Psycho-Babble Social Thread 29367

Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

Pretty much off meds for the last few weeks...just
a few granules of effexor to keep the withdrawal at bay...
I'm feeling really oversensitive...crying a lot, thinking
all my friends hate me (I just accidentally typed 'help' me)
an interesting positive Freudian slip. Just miserable.
And at the same time, my body is coming to life...I don't instantaneously
put on weight everytime I eat something...I'm having the most killer
orgasms...and I am moved to tears sometimes by JOY too. Most of
the time I'm sitting around crying and feeling really crappy about
myself and thinking that everybody hates me. This is the main reason
I went on drugs...so I could have peace of mind, and interact with other
human beings in a somewhat "normal" way.
I write a monthly interview for a paper here and I was going to interview
this famous astrologer that I REALLY like a lot....I've been a big fan
of his for a long time...it was like going to interview my hero. But I
was crying the whole way there, praying that the tears would stop and that
I could act normal just for an hour, just long enough to interview him.
I was crying because I can't seem to get over this past relationship I
was in....it was only a 6 month relationship and it's been 3 months and
I still cry over him, get angry over it. One of my friends sent me an email
that mentioned his name and I just burst into tears. I did the same thing
yesterday. I thought "why am I not over this guy? Why? Is it just depression and
has nothing to do with him?" Something tells me if I was on meds I would be
over this by now and it's the depression keeping me stuck on it. I think thoughts
like 'he doesn't even think twice about me', and 'I'll always be alone because of
depression, no one will be able to deal with me or vice versa'. Just doom and gloom
man.....
I don't know what I'm even trying to get across now...I just long for
some sense of human connection. But I feel so damn pathetic and lonely and
unhappy that I know I can't really connect in any sort of positive or authentic, two
way street kind of way. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm so afraid I'm going to
be alone for the rest of my life, that depression will continue to swallow everything
that gets in it's path.
My meds have been totally screwed for the past 4 months. Nothing has
worked right. I've got a sample of prozac weekly to try (and topamax)
but I've been putting off starting it because I've been enjoying these orgasms
so much and I know that'll all be history once I'm on those freaking numbing-ass
ssri's. I'm so bitter about that. I know some people think that stuff is
petty and that I should just take my meds and suck it up, but I don't care--that's
how I feel. It makes me really bitter that I have to trade my sexual self for my
sanity. I'm also supposed to start acupuncture for depression this week, and so I'm trying
to hold off for that reason too. Even though I really don't feel it's going
to work. I just have a feeling. Maybe it's just because I don't feel hopeful about
much of anything lately. I feel like such a pathetic human being, I really do.

Anyway, I ended up being able to interview the astrologer guy
without crying. It was a good interview. By the time we were
through, I didn't feel as sad about the Ex anymore. When I went
home for lunch there was a birthday card from the Ex. Very, very
short (I hope you're happy in your life, happy birthday, thank you for what
we shared), but I was touched that he remembered and that he bothered. It
was really nice. I'm still so not over him.

That's it folks. Write me. Please. I'm beggin' ya.
I aint too proud to beg. This disease definitely teaches
you humility doesn't it. Hmmm...that might be a good thread
to start...what has our depression taught us...given us, that
we wouldn't have had otherwise?

 

Re: Ramblings...

Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 13:56:46

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

For what it's worth, Roo, I felt the same way when I went off Luvox after four years on. I felt every little thing to an extreme degree. And the orgasms!! I had to go home every day for "lunch". ;) I just couldn't get enough.

But I also felt unbelievably unstable.

Eventually both the good and bad wore off and things went back to "normal" for me. Definitely more feelings than on SSRI's but not as strong as those first few months. I am still on a very small dose of Depakote and Klonopin as needed, and I generously supplement my medication with therapy. I see my therapy as being like insulin for a diabetic. It manages to substitute for anti-depressants for me. I'm just saying it works for me, and it may not work for everyone.

If things ever got really bad again, I guess I'd take an SSRI again, but things would have to be pretty bad. I'm rather fond of orgasms too. :)

So have hope. A lot of your emotional instability right now might wear off. Is there any chance of using a mood stabilizer or other medication in place of an SSRI?

