Psycho-Babble Social Thread 25900

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Re: Phat dose of truth since I'm tired » Alii

Posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 3:13:14

In reply to Phat dose of truth since I'm tired, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 0:49:15

Alii, am I lost or am I just thick tonight? What's twisted about your plans? I don't get it. I make a list & tick things off too but I don't consider it anal, just that I'm very forgetful & need to make sure I've done what I mean to.

I'm not saying you're not seriously depressed but I can't find anything wrong in the way you've laid out your next two days. Want to explain for my misunderstanding mind?

 

a little clarity » IsoM

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 7:56:31

In reply to Re: Phat dose of truth since I'm tired » Alii, posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 3:13:14

IsoM,

you're not thick. I wasn't very clear with what I mean by my out on Tuesday. Death. Despair. The total and complete logical conclusion that I should spend Tuesday getting final plans final. Catch my drift now?

--a.

just woke up to tears and panic

 

clarity...hah! what a crock

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:15:49

In reply to a little clarity » IsoM, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 7:56:31

I'm just concerned that this is the constant message I struggle against with depression.....one of getting opportunity to escape banal existence that depression has made my life over past several years. Many people suggest that I adjust and learn to love moments of life that shine through darkness.

Screw them! Seriously. Why should I accept a dulled life devoid of my art, my ability to think, do, be?

I feel a ramble coming on and don't want to lose my cool here.

I am only venting that I'm tired of constant fight I wage against irrational thoughts of offing myself......but not actively suicidal.....look only those who feel, or have felt as I do know what I'm talking about so really don't push any don't die crap on me please.

a.

 

just because I know the face of my demon...

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:33:22

In reply to clarity...hah! what a crock, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:15:49

...doesn't make each battle any easier. Just because I'm aware of the tricks depression throws in my path does not make dealing with them any easier.

I still feel like a pile of *&@!# I avoid the people who can help me the most because my mind tells me they are sick of me not 'getting well'. I know the untruth in the former sentence and am saying I am tired of fighting this fight.

SO fricking sick of seeing what each day brings......the fun cycle of this hell I exist in.

wah...woe is me....and so on

yawn

 

clarity, hurt feelings, and more » Alii

Posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 8:45:57

In reply to clarity...hah! what a crock, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:15:49

Alii:

I guess what threw us all off is your plans to pick up your "partner" at the airport on Wednesday. I read your post, which included returning home to escape this hell, and I thought you were still on vacation and were planning to get things for your return home from your hellish island paradise. Anyway, it wasn't clear that "out" meant "suicide," especially since your post was calm.

> Many people suggest that I adjust and learn to love moments of life that shine through darkness. Screw them! Seriously.

You're right. Screw me and the rest of us for not cheering you on to your end. Seriously.

It was my mistaken belief that you wanted help, that you were looking for some coping skills, that you wanted to know people cared about you and that you've made a difference in our lives.

> Why should I accept a dulled life devoid of my art, my ability to think, do, be?

I don't think anyone suggested you should. We--rather, I, as I don't want to speak for others, am trying to help you find ways to change that, to encourage your art, to help you cope, etc.

> I am only venting that I'm tired of constant fight I wage against irrational thoughts of offing myself......but not actively suicidal.....look only those who feel, or have felt as I do know what I'm talking about so really don't push any don't die crap on me please.

I can understand venting. I have done it to my family for almost four years now. And it wears them down something awful. But what is "die crap"? What do you mean? And what do you want from people here?

Would it be better if, when you vented, we simply said, "Okay. We hear you!"? Would you prefer no responses? Do you just want folks to commiserate?

Because I don't want to offer you any of the ideas that have worked for me after I was so down I couldn't talk and my body just shook violently for days and I wanted to die because I thought my infant, then toddler, than child deserved a mommy who could be there for her. I don't want to tell you how I have not been that way for two years, as I have continued to get better and cope with it better. Because I don't want to be told, "Screw you!"

I'm sorry to be so hard on you, Alii, but for some reason I really do care about you. Of all the lost souls on this board, you and Angel Girl have hit me hard. And rather than feeling sorry for you right now, I'm feeling sorry for me. I don't know why, but I guess the "screw them" part really hurt my feelings.

