, I’m also well aware that depression runs in the family. I’ve told you before, and will say it again – if you get to a point where things just don’t seem to be working for you – talk with me – or talk with whomever you trust most, and find your way to a health care provider who can be of assistance ....
>
> Daddy is laying a big guilt trip on me for being a bad mother. For not setting a better example. For the candor I’ve shared with you in my struggles with Paul .... One can’t help ... I can’t find the words here .... Sometimes one can’t help, or can’t stave the flow of love and affections they feel for another – even when that “other” is less than perfect or whole. I certainly didn’t know about the extent of Paul’s challenges – and while perhaps a “better” mother would have kept such matters to herself – I’ve always been open, honest, and up-front about what I’ve been dealing withgood times and bad included. This includes moments of frustration about living with Grandma and Grandpa – although I hope you know, underneath it all, I love them dearly, of course – and am grateful beyond description for the stability they’ve provided you and me – even though it’s been a framework I’ve often resisted and resented.
>
> It has cost a great deal ... personally ... to “give up my life” as I knew it – to surrender my music, my art, my social networks, etc. – being in this house .... When I was in therapy with Pam we often talked about it being a necessary sacrifice to provide the stability I best needed for you. And that's the truth. We would not have had such a stable life, had I been struggling along on my own.
>
> I’m just sorry that “stability” came with such a price.
>
> I am not a perfect mother by any means. I’m an old soul, an imperfect being, and a woman who bears the guilt that only a mother can know. I’ve tried to do the best I could for you – although I’ve been aware for a long time, that somewhere along the line your feelings for me changed from affection to resentment. That said, I didn’t feel it was my place to “pour out your water,” or take it away. I didn’t feel I had that right. I don’t feel I embody that parental role any more for you .... I just didn’t know what to do – but leaving matters in your own hands (with that caution to be smart) seemed the best choice at the time.
>
> Daddy is furious, of course. I’ve set a bad precedent. I’ve modeled poor choices in my relationship with Paul. “How is he supposed to know how to make good choices in life when you’ve modeled so many stupid mistakes? He needs a mother he can look up to ....” I’ve probably shared too much with you of a personal nature .... I suppose that’s something of what you meant when you said the afternoon of your dental appointment, “nobody talks with their mothers the way you talk with me.” Frankly, I’m not quite sure what you meant – but I just wish to reiterate – I’m sorry beyond all description for all the stupid, inept, inappropriate things I’ve said and done, and for any and every way I’ve failed you. I think I’ve said this already, but I did the best I could – and believe me, there is noone who knows more than myself, how short that “best” sometimes fell.
>
> I hope you will remember the good times, though. The words we’ve added to the lexicon of our language. The laughter. The road trips. (The fun ones that is ... if you have any remembrances of fun ones.) Our love of animals. Our rocks (remember “Smoothie?”). The piggies.
>
> Be careful with the things you tell yourself about the life you’ve led until now. I was trying to touch on that in my earlier email. We can “rescript” things you know. The mind is a powerful vehicle, and a very useful tool. We can rescript things to accent the positive .... The stories we tell ourselves, they’re very powerful, J. They have the power to shape our attitudes, ideas, beliefs, experiences, and so on. Make sure the stories you tell yourself about who you are and where you came from – that they serve you well.
>
> In other words, try to look at the glass half full, as opposed to half empty. You can do it, and you must, if you wish to be a success. You are not coming from a place of lack, but a place of abundance – experiences that shaped you into an incredible scholar – and, hopefully ... presumably ... experiences that will stand you in good stead for the myriad challenges that come ahead (and believe me, there will be many).
>
> I made a mistake on the Serenity Prayer in my last email. The first line is“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ....” You can’t change the many ways you may feel that I’ve failed you ... or that your dad has failed you ... or the fact that Ali’s and your time together (at least for the time being) has come to a close. But you DO have the power to change things within your own reach. To dig deep and find the courage (and the growing wisdom) to change the things you can.
>
> You can choose to be a success.
>
> You can choose not to be wounded.
>
> You can choose to grow in the ways of wisdom.
>
> You can create your own destiny by the very powerful images, ideas, and beliefs that you wish to manifest.
>
> All of this leads up to my cautioning you that your dad is WAY flipped out about things. He’s talking about flying out to California to talk with you, and he feels that you need counseling, etc. etc. etc., immediately, and wants to get something set up right away with student health services.
>
> Just be prepared for his call.
>
> My opinion is – that you’re quite smart, quite capable, that you’re on your own .... That kids experiment. Kids make mistakes .... and judging from how well you’ve done with shaping your future – you should do equally well with shaping how things continue to unfold. Still, I wanted to give you a “heads up.”
>
> And, again, I wish to apologize for every stupid, inadequate, and/or just plain wrong thing I’ve done as a parent and as a human being. I’ve said it already, but I am well aware of my imperfections. I am ever working to improve myself – even though you may not choose to see or believe that. This includes working to forgive myself (one of life’s greatest challenges), and to keep looking up, and moving forward myself. My childhood included rape, beatings, physical and emotional violence that has ever changed my emotional wiring – with the hypersensitivity to stress referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder. This is probably way more than you need to know – but when it comes to troubles .... Surviving troubles, and working to come out on the other side of the box – not as a victim – but as a well-meaning, contributing member of society – I’ve walked a challenging path, and it’s not over yet. I know you have an equally tough road ahead of you. (And I know you’ve got what it takes to meet whatever challenges lie ahead.)
>
> I realize I don’t talk to you as “other mothers talk to their children,” and I can’t help it. One of my child-psych professors once said, “Since when do we prepare children for life by protecting them from the truth?”, and I guess that’s kind of become kind of a code that I live by.
>
> I’m sorry if it’s hurt you. Please know, despite our ups and downs, I have always loved you fiercely, and I always will. Like it or not, I’m in your corner, and if that means you wish for me to bow out for awhile, I will do so – but I will never stop loving you. And I’ll never stop worrying and wondering what I might have done (or might still do) that will make things better.
>
> I hope the talk with your dad goes well. I feel he’s overreacting, but perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps you want more of a parent who shows their love and caring by the rules they lay down. Perhaps I’ve also failed you in that regard, but if you want help in getting your dad to back off a bit, I will endeavor to be of assistance. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than having a parent fly out the first week of school to haul their child off for counseling. If I can be of help in any way, let me know. If you want me to back off, let me know that, too.
>
> Bye for now.
>
> Be well
> Be blessed
> Be loved
>
> You are such an important person, have such important gifts to share with the world -- and being your mother has been the most important and valuable gift I've ever known.
>
> Take good care.
>
> Mom

