Psycho-Babble Social Thread 253410

Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

Spiraling downhill again last night and today after another argument with my roommate/best friend last night.

The short story: I got home from my pdoc appointment and there were two of her friends here and she made a comment about her sleep problems and her doc wanting her to take Ambien and I made the comment that after her first experience with Ambien (hallucinations), I was nervous about her taking it again, and then I started talking to one of her friends (someone she's just recently met) about my med trials and sleep meds and she was asking me questions and telling me about taking Zoloft and so on. Well, after my comment to the roommate about Ambien, she snapped back with "And you're not my medical doctor."

Okay - fine - once AGAIN I overstep my boundaries. Just can't learn to keep my friggin' mouth shut. I went to my room and she came up after her friends left and said "If you have a concern about something I'm taking, you need to talk to me about it in private. Also, I am not comfortable with you talking to my friends about your medication and depression."

And, as is par for the course, I ended up in tears and she told me how I misinterpret things she says and I'm not honest with her and so on, so I said, "Well, I feel like it's always my fault - everything that goes wrong between us is MY fault. I misinterpret. I misperceive. I say the wrong things, think the wrong things, do the wrong things." And she said she didn't feel that way, but continued to use the "You do this" language.

So, immediately, my thoughts turn to suicide and how the world would be better off without me. And how I wish I had all of my pills. Right now she's gone to a wedding and I'm sitting here alone posting and feeling nervous and frustrated and angry and sad. Really really sad. I am babysitting tonight, so that will take my mind off of things for a while (I love children), but that's only temporary.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know why I always seem to stick my foot in my mouth. Why I speak without thinking first. Or why when I do think before speaking, I still say the wrong things. Why I'm always hurting people. Why I'm unable to maintain friendships.

Obviously my desire to become a therapist is out the window, because who am I to be guiding other people in their lives? My perception of other people is obviously way off. I don't understand it.

I really hurt inside. And I hate myself.

I've paged my pdoc and am going to page him again when I finish posting.

Why am I so screwed up??????

P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by KellyD on August 23, 2003, at 15:49:02

In reply to Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

I don't think you do. You didn't say the wrong thing to me above. I loved someone else had the "dead, well, backside, complex", too. So, you don't "always" say the wrong things. In fact, I don't think you said anything really "wrong" in the situation you posted. Living with another is difficult, whether it's a lover, friend, anybody. You hang in there. Checking out - not a good plan at all. Things do get better, sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny

Posted by Dinah on August 23, 2003, at 17:20:57

In reply to Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

You don't always say the wrong things, Penny. I see you say the right things here all the time. Sometimes we all say things that other people don't like, either because they misunderstood us or because they just don't like what we've said. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you for it happening to you, because it happens to everyone. Unless of course you think of it as meaning there's something wrong with everyone, which is probably also quite true.

It sounds like you and your roomate are just suffering from a bit too much togetherness right now. Things will even out.

Now, all that sensible thought aside, I have the exact same reaction when someone I care about is mad at me. The same automatic thoughts. So I do understand. But I'm telling you the same things I tell myself in between the "OMG, So and so is mad at me the world is over my life will never be the same again."

Deep breaths, a warm bath, and whatever else makes you feel a bit better.

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny

Posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2003, at 22:17:40

In reply to Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

Penny,

>>I really don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know why I always seem to stick my foot in my mouth. Why I speak without thinking first. Or why when I do think before speaking, I still say the wrong things. Why I'm always hurting people. Why I'm unable to maintain friendships.

Like the others, I haven't seen you say the wrong thing here. I have, but I haven't seen you do it. But even if you could show me a place where you said something unfeeling, or inappropriate, I'm sure that you apologized for it later - and so it is OK.

You have written about this roommate and things being a bit tense. I don't recall you writing about anybody else. Have you? Above you say that you are always hurting people, and unable to maintain friendships. Do you have examples of this? Please note that one example in 9th grade isn't going to convince me that you are awful. How many friendships have you LOST?

Don't base your whole self view on your interactions with one person. And why would the WORLD be better off without you because your roommate is mad? I won't be better off without you.

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? fallsfall

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 1:10:28

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2003, at 22:17:40


> You have written about this roommate and things being a bit tense. I don't recall you writing about anybody else. Have you? Above you say that you are always hurting people, and unable to maintain friendships. Do you have examples of this? Please note that one example in 9th grade isn't going to convince me that you are awful. How many friendships have you LOST?

