Psycho-Babble Social Thread 222048

Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Will it really get better???

Posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 15:16:47

I always hear that... "It will get better", "it's only temporary",
"you have to be patient"....blah blah blah....
But WILL IT REALLY GET BETTER? It never has gotten better
for me. It has improved somewhat from time to time, but
for years I can not say that I've truly felt happy or
okay. No amount of medication or therapy has helped me
ENOUGH. They've helped - therapy more than medication -
but my basic deep down misery has never gone away. I
don't know. I just don't know if I can believe that it
will ever get better of if my whole life I will be fighting
and struggling against this dark force within me.

 

Re: Will it really get better???

Posted by daizy on April 24, 2003, at 15:24:58

In reply to Will it really get better???, posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 15:16:47

You just have to hope, thats what I do all the time!

 

What happens when...

Posted by Miller on April 24, 2003, at 16:34:06

In reply to Re: Will it really get better???, posted by daizy on April 24, 2003, at 15:24:58

...all hope is lost?

-Miller

 

Re: What happens when...

Posted by coral on April 24, 2003, at 17:04:18

In reply to What happens when..., posted by Miller on April 24, 2003, at 16:34:06

Is all hope ever really lost????? I don't think so.

Sometimes it just gets misplaced.

Coral

 

Re: And sometimes you have to borrow some

Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:19:40

In reply to What happens when..., posted by Miller on April 24, 2003, at 16:34:06

I've got plenty at the moment. You're welcome to a heaping cupful.

Things can get better than they are now. Really, Miller, they can.

 

toast anyone?

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 18:00:23

In reply to Re: And sometimes you have to borrow some, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:19:40

ive managed to capture some "sunshine lollipops" in a jar that sits on a shelf in the fridge,
can i interest anyone by smearing it on some wheat toast??
who am i kidding...i have been drunk for 4 nights straight,,to beat the loneliness back:(
j

 

eerrr...can I smear it on...what a perv I am, God (nm)

Posted by lostsailor on April 24, 2003, at 18:23:33

In reply to toast anyone?, posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 18:00:23

 

Re: Beg, borrow, steal - Miller

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 18:33:22

In reply to Re: And sometimes you have to borrow some, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:19:40

I'm like Dinah. I currently have extra on hand.

Last week I didn't, but this board and all the honesty and "fellowship" (and “galship”) that exists is really helping me sort out some old laundry. A refill of Wellbutrin after a month off didn't hurt, either.

I can't go it alone. Did I say that? I can't believe it. But, I did – and I can’t.

Obviously, medication (for me) is a big part of the quotient but I'm starting to realize that connecting with other people is just as important.

I'll be perfectly honest here. I've never, ever written this (or said it out loud) before. Too bad there isn’t an italics tool for this, it seems like it needs a little emphasis - but here it is -

I'm 100% positive that I would have offed myself about four years ago had it not been for my son.

Some might think, big whoop, that's a milestone? But for me, a control freak extraordinaire, that's a big admission.

Why the heck didn't I do it? Was it hope? Fear? What???

I THINK (but I’m not sure) that it was ultimately a sense of obligation. To my son, to whoever would find me, to my parents (who are miserable enough without me making it worse), to my fiance (who is now my husband), to my ex-husband who would be left to raise our son on his own, to his wife (who probably would have done most of the work), to my business partner/best friend and I guess, ultimately, to myself (but at that moment the “myself” part didn’t enter into it, I just see that now, because I distinctly remembering that all I wanted for myself was blackness.

Obligation = guilt in my personal dictionary. One of the words I struggle with the most probably saved me.

Whatever.

It kept the razor blade off my wrists that night. And there wouldn’t have been any safety valves. My son was with his father that night and it was winter and the only one who could make it up the road to my house was me (and that was just barely, which was just part of the bigger problem).