 

Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon!

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 19:05:45

In reply to Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long) » Temmie, posted by galkeepinon on August 28, 2003, at 16:19:01

In alphabetical order .... Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon! My goodness, maybe I need to move back to Psycho-Babble Faith now – I feel so blessed to have enjoyed your company today, and the kind words of wisdom (and wise words of kindness) you’ve all shared.

Wowie!

Good news. I heard from J (by phone). He was excited to tell me about his trip through the Mojave desert, past Joshua’s Tree, etc. etc., views of Mount Whitney, etc., and the adventures of his climb (with the small group he was with) up above the clouds, some 13-14 thousand feet somewhere in the High Sierras. He made some good friends. In fact, he said that more than once. All of these new friends are from the Bay Area, Oregon, or wherever – so he’s happy to have made connections with people who know the west coast. They’re trying to organize a trip to San Diego and Mexico for Sunday .... He sounded so happy!

I asked if he’d read my email(s), and he said yes, but that first he wanted to tell me more about Black Lake, glacial wonders, the unbelievable blue of the sky, etc., and – then – I can’t believe this, but he asked if I’d help calm his dad down, and also said, “Daddy didn’t even have a hand in raising me. He’s clueless. He doesn’t listen, and I don’t have time to talk with him if he’s planning a long, detailed rampage that has nothing to do with reality.”

“This is college,” he went on. “It’s not like you think .... Does he think I’m manic-depressive or something? I’m fine. I’m fine and I’m busy with orientation meetings, placement exams, meetings with advisors, etc. Just, please, if you can, try to get him to calm down.”

Fallsfall, I made some very eloquent apologies about inappropriate things I said, and told him I didn’t have a right to ... how did I put it .... say things that were “untoward” about his dad. That I knew he loved us both, and ... on and on and on. And, yes, I said I would try to let Tim know that J was doing just fine, to assuage some of his fears.