I had other friends in Charlotte, before I moved, all co-workers. But here I really only have my roommate. I mean, yesac and I have had coffee a couple of times, and I'm seeing a friend from college tomorrow who I haven't seen in two years, and I saw a friend from high school a couple of months ago, but most of my coworkers are older than I am and don't live around here, so no one to go do things with, and the friend I'm seeing tomorrow lives in Raleigh, which (with construction) is about a 45 minute drive for me. And I went out with this guy a few times recently, but that didn't work out.

I guess what I'm referring to is letting go of what friends I do have, by not staying in touch, not visiting, not calling, etc., and also feeling like the friends I'm around the most can't tolerate me.

It occurred to me after posting this afternoon that I'm really tired (again) of people worrying about me. And I guess as long as I'm honest with folks about how I'm feeling, they're going to worry. And the feeling I get from some people (i.e. my roommate and some family) is that they can't handle my issues (and I don't ask them to) and they are almost ashamed of my problems.

What I mean is that I'm very outspoken about my depression and medication and therapy, and if someone shows no interest I don't share my story with them. But I meet people all the time (including one of the girls who was visiting my roommate last night) who ask me questions and share their own experiences. The girl I was talking to was talking about her being on Zoloft and, as we started talking about sleep drugs, asked me what I was taking now, and I told her. Then my roommate tells me later that she would prefer I didn't discuss those things with her friends, that it makes them uncomfortable.

Which, in turn, makes me feel like she is really the one uncomfortable.

But then makes me question if I'm too outspoken - but I know that for me it makes me feel better when someone else knows what I am going through, and so many people have experience with mental illness and I do try to share my story so that they can either know they're not alone or can have a little more awareness of the reality of it. Perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut. But it's not like I go to her friends and say, "Yeah, I was just in the hospital and I take all this medication and don't you want to hear my life story???" I don't say anything unless the subject comes up, and then I share my story, if the person appears to want to hear it.

She certainly didn't have any problem telling people why I was in the hospital - including the girl who was taking care of my dogs who I didn't know very well at all. She could have said I was just in the hospital, but she told her why, and she told the neighbor why, and so on. So, I guess it's okay for her to tell people things about me, but it's not okay for me to tell people things about me. I don't really care who knows I was in the hospital - again, if everything else in my life is done in vain, maybe I can at least make someone realize they're not alone in this.

I don't know. I'm not thinking very clearly at the moment as I do need to get some rest. And I have a busy day tomorrow, which is good. But I didn't hear back from my pdoc tonight which bothers me.

Rambling here....

>
> Don't base your whole self view on your interactions with one person. And why would the WORLD be better off without you because your roommate is mad? I won't be better off without you.

Thank you, fallsfall. I appreciate that.

P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 1:15:30

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by Dinah on August 23, 2003, at 17:20:57

(((Dinah)))

Thank you. And we both need to remind ourselves often that a negative reaction of others to our actions/words/etc. is not a reflection of who we are as people. People are not 100% good or 100% bad, but we are all somewhere in between. I truly believe that.

Yet, I hate more than anything to feel like I've angered someone. And I do always blame myself.

I really need to go to bed.

Made $45 babysitting tonight for a 1 1/2 year old little angel. Rocked and sang him to sleep and that made my evening. Now if I can just get a few more babysitting clients, I'll be set.

Something about that baby-fix that keeps me going. Did make me miss the munchkins I used to nanny for. The little girl started kindergarten this year. They grow up so fast, and I miss them so much it hurts. Wish I could see them more often.

Rambling again...

Going to bed now.
P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 1:17:53

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by KellyD on August 23, 2003, at 15:49:02

Thanks Kelly. Yes, I do need to remind myself that life is full of hills and valleys and I might be in a low point right now but that doesn't mean it won't change. Of course, the little illogical voice in the back of my head is saying "Doesn't mean it will either." And I need to tell that little voice to keep its thoughts to itself.

Okay - really going to bed now. 2 a.m. my time, and I should have been asleep long ago.

Thanks again.
P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny

Posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 9:09:41

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? fallsfall, posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 1:10:28

Penny,

I hear two themes in your post: You need some local friends to do things with, and you need some people to share your depression with.

Local friends:

It sounds like you had friends before you moved, but now they are far away (so they are unlikely to go get an ice cream cone with you). Some of those friends you will want to keep, but many will need to fade away - just because it isn't practical to keep things up.

In particular, I have had work friends in the past who were VERY close, but when one of us changed jobs (even though we still lived in the same place) contact virtually stopped. I still will exchange an email once in a while with a few old work friends, but our relationship was based on day to day detailed contact. When that went away we really didn't have much to say to each other. I still cherish them as friends, and if I needed something I know that they would come through, but our worlds are different now - it just isn't the same.

