Psycho-Babble Social Thread 221574

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Ummmm......

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 18:39:58

Anyone have problems with sexual aversion?

Anyone successfully solved their problems with sexual aversion?

 

Re: Ummmm...... Dinah

Posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 18:46:36

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 18:39:58

How far do you want to go with this topic?

 

Re: Ummmm......

Posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 18:47:02

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 18:39:58

i half some probelms like this but not just averson more like jus well overweming freak out everytime. i wish i didnt like it because then i wouldnt half to freak out. do you dont want it at all is that what aversin is?

 

Dinah R U O K? luv sienna (nm)

Posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 19:14:05

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 18:39:58

 

Re: I'm fine sienna

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:26:40

In reply to Dinah R U O K? luv sienna (nm), posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 19:14:05

And yes, that's what aversion means. Some panic is also involved.

 

Re: Ummmm......

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:29:35

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 18:46:36

I dunno. No details necessary of course. Generalities are fine. And this is of course for an ermmmm.... friend. Yeah.

 

Re: Oops. Above meant for (nm) leeran

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:35:27

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 18:46:36

 

Re: I'm fine Dinah

Posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 19:36:40

In reply to Re: I'm fine sienna, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:26:40

hi Dinah wow i have the panic i dont have the aversin exsept for where the panicking makes me aversive to it. I haveent delt with the panic part very wwell yet for me it gets better with time with one person and evenualy am allmost ok. but it is very frightning. and out of contorl like dissocciattively or somthing i can hear i canot talk. i cant open my eyes at all and it takes forever going way. i dont fined many peopel having this probelm usally but i couuld talk about it for long time its my worse thign and i dont now how make it stop.

did you have trama cuz i hear there is Emdr can help. i mighte tr it but im a big wimp. i dont now if ithis is resonattting with you at all it mayb e diffrent....

im sorry
sienna

 

Re: I'm fine sienna

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:44:33

In reply to Re: I'm fine Dinah, posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 19:36:40

Dissociation is actually the way I cope. Actually, it's the way I cope with a whole lot of things.

I've never had any trauma, although it took forever to convince my therapist of the truth of that. So many of my symptoms are typical of people who have been sexually abused, but I never have been. So there must be another road to them all.

I've heard really good things about EMDR. I think it wouldn't be too scary with a good therapist who knew how to do it at the right speed. Do they think it might help you with the flashbacks? I've never been able to figure out how I might use it, so I never have.

 

Re: Ummmm...... Dinah

Posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 19:46:22

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 18:39:58

Dinah,

The reason I asked "how far do you want to go with this topic" is because I don't know the parameters regarding certain subjects here on the board.

My first husband called me "frigid" and perhaps I was - but I left the marriage multi-orgasmic and it had absolutely nothing to do with him OR with a third party (oh, here I am, teetering way out on the limb, as usual).

To say that this is a subject that's near and dear to my heart might give the impression that I'm a nymphomaniac*, when in fact, it's just that this is one of the few problem areas in my life that I can take credit for overcoming on my own (and not due to anyone else's agenda or insistence).

Aversion could, I suppose, be linked to many factors - medications, attraction, self-image, hormones, etc.

Looking over that list, I know I've experienced aversion based on each one of those factors:

1) medication (Paxil)
2) attraction (more accurately, lack thereof, with my first husband)
3) self-image (always a factor with me)
4) hormones (another "or lack thereof," the newest player in the line-up).

The downside for me is that sexual aversion (when it has existed in my life, for any reason) is just one more issue I can use to berate myself.

As you can tell, I'm an open book on a message board (although very shy in real life).

I'm more than happy to answer any question you might have regarding what worked for me.

Lee

*Note - absolutely no slur intended toward anyone with that dx, it just doesn't happen to be mine.

 

Re: Ummmm...... leeran

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:58:36

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 19:46:22

I think Dr. Bob has proved quite tolerant of the subject in the past.