And I don't mean to turn your thread around to me, but maybe there's some significance in that at this moment. I don't know. See, my "moments of life that shine through the darkness" used to occur, until Friday, at the park, where I have walked my dogs every day for nine years. And now that someone held a gun on me there, that is gone. And I am so f*cking angry and sad and sick about it, I don't know what to do myself.

But here I am still. Trying to help you. Because there is some darkness shining through the dark that needs some light right now.

a very teary beardy : (>

 

Beardy!

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:53:54

In reply to clarity, hurt feelings, and more » Alii, posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 8:45:57

No none of this is personal to anyone......I am truly spouting off about how scared and sick I am of how I'm feeling. Not meaning to say literal screw you to anyone on this board.........I've had people in real life over past five years offer up chipper little tidbits of life to try to help.....I understand people wanting to help but can you understand when even that help...no matter how genuine or true or kindly offered up still rubs the wrong way?

I meant nothing to harm you and now feel even worse for hurting you with my vent.

sorry great bearded one

for you I hold great respect and am saddened that I have hurt you :(

a.

 

I just want to help. Don't feel worse. (nm) » Alii

Posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 9:03:48

In reply to Beardy! , posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:53:54

 

this is what happens when....

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 9:08:59

In reply to Beardy! , posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:53:54

...the innercritic has been hushed by lack of sleep and morning panic.

I let down mask of doing well and holding it together somewhat and let some real me hang out......clumsy and oafishly I do this as I lack some social graces.

I hurt inside so much of the time....how much is from traumas I have survived? how much is from the depression hell I live? does it matter?

I am not giving in to these dark thoughts I have nor am I willing to throw in the towel yet anyway. I claw and fight and struggle against depression every day and each moment in my life.

Without a therapist I'm sorely lacking 'more appropriate' venues to air my dirty laundry.....my pain......my truth.......my hellish life that pains me because I know that more than half the thoughts in my head on any given day are depressive rubbish

Panic does not become me.

Apologies to any who find my reality ugly.

--a.

 

am I looking for this?

Posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 9:15:40

In reply to clarity, hurt feelings, and more » Alii, posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 8:45:57

>>>Would it be better if, when you vented, we simply said, "Okay. We hear you!"? Would you prefer no responses? Do you just want folks to commiserate?<<<

Beardy,

I don't know what I want. But I do see your kindness and hope you know that even that gets through my grouchy angry outer shell that I woke up in today.

I don't know how to get out this fear I live with inside of me. Not sure what I need but after experiencing utter meltdown in 94/95 and being on medications since then I've heard just about every suggestion for depression.....tried many alternative therapies in conjunction with the standard drug em up with pills we don't understand method of modern psychiatry.

I shoulda stopped back when I said I feel a rant coming on....

this is some of the inner crud that makes up me

 

relentless waves of depression... » Alii

Posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 14:59:37

In reply to clarity...hah! what a crock, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:15:49

I think I understand, Alii. I really think I do. I'm too darn cheerful to be around right now, but it's not hard for me to remember dragging on & on in the dregs of life. Nothing mattered then. Food didn't taste good, no matter what it was. I had no energy or desire to do anything. Anything I truly loved & enjoyed felt completely flat. Nothing struck me as even slightly humourous. I knew I loved my sons & my cats but I didn't feel anything for them. I didn't hurt for them when they were hurt & that's so unlike me.

I just quietly groaned in my spirit but to no one in reality. I felt like a broken record of despair. And even though mine didn't go on as long as yours, it felt eternal, endless. I saw nothing better or different would ever happen. I just dragged on through life, counting each day, sometimes each hour, off.

No one & nothing could've encouraged me then. Thankfully, I slept lots. I just wanted the days to drift by in a sleepy stupor. I wanted so bad to be put to sleep & if anything ever changed, then someone could wake me. Not actively planning suicide but wishing I didn't exist ever. That way, no one else would be hurt by me being gone.

Moan & groan on. It was my way of silently screaming in agony. Let it be yours if nothing else helps.

 

Re: Phat dose of truth since I'm tired

Posted by SusanG on June 30, 2002, at 18:35:30

In reply to Phat dose of truth since I'm tired, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 0:49:15

Alii, I tried to find you online but was unsuccessful. I left you a message on instant messenger; read it when you get a chance. I'm thinking of you.
Sue

 

amber waves of grain... mmmmm grain..... » Alii

Posted by kid_A on June 30, 2002, at 18:49:26

In reply to am I looking for this?, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 9:15:40


listen here missy, i tell you what you gotta do; straighten up and fly right! ya know why? cause i'm the boss, applesauce, and what i say goes!

maybe if you spent less time taken them chemicals that them medical type know nothing know it alls give ya and a few more hours a day reading your bible you wouldnt be in this mess your in!

your in a hole hunny, and damn it, iffin ya dont gotta climb your way out!