Similarly, you may have other friends from Charlotte who you will lose contact with because it isn't practical to keep in touch. You may have a small collection that you can send email to and will see periodically. But these friends aren't going to fill the same need for you where you are as they did in Charlotte.

So I guess that letting go of many of these friends is inevitable with moving. The trick is to make new friends where you are. You fall into the same trap as I do where you have had a lot of work friends, so if your new job doesn't have appropriate people you have to look elsewhere. I think that making friends is really hard. I have found the best way for me is to get involved in an activity that I enjoy (for me, it is ice skating). That way you can meet people with similar interests. Go to lectures or concerts, take a class in stained glass or cake decorating (I did that one!), join a sports team, join a political campaign, go to the local park and talk to people who are walking their dogs. There are lots of choices (the hard part is getting the initiative up to do them!).

Talking about Depression:

I,like you, need to talk about my depression (why do you think I'm here?). I joined a Depression Support group that meets at the local hospital. Every week 8 - 10 of us get together and tell our triumphs and failures. It gives me a chance to share what's going on with me so I don't feel so alone. It lets me hear of other people's issues so I know that I'm not the only one with problems. I have the opportuntity to share some of the things I've learned in hopes of easing someone else's pain (like Babble does). It makes sure I get out of the house every Monday night. People do meet friends at this meeting. I have brought 2 of my friends from elsewhere into this meeting (and I'm working on a 3rd).

You can find meetings like this by looking on the internet, newspapers, ask your therapist, call a large therapy practice, call the psychiatric hospital. If there isn't one nearby, you could start one - you need to get a room (call the hospital?), publicity (newspaper and fliers in therapists offices), find a moderator (probably you - makes sure someone is there every week, explains guidelines for new members (confidentiality, I-statements, no interrupting etc.), makes sure meeting moves forward - it isn't as hard as it sounds). I can help you know what to do.

I think that if you had a support group that it would be easier for you to reduce the depression emphasis with your roommate. I'm not saying that you talk about it too much, but it sounds like you talk about it more than she wants.

This stuff is really, really hard. Making friends is hard for people who Don't have depression. Getting out of the house and actually talking to people is really hard for me. I can suggest it a lot better than I can do it!

I see a caring, aware, sensitive person in your posts. Anyone would be lucky to be your friend.

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 19:24:01

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 9:09:41

Yes, I do need to find more friends, and it is very hard. At least now I have people to go to lunch with at work, since my office has moved to the first floor in my building.

I am in Weight Watchers, and have tried to make friends there, but sometimes people will quit coming and then that's that. A class would be good, though I'm not sure when I'd fit it in. Time, energy and motivation are the things that keep me from seeking out new friends. But, you're right, I really need to find some. I had dinner with a friend from college today and it was so good seeing her. We had a really good time together, and I'm hoping we can get together fairly often.

When I was in the hospital, the social worker there gave me the numbers for a couple of depression support groups in the area, but, naturally, I haven't called. As for my roommate - she tells me ALL the time that she wants me to tell her how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc., but clearly she can't take it - it's much too stressful for her. I seem to attract people like her every now and again, but had friends in Charlotte and friends in college like the one I saw today who can listen to me and not try to give me advice or fix things or whatever. Much healthier relationships. My roommate can be so intense at times - the friend I saw today even mentioned that - and it gets really tiring. I'm trying to just *let it go* and not read too much into her moods, words, expressions, body language, etc. But, it's really hard. And I feel a huge weight on my shoulders. I don't want to lose her, but it will be so much better when we're not living together anymore!

Sigh...I wish I was in school. Ready-made social circle.

Thanks for your kind words. You too are a wonderful caring person. I enjoy your posts and your friendship.

P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny

Posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 22:20:04

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 19:24:01

See, you are making progress. You have people to go to lunch with! That really helps.

Weight Watchers sounds like a great place to meet people! People from there might like to go walking with you (it is SO hard to go alone) and you can do it anytime of the day and it doesn't cost anything. Maybe you could set up a walking date early on so that you'll exchange phone numbers while they are still around.

I am so glad that I go to my Depression Support group. I can't imagine having more than one to choose from! You could try them all. This really can be important.

I think you are right on about your roommate. She says one thing but really means another. Maybe she *wants* to believe what she says, but then can't quite pull it off.

Despite your problems, I think you are a strong person. Go get 'em!

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by ROO on August 25, 2003, at 10:38:42

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 22:20:04

You didn't do anything wrong. YOu really didn't. I think
your roomate is being a bit controlling and she might have even
been jealous that she brought friends over and you had something in
common with one of them. I mean "Id rather you not talk about your depression
with my friends". Like you said, her friend is the one that wanted to talk
about it! Plus, who is she to tell you what you can talk about with people? Jeez!
That's a little controlling and uptight and shame inducing if you ask me. Seems like
she's always trying to make you feel shame.

