Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 851807

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How long to get over an ex?

Posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 12:56:46

Question for you all:
How long should it take to get over an ex? When do you start dating again?

I dated a guy for about 1 year, it's been over for like 6 weeks. Our relationship started going downhill slowing after like 7 months. It took me many months and tiny break ups to finally work up to make the final break up and part ways. Sometimes I miss him, but I feel like I'm over him. I'm anxious to start dating again. I want to feel close to someone again.

What do you all think? I know some of you have a few years or decades of experience and I value your opinion =)

Peace,
JayMac

 

Re: How long to get over an ex? JayMac

Posted by stellabystarlight on September 14, 2008, at 19:10:39

In reply to How long to get over an ex?, posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 12:56:46

Hi Jay,

I rarely go outside of the psych board, but I happened to stop by the relationship board and saw your post. Gosh, I can't believe you're going through a break-up on top of everything else! I'm sorry you're under so much stress.

I have dated a lot and had more than my share of boyfriends before getting married. So, I have experienced many, many break-ups with varying degrees of pain, but I always recovered in the end - even when I thought the pain would do me in.

Interesting you say your relationship started going downhill after about 7 months, because I would usually find out if the relationship was going to survive or not around the 6 month mark. Far as your question of how long it takes to get over an ex - well, it depends on the intensity of the relationship. If I miss him a couple of months after the break-up, but knew that it was over...I would know that the anxiety/pain was about my lonliness and not really about him. I know that some people say to wait before dating again, but I always kept myself open to dates. I met my husband within 2 weeks of ending a tumultuous 3 year relationship. And within those 2 weeks, I must have gone on 3 different dates before meeting him. Of course, it's up to you, but I think you should keep your heart and mind open to dating. Even if you don't meet your soulmate, and end up with a dull date, you'll have learned something about yourself through that person!

I know how smart and insightful you are from your posts, so I have no doubt that everything will work out for you!

Take care and I'm sure will talk again.
Stellabystarlight

 

Re: How long to get over an ex? stellabystarlight

Posted by JayMac on September 14, 2008, at 21:58:04

In reply to Re: How long to get over an ex? JayMac, posted by stellabystarlight on September 14, 2008, at 19:10:39

My break up actually hasn't been bad. It's been great, actually. I feel so relieved. He was a complete A**Hole with an extra large hole!! No joke.

Regardless, I do want to be READY to date. Whenever I'm not ready to date I attract the wrong guys, at least even more than usual.

I went on a first date this Friday night. The guy was nice. We met again last night, but I ain't feelin it. But at least I know now rather than months from now! That's big progress for me.

Anyhow, thank you for your input =) I think it depends as well. I don't really believe in "rules" for these types of things.

Talk laters!
Jay

 

Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or

Posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 14:10:35

In reply to How long to get over an ex?, posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 12:56:46

pscyhologist? (Therapist - HAH!)
Let's see, over the ex-h but still live in his home ... still crave human contact, his being the most I get ... still in love with Therapist but it's been like I think five years or so, still feeling depression from anxiety of his rejection of me as patient, too much trouble .. no doubt I am ugly as well .... lover? I don't remember what it's like to have a lover.

 

Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or susan47

Posted by Phillipa on September 20, 2008, at 13:03:32

In reply to Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or, posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 14:10:35

Susan write me. Love Phillipa

 

Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or

Posted by tinkerbelle06 on September 25, 2008, at 20:53:25

In reply to Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or susan47, posted by Phillipa on September 20, 2008, at 13:03:32

I've heard/read on several occassions that it takes 50% of the time you spent dating/together to get over a realtionship. So, if you dated a year, then it should "technically" take 6 months to get completely over him, according to the "experts".

I think I believe that. In the most recent article I read, I think they said it would be okay to begin dating once you felt comfortable, but that you would still be dealing with issues from that relationship and perhaps even missing aspects from your relationship with that person for several weeks/months after it was over. I totally belive this.

I dated my first real boyfriend for 3 years. I didn't date again seriously for two years, but I think I was totally over him within a year and a half. I began dating new people witin three months of the break-up, but I wasn't completely over my boyfriend for quite a while. I had a tendancy to still compare other guys to him until that point.

My next real boyfriend I dated for 10 months. I think it probably did take me 5 months to get over that relationship, but only because the break-up was so turbulent. It caused me to be very nervous about dating again and the break-up was really public. So, I had a hard time knowing who I could trust.

My next serious boyfriend I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up, I started dating another guy just 4 months later. I don't think I was completely over the first guy until the second guy and I had been together for about six months. He had JUST lost his first love, just weeks before, and I KNOW he was not over her even when he and I had been together for two years. He was still comparing me to her and telling his family how he wished I was more like her. However, we have now been together for FOUR YEARS. We're both over our past relationships, but if we break up now, I guess it will take over two years to get over each other. Ouch!

 

Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or tinkerbelle06

Posted by JayMac on September 26, 2008, at 13:15:44

In reply to Re: How long to get over an ex?Husband, lover, or, posted by tinkerbelle06 on September 25, 2008, at 20:53:25

Hi Tinkerbelle,

Yeah...I've heard that same theory. Although, I dated a guy for about 2 years and it took me 7 months to get over him. I dated a guy for 2 weeks and it literally took me 2 months to get over him. Who knows? Every situation/relationship is different.

Another theory I've heard about relationships is: In regards to how long it takes to break up with someone, however long you have been together, divide that by 2, and that's how long it has taken you to break up, which facinates me. It's been true for my past serious relationship. I tend to stick around too long even though I know it's not going to work out. My last relationship, I knew around 6 months into it that we should break up, but it took another 6 months of arguing, breaking up, getting back together imagining that things are great again, and repeating the whole cycle. It's called the honeymoon cycle.

Anyhow, all these theories and such are interesting. I wonder if there are any studies about these concepts.

Thanks for your input!!
Peace,
JayMac

 

Re: How long to get over an ex?

Posted by Bird Watcher on September 29, 2008, at 4:08:49

In reply to How long to get over an ex?, posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 12:56:46

> Question for you all:
> How long should it take to get over an ex? When do you start dating again?
>
> I dated a guy for about 1 year, it's been over for like 6 weeks. Our relationship started going downhill slowing after like 7 months. It took me many months and tiny break ups to finally work up to make the final break up and part ways. Sometimes I miss him, but I feel like I'm over him. I'm anxious to start dating again. I want to feel close to someone again.
>
> What do you all think? I know some of you have a few years or decades of experience and I value your opinion =)
>
> Peace,
> JayMac


I can only go by my experience in answering this and don't know how much help it will be. I have never been able to get over anyone until I literally moved on to the next. It has always been hard for me to end a romantic relationship because I have always invested all of myself into every one I've ever had. And I don't like for someone to feel like I've rejected them, probably because I know what it feels like to be rejected.

Breaking up is so hard anyway. I've never been able to come right out and do it unless I literally split with absolutely no contact afterwards. I somehow couldn't tell them I wanted out face to face.

I have been in dead-end relationships for much longer than I should have. It was a fuzzy line between love and loyalty.

Then, after I left, I couldn't get them out of my mind. Not until I met someone new who turned out to be something more. This could be a few months, years or days. One thing I learned about myself is that I don't like being alone. Yet, there is nothing worse than living a lie. When you find the real thing you will know it. I finally did and he loves me in spite of me.

There is someone out there for you. But maybe you should try to find the good in being alone for a while. I think I might be a healthier person and have more self-esteem if I had done that. It's just so #### hard (to be alone).

I wish you the best and am sorry for any pain you are going through.


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