Psycho-Babble Social Thread 13047

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Re: breakdowns paxvox

Posted by Kristi on October 27, 2001, at 22:22:26

In reply to Re: breakdowns Kristi, posted by paxvox on October 27, 2001, at 21:25:46

> Wow, Kristi, that's a very sad story, I'm sorry that you had such an experience. However, I'm glad that you are able to talk about it. Did you go through PTSD? My depressive illness was exacerbated by my mom's death from cancer. Although it was not as shocking as an accident, it was, in a way more painful, as I had to watch it play out over several years. 10 years later, and my life has never been the same. Not that I haven't moved on, it's mostly that the event killed off my innocent youth,and allowed a cynical spirit to creep over my mood. Oh well, sorry to butt in.
>
> PAX

Hi sweetie,
Your not butting in. Not at all. Yes, I did go thru ptsd..... I think I still am somewhat. There are so many details to the whole story that I re-live everyday. He actually threw me off the bike(saved my life).... and I watched as he got stuck under the front of the car and dragged into a guardrail.
I'm sorry about your mom. I totally understand the feeling of never being the same again. It's rough..... something that just shouldn't be allowable in life. Yeah right... fat chance.
They say these things make us stronger, altho I haven't figured out how yet.
It's been about 10 years now... and I don't think I'll ever have a "real" relationship again... don't think I'll ever get thru a week without nightmares.....
Reading what I wrote.... do you believe I had some sort of breakdown? I don't talk about it much.... it's easy on here.... no one knows me and they don't have to hear my squeaky voice and see my sobby face. There were also more details to that too, but I just didn't know who I was, what was going on.... etc.
Anyway.... I'm rambling again.... must stop. It's time for my nightly treadmill workout anyway. Hope your doing ok.... and again, your not butting in. Take care, Kristi

 

Re: breakdowns Kristi

Posted by paxvox on October 28, 2001, at 14:13:55

In reply to Re: breakdowns paxvox, posted by Kristi on October 27, 2001, at 22:22:26

You could very well have had a breakdown, though I really don't like that terminolgy because of its negative connotations (i.e , we are weak).
However, very common in PTSD, is for one to "bury" the event deeply in the subconscious; however, so doing actually causes a "shift" in our normal life path, as we have detoured to avoid the pitfalls. Not until we 1. acknowledge that we have an issue. 2. are ready to deal with it. 3. find the right way to deal with it,
will we get better. I don't believe we will ever be the same, but who is? Life changes us, and we change to respond whether our life paths are pleasant our not so pleasant. These are the seasonings that make each of us the unique person we are. Thanks for your sharing, keep in touch with the Paxmeister!

PAX

 

Re: breakdowns

Posted by Gracie2 on October 28, 2001, at 22:39:13

In reply to Re: breakdowns Kristi, posted by paxvox on October 28, 2001, at 14:13:55


I had a breakdown last year, can't think of what else you would call it. My aunt, who I loved dearly and who was more like a mom to me than my own mother, was diagnosed with colon cancer and decided to die at home. My two cousins and I took turns, in 24-hour shifts, taking care of her. I cannot describe how painful it was to watch this beautiful, fun, vibrant, loving woman disintegrate into a pain-wracked shell. I fed her, I gave her sponge-baths, I massaged her, I washed her hair, I read to her; sometimes I had to shut myself in the bathroom and run the water so she couldn't hear me crying.
Two weeks after she died, my son's best friend died after a party. I'd known him for years and loved him like he was my own. My son was wild with grief, and I think I literally went into shock. One day I answered the phone and it was my boss. She said, "So, do you plan on coming in to work tomorrow or what?" I said, "What's the matter?" and she said, "Well, since we haven't seen you for the last two days, I thought maybe
you quit." I said, "What are you talking about? It's only Saturday." She was quiet for a minute and then she said, "Today is Tuesday. You didn't come to work Monday or today, and you didn't call."
I was so shocked, my hands started to shake. I HAD LOST THREE DAYS. I had no memory of the last three days at all. Shortly after that, I quit work. I couldn't focus - I didn't know what I was doing. I started acting so strangely, my husband was afraid to leave me alone or let me drive. One day I came home with the passenger-side mirror gone, and I had no idea what had happened to it.
I wasn't sick, but I was not well.

So I guess I would call that a breakdown.
-Gracie

 

Re: breakdowns

Posted by Krazy Kat on October 29, 2001, at 10:36:34

In reply to breakdowns, posted by sar on October 27, 2001, at 20:37:22

This summer I had what I would call a breakdown - it was an extremely bad depressive episode coupled with anger and frustration. Perhaps this is a "mixed episode" in bipolar talk? I'm not sure.

