Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 848649

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Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long) Just Me33

Posted by JayMac on August 28, 2008, at 22:34:01

In reply to Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 28, 2008, at 9:46:16

You are very welcome! You can do this, you can get through it all. Yes, it takes time, just like it took time to cultivate the relationship you had. Although I don't really "know" you, I do know that you are strong and you will get through this and become even stronger! Blessings to you.

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long) Just Me33

Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2008, at 23:14:21

In reply to Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 27, 2008, at 15:13:56

Let me welcome you to babble as I said in the other thread post it on social maybe it will be given to them or some of them and also try admin. Good luck with this relationship so sorry. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long)

Posted by Just Me33 on August 29, 2008, at 15:24:09

In reply to Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 27, 2008, at 15:13:56

SUSAN47...SORRY I disappeared! And yes, I am SO VERY lucky to have SUNNY10 as my bestest friend....she is nothing short of amazing...(and i AM a gal!)I am just figuring out how this works....I have been sitting around waiting for an email that says there was a posting....you can read my posting in relationships.

To everyone: Well, as a follow up, I called R last night, he answered immediately and said he was just about to call me....now, he had cut me off from communication with him for two days, which doesn;t seem long to most, but i was dying inside.

Ok, he DID apologize for the recent Jekyl and Hyde routine and said he did love me very much, he is just in way over his head and under stress and cannot find someone else to rent his house and he doesn't want to sell it and he is concerned about finding a job in my state, etc...I told him to take a step back and relax and take some more time, but I am still upset that he went from one extremem to another so quickly. As Sunny10 told me, just guard your heart! so, what now? I love him so much, but this really hurt me for the past week and I don't want to go through it again, but I alos don't want to have a long distance relationship forever! How do I know if he will EVER be ready to move?!

As just an FYI, I do not have access to a computer on nights or weekends, so if I do not reply, that is why...

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (lo

Posted by rskontos on August 29, 2008, at 17:18:57

In reply to Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 29, 2008, at 15:24:09

Justme,

I agree with Mac and Phillipa, but I also think that it is a big deal for him and for you too. So if its something that might need some time to work out it would be worth it too you and R to take all the time so that he doesn't feel stressed. And of course it is going to make you feel worried but just be as patience as possible. For a man to tell you all he has he means it just let the particulars work out as they are meant too. In time this will just be growing pains of a wonderful relationship.

I understand why your friend said to guard your heart she doesn't want you hurt. But you have already let it go. You heart I mean.

take care, and I will send my prayers it all works out.

rsk

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long)

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 13:01:42

In reply to Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 27, 2008, at 15:13:56

> I am new here (a very good friend, my closest, actually, told me about this website) and i don't really know where to start.
>
> My friends husband "set me up" sort of with his best friend, I will just call R, who lives in another state. R and I hit it off from the very first night, on the phone. He sent me two dozen roses with a beautiful card just a week later. Th
> en, a month later, he flew to meet me and it was fireworks...he was so loving and caring, special, romantic, endearing, emotional...everything was great...he returned home after 6 days and we continued to talk on the phone every day, once in the morning, in the afternoon and two hours at night. Not long after, he began telling his best friend and me that he intended to relocate for several reasons, one being me! he told me and them that he loved me, i was the woman of his dreams, he wanted to marry me, etc...
>
> He came BACK to visit to meet my parents, who had flown in from a different state...he asked my dad for permission to marry me, told all my friends how much he loved me, etc...THEN I went to visit him in his home state and it was another fantastic visit.
>
> He has been EXTREMELY stressed and overwhelmed about the move here....I have tried to be very supportive and understanding and patient,

Whoa. It sounds like you have been making some sacrifices. What have you had to be supportive, understanding, and patient about, exactly? Do not mince your words when you reply. Be honest about what this is about.

...." but all the while he is getting more and more stressed..."
What is his "stressed" behaviour .. exactly?

..."we had a misunderstanding where he felt that i had told his friends that he was cheating on me, when I ACTUALLY said that he was talking about this other girl and throwing it in my face and i didn't appreciate it"...

Uh-huh. Tell me more about this, exactly.

..."it got really blown out of proportion"....
according to whom? Exactly.

...."and now he has turned his phone off and won't return my calls"....
What, exactly, have your messages been saying? Or have you been talking to him in person? Be exact.

...."it has been two days and i am dying inside"....

