Psycho-Babble Social Thread 252745

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What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?

Posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 10:57:06

Such a self-serving post, I know. I apologize. Here I am. 36. Never married. Last time a guy was "stupid" in love with me was about 12 years ago. Last relationship was about 2 years ago. That was OK, almost healthy, except for that overhanging "Susan I love you but I'm not 'in' love with you" crap.

Just got my haircut yesterday and my stylist asked me if I was seeing anyone. Told her no. I meet a few guys here and there, they seem nice, and then I find out either they're just not right for me (that's OK) or they are absolute jerks (not OK).

Stylist was surprised, because she said I was "so beautiful." That's my achilles heel by the way. I'm overweight and therefore think I'm ugly. Don't think any man would be attracted to me. Now I know that attitude sends out the wrong vibes, but I've been making a really big effort to seem confident, fun, nice, warm, open, etc. Not catching anything. :-)

Sooooo, what exactly would make a man attracted to me? Blonde, slightly overweight, book geek with decent sense of humor, very kind. I shower every day and brush/floss. :-) I dress well, have a great job, a dog, a car, and a good grasp of reality most of the time.....

What am I doing wrong? The guys I get end up being even more wacked out than me. Last guy just "knew" I was too good for him so he had to leave me before I left him and hurt him. Obviously, his self-esteem was in the toilet. How do I avoid those?

I'm not asking for marriage, here. I'm asking -- how do I get an emotionally healthy guy to at least ask me out? What do men want?

Oh, and then let's just say I meet a healthy guy....how do I/when do I break the news to him that I struggle with depression constantly? It's not disabling now, I'm actually doing pretty well. But it's always just around the corner....

 

Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?

Posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 15:41:06

In reply to What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?, posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 10:57:06

It isn't really a gender specific issue, imho. Men aren't any more finicky than women. I probably have a horribly jaded view of things, but I tend to see people in general looking for a mate based on qualities that they have been *taught* to desire, but may not ultimately appreciate themselves. To be general, everybody wants someone who is confident and powerful, "good looking" for their gender (men:bigger is better. Military hair. Gold chain or two; women:smaller is better (so is blond hair)), someone who isn't smarter than them, but not too much stupider, and someone who is well liked by others (popular, so to speak). Mate choice seems to be about enhancing one's social standing.
Now, that's my take, and I think it has merit. What throws everyone is that they *think* they want a person with Romantic Comedy characteristics (sweet, kind of peculiar, etc). No one would claim to want the type of person I described in the first paragraph, just like no one claims to like negative political ads, but they still work. The disparity between people's beliefs about themselves and their ultimate actions is remarkable.
A lot of it boils down to the fact that people are selfish. It makes sense. Who else is going to look out for you? Normal people tend to think pretty highly of themselves, as witty, unique, deserving people, filtering out the bad things and exaggerating the good. Everyone is "zany" and special, requiring some unattainable foil to complete them. In short, they're way too critical, and pass over people all the time that they would probably appreciate a great deal if they weren't so neurotic about their desires.
I don't think there's anything you can do to enhance your appeal in any broad way that would also be beneficial in the long run. If you think that the extra weight is an issue, you could lose it, but then you set yourself up for failure later if you gain it back ("you used to look better!"). Weight should be mainly a health concern, between you and your doctor.
Having said all that, I would just suggest that you increase your exposure to other people, maintain a pleasant presence, and perhaps initiate conversations with people you like (and have at least some reason to believe may reciprocate). I've found that waiting for others to act is a guaranteed lock on single life. Also, it always seems that it's not until I stop looking too hard that things happen for me. Just be unabashedly yourself, and the right people will notice (cliche, but for a reason).

