Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 867039

Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

My husband and I have beem married for 23 years. We both have two daughters each from previous relationships. All of our daughters are adults now, and we have many grandchildren. I am 58, he is 61.

I haven't been able to confront my husband about this, or talk about to ANYONE. I'm so devastated, I feel just frozen in disbelief and confusion. I hope you can give me some feedback to help me address this issue and try to heal, because I don't know where to start. Here is what happened:

A couple of weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. My husband was still awake using the computer. It did't worry me much that I've awakened several times before, to see him masturbating, assuming of course, that he's watching the usual naked women adult porn sites. At the point I awoke this time, he was just then returning from the bathroom, but his AOL account page was still on the screen, showing the list of his Favorite Places, websites he frequently visits. As I walked by the computer screen, on the Favorites list I saw these websites: "Young Boys Video", "Daughters and Daddies" and "Daddy Doing Her". Investigating further, a few days later I got up the nerve to check the Temporary Internet Files. There I found cookies for sites named "Sweetest Boy", "Incest dot com" and "Young/OldSex" just to name a few.

I welcome anything that anyone has to say to me here in this forum. After 23 years of marriage I feel I'm living with a stranger. Please help.


 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! Emmie

Posted by fleeting flutterby on December 7, 2008, at 20:32:48

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

yikes! I'm so sorry.
I can only imagine that you feel you live with a stranger!!

not that you should do this-- but if it were me-- being a child abuse survivor-- I'd have a SERIOUS talk with him and say that if he doesn't go with me to see a therapist -- things between us will change drastically.

but......... that is what I'd do-- you have to decide how you will deal with this from your own place--

I do hope that you are are able and willing to protect those that are not able to protect themselves.

I wish you peace and the power to do what is right. please keep us posted.

best to you
flutterby-mandy

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! fleeting flutterby

Posted by fayeroe on December 11, 2008, at 16:33:03

In reply to Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! Emmie, posted by fleeting flutterby on December 7, 2008, at 20:32:48

I am so very sorry that you've been put in this situation by your husband.

I'd go along with FF and as she said, that would be what "I" would do. Even without past abuse issues, I would certainly want answers and soon.

Good luck, Pat

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by Sigismund on December 11, 2008, at 19:45:51

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

I dunno.....but it occurred to me that he might be feeling nearly dead and be desiring desire....anything to make him feel some lust.

In past times people of a certain age were not expected to be sexual, nor did they expect it of themselves.

Now the whole society from kids up has been thoroughly sexualised and the lines between children, adults and old people blurred.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by fleeting flutterby on December 12, 2008, at 17:18:54

In reply to Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Sigismund on December 11, 2008, at 19:45:51

> I dunno.....but it occurred to me that he might be feeling nearly dead and be desiring desire....anything to make him feel some lust.
>
> In past times people of a certain age were not expected to be sexual, nor did they expect it of themselves.
>
> Now the whole society from kids up has been thoroughly sexualised and the lines between children, adults and old people blurred.<<<

-----While I agree that he could be feeling "dead" as Sigismund said, and also desiring "desire"..... I think any mentally healthy adult understands and respects the boundaries of adults and children in regards to sexuality. this to me is going beyond healthy and can result in abuse to a child/or children.

with that said, I think it's awesome that this culture is recently recognizing that elders have sexual desires-- but it's where the culture aims sexual desires at that we must be careful.

I believe it is EVERY single adults duty to protect children from that which they aren't physically or emotionally developed enough to accept and understand..... when the children aren't respected and protected -- it can only lead to the demise of all humanity. :o(

there is a saying-- "Not doing can be the same as not caring"....

flutterby-mandy

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! fleeting flutterby

Posted by Sigismund on December 13, 2008, at 13:37:28

In reply to Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by fleeting flutterby on December 12, 2008, at 17:18:54

>I think any mentally healthy adult understands and respects the boundaries of adults and children in regards to sexuality. this to me is going beyond healthy and can result in abuse to a child/or children.

In the service stations here there are trashy sealed magazines on sale with names like 'Hot Teen Babes', and (from a distance) the kids on the cover look around 13, dressed in bondage gear.

To make it feel more acceptable to the kids, there are Bratz dolls.

I certainly didn't mean to imply there was anything good about it.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! Emmie

Posted by raisinb on December 14, 2008, at 14:14:14

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

Oh my goodness, that must have been such a traumatic shock. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Now, I will preface this by saying that I am not an expert, a couples' therapist, or an expert on child abuse, so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

But...there is a difference between exploring and doing. Looking at these websites may be the start of something he will escalate, but it's perfectly possible that it is not...that he's just exploring a side of his sexuality. There is also a possibility that there is something missing for him emotionally in his life, and these particular sexual outlets are the way he's trying to approach those needs. In my experience, men can be confused or out of touch with emotional needs and try to get those needs met sexually.

But in any case, I think you need to talk to him about this, honestly. And if you two can't talk about it honestly and nondefensively, then couples' therapy helps many. Part of being in an intimate relationship is struggling to understand and be part of each others' needs and desires, yet setting limits, at the same time, when something is clearly not okay. Open conversations, and perhaps therapy, can help you and he figure out which is which and what to do. But I think the worst part is the secrecy--that is true of any relationship issue.