I couldn't do the simplest things for about a month - dishes piled up, as did the trash. I cried constantly, then couldn't cry at all.

I think often an event does precede a breakdown, but for me there was nothing in particular. I just folded in on myself. It wasn't until I started Depakote that it got better.

 

Re: breakdowns, i think i still am (nm)

Posted by susan C on October 29, 2001, at 11:17:09

In reply to Re: breakdowns, posted by Krazy Kat on October 29, 2001, at 10:36:34

 

Re: breakdowns paxvox

Posted by kid_A on October 29, 2001, at 12:28:42

In reply to Re: breakdowns Kristi, posted by paxvox on October 27, 2001, at 21:25:46

>My depressive illness was exacerbated by my mom's death from cancer. Although it was not as shocking as an accident, it was, in a way more painful, as I had to watch it play out over several years.

pax,
my mother died of leukemia when i was 18, i know what its like, watching someone so vibrant become totally destroyed... you loose faith in everything... she was the parent i could talk to, the one who understood, who even liked the same sorts of things i did... the loss is part of who i am today... i still cary it with me.

 

simulation of a breakdown

Posted by kid_A on October 29, 2001, at 12:38:51

In reply to breakdowns, posted by sar on October 27, 2001, at 20:37:22


cant breathe
cant eat
cant concentrate
cant sleep
everything around you
is abstract
jagged
closed in on you
heart beats like a drum
what can i do?
what can i do?
what can i do?
i thrashed in my
bed, curl up in a
ball
fetal position
crawled on the
floor
anything anything
more pills
anything numb
i dont want to
talk
i dont want to
see anything
i dont want to
move
it feels like
death it feels
like worlds
coliding
like stars
shutting off
dog dog snapping
at your heart
tearing it out
a hornet's nest
inside of
your head
tunnel vision
and agony
agony that
knows no
respite
pain that
seems endless
nameless
and there
is no
escape.

 

Re: simulation of a breakdown-sob- (nm) kid_A

Posted by susan C on October 29, 2001, at 12:48:08

In reply to simulation of a breakdown, posted by kid_A on October 29, 2001, at 12:38:51

 

Re: breakdowns kid_A

Posted by paxvox on October 29, 2001, at 13:32:53

In reply to Re: breakdowns paxvox, posted by kid_A on October 29, 2001, at 12:28:42

Thanks Kid A,

As some have said, yes,we go on with life, but I don't think it is ever the direction that we WERE going. Like Tom Hank's character in "Sleepless in Seattle" when the Pdoc has him on the radio...
"you just wake up, and make yourself get out of bed".

I think stoicism is overrated. We should feel our emotions, and share them with others. My 6 year old daughter obviously never got to see my mom, but I have told her enough about her that she will sometimes say "I miss grandma". Can someone's essence live on as their legacy? I would like to think so. Just know that every person we touch is somehow affected by what we say and do.

PAX

 

Re: breakdowns paxvox

Posted by kid_A on October 30, 2001, at 13:48:11

In reply to Re: breakdowns kid_A, posted by paxvox on October 29, 2001, at 13:32:53


pAx,
it depends on what we mean by getting over it, do i still cry sometimes, yes... does it haunt me every day, no... i dont think we should throw out our emotions because they aren't helpfull to us, we're human beings, and when we stop grieving our dead we will have lost that humanity...

i feel sorry for my brother and sister, who never really got to 'know' our mother... she was cool, the type of mom that rides the perfect line between commuication and encouragement... she's not 'cool' like some skeevy mom that wants to smoke pot w/ her kid... though i know she did smoke herself... she liked to dance, she liked disco, she liked the cure, and petshop boys, she liked prince, and the time... she like midnight star... she liked to have a good time, she was a reader, english teacher, she liked to listen, and she asked for advice...

she's a fundamental part of who i am as a person, and so for me, she is my hero... she is my angel... hiya mom, i love you.

 

breakdown---on the long road to one

Posted by Shar on October 30, 2001, at 21:57:26

In reply to Re: breakdowns paxvox, posted by kid_A on October 30, 2001, at 13:48:11

I muse about living the path to a breakdown for a number of months. Starting with unemployment--not becoming employed again--losing everything, over time, that resembled self-confidence and self-esteem--unable to support myself with the job I finally got in June (after a year of being unemployed)--resorting to med assistance programs because I didn't have health insurance--depression deepening in a palpable way--watching as my fears are realized, one by one--a couple of months away from losing house, car--not knowing whether I could work again or not at what I used to do--contrasting reality now with the strong, effective, determined, competent person I used to be, always, always self-supporting, willing to take the hard road, and the high road--ideas of who I am yielding to consuming doubt.

affect flattens; mostly don't talk much anymore; reaching slows, will stop; loss of hope, bit by bit; the irony of a life affirming behavior while all I can think of is suicide; living with all of the above every day, the weight of it all pinning me down, so it seems.