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 27, 2002, at 13:56:49

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

Hi sweety, don't have much time to write now, but I've sure been there with the body alive head in the toilet effect of coming off meds. It's a rotten trade-off to make I know. Wish I could do something besides commiserate.
Tabby

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo

Posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 14:05:39

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

Hi know exactly how you feel ..Im on the same pathetic road as you...I have never ever felt so bad ...man I'm in my forties and I never new what it was like to loose a mate ... that you love too...She has BPD and I didn't find out for 10 months after I fell in love with her ...Something snapped in her and she treated me like a slave...because I loved her I hung in there..well she dumped me 2 months ago and I am timing the trains going by...I was taking effexor but stopped today..Its been 10 days and I'm getting worse...So if you would like to talk to me ...that would be nice...goldmedal@rogers.com

Robin

 

More ramblings

Posted by Greg A. on August 27, 2002, at 14:09:12

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

Roo,
May I join the pathetic individual’s social society as well? We both know it’s the disease talking but it certainly seems real doesn’t it. Your description of the ups and downs of your day really fits for me right now. I just can’t seem to get past the idea that nothing is worthwhile and there is no purpose to my life. I am sure from the outside looking in, I appear to have a full life and even I can total up the balance sheet and see that there are a lot of pluses. So why does it feel so empty and futile? Even the simplest task sets me wondering, ‘Why bother?’ Or, ‘It’s too much effort.’ Like you I seem to be in constant turmoil with meds. And damn it! They always seem to work . . . for awhile. If they didn’t work at all, perhaps I wouldn’t know that there was anything better.
I find it hard to deal with the quick return to a depressed state. It seems I no sooner started to feel relief from my last depressed episode, than I began another. I just feel lost in the sense of something that gives purpose and meaning to my life. Surely I am not here to mechanically perform chores, go to work, drive kids around and so on. Where did the pleasure go? Where did the anticipation of another day go? I do not dread each day so much as I see another series of tasks to get through. It does not take long until you are looking for some way to break out of this rut.
I feel like I am useless at my job . . . though I am not.
I feel a failure as a father . . . though I am not.
I worry that friends and colleagues have no respect for me . . . but I have little for myself
I am indifferent and irritable toward my wife . . . who does more to help me than anyone.
I desperately crave things I think will make me happy . . . though I know they won’t.
I often think of suicide as an escape from fear . . . but I am too frightened to do it.
Do I qualify as pathetic?

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by Medusa on August 27, 2002, at 14:12:54

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

> just
> a few granules of effexor to keep the withdrawal at bay...

Oh man I've been through this, know this story, hate/love(? when it works) venlafaxine. The difference just a few granules makes, the short half-life, ech.


Hey I want to write a long post, but it's past my bed-time (EST +6 here) and DH is eating supper and I have my back to him, so I'm going to sign off and check back in tomorrow.

Stay the course, okay?

M

 

Re: More ramblings » Greg A.

Posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 14:17:07

In reply to More ramblings, posted by Greg A. on August 27, 2002, at 14:09:12

Greg I don't really think we are pathetic...I think we are just sick and tired souls lost in the world..Sorry to hear about your emptiness

Robin

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone this is my email » Robin.d.j

Posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 14:23:03

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo, posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 14:05:39

goldmedal@rogers.com

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo

Posted by nikioct73 on August 27, 2002, at 16:33:55

In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42

Hey Roo...
I was sitting here bawling reading your post..jeeze it crazy how unsettling how someone elses pain can mirror your own...I'm off meds too..and yup the ONLY good thing is being able to Cum again...(reminds me pick up D batterys...)I still have my ex living with me (downstairs lol..)and just looking at him reminds me of what a shmuck I am ...lousy lousy lousy...well maybe someday soon we can all wstart a thread on how wonderful it is being back on med's and how much we don't miss sex and our former loves...cha...well here's to hope!

Niki

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 21:14:38

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo, posted by nikioct73 on August 27, 2002, at 16:33:55

Hey Niki know that feeling ..I am not feeling very good..I did come today without my ..Ex...I hate doing this to myself..God why me ..what did I do to deserve the slow death from hell??? I hate myself for what is happenning to me ...what did I do????And I hate the feeling of not being happy ...man why me???
Robin

 

Re: Thanks Everyone--will write more later

Posted by Roo on August 28, 2002, at 10:08:50

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 21:14:38

Just wanted to say thank you. I will write everyone
individually tomorrow....I just came in briefly to
work and to check my email (and this site too of course),
but it's my birthday and I AINT workin'! I'm going to go
to the gourmet grocery store and get lots of good, luxurious,
too expensive food, and then hole up with videos (it's a rainy
day here)....I just got done with my acupuncture appt., and it
made me feel very peaceful. We shall see. I am going to
try and hold off on going back on meds for another month and give
this a chance....