Really. I know how that feels. It does feel like a death, and it's unbearable. But worth the growth, in the end.

...."I KNOW it has been only four months, but i cannot begin to explain how intense he is and how our relationship has been...YES, he started moving too fast, but I DO love him and he broke my heart."

Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember there is a reason he moved too fast. Remember there is a him outside of your four-month bubble, and there will be a him afterwards as there was a him before. Don't discount who he is outside of the four-month bubble. Get some perspective before it's too late, and you and he end up flogging each other with the remains of your respective dreams.

> Am i wrong to crave closure? Please do not send comments about it being 4 months, as i feel i have already tried to explain myself in regards to that. I have been married and divorced, had a troubled and emotionally abusive relationship and this was the man of my dreams....and my best friends husbands best friend, who, thank the good Lord, are still there for me and very supportive of me and don't know why he is acting like this. please help.

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long) susan47

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 13:06:21

In reply to Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 13:01:42

P.S. Don't spend too much time being a victim, remember there is a You as well, outside this four-month bubble. Although your whole life seemed to change in that time, the fact that it feels like it's ending now says you've invested too much of yourself too quickly without reading the emotional signposts along the way. You might be right for each other, but if you had another chance, would the outcome really be any different? Just a question. There would, of course, be lots of heaven and lots of hell in between. Things like this don't change overnight.

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long)

Posted by Fivefires on August 31, 2008, at 23:42:20

In reply to Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on August 27, 2008, at 15:13:56

Hey Just Me33 I just LOST a LONG post back to you!

It said all kinds of stuff and now I'm so upset I want to punch something; there's gotta be something around here.

Relationships where a person is very intelligent and even on the side of being a 'con' is what I've been in, and I'm no Einstein, so trying to stay one step ahead of him and his crew is nearly imposs'!

I say 'I don't need him!', but I've no money, and his mother whom he does care for does, and could hire help. I'm sick, and have no one to care for me so he does, when she could pay a home nurse.

This feels like I'm mad. WOW, it's a wonder I'm not breaking my keys on the keyboard. I'm mad, when not sad.

How are you? What's going on? Will u take him back. Will i? This is very upsetting, breaking up has always been the thing in life that has upset me most. Someone leaving me? People leave me? Why didn't my parents tell me? Thought was loved? Oops .. not by him. Oops .. happened again. But they love my body~!? But not me?

I'm so sorry we're in this. Best to you.

5f

 

Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long)

Posted by Just Me33 on September 2, 2008, at 9:06:30

In reply to Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 13:01:42

> > I am new here (a very good friend, my closest, actually, told me about this website) and i don't really know where to start.
> >
> > My friends husband "set me up" sort of with his best friend, I will just call R, who lives in another state. R and I hit it off from the very first night, on the phone. He sent me two dozen roses with a beautiful card just a week later. Th
> > en, a month later, he flew to meet me and it was fireworks...he was so loving and caring, special, romantic, endearing, emotional...everything was great...he returned home after 6 days and we continued to talk on the phone every day, once in the morning, in the afternoon and two hours at night. Not long after, he began telling his best friend and me that he intended to relocate for several reasons, one being me! he told me and them that he loved me, i was the woman of his dreams, he wanted to marry me, etc...
> >
> > He came BACK to visit to meet my parents, who had flown in from a different state...he asked my dad for permission to marry me, told all my friends how much he loved me, etc...THEN I went to visit him in his home state and it was another fantastic visit.
> >
> > He has been EXTREMELY stressed and overwhelmed about the move here....I have tried to be very supportive and understanding and patient,
>
> Whoa. It sounds like you have been making some sacrifices. What have you had to be supportive, understanding, and patient about, exactly? Do not mince your words when you reply. Be honest about what this is about.
>
> ...." but all the while he is getting more and more stressed..."
> What is his "stressed" behaviour .. exactly?
>
> ..."we had a misunderstanding where he felt that i had told his friends that he was cheating on me, when I ACTUALLY said that he was talking about this other girl and throwing it in my face and i didn't appreciate it"...
>
> Uh-huh. Tell me more about this, exactly.
>
> ..."it got really blown out of proportion"....
> according to whom? Exactly.
>
> ...."and now he has turned his phone off and won't return my calls"....
> What, exactly, have your messages been saying? Or have you been talking to him in person? Be exact.
>
> ...."it has been two days and i am dying inside"....
>
> Really. I know how that feels. It does feel like a death, and it's unbearable. But worth the growth, in the end.
>
> ...."I KNOW it has been only four months, but i cannot begin to explain how intense he is and how our relationship has been...YES, he started moving too fast, but I DO love him and he broke my heart."
>
> Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember there is a reason he moved too fast. Remember there is a him outside of your four-month bubble, and there will be a him afterwards as there was a him before. Don't discount who he is outside of the four-month bubble. Get some perspective before it's too late, and you and he end up flogging each other with the remains of your respective dreams.
>
> > Am i wrong to crave closure? Please do not send comments about it being 4 months, as i feel i have already tried to explain myself in regards to that. I have been married and divorced, had a troubled and emotionally abusive relationship and this was the man of my dreams....and my best friends husbands best friend, who, thank the good Lord, are still there for me and very supportive of me and don't know why he is acting like this. please help.
>
>