"there is no pain, you are receding...a distant ship's smoke on the horizon. you are only coming through in waves, your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying..." Pink Floyd, The Wall

 

Re: breakdown---on the long road to one

Posted by shelliR on October 30, 2001, at 23:00:15

In reply to breakdown---on the long road to one, posted by Shar on October 30, 2001, at 21:57:26

This is such a beautiful and sad thread.

I like the word breakdown because sometimes that's how it feels. Similar to how Shar feels, only before one loses the insurance and the job, but isn't sure how to hold on.

Whenever I've gone in the hospital or close to going into the hospital or cut really badly, it does feel like a breakdown. I don't feel strong, or weak. Just in pain and confused and not knowing whether I can continue to choose life. . Like everything that keeps me going all the rest of the time, *has* broken and it is beyond me how it will get fixed.

Shelli

 

Re: breakdowns kid_A

Posted by paxvox on October 31, 2001, at 7:39:30

In reply to Re: breakdowns paxvox, posted by kid_A on October 30, 2001, at 13:48:11

>
Yes, Kid there are things I too "don't want to get over". My mom was very special to me, and had a huge effect on who I am. Watching her suffer, unfortunately, killed a lot of my innocence. That is the area in my life I am seeking to improve in. To be less cynical, less judgmental,take more time to listen less to talk. No, my mom will always be a part of me. There are days that something will happen, and I just say to myself "I wish I could tell mom about it." What to do? Develop her positive attributes in myself, inculcate them into my children,make sure to take each day as a glorious day no matter how hard it may seem at the time.

Cheers and best regards,

PAX

 

Re: breakdowns

Posted by sar on November 3, 2001, at 21:40:31

In reply to Re: breakdowns kid_A, posted by paxvox on October 31, 2001, at 7:39:30

just wanted to thank everyone who responded to this thread...some of the messages absolutely bowled me over and brought me to near-tears.

i refer to last fall as "when i got sick." i lost my ability to read, woke up everyday feeling exhausted and would immediately begin crying. i'd sob and smoke for awhile, then stare at the yellow pages for gunshops. could not decide whether or not to settle my warrant so that i'd pass the background check to obtain the gun.

a few months later i dropped some acid and was deeply suicidal the entire trip. it was, as jay put it awhile back, soulbreaking. i knew for sure i was ready to die. when the acid wore off i became frantic, wrote about ten pages, smoked a half-pack of cigarettes, drove 90 miles in a daze, then went home and turned on the gas and the stereo. i was going to die listening to phish (which makes me smile now--bittersweetly). after a couple of hours my roomies caught me and i became even more frantic, ran out for a six pack of beer and showed them my favorite children's book, trying to act like everything was normal in spite of the gas-filled house (i didn't know you actually had to put your head in the oven). i called my boyfriend over, kissed him passionately, told him to get his hands off me and shoved him out the door.

the next morning i packed my things up and drove home to my parents house.

i don't know if that counts as a breakdown.

 

Re: breakdowns

Posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 0:52:01

In reply to breakdowns, posted by sar on October 27, 2001, at 20:37:22

> this question stems from a post i just read by Ms. Wendy:
>
> if you've had a breakdown, what would you describe it as?

Being in a rowboat in the middle of a hurricane with no lighthouse to guide me. I had a breakdown in the summer of '96. It took everything that was in me to get out of bed. Sometimes it was in the late afternoon when my husband came home, sometimes not at all. I started to feel dead, then would cut and burn myself just to feel something, and other times I took pills to make me sleep so I wouldn't feel anything at all.

I went to the hospital the night I told my husband I was going to fill the car up with gas and then called my doctor to say goodbye. He picked up on it-I didn't tell him my plan. Then talked to me until I went to the hospital.

I feel like I'm close to that point again. Functioning is becoming a nightmare. I'm still fighting with my therapist's ex-partner and can't even find an attorney to TALK to me about it. What I need is someone that isn't afraid to take him on.

I really don't know how much more I can take. I'm having to drop my classes because of it, I've had 5 hours sleep in the past two days WITH enough sleeping pills to knock out a horse. I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep it going anymore. I'm ready to just give up.