I wish you luck in dealing with this.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by paxvox59 on December 27, 2008, at 20:07:10

In reply to Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! Emmie, posted by raisinb on December 14, 2008, at 14:14:14

A touchy issue, to be sure. There is no RIGHT answer or response to this. This could be a perverse curiosity or a deviant behavior---but who can know for sure? There is a boundry, like some have said, between children and adults when it comes to sexuality. This boundry has, curiously, changed over time. I mean, my grandmother was MARRIED at 15 to a 22-year-old man, and had her first kid at 16. Conversely, if some man touched my 13-year-old daugher, I'd kill him. What to do, what to do.... I know that I personally went through a "porno" curiosity when my (now ex-)wife decided to deny me any physical or sexual contact with her. I would MUCH preferred to have been "looking" at my wife---but that denied "caused" me to look elsewhere. Was it right? Who can say....but she was pissed as hell when she found out about it, and I don't think she ever forgave me for it. To her, it WAS cheating even if it was "just cyber". I guess that once the mind starts wandering that the body is sure (and soon) to follow! I would suggest that you ask your husband to go to counseling with you with a sex-therapist to work these issues out by an "objective" third party. That way, it is not you versus him and it can be a family solution to this problem.

PAX

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by PhoenixGirl on December 28, 2008, at 9:06:41

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

I don't have advice, but I wanted to say I wish you strength in dealing with this struggle.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by Zeba on January 28, 2009, at 22:32:06

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

I don't post on babble anymore but sometimes lurk, like maybe once per month. This was just too serious to ignore. Sorry if I sound harsh.

I will start by saying that I do psychological evaluations for the courts. I also have worked wiht sex offenders, and so I get a lot of evaluations of persons who have been charged with sex offenses. I don't want to scare you, but if your husband is looking at child pornography sooner or later he will be arrested. The FBI and local, county, and state police departments all monitor these sites. It is only a matter of time before he is sucked into the web. It is a felony offense to look at child pornography on the Internet. Why you ask? Because these are real children who are being abused by someone, and people who look at these sites promote the continued practice of child abuse.

I realize you and others may think me harsh, but he needs to get help and soon before he is arrested. Even erasing a hard drive does not do the trick. They have ways of finding stuff that was on the hard drive. I have seen way too many guys who were arrested for Possession of Child Pornography. If you have a therapist, it would be best to go that route first before talking to your husband.

Zeba

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by Bird Watcher on February 3, 2009, at 16:14:35

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

Emmie,
I am so sorry. If you can afford it, you must go to a marriage counselor now. If he refuses to go, go without him. You must find out what steps to take concerning this. It is possible that it is just a fantasy that he is acting out on the computer and he is not actually doing anything, but it is very disturbing nonetheless. My heart goes out to you.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help! Emmie

Posted by garnet71 on February 13, 2009, at 0:15:21

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

(((((((Emmie)))))

I hope you are still checking in here. Emmie, it has nothing to do with you - or sex. Your husband seems to be - I am 99% sure - a sex addict. It's not about sex; it's an addiction to be treated like a drug, gambling, or alchohol addiction. I repeat-it has nothign to do with sex!!

I've been though it, I know how hard it is. Trust me though-it's not about you..I had sex with my X each and every day we were together-at least once per day--and average 3 x per day. Sometimes 5 or 6...I always made a point to be sexy, playful, and adventurous in the bedroom; it didn't matter--I found out later that even right before/after us, he would be mb on internet.

It's a high-it's conditioned--they build up tolerance. He probably started with 'regular porn', then built a tolerance, needing more and more extreme to 'get high'. Just like any drug...like another said, this is how they lead up to crime...they need more and more to get that high...the tolerance..Please understand this.

Dr. Patrick Carnes' book - Internet Sex Addiction, is by far the best resource I've come across.

http://www.sexhelp.com/

Unfortunately, sex addiction is the toughest to treat and recover from. You can stay away from gambling places, bars, and drug friends - but you can't 'erase' your sexuality. Sorry, just can't put it lightly. You have a rough road ahead of you. It makes no sense to sugar coat the situation, or say your husband just 'isn't getting his desires fulfilled' - that is bs.

Please write back and let us know you are ok.

 

Re: Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!

Posted by manic666 on May 6, 2009, at 5:08:32

In reply to Husband's SHAMEFUL Interests - Please Help!, posted by Emmie on December 6, 2008, at 13:36:27

what garnet says is true,i mean i look at porn now an then im a guy , but i look to the mature site , it dont seem right to me to look at any one younger than my kids an there 30+ i like to look at a muture woman that is well preserved. but i would not masterbate to them, me an the wife would watch a porn film to stimulate us, but what your saying is beyound that , you no he his masterbateing to these films if my wife found my doing that to any film she would blow her top an say whats wrong with me,so how come you new he masterbates to vids an you said nothing .seem, he has moved on to the unexceptable i my eye,s an needs a slap,


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.