Well, he called yesterday and left a message....so I called him back last night and we talked about our weekend and what we had done and everything was going just fine...then SOMEHOW we got into it and an argument ensued...well, I ended up saying a lot of things that i had bottled up inside and it all came out...I told him he was F^#$@ing up and that I was a good thing and that I didn't appreciate the way he had been treating me lately...I deserved better than this, etc...he said, AGAIN, that he could not talk to me anymore and hung up on me....now I HATE being hung up on, can't stand it...so, of course, I tried to call him back several times and of course, he did not answer...I was SO upset, just crying uncontrollably...thank GOD that Sunny10 lives the next street over...so I drive over to her house, just wailing and screaming (poor Sunny10) because I did NOT want to be home alone, at that point.

Anyways, I know that he said that he didn't know WHEN/IF he could move here and he didn't expect for me to wait for him....and that kills me....if he loved me so much, wouldn't he WANT me to wait for him...wouldn't he try harder to make this work?! I am so devastated, so hurt, so confused...how can he flip the switch so fast?

 

How he can flip the switch Just Me33

Posted by susan47 on September 3, 2008, at 19:28:47

In reply to Re: Suffering from Breakup...new here....help! (long), posted by Just Me33 on September 2, 2008, at 9:06:30

He had no trouble turning it on and now he has no trouble turning it off. And even if he did, it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, to begin with. And I was wondering if you have some of the same issues I have, one of which is possibly showing up here, the issue of abandonment. Sounds like you're terrified of being left without him.
And perhaps jealous to the point of extreme insecurity? Or is it extreme insecurity showing up as extreme jealousy? Does it show up like that for you? Because it does, for me, when I get so closely attached to someone, so bound with them somehow .. and I don't understand how it could happen to me, either.
I feel for what you're going through (((JustMe33)))

 

Re: How he can flip the switch:SUSAN47

Posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 9:53:59

In reply to How he can flip the switch Just Me33, posted by susan47 on September 3, 2008, at 19:28:47

> He had no trouble turning it on and now he has no trouble turning it off. And even if he did, it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, to begin with. And I was wondering if you have some of the same issues I have, one of which is possibly showing up here, the issue of abandonment. Sounds like you're terrified of being left without him.
> And perhaps jealous to the point of extreme insecurity? Or is it extreme insecurity showing up as extreme jealousy? Does it show up like that for you? Because it does, for me, when I get so closely attached to someone, so bound with them somehow .. and I don't understand how it could happen to me, either.
> I feel for what you're going through (((JustMe33)))
>


Oh, I have MAJOR fears of abandonment. My ex husband and I were married 7 years...the last year, he began to go out and stay out late, then it got worse and he just stopped coming home and would turn his phone off....it was absolutely devastating and so painful for me...I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...so I finally went to see a lawyer and just ended it. It was a very dark time in my life to get through and it took me being medicated and taking time off of work to get past it.

THEN, I immediately met my now ex-fiance, L...he moved in after 3 months of dating and then we moved to a different state together...twice...his job took us from state to state...well, then he began to show the same behaviors after three years...staying out late, then stopped coming home...of course, he always apologized profusely and begged me to stay, so I continued to do so...then, in the midst, SUNNY10's hubby inroduced me to R. and I knew after talking to him every night and day for hours, I had a way out from my fiance....I had someone "waiting in the wings", so I kicked L out...then R and I began to have the whirlwind romance that I had always dreamed of...and things went south FAST...

Now, mind you, they were all "getting what they needed" at home and I cook, clean, hold a steady job...all of those things...