Kiddo

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo

Posted by Mair on November 4, 2001, at 16:46:50

In reply to Re: breakdowns, posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 0:52:01

Are you guys sure it isn't February, or even December? You both sound unbelievably stressed out. Please remember that the types of things you both are thinking tend to be temporary thoughts, no matter how pervasive and permanent they seem to be. I've gone through multiple periods when suicidal thoughts are like voices that you can't shut up, and unfortunately I'm sure I'll go through that tons more times in the future. It always hurts like hell and it's distressing to me how little family and friends enter my consciousness at such times, but I try desparately to remember that i haven't always thought that way. We need both of you here very much. (Sar you didn't really buy the rope did you?)

Mair

 

Re: breakdowns

Posted by Gracie2 on November 4, 2001, at 19:08:54

In reply to Re: breakdowns, posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 0:52:01


Up, kiddo, back to hospital. It must have done you SOME good before, and it really wasn't such a bad place after all (there was an RN we called Nurse Ratchett, but the rest of them were kind).
In fact, my roommate went to the mental ward for VACATION. She told me that whenever she needed a break from her kids and her abusive husband, she would cut herself so they would lock her up. I said, "Was your husband abusive to the kids?"
She shrugged and said, "Sometimes."
I just stared at her. Here was an abnormal person who thought she was normal pretending to be abnormal. And her poor kids! I would kill anyone who tried to hurt my kids, and she seemed to care less. I was shocked and disgusted.
Then she said, "Oh, if you see me passed out on the floor, just call the nurse."
I said, "Uh-huh". I figured I would leave her ass on the floor - when she got cold, she would get up. What a strange person.

Sorry, don't know why I got into that. Generally the hospital was very helpful for me.

 

Re: breakdowns Gracie2

Posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 19:30:55

In reply to Re: breakdowns, posted by Gracie2 on November 4, 2001, at 19:08:54


Up, kiddo, back to hospital. It must have done you SOME good before, and it really wasn't such a bad place after all (there was an RN we called Nurse Ratchett, but the rest of them were kind).

***
You think I should check myself in? Which reminds me..when I went before, I refused to lay on the beds-call me paranoid, but I had no idea who'd slept there before, I had one of my daughter's blankets, lying on the floor crying and one the 'nurses' came in and wanted me to sign a contract saying I wouldn't kill myself-that made me laugh..I asked what he would do if I 'breached my contract' and killed myself, sue me? What an idiotic thing to conjure up.

> In fact, my roommate went to the mental ward for VACATION. She told me that whenever she needed a break from her kids and her abusive husband, she would cut herself so they would lock her up. I said, "Was your husband abusive to the kids?"
> She shrugged and said, "Sometimes."
> I just stared at her. Here was an abnormal person who thought she was normal pretending to be abnormal. And her poor kids! I would kill anyone who tried to hurt my kids, and she seemed to care less. I was shocked and disgusted.

***
Yeah-I'd definitely take 'em out. You can mess with me, my house or possessions, but you don't dare cross my kids. She sounds like she really did belong there, unfortunately, her kids belonged somewhere else as well, but weren't.

> Then she said, "Oh, if you see me passed out on the floor, just call the nurse."
> I said, "Uh-huh". I figured I would leave her ass on the floor - when she got cold, she would get up. What a strange person.

***
Sheesh, I'd have left her there too. What some people won't do for attention. Major issues there, I don't need formal training for that Dx.

> Sorry, don't know why I got into that. Generally the hospital was very helpful for me.

***

I was there once, that was enough for me. I was definitely obnoxious (sp?). For kicks, one day I hid in the closet and it took them 4 hours to find me. Were they surprised when they came back to my room and found me on the bed. When they asked where I'd been, I looked 'em straight in the eye, as seriously as Freud himself and said "I've been here the entire time, why?" They told my pdoc I was the most difficult patient they'd ever encountered (especially when I drove the 'contract' guy out of my room and had him backed into the nurse's station.)

I told my therapist if they wanted it easy, they should be working in Cancun, not in a mental ward..I didn't know I was there to cater to them.

In case you didn't notice, I not only have a temper but a really big mouth to go with it. This time, I could become aggressive very easily, since this Tae Kwon Do thing...I've been wanting to test it out....

Sorry so long!

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo Mair

Posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 19:32:18

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo, posted by Mair on November 4, 2001, at 16:46:50

I hope you are right, cuz I can't take much more of this...it's getting tiresome in and of itself.

