Psycho-Babble Social Thread 221400

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Depression is back

Posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 8:44:40

I feel like curling up on a soft piece of earth and sinking into oblivion.
It's a feeling that comes and goes..several times a day. I feel ok one minute then it hits me that my life has no meaning, no purpose, no point and why do I get out of bed in the morning? Some days i don't. I need help but I don't know where to go to get it. Therapists can't help me to not feel this way. My doc gives me the meds and just says "increase the dose" but these feelings always come back. I don't know what to do and when I feel frustrated, the anger comes back and the SI comes with it.


I guess that's my tuesday morning rant.

 

Re: Depression is black tina

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 9:00:06

In reply to Depression is back, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 8:44:40

tina ,
i see the easter bunny brought us a barrel full of
horrid depression..
you got to keep yourself safe tina(i have been si free for 3 weeks now..but i am drinking way too much..and that is just another form of hurting myself)
are you safe my friend?
peace
j

 

Re: Depression is black justyourlaugh

Posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 9:10:45

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 9:00:06

Hey S
Congrats on the 3 weeks. No worries, I'm safe. My SI never gets too damaging. I just like to bleed and see bruises. I burned myself on the toaster this morning and I ran the burn under hot water just for the pain it brought. I cut slices in my arms or scratch off layers of skin or punch walls until my knuckles bleed and swell. NOthing fatal. I just need somewhere to focus my attention so my mind doesn't go completely off the deep end. You know? A good flow of blood or constant pain in one spot always does the trick. It's a release.....but it doesn't last. I wish it would.

 

Re: Depression is a trigger

Posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 9:46:39

In reply to Re: Depression is black justyourlaugh, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 9:10:45

wow tina,,
you should have warned me yor post was a trigger..
jk..
i understand the need for a good 'ole fashion "blood letting"..
but you still dont sound safe..
"be safe" tina...dont give into the demons...
love
j

 

Re: Depression is black tina

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 9:59:46

In reply to Re: Depression is black justyourlaugh, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 9:10:45

Hi Tina. I'm sorry you're feeling bad enough to need to self injure, but I'm very relieved to hear you do it safely.

I don't think those who don't self injure understand how self harm can really be self help (as long as it's done safely), and that the consequences of not doing it can be worse than a bit of damage to the skin. At least, I sure can't convince them of that. :(

Which is not to say that I don't try to find other methods of coping, because I do. But even with my promise to my therapist, there are times I can't stop myself. And then I just try to minimize damage.

I hope you feel better soon, Tina.

 

Re: Depression is a trigger justyourlaugh

Posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 10:17:32

In reply to Re: Depression is a trigger, posted by justyourlaugh on April 22, 2003, at 9:46:39

I am safe S. I'm not going to mortally wound myself. It's just necessary to release the emotions. No other way really works as well.
I'm safe. Don't worry. I'm sure it will pass eventually. It always does.
thanks for worrying though. I needed to know someone cared. I should know that I can always count on you.
lv tina

 

Re: Depression is black Dinah

Posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 10:21:29

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 9:59:46


> Which is not to say that I don't try to find other methods of coping, because I do. But even with my promise to my therapist, there are times I can't stop myself. And then I just try to minimize damage.
>
> I hope you feel better soon, Tina.

Thanks Dinah. I don't hold out much hope of ever getting much better. I mean, I feel better for a limited time and then I feel bad again. It always comes back. Thanks for understanding that sometimes nothing else will do.
hugs
tina

 

Re: Depression is black

Posted by gabbix2 on April 22, 2003, at 11:18:04

In reply to Re: Depression is black Dinah, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 10:21:29

Hi Tina
I'm sorry, many many hugs to you.
I think it was just 5 weeks ago I thought I found my miracle. Now I feel like such a twit for effusing, for thinking I could ever feel functional for more than a week.
So hard to keep fighting a battle when the only reward seems to be that you feel less horrible for a few days. Lucky US!
I'm glad we found others who understand though
I can't imagine going through this alone.
Here's to waiting it out.. again.

Xo
GG

 

PS Tina?

Posted by gabbix2 on April 22, 2003, at 14:26:01

In reply to Re: Depression is black, posted by gabbix2 on April 22, 2003, at 11:18:04

When you were on Manerix, did you gain any weight?
((Tina))

 

Re: PS Tina? gabbix2

Posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 15:53:47

In reply to PS Tina?, posted by gabbix2 on April 22, 2003, at 14:26:01

actually Gabbi, just the opposite. I lost weight.
I'm gaining like crazy on the effexor though. It's yet another thing depressing me. :(
tinaxxoo

 

Re: Depression is black tina

Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 16:08:40

In reply to Re: Depression is black Dinah, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 10:21:29

Yeah. It always comes back. I wonder what normal feels like.

