Psycho-Babble Social Thread 221915

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Good feelings

Posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 1:38:10

Hey, I'm in early infatuation stage. Everything is fresh and new.. I feel so alive. It's too cool. Haven't felt this in forever. Or longer.

I asked my therapist if I'm just having a moodswing.. she said no, she thinks it's all good. She said I've had a healing experience. I'm not sure what that means, but I think it means I get to enjoy this feeling instead of taking it as a sign I need to up my medication.

 

Re: Good feelings » Tabitha

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 3:02:24

In reply to Good feelings, posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 1:38:10

On my way to bed but I figured I might be one of the last ones up - so I wanted to say that it all sounds really, really GOOD. I read your post a few days ago and thought the same thing then.

What's that old expression? When it's right, you just know it. I also believe that things happen exactly when and as they were meant to happen. Sounds like that's what's transpiring in your life right now!

If life is a metaphor for a game show (or vice versa) then you should never pass up the opportunity to buy a vowel.

On that weird note I will go to bed. It makes perfect sense to me right now but I wonder if it will in the morning?

 

Re: Great feelings

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 24, 2003, at 7:43:43

In reply to Re: Good feelings » Tabitha, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 3:02:24

tab,
that is so wonderful..
hang onto it,,enjoy it..most of all ,share it.
j

 

Does he know you're a slob yet? :D » Tabitha

Posted by Kar on April 24, 2003, at 10:20:55

In reply to Good feelings, posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 1:38:10

Ah, early infatuation...it's the best. That little "mmp" you get when you talk to him on the phone or get an e-mail...You probably don't feel as if it's real, right? I know I didn't. So I dumped him. I'm kidding. It sounds as if you already are, but just appreciate it...no matter what happens.

It's hard not to project though, isn't it? I was terrible. On the 2nd date I knew we'd get married. But damnit, you just can't think that. Then again, you can talk to yourself all you want and still think that.

>instead of taking it as a sign I need to up my medication.
it bites that we can't even experience good things without pathologizing them, doesn't it? Wait a minute- is this truly a positive experience or am I hypo? Blah blabladee blah.

how often do you e-mail/talk/see him?
Dish!

 

Re: Good feelings » leeran

Posted by whiterabbit on April 24, 2003, at 10:30:31

In reply to Re: Good feelings » Tabitha, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 3:02:24

I feel exactly the same way, that things happen when and how they were meant to happen. I feel that strongly, at this point in my life. I've become somewhat spiritual...

I had a wonderful aunt who was the "glue" in my maternal family - she was generous and fun and loved us all without condition. She built a large house with many bedrooms and everyone was welcome
at any time, the door was always open. She adored holidays, and for decades her home was the meeting point for all family, near and far. She would feed us and fuss over us and spoil us. She was truly special.

Her death from colon cancer was painful and prolonged. She was the last person on earth who "deserved" to die in this manner, and watching helplessly as she slowly deteriorated was
torture for all of us. She was only 56 when she died, and it was such a cruelty, to have this marvelous person wrenched from our lives so soon
and in such a terrible way. I remember sitting in the bathroom near her bed with a washcloth in my mouth so she wouldn't hear me sobbing,wondering if God was dead.

I do feel her presence at times, and I talk to her when I'm sad. Little things will happen to let me know that she hears me, too often to be mere coincidence. So I do feel now that there is a time and a reason for the events in our life, even though we can't see the whole picture. I have to remind myself sometimes when I'm not dealing well with the divorce that my husband so desperately wants. It's hard not to hate him. But maybe this has to happen so I can be happy myself.
-Gracie
P.S. So don't worry about no embolism, Noa!
P.P.S. I love you, Aunt Judy

 

Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D

Posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 11:08:59

In reply to Does he know you're a slob yet? :D » Tabitha, posted by Kar on April 24, 2003, at 10:20:55

I refused to let him in my house until I had cleaned. I told him it was the day before the maid came, but then I admitted I was kidding, I don't really have a maid. I cleaned the entire place in a 6-hour whirlwind of activity and had him over for dinner. My therp suggested part of my good mood is just that now I have a clean house. It's amazing. There are no piles of stuff anywhere. There are no dustbunnies except under the bed where they belong. There is food in the fridge. Kind of annoyed that I couldn't just do this for MYSELF, but what the heck, I'll take it anyway.

I'm not sure I can dish. Here I've been going on about how great it is to be single and self-sufficient and just wanting a casual summer sex fling with an inappropriate young man (or two or three). I wasn't looking for anything like this. The trippy thing is, I don't have to hold back my infatuation and hide it and play the usual little games, because he's feeling the same thing, and admitting it, in an honest way, including the fears. I've always had it be unequal, one person smitten, the other ambivalent.