>...grouchy angry outer shell that I woke up in today.

mmmmmmm... crunchy candy outer shell...

> I don't know how to get out this fear I live with inside of me.

know what mamma always said, if it taint broke, dont fix it. every since those big brains in the ivory tower started trying to mess around with human nature we got all sorts or people sproutin up saying they got postraumatic hoo-hah, or attention deficity yackety yack... nuts and double nuts to that.... id like to quote a random page of the good lords book when i say: "whom dost thou pass in beauty? go down, and be thou laid with the uncircumcised" no sassafras that was random and right outa the king james... i think that pretty much sums it all up.

>I've heard just about every suggestion for depression...

have you tried streaking, or cow tipping, or gettin sh##t faced offa strawberry hill wine... works for me... and no fancy pants chemicals ta boot!

> I shoulda stopped back when I said I feel a rant coming on....

funny, mamma always told me that i shoulda always stopped talkin' two sentences earlier than i did..... never quite understood the woman, but i think she reared me right...

> this is some of the inner crud that makes up me

mmmmmm.... inner crumbs...

.
.
.
.
.
.
kA

 

Re: Phat dose of truth since I'm tired

Posted by ShelliR on June 30, 2002, at 22:11:35

In reply to Phat dose of truth since I'm tired, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 0:49:15

I'm confused but then again I haven't read many of Alli's posts.

I believe Allie said she was trying the best she (he?) can do. That she *wasn't* thinking of suicide, but just having a hard time getting through. Maybe because her partner is gone?

What is different about Alli, than other people who vented on the board? I can think of many who did and they were fully supported. As I said, I just don't understand, but probably because I've been mostly out of the loop recently.


I am glad that some people on the board are doing well. But someone commented in another thread (I think she was analyzing why she was participates on psycho-social babble) that she likes the board becaue most people are not completely fucked up. (my words).

I am just coming out of the worst depression of my life. Now I am feeling okay, but I am still scared that I'll slip back. I don't have the need to post much about it here--but I'd like to think I could have posted about it without being judged.

But again, perhaps I am confused.

Shelli

 

You would be so fun to meet/know in person! (nm) » kid_A

Posted by SandraDee on June 30, 2002, at 22:53:22

In reply to amber waves of grain... mmmmm grain..... » Alii, posted by kid_A on June 30, 2002, at 18:49:26

 

lawdy lawdy look what my mind has brought forth

Posted by Alii on July 1, 2002, at 1:04:56

In reply to Re: Phat dose of truth since I'm tired, posted by ShelliR on June 30, 2002, at 22:11:35

wowzers. Um.....I am quite moved by the quiet support that appears when I cry out with such fear.

I am hoping queen bearded the punk ass robber slayer!!!!!! knows any mizzzzunderstanding was purely a lack of my ability to express myself clearly with wordz.

And as for any other lack of support I did not feel any but am touched that hackles were raised in perceived defense (defence for ya canucks....me ma is one).

I vented when experiencing the worst of a panic attack....which I haven't felt in ages so this a.m. was a complete sucker punch to my already teetering stability.

I do not feel judged here and if I did I would leave.

Instead I feel right at home with the peanut gallery.....only nutz understand other nutz.

As for kA and the grainy amber etc so forth and so on......hunny, you know that ripple is my poison of choice not strawberry hill.....hee hee.....you are one helluva boss applesauce.

hopefully I won't have such public unravelings when I get a therapist lined up and begin letting some of my fear out more regularly....blah blah blah.....details not important.

namaste y'all

alii the humbled one

 

you sound a little better! » Alii

Posted by beardedlady on July 1, 2002, at 5:15:22

In reply to lawdy lawdy look what my mind has brought forth, posted by Alii on July 1, 2002, at 1:04:56

Alii:

You know, I did come down hard on you, and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I am just frustrated with the board. It's a good place to vent (we ALL do it!), but it's a bad place to help or be helped immediately. It's a bad place to say, "Alii, come sleep in my guest room for a few days and play with my dogs, and let us take care of you." Know what I'm saying?