> Are you guys sure it isn't February, or even December? You both sound unbelievably stressed out. Please remember that the types of things you both are thinking tend to be temporary thoughts, no matter how pervasive and permanent they seem to be. I've gone through multiple periods when suicidal thoughts are like voices that you can't shut up, and unfortunately I'm sure I'll go through that tons more times in the future. It always hurts like hell and it's distressing to me how little family and friends enter my consciousness at such times, but I try desparately to remember that i haven't always thought that way. We need both of you here very much. (Sar you didn't really buy the rope did you?)
>
> Mair

 

Re: breakdown

Posted by KB on November 4, 2001, at 22:03:34

In reply to Re: breakdown---on the long road to one, posted by shelliR on October 30, 2001, at 23:00:15

I had a mini-breakdown tonight - I was trying to figure out why I've been so broke lately and I suddenly realized that between my depression and lupus I am spending half my monthly income on medical expenses, and I did a bare-bones budget, just food, utilities and the medical expenses and discovered that even just those come to more than I earn.

I just felt completely without options and overwhelmed and panicky and started to cry those deep sobs where you can't talk or catch your breath. In the past I wouldn't have been able to get back from that point and the evening would have ended in something self destructive, but between talking to a good friend and the antidepressants, I managed to get a grip (at least temporarily).

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo kiddo

Posted by shelliR on November 4, 2001, at 22:49:49

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo Mair, posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 19:32:18

> I hope you are right, cuz I can't take much more of this...it's getting tiresome in and of itself.
>

Hey Kiddo. When I go into the hospital I bring a hugh suitcase with some clothes,but mostly filled by my own sheets, pillow and pillowcase and quilt. (and my teddy bear.) The staff seem to think this is fine and it makes me feel a lot better.

Shelli

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo shelliR

Posted by kiddo on November 4, 2001, at 22:59:27

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo kiddo, posted by shelliR on November 4, 2001, at 22:49:49

> Hey Kiddo. When I go into the hospital I bring a hugh suitcase with some clothes,but mostly filled by my own sheets, pillow and pillowcase and quilt. (and my teddy bear.) The staff seem to think this is fine and it makes me feel a lot better.
>
> Shelli


Thanks, I don't feel so bad now for having my daughters blanket with me. :-)

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo Mair

Posted by sar on November 5, 2001, at 12:55:34

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo, posted by Mair on November 4, 2001, at 16:46:50

Mair,

i think what hurts the most is that the voice hasn't shut up in a year and a half. i think about it obsessively throughout the day...at one time it was guns, and now it's the rope thing...

i'm not stressed out really, just hopeless...i described it over on PB.

i think it's distressing to forget about friends/family during depression, but it hurts to be abandoned too. my 2 best friends abandoned me months ago...crushed alot of my belief in the solidarity of friendship and the goodness of human spirit. i have a friend now with PTSD and suicidal depression, and i've visited her in the hospital and written her a letter to let her know that i'm here no matter what...

i didn't buy the rope, i just felt the textures. braided nylon feels best. they also had colored ropes with little graphic designs on them, and i thought it would be--interesting to use a green-and-silver one, or blue-and-beige. i dug through the bin hoping to find a fuschia one or hot pink, but there were none to be found, and i'm such a perfectionist and everything... ;)

no. i know what i need to do--drop the bottle and go back to austin. fill my days with bookselling or coffee-brewing. i hope to feel better then.

thanks for your concern...

 

Re: breakdowns: Sar

Posted by Mair on November 5, 2001, at 16:05:59

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar and Kiddo Mair, posted by sar on November 5, 2001, at 12:55:34

Sar - you said something somewhere about reading Angela's Ashes. It's certainly good, but I found it incredibly depressing. I read a book recently that made me think about you a little (I'm not sure why). It's called "Rachel's Holiday" and it's written by an Irishwoman names Marian Keyes, I think. It's about this woman who ODs and goes into a rehab center only because she thinks its one of these spa like places that all the celebs. use. It's really about her treatment and recovery but it's written in a pretty breezy sometimes humorous style. (the quality and style of writing actually may be what made me think of you) It's recently released in paper back and on a lot of "new books" sections. You might check it out.

I know things are tough for you now, but i've got to believe that's going to change. If I could wish anything for you (other than that you quit drinking) it would be that you give yourself some credit for how immensely talented and bright you obviously are.

Sorry it I'm too presumptuous about the drinking stuff.

Mair

 

Re: Sar... Yeah.. What Mair said. :-) (nm)

Posted by Kristi on November 5, 2001, at 18:15:28

In reply to Re: breakdowns: Sar , posted by Mair on November 5, 2001, at 16:05:59


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