So it HAS been that I have always been with someone...well, at least for the past 12 years...

Do I give too much, too soon?...I am an enabler? A doormat? I DO want to be loved...so desperately...and my other friends and SUNNY10 say how great of a person I am...then WHY can't I be loved like I love these men?

One of my friends, who has been single for 11 years, once told me that she would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than no relationship at all...and I told her she was out of her mind....but now, I am almost feeling the same way...WHY?

They say (I know, who is "they" really!?)that you find love when you are not looking for it...but shouldn't I start a search...go to groups, go online to one of those matchmaking sites....what do I do?

Thank you for being here and helping me...SUNNY10 has been an absolute savior, as well, yet I still feel so lonely....

 

Re: How he can flip the switch:

Posted by Fivefires on September 4, 2008, at 13:09:22

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:SUSAN47, posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 9:53:59

Someone told me once that I get so into the guy I'm with, I become like a tiny bird in their hand, which they can either be kind to or crush.

Jeez .. I'm prob' a lot older than you guys, but somehow you begin to see you are 'very much an individual and for this you feel proud of yourself'.

I've looked back at situations like this I've been in, and here I am in another one, and ya' know what? I'm 'picky'.

Yes, I am. And, I 'give' a lot, and I guess it's not really right TO EXPECT it in return, but I have always tended to expect such. If I could change the rules 'they'(?) wrote, I'd change that one.

I miss a man who gave me so little in comparison with what I placed on his table. I loved and maybe I do still some (been a week and a half), but he should have made a lot of different moves in the long time we've been together and I'm really sick of waiting for something that may never come.

So, I'm moving on, tho' to tell you the truth I don't really know what that is supposed to mean o_o.

I'll bet he'll miss me tho'. And, you girls are the type men will look back on and think 'she was something else'. I really think this.

Well of course there's the deal where you go looking for someone to hurt you because you're used to being hurt. Let's try not do this, huh? Yeah right; not easy. I'm like a magnet for the men who need fixin'.

But, things are changing, changes happen; believe and have faith and we'll change and our lives will follow.

Oh, and Just Me33, when you said 'turn it on and turn it off', I thought to myself, this guy's gotta be another Gemini.(?)

It's so good to be able to come here and talk about this pain in our hearts, and not feel so alone.

If I looked like what I've been eating the last few days, I'd be a chocolate covered potato chip. That comfort food really works well if ya' need to distract.

Speaking of distracting though, don't agree it's the end-all to probs'; think this talking does wonders as well.

5f

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 13:27:11

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:, posted by Fivefires on September 4, 2008, at 13:09:22

> Someone told me once that I get so into the guy I'm with, I become like a tiny bird in their hand, which they can either be kind to or crush.
>
> Jeez .. I'm prob' a lot older than you guys, but somehow you begin to see you are 'very much an individual and for this you feel proud of yourself'.
>
> I've looked back at situations like this I've been in, and here I am in another one, and ya' know what? I'm 'picky'.
>
> Yes, I am. And, I 'give' a lot, and I guess it's not really right TO EXPECT it in return, but I have always tended to expect such. If I could change the rules 'they'(?) wrote, I'd change that one.
>
> I miss a man who gave me so little in comparison with what I placed on his table. I loved and maybe I do still some (been a week and a half), but he should have made a lot of different moves in the long time we've been together and I'm really sick of waiting for something that may never come.
>
> So, I'm moving on, tho' to tell you the truth I don't really know what that is supposed to mean o_o.
>
> I'll bet he'll miss me tho'. And, you girls are the type men will look back on and think 'she was something else'. I really think this.
>
> Well of course there's the deal where you go looking for someone to hurt you because you're used to being hurt. Let's try not do this, huh? Yeah right; not easy. I'm like a magnet for the men who need fixin'.
>
> But, things are changing, changes happen; believe and have faith and we'll change and our lives will follow.
>
> Oh, and Just Me33, when you said 'turn it on and turn it off', I thought to myself, this guy's gotta be another Gemini.(?)
>
> It's so good to be able to come here and talk about this pain in our hearts, and not feel so alone.
>
> If I looked like what I've been eating the last few days, I'd be a chocolate covered potato chip. That comfort food really works well if ya' need to distract.
>
> Speaking of distracting though, don't agree it's the end-all to probs'; think this talking does wonders as well.
>
> 5f

If you read my post to Susan47, a lot of my issue is this abandonment issue, being alone...I am dying inside and I want to call him so bad and tell him that maybe this WAS partly my fault, because I DO have abandonment issues...then, we could remain talking on the phone (as he lives in a different state) until I am ready to move on....but that would be so terribly wrong! But it would make me feel so good.