 

Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman? » Eddie Sylvano

Posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 15:59:54

In reply to Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 15:41:06

>> To be general, everybody wants someone who is confident and powerful, "good looking" for their gender (men:bigger is better. Military hair. Gold chain or two; women:smaller is better (so is blond hair)), someone who isn't smarter than them, but not too much stupider, and someone who is well liked by others (popular, so to speak). Mate choice seems to be about enhancing one's social standing.
<<LOL. That is a bit cynical. I think the characteristics *I* want in a mate are reasonable and attainable:

1. Attractive TO ME. That can range the gamut.
2. Emotionally healthy, open, communicative.
3. Someone who loves to learn about a variety of things.
4. Someone I have at least some stuff in common.
5. Someone who *gets* me, and whom I *get*. That's the hard part....
>>In short, they're way too critical, and pass over people all the time that they would probably appreciate a great deal if they weren't so neurotic about their desires.
<<I agree in theory, but maybe you could give me an example?

> If you think that the extra weight is an issue, you could lose it, but then you set yourself up for failure later if you gain it back ("you used to look better!"). Weight should be mainly a health concern, between you and your doctor.
<<Trust me, if it were that easy, it would have been done. But I cannot work hard on my mental health, run my household, do a good job at work, pay my bills, and make sure I eat healthy all the time. And for someone who has a weight problem, it is a constant battle. Kind of like depression is for me, too.

And no other health issues. BP is great, I have the lowest triglyceride count my doc's ever seen. Perfect blood sugar levels, high good cholesterol, and in good cardio condition. So, to me, it's a looks thing, not a health thing. Someday (I hope not) it might become a health thing. But it isn't right now.

> Having said all that, I would just suggest that you increase your exposure to other people, maintain a pleasant presence, and perhaps initiate conversations with people you like (and have at least some reason to believe may reciprocate). I've found that waiting for others to act is a guaranteed lock on single life.
<<OK, so, do guys like aggressive women?

 

Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman?

Posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 16:46:39

In reply to Re: What do (healthy) men look for in a woman? » Eddie Sylvano, posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 15:59:54

> 5. Someone who *gets* me, and whom I *get*. That's the hard part....
------------

I understand. It's hard to find someone with the same set of priorities and general sense of humor as yourself. Someone who can agree when you say "All I really want out of life is [..fill in the blank..]"

> <<I agree in theory, but maybe you could give me an example?
---------------

My former marriage is a good starting point. At the inception of our relationship, she had already written a formal list of things she wanted in a man ("wears glasses, reads a lot, skinny..." Something like 25 qualites. how come lists always end in numbers divisble by 5?). Anyway, fast forward a few years, and she realizes that she exactly *doesn't* want these qualities. She then writes a new list to illustrate why she doesn't want me anymore ("can disco dance, has soul, it goes on..."), and proceeds to marry a guy who has absolutely none of those qualities either (which I know because he was my best friend). The point is that she believed that she really did want those qualities, but acted in opposition.
When people say things about themelves, they're subconciously making those statements acceptable to their social group, since that's the audience. Somewhere along the process, they come to believe what they say. Maybe as they're doing it. The problem is that it's not wholly accurate, and it leads them in the wrong directions.

> And no other health issues. BP is great, I have the lowest triglyceride count my doc's ever seen.
---------

If you're not grotesquely fat or unhealthy, you're just on a continuum of normal like the rest of us.
My first real girlfriend came to become somewhat heavy after several years of dating. I used to think that if I dated someone more beautiful that I'd be happier, but having later dated someone very beautiful, I found that I came to appreciate her appearance just the same as the previous, less remarkable girls.

> <<OK, so, do guys like aggressive women?

The problem with listening to me is that I seem to be an aberration as far as tastes go. Guys like Pamela Anderson and i like Lili Tyler. Guys prefer blondes and I like brunettes.
From what I've gathered, men don't mind women who are forward *if* they already have some attraction to the girl. If they're on the fence, they may see an aggresive woman as being needy or desperate. What's called for is a little bit of due diligence about the guy. In this way, you "play it cool" around them as suss them out a bit, ramping up your level of aggresiveness in proportion to their response. If in doubt, take your time (unless there isn't any).
It's silly that this process should be so hard. After I divorced, I dated a lot of girls who seemed put off by my interest in them, however mild. Accordingly, I came to be more aloof, not calling for several days, etc. When I met my current fiancee, I employed these learned rules, only to find that she actually wanted me to call frequently and express interest, at which point I just reverted to being me (and things worked out well). This leads me to believe that if wrangling someone in turns out to be a difficult social strategy, they're probably not for you.


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