I don't think in this case it could be caused by any of those things. It's been a problem for as long as I can remember. It's only a problem with other people. Any other people. Not limited to any single individual. Alone, it's no problem *at all*.

I rarely had more than one date, because it extended to kissing as well. Feelings of suffocation, urges to flee. And I don't like to be touched. Except holding non-moving touches.

I can overcome it with a combination of a smidge of alchohol and a lot of dissociation. But it takes plenty of warning for that to work.

Given that overly expansive wealth of information, do you think that any of what worked for you would help me (or, ummm... my friend).

 

Re: Ummmm...... Dinah

Posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 20:10:55

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... leeran, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:58:36

Dinah,

I'm going to ponder this while I cook dinner and see if I can relate what your friend is experiencing to anything I've ever felt.

I think I can (and no, repeating that line wasn't one of my methods) but I have to go back to the seventies/eighties (or perhaps just to last week, thanks to the Wellbutrin outage).

Lee

 

sienna

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 22:00:46

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 20:10:55

hi friend,,you do not appear to be okay?
are you okay?
ive read your posts..
and i worry you put all the worlds pressure on yourself..you are okay..i am okay..
j

 

Re: Ummmm...... Dinah

Posted by tina on April 23, 2003, at 8:13:04

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... leeran, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:58:36

>
> I rarely had more than one date, because it extended to kissing as well. Feelings of suffocation, urges to flee. And I don't like to be touched. Except holding non-moving touches.
>
> I can overcome it with a combination of a smidge of alchohol and a lot of dissociation. But it takes plenty of warning for that to work.
>
Hi Dinah
This sounds just like what happens to me. Urges to flee, discomfort, just wanting to get away from it. I was sexually abused though. Could it be a part of your upbringing? WAs it looked on as naughty or not talked about in your house when you were younger? Sometimes a parental aversion causes the children to have aversion even when there isn't an abuse history.
just a ramble
take care
tina

 

Re: Ummmm...... tina

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 10:16:37

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by tina on April 23, 2003, at 8:13:04

My mom was pretty relaxed about sex, I think. When my best friend and I were at the giggling, wondering what it's all about stage (15 or 16 I guess), my mom heard us trying to get access to Playgirl and bought it for us. And offered to explain anything we didn't understand. Kind of took all the fun out of it, but I doubt it was traumatizing.

She did maybe volunteer a bit too much about her sex life with my dad, but not when I was a *little* girl, I don't think. Probably when I was a young adult.

I don't remember my dad talking about sex, which was fine with me.

 

Re: Ummmm...... Dinah

Posted by Tabitha on April 23, 2003, at 11:47:18

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... tina, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 10:16:37

Dinah, that makes me sad to hear.. I wish I could fix it. Maybe some desensitization exercises like they do with fear of flying and other phobias?

 

Re: I'm fine Dinah

Posted by sienna on April 23, 2003, at 15:25:19

In reply to Re: I'm fine sienna, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 19:44:33

hi dinah,

i was hoping emdr would help some with flasbacks. i dont know though. .... i have had them so long and nothign helps .. theyre so overwleming... and go so fast into it and cant stop it. its tottlaly out of constrol. im not sure what emdr you would use it for. did you ask your doc before? my meds dont help at all...

sienna

 

hi jyl justyourlaugh

Posted by sienna on April 23, 2003, at 15:30:28

In reply to sienna, posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 22:00:46

im ok. thanks for thinking of me. i am ok. just been gone so long and came back and wrote all over the baords. its ok. i feel ok just am not sure of what to do with my meds but talked to my pdoc adn now theres a plan i should stick with it probably will for a week then wil call him i f i think i cant do it anymore. i want to be normal, exsept i guess i dont realaly want that.

i do put alla worlds pressure on me but its ok...

sienna

 

Re: hi jyl sienna

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 23, 2003, at 16:58:00

In reply to hi jyl justyourlaugh, posted by sienna on April 23, 2003, at 15:30:28

"normal"people lack passion.
j

 

Re: Ummmm...... Tabitha

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 19:15:40

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... Dinah, posted by Tabitha on April 23, 2003, at 11:47:18

Well, it doesn't make for a perfect marriage. And desensitization hasn't seemed to work. (wry smile) But I'll live (with the help of alchohol and dissociation).