I am so relieved. And I am so grateful – to all of you – for sharing so much of your heart, words, wisdom, wit and time.

Thank you and bless you all. I am sending big (((hugs))) to each of you!

Much love,

Temmie

Oh, P.S. – In answer to your questions, J hasn’t told me he hates me, or that he resents me .... But he’s certainly done his share of rolling his eyes, raising his voice in response to simple questions, and arguing his counter points when I’ve broached the subject of curfews, etc. Coming in at 3:30 a.m.? I just thought that was a bit much for an 18-year old. Oh well. And, yes, my letter was too self-deprecating. Darn it! We are all so hard on ourselves – or perhaps I’d best speak for myself. I’m too hard on myself, and didn’t do either of us any justice in taking such a “woe is me, I’m a failure” point of view.

This was a good experience for me ... a good reminder to write from the heart – but then to give myself the necessary cooling-off period before rereading/rethinking things I’ve said. And, believe me – when I need help in the future – Fallsfall, I’m going to track you down!

Galkeepinon. I am speechless. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that letter from your dad is forthcoming - and close with the love of a mother, a sister and a friend.

Dena - I'm anxious to reconnect with how you're doing. You, too, Fallsfall. It's such a bummer that I continue to have these computer problems at home. I went to microsoft.update last night (or whatever it's called), and updated lots of stuff that needed tending to, but, alas -- I'm still stuck at August 10th (unless reading/writing from the public library). I will have to visit there toon -- in the meantime -- if each of you would direct me to things you've posted that I need catching up on -- please do so. I'll be along shortly ....

That’s all for now. The wind is rattling the leaves out back, and I promised I would go for some “reconnecting with nature” time today. Please take some time to go outside tonight and look at Mars! I was out as early as 10 p.m. central time, and could clearly see “his” shining brightness and glory in the southeast part of the sky.

Again, here’s closing with love and blessings for all of you.

T.

 

Re: Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon! » Temmie

Posted by Dena on August 28, 2003, at 19:32:17

In reply to Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon!, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 19:05:45

Dearest (((Temmie))),

I'm so happy that you've had a good connection with J! He's sprouting his wings & trying to fly - he'll fall a few times, but he'll get back up. He's learned some lessons in strength from his tenacious Mama!

You asked how I am - you wouldn't believe how many people ask me that question per day - & I wish there were a word in the English language (or any language!) to describe how one feels for the first two weeks after losing a baby...

I feel stronger. I feel carried. I feel lifted up. I feel sheltered. I feel as if I'm re-awakening. When I look in the mirror, I don't see dead eyes looking back at me anymore. I followed my earlier advice to you & wore a frilly, lacy, feminine skirt today - just to the grocery store! Why not? I mean, my people gots to eat! I felt alive & connected with others. I believe I've come to a place of acceptance in this grieving process. It's sooner than I thought it would come, but I welcome it. I would also welcome any more waves of grief. After two decades of living as a numbed-out zombie, I welcome ANY emotion - even pain.

But, back to YOU - I think I saw you grow a couple of inches in maturity through this process with your son. Just as you grew some (not gruesome, LOL!) through your trauma with Paul. I love your transparency in sharing yourself with others - I wish you were my next-door-neighbor (do you like yard sales & flea markets?). We could put wild flowers in our hair, & flounce about town in our prettiest skirts!

I like riding roller coasters with you - especially when they're UP! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Shalom, Dena

P.S. See you back on Psycho-Babble Faith...

 

Re: Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon! » Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 21:21:40

In reply to Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon!, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 19:05:45

How wonderful Temmie!

It sounds like he is settling in just fine. Having some adventures. Getting things set up for the school part of school. It sounds like he was so excited to share his news with you - like it isn't finished until Mom knows about it. And he said that you raised him. That you are the one who knows him. That means to me that you have been a very good Mom. What he said to you is about as mushy as an 18 year old boy will get (if my son is any indication). He loves you very much. He won't let you down - he will live up to your expectation that he will make good choices. Make sure that you remember this, because the time will come when you think that you have blown the whole thing - but you haven't. You have a kid to be proud of. And he has a Mom to be proud of.