Thanks to you all--will write more soon

 

Re: Ramblings...

Posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:02:46

In reply to Re: Ramblings..., posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 13:56:46

> For what it's worth, Roo, I felt the same way
when I went off Luvox after four years on.
I felt every little thing to an extreme degree.
And the orgasms!! I had to go home every day
for "lunch". ;) I just couldn't get enough.


Damn, this made me really laugh, Dinah. I do that same
thing, go home for "lunch" :-D

>
> But I also felt unbelievably unstable.
>
> Eventually both the good and bad wore off and
things went back to "normal" for me. Definitely
more feelings than on SSRI's but not as strong
as those first few months. I am still on a very
small dose of Depakote and Klonopin as needed,
and I generously supplement my medication with
therapy. I see my therapy as being like insulin
for a diabetic. It manages to substitute for
anti-depressants for me. I'm just saying it works
for me, and it may not work for everyone.


That's interesting. Well it's encouraging to think that the
_oversensitivity_ may lessen with time...hopefully the paranoid
"everybody hates me" thing will lessen too. I would love it if
I can make this work...not take an ssri...they work really well
for me in so many ways, but the cost is pretty high...part of me
is both horrified and fascinated by how volatile and emotional I
am...crying at tv commercials and stuff...being so moved by a song...
that's the nice part. It's the relationship stuff that always drives
me back to drugs, b/c it's really hard on me and other people how
needy and insecure I am off meds...but maybe I can work through that
with therapy and meditation...maybe...we'll see...I'm scared...
>
> If things ever got really bad again, I guess I'd take an SSRI
again, but things would have to be pretty bad.
I'm rather fond of orgasms too. :)


I hear ya, sister. You seem pretty stable. I don't see you posting
about losing your mind much here. You mostly seem to comfort and offer
sound advice to other people. I'm one of your fans :-)

>
> So have hope. A lot of your emotional
instability right now might wear off. Is
there any chance of using a mood stabilizer
or other medication in place of an SSRI?

There is a chance, actually. I did quite well on lamictal...but
gained a lot of weight on it and couldn't sleep hardly at all. I've
got some topomax to try, I just haven't tried it yet. It's definitely
an option I've considered. Neurotin works to chill me out quite a
bit too, I've noticed, but it's kind of short acting, short half life, etc.
My p-doc has mentioned depakote quite a few times, but I'm real leary of
the weight gain.

Thanks for your response, Dinah...it really did help me to feel more
hopeful :-)
>
>

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:06:49

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo, posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 14:05:39

> Hi know exactly how you feel ..Im on the
same pathetic road as you...I have never
ever felt so bad ...man I'm in my forties
and I never new what it was like to loose
a mate ... that you love too...She has BPD
and I didn't find out for 10 months after I
fell in love with her ...Something snapped
in her and she treated me like a slave...
because I loved her I hung in there..well
she dumped me 2 months ago and I am timing
the trains going by...I was taking effexor
but stopped today..Its been 10 days and I'm
getting worse...So if you would like to talk
to me ...that would be nice...goldmedal@rogers.co
m
>

Robin--I'm sorry to hear of your breakup. They are so tough
aren't they? Especially on the ole self esteem... It's funny
how relationships can make your self esteem soar when they're going
well and crash when they aren't....Probably a sign to love ourselves
regardless of whether when in a relationship or not...hard to do (for me)...
I place a lot of my own value on my relationships.

Effexor may not be the drug for you. I felt worse on it and had to
get off. Man, it was so, so hard. Once you get through the withdrawal
and onto something that works, you will feel a lot better....

Hang in there, fellow-broken heart--Roo
> Robin

 

Re: More ramblings--Greg A.

Posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:13:19

In reply to More ramblings, posted by Greg A. on August 27, 2002, at 14:09:12

I just feel
lost in the sense of something that gives
purpose and meaning to my life. Surely I am
not here to mechanically perform chores, go to work, drive kids
around and so on. Where did the pleasure go?
Where did the anticipation of another day go?
I do not dread each day so much as I see another
series of tasks to get through.


How long have you felt like this?


> I feel like I am useless at my job . . . though I am not.
> I feel a failure as a father . . . though I am not.
> I worry that friends and colleagues have no respect for me . . . but I have little for myself
> I am indifferent and irritable toward my wife . . . who does more to help me than anyone.
> I desperately crave things I think will make me happy . . . though I know they won’t.
> I often think of suicide as an escape from fear . . . but I am too frightened to do it.
> Do I qualify as pathetic?