I'm discovering the main turn-on for me is his willingness to open up and show emotional vulnerability. Seriously. It's like a whole new dimension.

 

Re: Good feelings » whiterabbit

Posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 11:16:15

In reply to Re: Good feelings » leeran, posted by whiterabbit on April 24, 2003, at 10:30:31

Aunt Judy sounds wonderful. What a great inspiration.

Gracie, why hold back hating your husband? It might lead to feeling at peace with him faster to just hate him as much as you need to hate him until you're done.

 

Re: Good feelings

Posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 12:08:43

In reply to Re: Good feelings » whiterabbit, posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 11:16:15

Gracie: having been there and been devestated by a divorce that i did not want...i wish i had hated a little bit and gotten it over with. we've been divorced 13 years and his much younger wife, just kept me from getting a really good job at a hospital here...because she works there..i wrote a program for the ER and they loved it...then she stepped in and due to his prestige here...voila! no job! many apologies, but no job!
so, hate a little, it will free you up now and move you on down the road.....i'm moving from this town now. i already have all of my paper work in for nursing school, etc. but if they are going to pull strings to keep me from having a life...i have to leave. pat

 

Re: Good feelings » whiterabbit

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 12:27:15

In reply to Re: Good feelings » leeran, posted by whiterabbit on April 24, 2003, at 10:30:31

"I feel exactly the same way, that things happen when and how they were meant to happen. I feel that strongly, at this point in my life. I've become somewhat spiritual..." - Gracie

Gracie -

I've been writing a post for two days in response to Dinah's "ummmmm" thread, and most of it is based on my "There are No Coincidences in Life" mentality. I think that's why it's taken me so long to formulate the post. The therapeutic part (for me) is belching out the words - but that makes ME feel better, not anyone else, so I'm trying to figure out a why to make it sound less mystical and more practical.

I, too, am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. After reading your post about your aunt and her passing I can't help but be reminded of two of the most comforting books I've ever read about the connection that loved ones have in our lives. I may have mentioned both of these here before but here they are again:

"Many Lives Many Masters"
"Only Love is Real"

An internet friend of mine lost her mother and experienced exactly what you have described in your post. I had once mentioned these books in passing on a message board we both frequented and I never thought anything else about it until she wrote me several months later, after we had lost touch, and said these books had changed her life. She also thinks that the reason we met was so I could mention these books in passing (LOL)*. Dr. Weiss would appreciate that, I'm sure - in a spiritual as well as a financial sense. Joking aside, I do believe that we pass in and out of one another’s lives for a greater reason. I thought about this with the seven hostages who insisted on making the trip back to the U.S. as a group. Seven individuals who never knew each other before become family members because of the commonality of their experience.

Gracie, it sounds like your aunt is one of your soul mates in your own soul's journey and that connection can be timeless. From reading your post (and based on what I've read by Brian Weiss), I feel certain that your aunt does have her hand on your shoulder right now.

Isn't it strange that divorce can be so traumatic, yet, for me, both divorces triggered growth spurts. Of course, I didn’t think of it as a growing experience when I was in the eye of the storm. I thought it was agony squared. Like playing chess with hot pokers.

Being a fearful person, divorce was a radical move. I was forced to pull back the sheet and look at the ugly stuff about myself not once, but twice. I couldn’t deny that there was a pattern and since I was the common denominator in both failures I had to look at the role I played in the demise of both marriages. I like that old saying "we learn by our failures, not by our successes." It somehow makes “I really ****ed up” a lot more palatable.

It sounds like this period in your life is bringing about a lot of introspection. That can be so scary, a big Betty Crocker cook-off with our worst demons.

When you wrote “a reason for the events in our life, even though we can't see the whole picture” I remembered a passage I read during one of the divorces and it really stuck with me. I found a similar version doing a search on Google:

Life is compared to a needlepoint. One side has a beautiful tapestry, while on the other side there are knotted strings of thread, some long, some short, most in disarray. What is in the disarray on one side becomes a beautiful picture on the other side. That represents the essence of life. What we observe here upon this world during our temporary stay is the disheveled side of the needlepoint. We hope for that glorious day when we will be able to see the beautiful picture of life holistically.


*NOTE: I've told other people about these two books (including my mother) or lent different people my copies and they couldn't get past the first few pages. I mention that because I don't want anyone to think that I'm "peddling" these books as the answer to world hunger or as the gospel according to this particular psychiatrist. Because I'm in sales I have a tendency to always try to "sell" what I believe in, so I'm trying to learn to tone that down. My paranoia is showing. Just give it a nod and it will go away.