The only thing that ever gotten me out of a panic attack was an emergency, a crisis, an event for which I had to be on top. It is something out of self to think about. Maybe I was trying to get you to think about me (or anything else) in your crisis. I don't know.

But I do think you're special, so I had to yell at you.

Alii, will you post on another thread what your "art" is? I can't remember what you said you used to do. And find a new therapist, 'kay?

I'm going on vacation this morning at 9:00. I trust the Kid will laugh you back on track all week.

beardy

 

funny, sometimes I can barely stand to be myself (nm) » SandraDee

Posted by kid_A on July 1, 2002, at 11:54:56

In reply to You would be so fun to meet/know in person! (nm) » kid_A, posted by SandraDee on June 30, 2002, at 22:53:22

 

Re: clarity, hurt feelings, and more - beardedlady

Posted by Angel Girl on July 2, 2002, at 0:14:55

In reply to clarity, hurt feelings, and more » Alii, posted by beardedlady on June 30, 2002, at 8:45:57

> Alii:
>
> I guess what threw us all off is your plans to pick up your "partner" at the airport on Wednesday. I read your post, which included returning home to escape this hell, and I thought you were still on vacation and were planning to get things for your return home from your hellish island paradise. Anyway, it wasn't clear that "out" meant "suicide," especially since your post was calm.
>
> > Many people suggest that I adjust and learn to love moments of life that shine through darkness. Screw them! Seriously.
>
> You're right. Screw me and the rest of us for not cheering you on to your end. Seriously.
>
> It was my mistaken belief that you wanted help, that you were looking for some coping skills, that you wanted to know people cared about you and that you've made a difference in our lives.
>
> > Why should I accept a dulled life devoid of my art, my ability to think, do, be?
>
> I don't think anyone suggested you should. We--rather, I, as I don't want to speak for others, am trying to help you find ways to change that, to encourage your art, to help you cope, etc.
>
> > I am only venting that I'm tired of constant fight I wage against irrational thoughts of offing myself......but not actively suicidal.....look only those who feel, or have felt as I do know what I'm talking about so really don't push any don't die crap on me please.
>
> I can understand venting. I have done it to my family for almost four years now. And it wears them down something awful. But what is "die crap"? What do you mean? And what do you want from people here?
>
> Would it be better if, when you vented, we simply said, "Okay. We hear you!"? Would you prefer no responses? Do you just want folks to commiserate?
>
> Because I don't want to offer you any of the ideas that have worked for me after I was so down I couldn't talk and my body just shook violently for days and I wanted to die because I thought my infant, then toddler, than child deserved a mommy who could be there for her. I don't want to tell you how I have not been that way for two years, as I have continued to get better and cope with it better. Because I don't want to be told, "Screw you!"
>
> I'm sorry to be so hard on you, Alii, but for some reason I really do care about you. Of all the lost souls on this board, you and Angel Girl have hit me hard. And rather than feeling sorry for you right now, I'm feeling sorry for me. I don't know why, but I guess the "screw them" part really hurt my feelings.
>
> And I don't mean to turn your thread around to me, but maybe there's some significance in that at this moment. I don't know. See, my "moments of life that shine through the darkness" used to occur, until Friday, at the park, where I have walked my dogs every day for nine years. And now that someone held a gun on me there, that is gone. And I am so f*cking angry and sad and sick about it, I don't know what to do myself.
>
> But here I am still. Trying to help you. Because there is some darkness shining through the dark that needs some light right now.
>
> a very teary beardy : (>


Beardedlady

I never knew you cared about me. :)

Angel Girl

 

Re: just because I know the face of my demon..Alii

Posted by Angel Girl on July 2, 2002, at 0:18:52

In reply to just because I know the face of my demon..., posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:33:22

> ...doesn't make each battle any easier. Just because I'm aware of the tricks depression throws in my path does not make dealing with them any easier.
>
> I still feel like a pile of *&@!# I avoid the people who can help me the most because my mind tells me they are sick of me not 'getting well'. I know the untruth in the former sentence and am saying I am tired of fighting this fight.
>
> SO fricking sick of seeing what each day brings......the fun cycle of this hell I exist in.
>
> wah...woe is me....and so on
>
> yawn

Alii

I understand you extremely well. YOur words could easily be my words. The only difference is I "KNOW" that people are sick of helping me because they don't see me getting any better. They've conveyed their frustrations to me many times. That just makes me feel even worse.