There are a lot of things I would have missed if I hadn’t felt obligated: My son’s eighth grade graduation, his first time on the honor roll, watching him skateboard without the fear that I’ve always felt to do anything more complicated than put one foot in front of the other, marrying my husband, walking the dog and holding her up over the seawall to see the seals barking, and a zillion other little mundane (and not so mundane) things that have happened since that night in Target when I thought “I think I’ll go home and kill myself.”

When remnants of those feelings start to stir, I remember that night and realize that what made me so desperately want to feel “nothing” and turn down the volume was the fact that I felt like I had no control any more over my situation. But do we ever? Excuse the analogy, but I've thought a lot about Dr. Atkins lately. If the carbohydrates don't get to you, something else will. Control can be good, but the need for too much of it has often left me boxed into the corner.

I hope that there is something, no matter how seemingly insignificant, that you can grab onto – (physically/mentally) every moment you feel like there’s no hope or that you're no longer in control of your situation. When I heard Anne Lamott speak a few months ago she described a little blue eraser in the shape of a shoe that she would clench in her hand when she felt out of control (the title of her latest book is ““Blue Shoe”” - I haven’t read it so I’m not recommending it, just giving credit to her since I borrowed from her).

On the subject of borrowing, Dinah is right – if you don’t have anything of your own to grab onto, BORROW it, beg for it or steal some temporarily from someone who does.

I’m glad you posted. Even though I’m new in these parts, I was worried and wondering about you.


 

did i say lubrication?oh my (nm) » lostsailor

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 18:39:00

In reply to eerrr...can I smear it on...what a perv I am, God (nm), posted by lostsailor on April 24, 2003, at 18:23:33

 

Re: Willow suffers from abundant gyno~drips (nm) » justyourlaugh

Posted by Dreamerz on April 24, 2003, at 19:11:29

In reply to did i say lubrication?oh my (nm) » lostsailor, posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 18:39:00

 

Response to Leeran

Posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 19:34:02

In reply to Re: Beg, borrow, steal - Miller, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 18:33:22

I think that, like you, that overriding sense of obligation really has kept me alive over the past few years. There have been so many "suicidal moments" (see my above post, for example) for the past 3 years or so. So many!! But, I guess that ultimately I do have something to grab onto, because somehow I am still alive and kicking. Right now is particularly bad for me. I have of course had better times, but not MUCH better. It's so discouraging to me at times, though. I think a lot that I am sick of this feeling that I am surviving, but not LIVING. YOu know, putting one foot in front of the other sort of thing. That's not a life. I want better.

But back to obligation. I think the biggest thing is the thought of my family, my older sister and younger sister and mother and father, and my best friend. It would devastate them. The thought of them mourning my death absolutely CRUSHES me. It has brought me to tears at times when I've found myself writing a rough draft of my suicide note to them (another little habit I have). But even smaller and less important obligations have saved me at times. Back in school, I would think "I can't try to kill myself because I have to study for my test, and killing myself will really interfere with that!" It's very ironic, and kind of deranged when you think about it.

Thanks for your story, and for reading mine.
Meghan

 

lubrication?..i thought a tasetful treat for 2 (nm)

Posted by lostsailor on April 24, 2003, at 19:36:30

In reply to did i say lubrication?oh my (nm) » lostsailor, posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 18:39:00

 

Everyone

Posted by Miller on April 24, 2003, at 19:53:34

In reply to Response to Leeran, posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 19:34:02

I have no kids. It does look like I will ever have them since my husband isn't even in the same bed with me anymore. But thank you all for offering to loan some hope. I do wish it was transferable. Meghan, Dinah, Leeran, JYL, Dreamerz, I'm glad you are all here.

-Miller

 

Re: Response to Leeran » mmcasey

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 19:58:33

In reply to Response to Leeran, posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 19:34:02

Meghan,

You are welcome as well - and I agree, I couldn't be this open if others weren't so willing to share their experiences. Reading these posts is like putting together a good toolbox (or an earthquake kit) in case of an emergency.

Your mention of holding off on the big "S" reminded me of the period of time when I found out my first husband was unfaithful.