 

Re: Good feelings » fayeroe

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 13:19:22

In reply to Re: Good feelings, posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 12:08:43

Pat,

That's rotten. I just can't think of any other word (other than rotten) that isn't ban-worthy.

As a casual reader one thing is coming through loud and clear to me: she feels threatened by you for some reason.

Why else would someone stoop to such Machiavellian machinations?

Hmmmm, my first casual read brought me to the above conclusion, but my second read says this: if it's that obvious to me, a nimwit on a message board who doesn't know her from Adam, it's probably abundantly clear to everyone else (including your ex). She may be fully aware of how she is perceived and doesn't want you around to be compared against, least of all by your ex-husband!

I'll never forget the day when my first husband stood in the school parking lot and said "well, you could be a ***** at times, but you don't hold a candle to her when it comes to being a REAL *****." (LOL - I didn't even measure up in that department!). I reminded him that she was a lot younger and still had a lot of energy for his antics (plus, I had pre-nagged him for thirteen years). I do take satisfaction in knowing that she'll eventually need a forehead lift as well, due to his browbeating.

Sometimes, Pat, the first wife doesn't seem so bad after all . . . and the second wife knows it.

You're right, we have to take our satisfaction where we can get it!

Lee

p.s. When my ex and his new wife finished their house and my son visited for the first time (he was about six at the time) he walked through and put his hand on almost every piece of furniture and said "this used to be my mom's, and this used to be my mom's" and on and on. Of course, his dad used to be "mine" as well, but he depreciated as well. It's easy for me to reduce him to material terms because when I was readying myself to file for the divorce he plaintively said "but if we get divorced I won't have the house across from the golf course, the cars, the boat, etc."

I stood there for a moment, shocked by the fact that he had actually reduced it all to that. Then, I posed the question "well, if we lost everything in a fire, forgot to pay our insurance and just had to stand on a charred piece of ground and look at each other, then I guess you would feel like you had lost everything?" His answer (I'm not exaggerating): "Yeah, I can replace you many times over but I could never have all that "stuff" again."

His last big luxury purchase had been a boat (his M.O. was to be a real sweetheart right before he wanted to buy something expensive, and then, once he had "made the sale" he went back to his sullen self). That boat sunk the marriage within four months - AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY!!!???

All the material "stuff" he lobbied for in our marriage eventually went by the wayside, presumably to finance her interests. The boat, his 80 acre hunting playground, his TRUCK (which he wouldn't even let me SIT in because my perfume might rub off on his deer hunting clothes), etc.

When they bought a new truck to replace what had been his I asked him how he liked it, and he said "oh, that's basically hers, so she can pull her horse trailer around."

Ahhhhh, justice tastes particularly sweet this morning. Maybe because I'm taking the protein route.

 

Re: Good feelings » leeran

Posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 13:28:02

In reply to Re: Good feelings » fayeroe, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 13:19:22

Oh, you make me feel so much better, Lee....not because of what you've been through but because you shared it with me.......when I asked mine if he had never thought that I was "lonely" in the marriage, his reply was "I never doubted your committment to our marriage.".......but he was cheating on me with young nurses right and left!
I was driving and I said "if I could reach you, I would slap the ---- out of you!"...and he just looked incredulous...like he had given me a compliment????? I do agree that there is some fear there....but boy, I sure dont' want him back! I just want a life where I can get my degree and go on. AND, I've lost all the dogs that I had for so many years and believe it or not, I miss them so very much now. They were such comfort...Fayedy is so young and she loves me but it's not like having that certain head to pet and that look from their wise eyes. The last one died about 4 weeks ago. She was 17. I really, really appreciate getting to talk to you today. You've helped me before and this helps!! I'm having a yard sale Sunday and selling everything that was remotely connected to that marriage. Clean out and move up! Pat

 

Re: Good feelings » fayeroe

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 13:51:47

In reply to Re: Good feelings » leeran, posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 13:28:02

Pat,

I literally did laugh out loud when I read this line:

"if I could reach you, I would slap the ---- out of you!"

If that isn't a "Steel Magnolias-like" line I don't know what is!

A divorce yard sale . . . oh this brings back such memories. At the time, none of it was funny. It was dark and complicated and "hide under the covers for days" kind of stuff. But, compared to what my life is like now, it's just so ludicrous that I've got to laugh about it.

I remember having a yard sale after the first divorce. My father was there . . . sitting in a folding chair like Marlon Brando holding court in "Apocalypse Now." The Buddha of the 'burbs.