Angel Girl

 

Re: relentless waves of depression... » IsoM

Posted by Alii on July 2, 2002, at 2:46:41

In reply to relentless waves of depression... » Alii, posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 14:59:37

I'm too darn cheerful to be around right
now.........

yeah....I would probably agree but am very heartened to hear you cheer on the moanin and groanin......seriously.

I do need to get out some of the innermost bleh so that I can return to it and see the latest trick depression has tried upon me.....I know I am more vulerable to suicide if I keep that information to myself.

so yeah.......moan and groan I will when I need to.

thank you IsoM. being heard helps

 

Re: be thou laid with the uncircumcised? » kid_A

Posted by Zo on July 3, 2002, at 17:15:15

In reply to amber waves of grain... mmmmm grain..... » Alii, posted by kid_A on June 30, 2002, at 18:49:26


. . and what does it say about the circumcized.


just looking for guidance,

zo

 

Re: Can we go back to that word ugly. . (nm) » Alii

Posted by Zo on July 3, 2002, at 17:20:02

In reply to this is what happens when.... , posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 9:08:59

 

going back to that word ugly.... » Zo

Posted by Alii on July 4, 2002, at 2:01:07

In reply to Re: Can we go back to that word ugly. . (nm) » Alii, posted by Zo on July 3, 2002, at 17:20:02

yes? wha 'bout it?

I'm going back to ugly and looking at it and turning it over.....um....still seems to work for me in this context. Wanna elaborate on why we're back at ugly?

fondly,

Alii

 

Re: this is what happens when.... » Alii

Posted by Zo on July 5, 2002, at 16:13:39

In reply to this is what happens when.... , posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 9:08:59

> Apologies to any who find my reality ugly.
>

No child thinks their reality is ugly. Someone has to plant that idea, usually by disregarding the child's reality completely--a narcisstic parent (which abound)--and/or physical abuse. It is also planted by virtue of the fact that a child doesn't understand the distinctions between it's own reality and that of others, for logical reasons.

So that I can pretty safely assume, you see, that your parents failed to mirror that you were beautiful, which you were, and that you introjected the reality around you, which had something ugly in it. The introjection is what makes us grow and be human, when loving parents make us feel wanted and valuable. But that leaves chidren in abusive homes astoundingly vulnerable; it takes years of therapy to throw that introject back up, get that ugliness out on the table, where you can see it--in the company of a caring person. If you haven't seen, you will, that the ugliness has nothing to do with you.

Besides, like on this board we're going to be judging someone? Like everyone isn't show their insides. No blame attends, but if you expose your insides and aplogize for their ugliness, think about it. . .what are you telling your friends when they do the same.

We never do escape the responsibility to teach. .even that which we do not yet know. You are the mirror someone else is looking into, and they need to see they have beauty of spirit.

This is why blocking is abusive; it does the opposite. And that is just plain thoughtless, just plain dumb.

Zo

 

Re: relentless waves of depression...

Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 20:24:36

In reply to relentless waves of depression... » Alii, posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 14:59:37

I can't offer much but the "misery loves company idea" It seems the only emotions I have are fear anxiety or boredom. I get so angry when I wake up, God another day to get through, more people telling me to "cheer up" do yoga, I know they mean well and perhaps they would help prevent a reocurrence but when you are in the depths its a stupid joke. Why not just tell someone with alzheimers to just put their mind to it and they could remember things if they wanted to.
Then there are the souls who say, you have no problems compared to most other people... and thats the scary part, for me anyway, if there was a tangible problem maybe I could fix it. Meanwhile I feel like I'm only staying alive because It would torture my family and the people who've supported me. I'm sick of not being able to talk about anything but the depression, I'm sick of hearing myself, I'm sick of watching people walk down the street and have coffee like there is nothing to it!
Even when I occasionally have a good day its like a nasty trick just to remind me how I used to feel, and then the next day I wake up either crying or frozen with dread.
I'm sick of my medications my Dr's appointments and not being able to just sit outside and feel like "gee its nice out today," In order to keep up the fight you need something to fight for.. and depression takes the reason out of everything yes its a delusion but you can't tell your brain that when its your brain thats producing the feelings. I don't want to have it cured when I'm 70 and realize everything I missed.

Or maybe I just don't push myself enough (joke)


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