 

Re: I'm fine sienna

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 19:19:05

In reply to Re: I'm fine Dinah, posted by sienna on April 23, 2003, at 15:25:19

A friend had just started EMDR and I asked my therapist if he would mind if I saw someone who practiced EMDR for just that purpose. To my surprise he agreed and asked what my goal would be. I was stumped there, did some research, and decided that since I didn't have any traumatic memories to work on I really didn't know what I would do with an EMDR therapist. So I dropped it.

 

Re: I'm fine Dinah

Posted by Pfinstegg on April 23, 2003, at 21:28:27

In reply to Re: I'm fine sienna, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 19:19:05

Even though you don't have any specific memories of trauma, you may have had intense fears that something wrong would happen which would have been traumatic. It sounds as if you may not have had any sense of safety when you were a child; This could be the equivalent of actually having been abused or traumatized. My father was an alcoholic, and although he never abused me sexually, I felt a continual sense of danger around him-something I'm working on now in therapy. I am finding how intense these fears still are, so many years later; I didn't know how much I was minimizing and denying them until now: because I wasn't actually abused, I kept telling myself that my anxiety was uncalled for. When you have a "meltdown", I wonder if you aren't re-experiencing an extremely fearful state that you originally experienced as a child. To me, how you describe your life seems to have PTSD written all over it .I, too have heard interesting things about EMDR; maybe you shouldn't reject the idea of it completely. My new therapist has favorable views of it as an adjunct. It's so good that you are bringing these topics to the board, Dinah. You are not not the only one by any means, but you often have the most courage in leading the way.

Pfinstegg

 

Re: I'm fine Dinah

Posted by judy1 on April 23, 2003, at 23:55:20

In reply to Re: I'm fine sienna, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2003, at 19:19:05

I have a history Dinah, and for me a specific trigger (it can be a memory, smell, etc.) will cause me to dissociate during sex. it certainly doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's pretty clear to my spouse who will do everything to reassure me (doesn't really help, but it's a nice gesture). has this been happening a lot Dinah, or just occasionally? I went the EMDR route, it was somewhat helpful- but it really is for specific memories, and I had too much fear to continue. would it help to have your spouse come to sessions with you? just some thoughts. take care, judy

 

Re: I'm fine Pfinstegg

Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:49:18

In reply to Re: I'm fine Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on April 23, 2003, at 21:28:27

Fools rush in.... (grin)

I haven't ruled out EMDR. It's just that my understanding is what Judy said. You have to have a target memory. I don't have any traumatic memories. I guess I have a few sad ones, but they aren't very specific. It would be hard to isolate one given memory. By this time they're more memories of memories than actual memories, if that makes any sense. And they have long since been stripped of their emotional content. So I can remember my first panic attack, and my brand new brother almost throwing up on me, I can remember how I felt, but it's not even movie quality memories. It's more like transcript memories. They have no power to move me at all any more.

Are you planning to use EMDR as an adjunct?

 

Re: I'm fine judy1

Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:55:19

In reply to Re: I'm fine Dinah, posted by judy1 on April 23, 2003, at 23:55:20

My husband doesn't really know about it all. I mean he *must* know to some extent. I was far more overt about the fear before we were married, and it was in fact a condition of our marriage that I get over it, or overcome it or something. He *can't* be totally oblivious. Although my husband manages to be oblivious to a lot of things, and that's just as well I guess.

It's a pretty global fear and it comes up with any sort of touch with sexual overtones. It also comes up when someone very tall enters my personal space, even when no touching is involved. At least it *feels* like the same fear. Similar at least. Feelings of suffocation and urges to flee. Dissociation can be a terrific thing sometimes, and allows me to function as if.


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