After the initial horror, I thought, oh h*ll, now I won't get to go to Hawaii on his company trip because now I need to divorce him.

Then I thought, oh h*ll again. I deserve that stupid trip and I've already bought a swimsuit. So, I stayed a while longer.

When I look back on it, I realize I wouldn't have my son if I hadn't wanted to go on that Hawaiian trip so badly. He wasn't conceived on that trip but that "hold off a little longer" mentality kept me in the marriage and eventually, out of gratitude for someone moving a wheelbarrow full of gravel under the deck a beautiful life was created.

It's just all cause and effect.

When I'm feeling good I look at life like a pile of "chance" cards in Monopoly. You never know what you might miss if you bail out before the end of the game (I'm a confirmed "bailer" in Monopoly and it's not something I'm proud of :)

 

Re: Everyone » Miller

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 20:14:35

In reply to Everyone, posted by Miller on April 24, 2003, at 19:53:34

Hey Miller,

I hope I didn't sound too overbearing about the son part! I'm sorry if I did.

He comes to mind first because sometimes he's one of the best reminders that I have to try to act like an adult (not in the suicide sense, but in other ways - like, I should make that dental appointment for myself because I make him go, or, maybe junk food for dinner isn't nutritional). Weird stuff like that can keep me grounded sometimes. Most days it's just keeping up the pretense of trying to be normal ;-)

June and Ward really did make it look all too easy.

Take care of yourself. I just gave myself a hug and pretended it was you.

Lee

 

miller...

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 21:49:51

In reply to Re: Everyone » Miller, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 20:14:35

j,,,if you want kids..
then you can have them...f.dave..addopt a real "kid", do you have any idea how many kids are out there with no one to love them...i am not talking about babies...so many displaced,unloved forgotton.wirery 10 year olds out there...
have you ever concidered being a "big sister"...
you will find yours j...i know it..
you are a wonderful woman
j

 

who the hel* is willow and oh my!!!!!

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 21:57:15

In reply to lubrication?..i thought a tasetful treat for 2 (nm), posted by lostsailor on April 24, 2003, at 19:36:30

tony,,sorry i guess i am the larger "perve"
"gyno drip" sounds nasty...
i hope the willow does not blow my way....
why is it called "blow" anyway...
my vacuum has some really good "blow "to it...
"look at all thoses blowtion cups on that octorpus!"
lol
j

 

Re: Will it really get better??? » mmcasey

Posted by shar on April 25, 2003, at 21:10:15

In reply to Will it really get better???, posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 15:16:47

mm,
Well, I used to have to answer this one yes, because I knew someone who got better, really better, like happy. However, I can now add my own 2 cents, which is yes and no.

I was a true believer that mine would not get better, ever, that I'd done the therapy and meds (for some 25 years total) and I was 50 (see suicidal ideation thread you started) and I was ready to bid adieu to living. Only, I had agreed with my therapist that I would not do any bidding adieu for one year as I joined a group she ran. We had great big fights about it.

That year was up January 31st, 2003. Obviously, I'm still here. What happened was NOT that I got better, but that life got better. My horizon shifted just enough...just enough...to make a difference. That was about December of 2002.

I won't go into vast detail, but I did want to say yes and no. You may never be your old self (if you had a happy old self that you remember), and you may not leave depression behind (I still deal with it), but I can attest to the fact that life may bring something your way that will change your horizon just enough to make it worthwhile to go on another day.

Good luck,
Shar

> I always hear that... "It will get better", "it's only temporary",
> "you have to be patient"....blah blah blah....
> But WILL IT REALLY GET BETTER? It never has gotten better
> for me. It has improved somewhat from time to time, but
> for years I can not say that I've truly felt happy or
> okay. No amount of medication or therapy has helped me
> ENOUGH. They've helped - therapy more than medication -
> but my basic deep down misery has never gone away. I
> don't know. I just don't know if I can believe that it
> will ever get better of if my whole life I will be fighting
> and struggling against this dark force within me.


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