I wonder how long you have been with his man that you have just moved on from (or are at least, in the process of moving on).

And there must be TWO magnets, because I am the other one...I feel the need to nurture and help and love the men I have been with, even if I do not get the same in return.

I am the opposite of a chip...cannot eat hardly at all...seem to be able to stomach wine pretty well, though!

Oh, gosh, yes...he is a Gemini...to a "T." Was yours?

Tell me what to do to resist the urge to NOT call him! I just wish I could still crawl into his brain...is he sorry, does he miss me and think about me...or has he thrown out all the mementos and moved on?

 

Re: How he can flip the switch

Posted by Fivefires on September 5, 2008, at 14:56:07

In reply to How he can flip the switch Just Me33, posted by susan47 on September 3, 2008, at 19:28:47

Hey Just Me33

Something's awry w/ my pute.

How not to call him? Oh heck, just get it over w/ and call him. Can you feel any worse? Oh maybe a little but maybe not.

You touched the burner once, but I know you want to check and see if it's still warm.

You can be true to your feelings. This should be nothing of which to be ashamed. Saying you miss someone is being honest. The heck w/ all the pride right now; sometimes need to be real.

Being to proud to say how you feel about him or the two of you is real and don't be ashamed.

Don't play games. If you have to do this, who are you? You could lose site of self and he certainly would.

He'll surely never forget you if your straight with him.

Of course we don't go around stalking or anything.

It's just a sort-a-friendly 'how's it goin? been thinking about ya' call.
I've gotta' get offline before it throws me off.

Hang on girl. More talk later.

Gotta call ISP!

5f

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Just Me33 on September 5, 2008, at 17:22:59

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch, posted by Fivefires on September 5, 2008, at 14:56:07

Oh, no...computer glitches....not my cup of tea.

I am feeling a little better each day, but I still have that itch to call and at least say, GOODBYE! I know he lives in another state and I will probably never see him again, but I need it for me...

What if he says something ugly....maybe I would be back to square one on the healing process? But if it amicably, I certainly could handle that...I really don't want answers from him, I am done searching for those...just a goodbye, it has been a great four month romance...wrong place and time...

Do you think I am capable of handling that?

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Just Me33 on September 5, 2008, at 17:24:00

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by Just Me33 on September 5, 2008, at 17:22:59

Thanks for all the friendly advice...and for just being there.

I hope that you are doing ok...what has been going on???

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Fivefires on September 10, 2008, at 14:08:40

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by Just Me33 on September 5, 2008, at 17:22:59

My reasons for suggesting you call is 1) to get it out of your head and over with, and 2) you don't want to look back 10yrs from now and know you didn't give it your best shot and 'what if' it would have worked.

I'd be here (Well, I'm not online everyday though, I'm sorry about this.), and there's always someone here to hold your hand if he is rude or plays one of those Gemini tricks like 'I'll call you back' and doesn't. Clue: Say "bet ya' won't' or 'Yeah talk to you next year' and laugh like it doens't bother you; he'll be lucky to get you again. (A tiny bit of game playing there.)

There's usually some charisma, gentleness, creativity, things interesting which are difficult to resist in this man, but then there's the opposites which are not good. I've hung onto one for over 10yrs and right now my life is in the rubish, really. He likes to 'be taken care of' not 'to take care of'.

I just told him when he said 'please don't leave me, I need you' ... 'reverse that, I've always given, my turn to need'.

He hasn't responded. He's dumbfounded. He prob' turned it off for a bit.

He/they appreciate a woman who has it altogether, because usually they don't, even though they say so. Jeez - Sounds like a lesson on astro.

will read your next post

5f

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Fivefires on September 10, 2008, at 14:20:48

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by Just Me33 on September 5, 2008, at 17:24:00

OMgoodness just about every thing that's going on is going on bad Just Me33.

I even called a warm line just to talk to someone a bit earlier and told him about my RDM(rainydayman)/ICM (ice cream man) = the gem*ni. Everyone wants him out of my life. I do lock up my pills etc. when he comes over. He's a bit of a sly dog, but he sure makes up for it in laughter and, when I'm in the mood. He loves to come over here and do a few errands for me, but always helps himself to some.