I never know what he's going to say or do. He has a master's degree in education but he will fart in public at the drop of a hat. I love him dearly and he has so much wisdom about him, but he has a big old garbage truck lodged in his cortex as well, and a self-centeredness that gives him permission to say or do whatever the h*ll he wants.

This particular day he was in rare form. His formerly perfect only child had screwed up, gotten divorced, and now had all the remnants of her life strewn about the grass like fallen soldiers in the divorce wars.

Someone leaned over a box of miscellany and pulled out a copy of "The Joy of Sex." My father - part salesman, part comedian and irreverant as h*ll said "Well, maybe if she had read that she wouldn't have ended up getting divorced."

I was mortified. I had forgotten the book was in the mix and I certainly hadn't prepared myself for a book club discussion of my failed marriage in the front yard with a complete stranger!

Getting someone else's "stuff" - or the leftover crap that someone else didn't want (but you're left to deal with) is just the PITS. And I don't mean the Brad Pitts.

Good luck with your sale. You'll feel better when you part company with a lot of that stuff.

 

Re: Good feelings++Thank you!!!! (nm) » leeran

Posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 13:58:22

In reply to Re: Good feelings » fayeroe, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 13:51:47

 

Good feelings for Leeran++laughing » leeran

Posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 14:21:53

In reply to Re: Good feelings » fayeroe, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 13:51:47

I had to come back to the 'puter and tell you what an image I have of your father in the front yard. My dad was visiting when I had decided to divorce my alcoholic first husband (yes, i've had two times at it) and I made 13 sour-cream apple pies....you talk about a pie-baking frenzy! My dad was mystified. I kept saying "I can't waste these apples!" And he kept asking where was I going to PUT the pies? He ate so much pie that I thought he would surely die. And he never mentioned that later. And perhaps if we had read "The Joy of Sex", we would not have married either one of them!!! :-)

 

Re: Good feelings for Leeran++laughing » fayeroe

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 17:02:22

In reply to Good feelings for Leeran++laughing » leeran, posted by fayeroe on April 24, 2003, at 14:21:53

Oh my gosh, we are cut from a similar cloth.

As I was feverishly packing to move out of my house back in the Midwest I nearly drove myself crazy (LOL, understatement of the millennium) with anxiety about wasting food.

When I should have been packing my crock pot I was loading it with a jumbo bag of frozen meatballs and pouring the remnants of practically every condiment in the refrigerator into the mix.

They were HORRIBLE! Almost worse than the taste was the smell. It was still lingering the day I finally packed the last load and drove down the hill.

If only I had been working with sour cream and apples . . . I might have been able to give them away. This concoction was a new-age witches brew, minus the eye of newt. I think my "business partner/best friend/serotonin drip" of over twenty years ended up taking them home as an act of charity.

Why do we (the collective, all forgiving, "we are family," WE) make things so HARD on ourselves? It seems so damn necessary at the moment.

God bless your dad, apple pie, and this board. Maybe the next time I move I'll just cut my ketchup losses and throw all that stuff away!

 

Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D

Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:41:21

In reply to Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D, posted by Tabitha on April 24, 2003, at 11:08:59

> The trippy thing is, I don't have to hold back my infatuation and hide it and play the usual little games, because he's feeling the same thing, and admitting it, in an honest way, including the fears. I've always had it be unequal, one person smitten, the other ambivalent.
>
> I'm discovering the main turn-on for me is his willingness to open up and show emotional vulnerability. Seriously. It's like a whole new dimension.


Ooh, Tabitha. I like him already. Emotionally vulnerable and willing to admit his fears. :) Now that's a real man. I can't even imagine dealing with the other sort, the game playing sort; life is too difficult as it is.

Enjoy this, Tabitha. (I can't even remember infatuation. Wait! There's a memory of late night... Nope, it's gone. Sigh. Close to a quarter century ago now.)

 

Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D » Dinah

Posted by Tabitha on April 25, 2003, at 1:01:44

In reply to Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:41:21

thanks hon.. I am enjoying it.. cause who knows? it may all burn out in a couple months.

I tell my therp what's the point of long-term love relationships.. the good feelings die then you're stuck. She says it's possible to just keep going to deeper levels of intimacy.. and keep getting good feelings. I'm almost willing to consider the possibility that such a thing might be possible.. for some.. I don't think she read it in a book, she seems to be telling the truth.

 

Re: OK Y'all, quit talkin 'bout divorce in my

Posted by Tabitha on April 25, 2003, at 1:12:59

In reply to Re: Does he know you're a slob yet? :D » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on April 25, 2003, at 1:01:44

new love thread! Might be bad luck..


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