It does sound like having other friends would help a lot. It always makes for
an unbalance of power when you rely on one friend for all your social needs. Getting out
of the house to do other stuff would probably help too.

I'm in Durham if you ever want to get together. Of course I think
I'm quite a bit older than you (I'm 35). But I'm always up for taking a
walk or a hike or something.

Take Care--don't let your roomate get you down. She's certainly
not perfect and has issues all her own.

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? ROO

Posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 11:41:02

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by ROO on August 25, 2003, at 10:38:42

Thanks. You're not 'quite a bit older' - I'm nearly 27! ;-)

If you want, you can email me at penny1076 at yahoo dot com. It's an alias (of course), since I don't want to post my real name up here!

Take care.
P

 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny

Posted by Phil on August 25, 2003, at 12:52:39

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? ROO, posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 11:41:02

Penny, Maybe you could have asked her if she would feel comfortable again taking Ambian after she ruined your life while she took it the first time?
I am still learning that I'm not automatically wrong when someone disagrees. Another skill I have a very hard time with is letting others be mad at me without me trying to straighten things out. I'm working on this one constantly; Half the time the others aren't mad in the first place.
When you're coming from a place of frazzled self-esteem and at the same time never wanting to hurt anyone, you're setting yourself up for lots of pain.
When your roommate came to your room, you might have kindly responded that you were uncomfortable with hallucinators in the house and you didn't care what she thought about how you talked to her friends. My bet is the friends thought you were cool which pissed your roommate off again. Tell her to grow up or go drop a few hits of Ambien and go to the circus. Then, close your door and don't think another minute about it. She'll learn.

Like Bob Marley said..Get up-stand up
Stand up for your rights

or listen to Could You Be Loved(Very empowering)


Could you be loved, and be loved?
Could you be loved, and be loved?

Don't let them fool ya,
Or even try to school ya! Oh, no!
We've got a mind of our own,
So go to hell if what you're thinking is not right!
Love would never leave us alone,
Ay-in the darkness there must come out to light.

Could you be loved, and be loved?
Could you be loved, wo now! - and be loved?

(The road of life is rocky and you may stumble too,
So while you point your fingers someone else is judging you)
Love your brotherman!
(Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?)

Don't let them change ya, oh!
Or even rearrange ya! Oh, no!
We've got a life to live.
They say: only - only -
only the fittest of the fittest shall survive -
Stay alive! Eh!

Could you be loved, and be loved?
Could you be loved, wo now! - and be loved?

(You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry;
No matter how you treat him, the man will never be satisfied.)
Say something! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! Say something!
(Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! (Could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! Say something! (Say something!)
Say something! Say something! (Could you be loved?)
Say something! Say something! Reggae, reggae!
Say something! Rockers, rockers!
Say something! Reggae, reggae!
Say something! Rockers, rockers!
Say something! (Could you be loved?)
Say something! Uh!
Say something! Come on!
Say something! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! (Could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Say something! (Could you be - could you be loved?) /fadeout/


 

Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Phil

Posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 14:28:49

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by Phil on August 25, 2003, at 12:52:39

Thank you so much - your email made me laugh. Yeah, sometimes I would like to say exactly what I am thinking to her, but am not able to, yet. Maybe once I move into my own place and am no longer dependent upon her helping me pay rent!

P

 

Ever think it might be your roommate's fault? Penny

Posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 16:29:04

In reply to Why do I always say the wrong things?, posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't let her words hurt you. Insecure people usually lash out and it seems she's found an easy target in you. Why assume that she's right and you are wrong?

Find another roommate or move to another location. Or create a haven in your bedroom and avoid her as much as possible. Set boundaries that will protect you. Simple rules "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I learned that one in kindergarden. :) If she doesn't want you socializing with her friends, invite your own over.

You can't fix her. Do what you have to, for you to be happy.

Good Luck!
KDi in Texas

 

Just 7 little words fallsfall

Posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 16:36:38

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2003, at 22:17:40

"I won't be better off without you."
fallsfall

That was incredibly sweet and the perfect thing to say. I must be emotional today because it almost made me cry.

KDi in Texas


 

Re: Ever think it might be your roommate's fault?

Posted by Penny on August 26, 2003, at 11:44:52

In reply to Ever think it might be your roommate's fault? Penny, posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 16:29:04

Thanks.

Fortunately, come December when our lease is up, I am moving out, into my own place. I should have done that before we moved where we are now, but was thinking at the time that things would work out.

I think I'm a glutton for punishment.


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