Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 871574

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Gray Rape

Posted by PollyFarm on December 31, 2008, at 2:40:14

My therapist suggested to me that if I give in to my husbands urgent, angry pleas for sex because I feel pressured that it is gray rape. I don't enjoy the sex and often cry afterward because of the emotional pain, or at least I just hate it and dread when he will ask again. Any time I say no it starts an argument. Just wondering where people weigh in on the "gray rape" issue?

Polly

 

Re: Gray Rape

Posted by fleeting flutterby on December 31, 2008, at 17:56:20

In reply to Gray Rape, posted by PollyFarm on December 31, 2008, at 2:40:14

> My therapist suggested to me that if I give in to my husbands urgent, angry pleas for sex because I feel pressured that it is gray rape. I don't enjoy the sex and often cry afterward because of the emotional pain, or at least I just hate it and dread when he will ask again. Any time I say no it starts an argument. Just wondering where people weigh in on the "gray rape" issue?
>
> Polly

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I don't believe that a woman that doesn't say "no" and doesn't fight against it in anyway, and is not drugged or held against her will is being raped. I feel bad for guys who have to decifer all this stuff we women try to throw at them.... they can't read minds.

Sure I think your husband is being insensitive, but raping you? I just don't think so. Now if his anger becomes violent, then that is another whole subject of which I hope you get urgent help for.

We women, (IMO) need to take a stand when we have needs and desires... like the need to feel appreciated and valued. Maybe you aren't feeling valued? maybe you feel like a "thing" that he is using?.....

I think if perhaps you got empowered and believed that you deserved such things and learned how to voice those things in a positive manner-- then I'd hope your husband-- if he cares about you, will be more than happy to oblige-- as it will also make his life better too.

I think this is more of a situation of "gray communication".

I so hope your husband will be less selfish and that you will be more able to express your upsets. I'm sure it must be such a difficult place that you are in right now.

hoping for you,

flutterby-mandy ps-- hope I didn't offend you-- been told I come across too strong sometimes. I sure don't mean to offend.

 

Re: Gray Rape

Posted by fleeting flutterby on December 31, 2008, at 18:13:59

In reply to Re: Gray Rape, posted by fleeting flutterby on December 31, 2008, at 17:56:20

I apologize if I seemed a bit rough in my above post..... it's just......

I think that using the word "rape" when there isn't violence involved, when it's not about overpowering another, is making the very act of rape less understandable. too much ambiguity and no one will understand what is and what is not rape. (touchy subject for me)

I wish your therapist would have said it's a "sexual insensitivity" problem on your husband's part.... or "insensitive selfishness"

this just bothers me.... not about you-- but about your therapist and the word choice. but-- maybe it's just me and I really don't understand your whole situation. maybe there are more details that I just don't know............

anyway-- I do feel for you in your struggles. ... I'll keep quiet now....*blushing*....

please, take care

flutterby-mandy

 

Re: Gray Rape PollyFarm fleeting flutterby

Posted by Gabette on January 2, 2009, at 20:51:30

In reply to Re: Gray Rape, posted by fleeting flutterby on December 31, 2008, at 18:13:59

I agree, totally, rape is rape, not date rape, not grey rape..

If the anger contains threats, yes I'd agree it's rape.


He's insensitive.. YES

It's painful to feel you have to have sex to appease, and are left crying.. it's devastating, soul destroying I've been there.
But.. if you have sex with him if you "give in"
it's NOT rape.

If you didn't "give in" what would happen?
If it's a matter of dealing with a sulking
lout for a while, it's not in the rape catetory.
Giving in is only encouraging his behaviour.

If you give into a child if they whine long enough it only teaches them if they keep whining they'll get what they want.

And if you feel you can't say "NO" because you don't want to upset him, because he'll leave you,
or you can't stand his bad mood, then there are deep problems that need to be examined so you develop or maintain, an independent sense of self worth


 

Re: Gray Rape PollyFarm

Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 5, 2009, at 22:58:10

In reply to Re: Gray Rape PollyFarm fleeting flutterby, posted by Gabette on January 2, 2009, at 20:51:30

Oh very well said, Gabette.

thank you.

flutterby-mandy..... hope you are OK PollyFarm

 

Re: Gray Rape a mans view

Posted by manic666 on May 3, 2009, at 11:59:06

In reply to Gray Rape, posted by PollyFarm on December 31, 2008, at 2:40:14

how come the sex is so disturbing. you must have been havin sex before married, or mabye not,what has changed, if you love your husband tell him what he is doing you dont like. talk about it.just because you dont want sex dont mean he dosent.your marrige is in trouble if you let this go on ,you no that dont you . fair enough if he dosent turn you on, or he hasnt a clue about forplay.if you dont want sex full stop?were do you go from hear , do you give him permision to sleep with other people an leave you alone ,he is human an wants sex with his wife .mabye you dont want him anymore.but he need s release an you dont . that just wont work sorry .


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