 

Tina Here is a link for you

Posted by gabbix2 on April 22, 2003, at 16:25:26

In reply to Re: PS Tina? gabbix2, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 15:53:47

Regarding Meds and weight gain help
http://www.psycheducation.org/hormones/Insulin/

I'm sorry I don't know how to put links in my posts

A lot of what I gained on Effexor was water, that might be the case with you. One more word and this is going to be redirected I know.

 

tina

Posted by sienna on April 22, 2003, at 17:33:22

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 9:59:46

did you try ice ever? becuause it helps for me holding it is grouding and i feel real. depend what is SI for. for me i dont feel real. im plastic not real and i dont feel at all. but with ice and you can get the plastic ice cube and hold them and it dose help me and also for flasbacks.

i dont now why.
i hope it helps some.
sienna

 

Re: Depression is back tina

Posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 18:37:48

In reply to Depression is back, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 8:44:40

"I feel like curling up on a soft piece of earth and sinking into oblivion"

For me, it's a dark cloud that I can always see out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes it's directly over head - all encompassing. Other times, it's just barely there in my peripheral vision.

My mother calls hers "the fog."

 

Re: Depression is back--Gabbi, Sienna, Leeran

Posted by tina on April 23, 2003, at 8:04:51

In reply to Re: Depression is back tina, posted by leeran on April 22, 2003, at 18:37:48

thanks for the input sienna and leeran. I'll try the ice idea sienna. Leeran, I've heard it referred to as a fog before but it has never felt that way to me. it comes on so fast. It's never lingering in that way, I feel fantastic and then very suddenly, I feel horrible. It's a very big swing and it's always quite abrupt.
It's my rollercoaster.
Gabbi, thanks for the link hun. I'll check it out.

thanks everyone for caring so much. I appreciate it more than you know.
love to all
tina

 

Re: Depression is black Dinah

Posted by tina on April 23, 2003, at 8:05:57

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2003, at 16:08:40

> Yeah. It always comes back. I wonder what normal feels like.

Tell me about it Dinah. I look around at "normal" people and I just want to run up and ask them how they do it.

 

Re: Depression is black tina

Posted by noa on April 24, 2003, at 7:01:21

In reply to Re: Depression is black Dinah, posted by tina on April 22, 2003, at 10:21:29

>>I don't hold out much hope of ever getting much better. I mean, I feel better for a limited time and then I feel bad again. It always comes back

Tina, the difference is that your better times seem to me to be lasting a WHOLE LOT LONGER!!

My experience is that my better times started to last longer, and then my depressions started to get shorter, over time.

I know that when I got depressed again, I had the same feeling of it never going away, never getting better, etc. etc. But that thinking is, as you know, a symptom of the depression.

I still have anxiety about my depression--not knowing if/when it will return, etc. And it leaves me feeling not so confident in my reliability to myself and others--ie, if an episode hits, having some time at lower level of functioning, etc. But I do know that as I said, the better times last longer as time goes by and the depressions not quite as severe and definitely not as long.

Do you get depression about depression? I do--it is an extra layer added on that totally complicates it and makes it worse. It is the feeling of total disappointment in onesself for getting depressed. But it is important to try to turn off the judgment about that and try to learn to say, OK, this is another episode, it is not my fault.

Tina, I have seen you here for about 4 years now. And you have lately seemd to be in a completely different place than you were back then. Coping better. Longer times between episodes. So, it is not necessarily so that the depression is here to stay again. Perhaps it is just an episode, and won't last forever. And better mood will return, hopefully sooner than it would have a few years ago, and last longer, as indeed has been happening, it seems to me.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself. TLC for the duration of the episode.

 

Re: Depression is black

Posted by whiterabbit on April 24, 2003, at 9:03:52

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by noa on April 24, 2003, at 7:01:21

Noa is right as rain. Other people will start noticing the improvement in you before you do.
That was my experience too.
-Gracie

 

Re: Depression is black noa

Posted by tina on April 24, 2003, at 14:17:46

In reply to Re: Depression is black tina, posted by noa on April 24, 2003, at 7:01:21

It'll be three years on the 8th of May Noa. I do get depressed about depression. I start to feel sorry for myself and wonder "why me?" and then I feel lower and lower as I berate myself for being whiney. Then I feel guilty and the depression worsens more still.
Vicious cycle.
I try to notice it coming but my episodes seem to just land on me haphazardly and very suddenly. No warning, just immediate crash.
It's frustrating and that leads to anxiety and the anxiety leads to more depression. It feels hopeless so I feel hopeless. It's all so complicated, isn't it?