No, you don't qualify as pathetic....just in pain, that's all. I wish I
could help somehow...and like you say, it's just the disease talking...
Doesn't make it any less painful though...

I've never thought you've come across as a pathetic person on
this board....you always seem compassionate with others...

Have you ever thought about ECT...since the meds never work (I have).

How are you today?
>

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic...

Posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:16:31

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo, posted by nikioct73 on August 27, 2002, at 16:33:55

> Hey Roo...
> I was sitting here bawling reading your post..jeeze it crazy how unsettling how someone elses pain can mirror your own...I'm off meds too..and yup the ONLY good thing is being able to Cum again...(reminds me pick up D batterys...)I still have my ex living with me (downstairs lol..)and just looking at him reminds me of what a shmuck I am ...lousy lousy lousy...well maybe someday soon we can all wstart a thread on how wonderful it is being back on med's and how much we don't miss sex and our former loves...cha...well here's to hope!
>
> Niki

Hey Niki...

So tell me more about your situation...why are you off meds...
what happened with boyfriend...it must be hard living in the
same place as him...ugh..pain...
>
>

 

Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic... » Roo

Posted by nikioct73 on August 29, 2002, at 17:08:30

In reply to Re: Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:16:31

Hi..

"AL" and I have dated on/off for four years lived together since 99' when I moved all the way from CT to TX (MUCH to the dismay of my family)..moved back to CT after a year..and broke up after about three months back here..that was last year he has mutilple issuse himself with childhood...and ex wife and well...ex son.(has not seen him since he was three months old.)also is cyclothymic like me..never in Tx never on med's ( he talks abotut it every once in a while)so I bet you can imagine what our life was like...crazyness brought us together and drove us apart..he moved out for awhile last year Aug to Dec then moved back in and our 'relationship' only made it two more months..we have lived together as "room mates' ever since...he says he can't not afford to move out on his own..and I'm a shmuck for him as I always have been..I just can't seem to get 'over' as they say ..him..before him I never would have put up with any kind of crap from a man..but him...I honestly love him and all the time I've been with him have never considered being with anyone else...My soul feels content when I'm with him..i could be in a whole room full of people and if he was not there I would feel lonely..i probably will never know how much of these intence emotions is my mental issues and what is real at this point..he knows how I feel...he lives downstairs and I live up...( we have a no guest rule..)now being off med's I feel like I'm going through the loss of 'us' all over again..and each day is very hard to get through...and he see's this..I told him I'm off med's so he is walking on egg shells..he IS an asshole...:)..but he does try to be human every once in a while he is just a very selfish guy..and he comes first..I'm not sure what the future hold for either one of us...somehow we always seem to be drawn to one another...both knowing how very different and stubbern each is..jeeze did you open a whole can of worms.....it a long story and this is the ver short version...but yes it IS painful and thank god today is an ok day ...so I'm not bawling through this thread..

niki

 

Re: Ramblings... » Roo

Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2002, at 21:48:55

In reply to Re: Ramblings..., posted by Roo on August 29, 2002, at 9:02:46

Thanks Roo. I'm glad I was able to help. :)

I don't want to make it sound like I'm on really stable ground now. I'm not really good at sharing the bad stuff, so while it might not show here on the board, there are still some unstable times. And some good times. But my therapist really helps, somehow. I don't quite understand it, but with my therapist offering a stability of a sort, and my depakote offering a stability of a sort, I am able to stay off Luvox.

Those SSRI's are such a trade off. And it is a blessing to me to have a pdoc who understands that. He told me there were side effects from taking the meds and side effects from not taking them, and I could choose which ones I would prefer. A sensible guy.

 

Re: More ramblings » Greg A.

Posted by butterfly58 on September 5, 2002, at 14:10:15

In reply to More ramblings, posted by Greg A. on August 27, 2002, at 14:09:12

May I join also. I just stumbled onto this thread. I feel so much like Greg A, I could have written the same thing except I have no family and I am female and 44. No purpose in life, no reason to live just broke up with a boyfirend for the millionth time. Feels like I will never succeed. On the outside looking in, I appear to have it made. I have everything (so it seems). I know other people would love to be me, but if they only knew. All I want to do in life is love and be loved. But that one small items seems to elude me. I feel worthless and useless. I too contemplated suicide but because of my religious beliefs I can't. If I go the suicide route, I will end up in Hell for all eternity. I guess I would rather be in pain for a finite time rather than an infinite time like eternity. Sometimes I pray that I will die. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. It is getting lonely after 44 years.


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