I'm so happy for you

P.S. When I was 17 there was one night that I didn't come home until 5AM (we had fallen asleep). But I think I turned out OK. He will, too.

 

Dear Ones » fallsfall

Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 22:02:53

In reply to Re: Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon! » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2003, at 21:21:40

You know who you are ....

Yes, I will ever remember this night ... this day ... when J said to me, "he didn't have anything to do with raising me," and even though it wasn't framed perhaps as artfully as "YOU had everything to do with raising me," that's the way I took it of course.

August 28th, 2003.

It was the highest form of compliment that he would call to share details of his trip with me. Yes. As though it weren't complete until he had told his mother all the wonders (which he didn't do, by the way, after a 3-week trip to western Europe -- nor did he call, btw, ouch!)

That was a few years ago, when J was perhaps experiencing his first foray into independence and "life without mom." How nice, today, as an 18 year old, he feels comfortable enough to touch base again, and share things of natural beauty that moved his soul.

I'm honored to have shared this experience with such remarkable and brilliant women. Let's all put flowers in our hair, find something frilly, put on some big smiles and go out dancing. One of my favorite musician/comics is coming to my hometown September 6th, and I have an invitation to attend his show for free with nine of my favorite friends.

How I wish you could join me.

Much, much love. I'll see you back on Psycho-Babble Faith.

I love my friends,

Temmie

 

AWESOME Temmie!!!! :-) :-) » Temmie

Posted by galkeepinon on August 29, 2003, at 1:23:17

In reply to Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon!, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 19:05:45

So glad to hear-it sounds like everything worked out quite well!!!! I went to school in California:-) Which great university did he end up at-if you don't mind me asking?
This is great, and you sound very pleased and I am happy for you!!!!Hope it all continues:-)
God Bless!!!!

> In alphabetical order .... Dena! Fallsfall! Galkeepinon! My goodness, maybe I need to move back to Psycho-Babble Faith now – I feel so blessed to have enjoyed your company today, and the kind words of wisdom (and wise words of kindness) you’ve all shared.
>
> Wowie!
>
> Good news. I heard from J (by phone). He was excited to tell me about his trip through the Mojave desert, past Joshua’s Tree, etc. etc., views of Mount Whitney, etc., and the adventures of his climb (with the small group he was with) up above the clouds, some 13-14 thousand feet somewhere in the High Sierras. He made some good friends. In fact, he said that more than once. All of these new friends are from the Bay Area, Oregon, or wherever – so he’s happy to have made connections with people who know the west coast. They’re trying to organize a trip to San Diego and Mexico for Sunday .... He sounded so happy!
>
> I asked if he’d read my email(s), and he said yes, but that first he wanted to tell me more about Black Lake, glacial wonders, the unbelievable blue of the sky, etc., and – then – I can’t believe this, but he asked if I’d help calm his dad down, and also said, “Daddy didn’t even have a hand in raising me. He’s clueless. He doesn’t listen, and I don’t have time to talk with him if he’s planning a long, detailed rampage that has nothing to do with reality.”
>
> “This is college,” he went on. “It’s not like you think .... Does he think I’m manic-depressive or something? I’m fine. I’m fine and I’m busy with orientation meetings, placement exams, meetings with advisors, etc. Just, please, if you can, try to get him to calm down.”
>
> Fallsfall, I made some very eloquent apologies about inappropriate things I said, and told him I didn’t have a right to ... how did I put it .... say things that were “untoward” about his dad. That I knew he loved us both, and ... on and on and on. And, yes, I said I would try to let Tim know that J was doing just fine, to assuage some of his fears.
>
> I am so relieved. And I am so grateful – to all of you – for sharing so much of your heart, words, wisdom, wit and time.
>
> Thank you and bless you all. I am sending big (((hugs))) to each of you!
>
> Much love,
>
> Temmie
>
> Oh, P.S. – In answer to your questions, J hasn’t told me he hates me, or that he resents me .... But he’s certainly done his share of rolling his eyes, raising his voice in response to simple questions, and arguing his counter points when I’ve broached the subject of curfews, etc. Coming in at 3:30 a.m.? I just thought that was a bit much for an 18-year old. Oh well. And, yes, my letter was too self-deprecating. Darn it! We are all so hard on ourselves – or perhaps I’d best speak for myself. I’m too hard on myself, and didn’t do either of us any justice in taking such a “woe is me, I’m a failure” point of view.
>
> This was a good experience for me ... a good reminder to write from the heart – but then to give myself the necessary cooling-off period before rereading/rethinking things I’ve said. And, believe me – when I need help in the future – Fallsfall, I’m going to track you down!
>
> Galkeepinon. I am speechless. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that letter from your dad is forthcoming - and close with the love of a mother, a sister and a friend.
>
> Dena - I'm anxious to reconnect with how you're doing. You, too, Fallsfall. It's such a bummer that I continue to have these computer problems at home. I went to microsoft.update last night (or whatever it's called), and updated lots of stuff that needed tending to, but, alas -- I'm still stuck at August 10th (unless reading/writing from the public library). I will have to visit there toon -- in the meantime -- if each of you would direct me to things you've posted that I need catching up on -- please do so. I'll be along shortly ....
>
> That’s all for now. The wind is rattling the leaves out back, and I promised I would go for some “reconnecting with nature” time today. Please take some time to go outside tonight and look at Mars! I was out as early as 10 p.m. central time, and could clearly see “his” shining brightness and glory in the southeast part of the sky.
>
> Again, here’s closing with love and blessings for all of you.
>
> T.