 

Re: It's all so complicated tina

Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 14:49:19

In reply to Re: Depression is black noa, posted by tina on April 24, 2003, at 14:17:46

"It's all so complicated, isn't it?"

Amen, sister! I'm always reminded of "when she was good, she was very good, but when she was bad she was awful" or whatever that old line is.

"She" in this instance would be, I suppose, my overall sense of well-being (or not so well being).

For me, it's like standing at the bottom of some dark, slippery, filthy pit and knowing that I'm going to have to get really dirty, and really tired, and really scared before I get to the top.

AND, there are the "what ifs" - what if I make it to the top but I can't hoist my big butt over the edge and end up sliding back down? What if I get out and fall in again? What if someday I fall in and never get out?

No wonder my ex said I was "okay, but I could be 'dark'!" There's the dark cloud, the dark pit, and all points in between.

BUT THEN, there are the good days. But, does anyone else feel (on the good days) like there's something missing (i.e. worrying about everything). I think JYL mentioned something similar in a post.

I guess we get comfortable with what we know, even if it's worrying, negative thoughts, guilt, self-recrimination, etc. Sometimes my familiar devil is less frightening than the devil I don't know (worn out cliche day). I've learned to dance with him and look like I'm enjoying it.

I've never done any long-term therapy, just spurts here and there in relation to marriage. I'm starting to think it's part of my missing link.

A friend of mine called yesterday, beating the "therapy" drums. She knows I'm out of the pit when I answer her calls (or make the effort to pick up the phone to call her), so she makes hay while the sun shines (a cliche a day . . . ), calling me more than once, leaving messages like "I was just going to tell you that if you decide to go ahead with therapy . . . "

I know she means well and therapy (12 or more years - once a week) has done wonders for her, but I really want to get my meds adjusted before I go blabbing my life history to someone I might not even end up trusting/liking.

I would really like to just write it all up in a neat little package, drop it off and say "Okay, here's the background and now here's $____ to cover your time reading it. Let's get together once you've read the prospectus."

I feel the same way when I go to our favorite little restaurant down the street and a new waiter/waitress comes to the table. I just wish I had a pre-printed card to hand over to simplify things (because damn it, I am complicated). I want dressing on my salad but an extra little container of dressing, "just in case." I do NOT want capers but my husband wants them on the side. I like my drink in a "to go" cup because I have issues with the rims of plastic restaurant glasses."

Yep, it is all so complicated.


 

Re: I think you've solved the problem leeran

Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2003, at 17:08:56

In reply to Re: It's all so complicated tina, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 14:49:19

Of switching mental health practitioners.

> I would really like to just write it all up in a neat little package, drop it off and say "Okay, here's the background and now here's $____ to cover your time reading it. Let's get together once you've read the prospectus."
>

Then they could come up with a plan of action and accompanying proposal. And we could sort through them and decide which one to choose. It would shift the power nexus back to us.

I hate mental health practioner shopping so much that one has to be pretty bad for me to leave.

 

Re: It's all so complicated leeran

Posted by tina on April 25, 2003, at 14:35:31

In reply to Re: It's all so complicated tina, posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 14:49:19

>
> For me, it's like standing at the bottom of some dark, slippery, filthy pit and knowing that I'm going to have to get really dirty, and really tired, and really scared before I get to the top.
>
> AND, there are the "what ifs" - what if I make it to the top but I can't hoist my big butt over the edge and end up sliding back down? What if I get out and fall in again? What if someday I fall in and never get out?


EXACTLY!!! Perfect description.
>

BUT THEN, there are the good days. But, does anyone else feel (on the good days) like there's something missing (i.e. worrying about everything). I think JYL mentioned something similar in a post.


It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.(cliche of my own lol) I'm always thinking "this can't really be happening. It's not possible for me to have a good day....what's wrong? Something MUST be wrong. Bad....I know but it's not easy to stop thinking this way.
>
>
> I would really like to just write it all up in a neat little package, drop it off and say "Okay, here's the background and now here's $____ to cover your time reading it. Let's get together once you've read the prospectus."


That's what I'd like. Just to have it all written down and pass it out and then start the therapy. Explaining it again and again, in different ways to different people. It's what makes the therapist shopping such a chore. Then, when I do find one I like and start feeling better, those thoughts of "this can't be" come up again and I end up sabotaging the therapy experience and come up with some excuse not to continue.
>

It is quite complicated, isn't it.
Here's to simplicity, somehow, sometime.


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