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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on July 11, 2001, at 2:59:07
what the hell happened?
i know i shouldn't be posting this, but it's an anonymous board for support, right? curious for opinions on this one.
i drove to Town X to see my psych today, it was nothing heavy, I left content, then went to where i used to live, a house thats been burned and condemned, fenced off. i tore wood and glass and my hands were bleeding by the time i got in. i looked through all of my old things.
then there was a squatter. a bum, a guy who'd been sleeping in the house ten days, okay looking but not great, and with three tallboys in my tummy i somehow manage to convince myself that the squatter was my friend M and had sex with him...i even forgot that i had my period...ugh, i can't believe i'm posting this, but then he was gone and i drove home as i drank more beers and i've awoken in the middle of the night with a drunk headache wondering what the hell happened. i'd look up and see the length of the bum's hair and really think that it was M.
i feel like throwing up.
time for a klonopin, more water, and a cigarette. my hands hurt and i feel like i don't know myself.
i feel ugly.
Posted by shelliR on July 11, 2001, at 10:14:14
In reply to headache, posted by sar on July 11, 2001, at 2:59:07
Hi Sar. Along with creating your own adventures, you obviously have the capasity to create your own confusion and chaos.
You are not ugly, and you are not the first girl to have meaningless, empty sex and to afterwards regret it. (There is definitely some of that in my past). But sex today carries the possiblity of much more dangerous consequences than it did years ago.I am worried for you. Unless a condom was used, you need to get tested for the small possiblity of AIDs. I also worry that you will waste a tremendous creative potential as a person because of drinking. I don't know if you really will ever be successful by trying to cut back on drinking, or if the only way for you is to completely stop. And that takes a full commitment both from your heart and your head. You have klonopin to help you through now, but only you know when you're fully able to make that commitment.
I hate that I sound like I am lecturing you, but it is out of concern, not judgement. I don't want you to look back on these years of your life with regret.
the best, shelli
p.s., lecture will NOT be repeated in any subsequent posts ; I am a one-time lecturer! :-)
Posted by judy1 on July 11, 2001, at 10:27:33
In reply to headache, posted by sar on July 11, 2001, at 2:59:07
Oh Sar, I'm so sorry you're beating yourself up on this one. Whenever I get manic, I get extremely hypersexual and do the types of things you just wrote about but multiply that. I also feel extreme guilt when I 'crash'. I think Shelli gave excellent advice about being tested for AIDS (it's what my pdoc always has me do). I don't know if the alcohol loosened your control or (and I apologize) is it your disorder? Please post and let me know how you are doing, have you talked to your shrink/therapist yet? Take care, judy
Posted by kazoo on July 11, 2001, at 11:13:27
In reply to Re: headache » sar, posted by judy1 on July 11, 2001, at 10:27:33
> I think Shelli gave excellent advice about being tested for AIDS (it's what my pdoc always has me do).
^^^^^^^^^^^
Sar ... with hot-pink toe nails ...
LOVE WITH THE PROPER STRANGER: just because the guy was "a squatter ... a bum," does this *automatically* qualify him for HIV/AIDS? But please don't misconstrue me with this: the HIV/AIDs test is good advice. After all, *you* could have given it to *him*.FAMOUS LAST WORDS: "No, not me ... I live in an ivory tower and such things don't happen to me."
YES, I AM A TRADITIONALIST: Love without sex is bad enough ... but sex without love is even worse.
(K)(A)(Z)(O)(O)
Posted by Roo on July 11, 2001, at 11:15:58
In reply to Re: headache » sar, posted by judy1 on July 11, 2001, at 10:27:33
Sar,
It's funny I was just thinking about you this morning.
I know I don't even know you, but still, I was. And
thinking warm thoughts about you. I still am--hoping
you will try and be as kind to yourself as possible.
No one here judges you, and if they do, I think
most of us would agree, to hell with them. I don't
have any advice. I do know how it feels to do something
I feel ashamed about, and how it feels to do something that
makes me feel ugly inside. It's a hideous feeling. Hard to
sit with. That's why I want you to try and be nice
to yourself...comfort yourself in some way...talk over
what happened with a trusted friend or therapist. Wish I
could smoke a ciggie with you and hold your hand.Roo
Posted by AKC on July 11, 2001, at 11:18:35
In reply to Re: headache--sar, posted by Roo on July 11, 2001, at 11:15:58
Sar,
I can only say ditto to what Roo has said. I'll be/am thinking kind thoughts.
AKC
Posted by kid_A on July 11, 2001, at 16:03:41
In reply to headache, posted by sar on July 11, 2001, at 2:59:07
sar,
words can be cheap, throw away, especially ones from a stranger, but maybe you'll find something in what i say...im a drinker, maybe you arent a drinker per se, perhaps alcohol is not the source of what ails you, i dont think of myself as an alcoholic, but i supose that i am... i drink to get drunk, and i cant stop drinking... wont stop... regardless, drinking isnt necisarily the issue... im reckless, out of control; noticably so...
ive broken bathroom mirrors w/ my head, ive kicked bottles at police cars, ive picked fights w/ people 200 pounds bigger than me, ive made out w/ or chased after friend's gfriends, ive carved the words yes and no into my arms; amoung other things, burned myself, stripped nearly naked in a bar i work at (caught on film), crawled home and woke up on my porch covered in vomit, punched mirrors, kicked windowed doors, you name it, i have done it...
am i proud of any of these noble acts? of course not, but am i any less human? no... we're all capable of actions that sometimes seem out of our control, out of our characters, out of our heads, the fact that you even wrote what you did shows that you have the maturity to sense things within yourself that youd like to correct, your reaction to what youve done is understandable, but in the end you need to get beyond those feelings...
i think we are all emotionaly complex people here, and i think you see that people do understand... do what you can, talk to those you trust, move forward and never forget that you are a beautiful human being...
i dont know you, but we all have beauty inside, regardless if we recognise it or not.
peace.
Posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 10:13:56
In reply to headache, posted by sar on July 11, 2001, at 2:59:07
How are you today?
Concerned.
AKC
Posted by sar on July 16, 2001, at 14:57:03
In reply to Re: headache » sar, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 10:13:56
Hi Everyone.
after i wrote that post i drank some more and then my parents found me hanging myself and called the cops, who yanked me out to an ambulance and drove me to the hospital.
i just got out today. what do you think i did? bought some vodka, but i've been in the loony bin nearly a week, i believe a stiff drink will do me good.
i feel embarrassed that i had wrote that message, it's just that i was wondering if anyone had lost themselves that much...as far as i know, my Main diagnosis is Major Depression...then when drunk i forget who's who...and according to the folks i hung out with on the ward, that's pretty common (among us who know!).
the docs say i have an "impulse control problem." do you think that means i'm just a twenty-something drunk? :) they say that perhaps this is a sign of bipolarity. i don't know--hell, i wish i'd get manic, but i don't think that i do. they prescribed depakote to help even out these impulses.
so as soon as my 'script kicks in, PSB will lose a bit of the Days-of-Our-Lives quality. all apologies to those who care!
thank you all so much for your concern, i really appreciate it. even as i wrote that message i thought that it was inappropriate and that no one would respond...i'm giggling right now...is STUPIDITY in the DSM IV-TR?
perhaps i do create drama. or i just go with my "impulsivity." i believe depression can breed a great degree of nihilism--so *what* if i break this, steal this, have sex with this person? it'll all be gone some time soon.
they took me to a more serious loony bin this time. lots of "group sessions" etc, made me stay nearly a week, yo. the best thing is always the people. the other patients. the other crazies. we bonded. the only place i'm ever the popular girl is the crazyhouse--shall i move in? :) :(
i don't want to go back. ShelliR, don't worry about lectures. Lecture me as a wiser elder! Roo, I'd pass you a Camel Special Light if you were here and get you to sing with me. AKC--thanks for your concern, I'm a reassurance fiend! And Kid_A--oh my, you've been there and done that kid, i'm small potatoes in comparison...i hope you're doing well right now and being careful...kazoo...yass, yass, that's so true, but why do I always imagine your lips puckered around a sour pickle?
thanks all so much. i feel better now, social worker is helping me to get meds/treatment on sliding-scale basis. parents/friends-who-know supportive. employer co-operating.
i will repeat this to anyone curious about hospitals: the best thing about them is the other patients. the vulnerable honesty--not heartwrenching and sobby, but comedic and wry. Honest. the other patients Know more than the staff. all walks of life and we were all great friends for a week. beautiful people.
i kept thinking of us as the "group that tried to kill themselves in this part of town in these few days in july" and wondered if we'd been drawn together for a special reason...but who cares?
it was all so accurately random anyway.
thanks again.
love,
sar
Posted by shelliR on July 16, 2001, at 17:11:47
In reply to Re: headache, posted by sar on July 16, 2001, at 14:57:03
Hi Sar. I'm so so so glad you're okay. What kind of hospital was that, anyway, with no internet service to let us know that you were safe???? Shelli
Posted by Willow on July 16, 2001, at 23:36:03
In reply to Re: WELCOME BACK » sar, posted by shelliR on July 16, 2001, at 17:11:47
Impulse and self harm. Sounds familar. How do I word this?
Do you care enough about yourself not to really want to harm yourself? What I do when the urge strikes is wait it out, I keep telling myself that the urge will pass, and it does. Does this make any sense?
Take good care of yourself, you deserve it even if you have cute toes. Try minute maid's frozen concentrated Mango punch mixed with three containers of sprite or 7up.
And of course, glad to see you back!
Whistling Willow
Posted by Marie1 on July 17, 2001, at 19:58:26
In reply to Re: headache, posted by sar on July 16, 2001, at 14:57:03
Glad you're back, Sar. I so enjoy your honesty and humor. So no "Club Head" this time, huh? I guess that's only for spoiled white girls who crave a diagnosis! :-)
Marie
Posted by sar on July 18, 2001, at 0:46:03
In reply to Impulse , posted by Willow on July 16, 2001, at 23:36:03
Dear Willow,
Thank you.
"Do you care enough about yourself not to really want to harm yourself.?"
No. That is the crux of depression. I fluctuate between insane nihilism and happy karmic buddhistic thoughts. I never quite know what to think..
I'm new to meds, and they seem to have helped.
I've tried controlling my impulses--the major one is drinking, and it usually takes about 30 minutes to pass. If I can wait that long, I'm okay. If not, I'm drunk all day. It's an edgy feeling, an argument w/ myself whether to pull into the convenience store or not and put down a few dollars for some beer.
In a week or so I'm supposed to get on depakote, which will supposedly even out my "impulses" and is also hell on the liver--a doublecrux if I continue drinking.
if depakote makes me feel reel good i doubt i'll drink the way i do. it'll be awhile, tho.
Thank you, Ms. Whistling Willow. I appreciate what you contribute to this board.
love,
sar
Posted by pat c. on February 1, 2002, at 20:48:24
In reply to Re: headache, posted by sar on July 16, 2001, at 14:57:03
Sar,
Check out AA.
It's cool!
Pat
This is the end of the thread.
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