 

I sure could use some dancing about now LOL;) (nm) » Temmie

Posted by galkeepinon on August 29, 2003, at 1:24:39

In reply to Dear Ones » fallsfall, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 22:02:53

 

Re: AWESOME Temmie!!!! :-) :-) » galkeepinon

Posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 6:13:18

In reply to AWESOME Temmie!!!! :-) :-) » Temmie, posted by galkeepinon on August 29, 2003, at 1:23:17

He's at Pomona, with the Claremont Colleges Group. About 36 miles east of L.A., at the base of the San Gabriel mountains. Beautiful.

Love to you today! Temmie

 

And I Could Use a Wee More Sleep! More Soon. (nm) » galkeepinon

Posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 6:15:02

In reply to I sure could use some dancing about now LOL;) (nm) » Temmie, posted by galkeepinon on August 29, 2003, at 1:24:39

 

re: Letter to Son :: EXCELLENT !!! And Beautiful ! » Temmie

Posted by lil' jimi on August 29, 2003, at 9:47:23

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

just like you Temmie!
You are an excellent and beautiful parent!
GOOD MOM!

your letter is an exquisitely eloquent confirmation of your deep affection, compassion, caring concern for your "little" boy, who has turned into a man on you .... ... simply beautiful ... it is so clear in your writing that you love him so very very much ... glorious!

our one and only is only 4 & 3/4 years old now ... ... yet we too must prepare for that "someday" when he too shall leave to be his own person and we will have to let him go ... ... a year from now he will go to kindergarten ... ... we ARE NOT READY !!!

he has been invited to his friend's house for a sleep over on sunday ... ... we are very close to his friend's mom ... ... but we don't WANT to let him go !!

if we are not handling the separation anxieties now, how will we do this when he is grown ? ... ... (i kiss him about a million times a day!)

i would have prayed for a loving parent who would have bravely shown me the truth about their feelings and honestly treated me like an adult once i was grown ... ... my parents still treated me like was 5, when i was fifty! ... ... rather like they thought "shielding" from what they imagined would "stress" me, was any substitute for an involved, proactive, intimate concern and respect for me as an indivdual and an adult ... ... my folks were very good, but they had their blind spots .. ... ..

temmie
you are as good parent!
i am proud to know you!

love,
~ jim

 

re: the outcome of Letter to your Son » Temmie

Posted by lil' jimi on August 29, 2003, at 11:26:42

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

.... and now that i've gotten to read the rest of your all's posts .... it is even better, because of the happy ending there ... !!

YEAH, for the Great Mommie !!!

(sorry, i have had to be so delayed in my replies ... ... challenges at work have intensified as i approach retirement here ...)

take care, sweet mom and great parent!
~ jim

 

Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long)

Posted by leeran on August 29, 2003, at 12:09:53

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

Just stopping in momentarily to make a quick comment.

Temmie, how could ANYONE question your parenting abilities after raising a son who is a National Merit Honor Society scholar with a $36,000 scholarship? I believe intelligence is largely determined by genetics, but providing an atmosphere wherein your son could thrive (yes, thrive) is living testament to your ability to not only parent your child - but love him on a day-in/day-out basis, regardless of the schoolyard scuffs, or the sick days, arguments, etc.

Sure, it's easy to swoop in and make judgements from the sidelines (which is where it sounds like his father has taken safe refuge all these years), but we all know that the real hard-core parenting is the day-to-day drudge that ultimately forms the backdrop of another human being's life.

You've done the best job you can and you should be commended - versus criticized - for the role you've played (and will continue to play) in your son's life.

I skimmed your post rather quickly and am responding before taking my husband to work - but let's face it . . . a lot of kids have experimented with drugs and alcohol at a much younger age than eighteen. Do I condone that? No, of course not - but it's reality. It was the reality when I was a teen back in the seventies (a rather straitlaced teen who was, nonetheless, exposed to marijuana by the age of fifteen) AND it's the reality today.

Regarding his depression . . . I am never one to minimize depression (especially after experiencing it myself), but I do think many teens have those desperate-feeling moments. I know I did - - - every breakup, brush-off, or heck, every blink from another human being in my peer group - could momentarily send me to the depths of despair.

Your son is going through so many transitions right now . . . remembering back, the same time in my life was one of the scariest, yet titillating eras in my forty four years on this spinning planet.

Please note - I'm no one to give advice . . . I've gone through my own personal hell with my #1 (and only) son here recently. That said, I just wanted to stop in and add my support as a mother who has rarely had an "angst-less," guilt-free moment since finding out I was pregnant sixteen years ago!

Perhaps your son's father should express his concerns directly to his son (again, loosely interpreted from my very quick scan of your post), instead of using you as a vessel to deflect his own inadequacy (was that uncivil? if the person doesn't post here . . . oh well, I've been on a self-imposed "distracted" ban for several months anyway - LOL!).

You are now in my thoughts and prayers . . .

Stay strong and positive for your son. Sounds like that's been the M.O. for the last eighteen years, and from my vantage point, it looks like it's worked.

Best,

Lee

 

Stop! Really! I Mean it!

Posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 20:31:28

In reply to Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:58:02

:-)

Laughing here ....

Remember my email from Mr. Exclamation Point!? Really! Stop it! You're killing me! Too much praise! Too much attention! Stop it now! (I mean it!)

* * * * *

Oh dear,

I'm home from a meeting over a glass of wine with a gentleman who responded to my personal ad -- and you know what? I'm going to pull that ad. I'm not looking for love at this point. If love is meant to find me .... Love will! Jim, you give me heart that there are still men out there ... of a certain age ... who sound just wild and charming! Oh, the gushing love for your little boy! What a lucky young man! (And what a lucky, loving couple of parents.)

All is well here. I am dazzled beyond description re. all the favorable remarks I've gotten about this letter -- which, as I reread -- impresses me as hastily penned with myriad mistakes, typos, included. Kind of kind of? Enough already!

Oh well.

I talked with J tonight, and for now -- things are exceptionally well. I promised that I wouldn't call him every day.

He laughed.

We're okay.

Thank God, we're okay.

I'm not going to say anymore on the subject, but I will post an email his Uncle Tom sent him. I thought this might be of special meaning for some of you (and Tom is a much better writer than myself).

Forgive my not getting back to all of you personally. I will do so soon. Until then .... Enough already!

I love you! I really mean it!

Temmie!

 

Uncle Tom Writes ...

Posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 20:37:48

In reply to Re: Letter to my Son - Help (long), posted by leeran on August 29, 2003, at 12:09:53

Hi J!

We are all very excited for you and for your ensuing adventure. I know that you'll do great in school, so this will be an excellent setting for you to grow and learn.

I dropped P off yesterday at the dorm ... it was easy and slick. He's rooming with a buddy from *** who's also pursuing engineering (nuclear rather than mechanical, though). Across the hall from P was a guy from *** that he knew from Middle School. It will be fun to see him grow also in his new surroundings.

As you know, I am very close to your mother and have always been willing to provide my advice and comments along the way. I hope that you will accept the same role from me as your "uncle" and that you will never hesitate to ask me for any information, help, or advice that I can give along the way.

Being a parent is an interesting role ... one that is enriching as it is also surprising. While we all may seem ancient and old to you, to varying degrees, it is important to realize that you are now a fully-empowered adult and that we all have memories that relate exactly to the stage of life that you are at. There may be roughly 30 years that separate us in age, but you need to know that I can remember how it was to be your age....without too much effort, I could "revert back" and live that life, too, as it is fun and exciting and invigorating.

I was saying to [spouse] something about how much fun it would be to be in college -- there are so many exciting things to do, so many interesting people to meet, so much knowledge to learn. If you fully knew the tremendous value of having the time to study and reflect, you would redouble your efforts (if that's possible) as the rest of us will never have awaiting us what is now ready to unfold for you.

College would be fun - but perhaps we have learned too much about the things that are particularly fun to do that it would be hard to actually get any work done. Fortunately, you learn things sequentially, and you grow in the same manner. You will learn and discover all of the many things (and many many more) that we have learned.

I recount all of this for a couple of reasons. First, as parenting is tough, it is even compounded moreso when you have a split home or other complicated relationships of the sort that Pat and I are having with our respective children and families and continuing commitments from the past. Your mother has done a tremendous job with you, and for you, and it may take you many years to fully appreciate all that has been given to you. The point is that you must be mindful of that commitment - learn from it and grow from it. The Biblical admonition about respecting your parents is true enough, but it is more enough for the relationship that you have with your mother. It is always that way. When grown men are dying in combat, it is there mother's love that they cry out for. This doesn't diminish or devalue the role of the father, certainly, but the point is that your mom (anyone's mom) is their only mom and that they gave much of thems! elves as they also gave birth to their child or children.

Relationships evolve -- they grow over time. They transition and change. But the thickness of blood --- and the strength of family ties -- is a bond that is so much stronger than any other force. This embodies the simple notion of love - unconditional acceptance and undying support. Lovers may leave you - they may break your heart - but your family remains. It is a source of strength and reassurance that you may not now see, but that you will increasingly see as you grow older and see it expressed back to you as support.

I know that the collegiate years are a time of liberation and maturation. I did many stupid things along the way ... we all have. The goal is to learn from other's mistakes without also replicating them yourself. When you do stumble, pick yourself off, dust off the dirt, see what you learned and MOVE forward. Don't fall backwards. Do not regress. Never surrender to forces that will hold you back, or that knock you down.

This is, in some ways, what I'll call the (state and family name) Tradition - a fulfillment of the state's motto "Forward!"

I hope you find some value in the perspectives I share, J. I know you'll do well, so just keep moving forward.

It will be nice to see you at XMas.

Take care,

Uncle Tom

Amat victoria curam - Victory favors those who take pains

 

Been there!!!!!!!! :-) :-) (nm) » Temmie

Posted by galkeepinon on August 30, 2003, at 4:49:36

In reply to Re: AWESOME Temmie!!!! :-) :-) » galkeepinon, posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 6:13:18

 

re: Uncle Tom Writes » Temmie

Posted by lil' jimi on August 30, 2003, at 9:57:34

In reply to Uncle Tom Writes ..., posted by Temmie on August 29, 2003, at 20:37:48

hi Temmie!

it is so great that your son has such a wonderful uncle in addition to a terrific mom!

i wish every young person had such loving concerned support! .... ... i wish i had had an uncle tom !!!

robert santiago is enjoying his saturday morning cartoons ... ... ... his mom has had to agree to let him sleep over at nathan's ... ... nathan's mom is sylvia's boss and she is determined santiago Will have a great sleep-over experience ... .... she is going to have him never want to leave because she wants to spoil him ... in a good way ... ... we can trust her ... she is a good friend and has 3 boys and a toddler daughter ... santiago will have a great time ... .
... ... and santiago's parents get a night alone ...

TAKE CARE !!!!
~ jim


p.s. ... but, shhhhhh, don't say anything ... (!)
... we haven't told santiago yet ... it's going to be a surprise ... his sleep-over will be sunday night ... mum's the word!


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