I'm not feeling well at all. I'm in a very long stint (Since Dec.) of a major depressive disorder and spend most of the day just lying in bed. It's the most horrible thing that's ever happened. I'm a tinge OCD, but my room looks like a twister went through it and blew every piece of paper into its wrong place and I don't even care o_o!

On Xanax-XR beneath regular Xanax prn, Effexor-XR in two doses totally 300mg a day, Provigil when can get samples, and levothyroxine. Anxiety is my major problem.

Umm, oh, .. Oh. I know> My fam-of-origin (I usually put FOO) has sorta' dum*ed me. They know I need their help. Also my three children 20s, early 30s, know I need their help. Yet, no one is coming to my aid.

I'm under a pile of house in a major depressive episode and sure could use a hand and no one's reaching in.

I've had first long term relationships. My first was a gem*ni; will always miss him. My current is the same.

Good luck w/ whatever you decide. I really hope I'm not steering you in the wrong direction, but you sound like a strong person who can dig herself back out of bit of put down. In my experience, they apologize later.

If things go awry, we're here for you.

best wishes, 5f

and: Anybody disagree w/ my advice; please let Just Me33 know. I'm certainly not a know-it-all.

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Just Me33 on September 16, 2008, at 14:29:54

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by Fivefires on September 10, 2008, at 14:20:48

Thought I posted back....we had a near miss hurricane, but all is ok.

It is OVER with R...I think he may be a tad crazy, besides being a confused Gemini....he keeps changing the story on this supposed cheating deal that I unveiled to his friends, that NEVER happened....we got in another screaming match, he hung up on me, called back and left a message and said he thinks we are "incompatible." I think he may have a screw loose and he is trying to just blame me, so that he can walk away scot-free!

ugh, I feel better....sorry...now my recent ex-fiance has been calling me, just to chat, tells me he misses me...which we had a TOXIC relationship, but it is still good to know there is someone thinking about you...I am so gullible...he lives hours away, though, now...

How are YOU??? What is going on with YOU lately? Haven't been around but I have been thinking about you!!!!

 

Re: How he can flip the switch: Just Me33

Posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 13:59:42

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:SUSAN47, posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 9:53:59


> Oh, I have MAJOR fears of abandonment. My ex husband and I were married 7 years...the last year, he began to go out and stay out late, then it got worse and he just stopped coming home and would turn his phone off....it was absolutely devastating and so painful for me...I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...so I finally went to see a lawyer and just ended it. It was a very dark time in my life to get through and it took me being medicated and taking time off of work to get past it.
>
> THEN, I immediately met my now ex-fiance, L...he moved in after 3 months of dating and then we moved to a different state together...twice...his job took us from state to state...well, then he began to show the same behaviors after three years...staying out late, then stopped coming home...of course, he always apologized profusely and begged me to stay, so I continued to do so...then, in the midst, SUNNY10's hubby inroduced me to R. and I knew after talking to him every night and day for hours, I had a way out from my fiance....I had someone "waiting in the wings", so I kicked L out...then R and I began to have the whirlwind romance that I had always dreamed of...and things went south FAST...
>
> Now, mind you, they were all "getting what they needed" at home and I cook, clean, hold a steady job...all of those things...
>
> So it HAS been that I have always been with someone...well, at least for the past 12 years...
>
> Do I give too much, too soon?...I am an enabler? A doormat? I DO want to be loved...so desperately...and my other friends and SUNNY10 say how great of a person I am...then WHY can't I be loved like I love these men?
>
> One of my friends, who has been single for 11 years, once told me that she would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than no relationship at all...and I told her she was out of her mind....but now, I am almost feeling the same way...WHY?
>
> They say (I know, who is "they" really!?)that you find love when you are not looking for it...but shouldn't I start a search...go to groups, go online to one of those matchmaking sites....what do I do?
>
> Thank you for being here and helping me...SUNNY10 has been an absolute savior, as well, yet I still feel so lonely....

You need to spend some time alone before you mee the right guy, and I'm sure whatever happens is meant to happen. I'm the same way, always wanting a relationship even when i have a terrible one, it's better than none at all. It sounds like you have rarely if ever had none at all. Even though you know it's the wrong mindset to have anything rather than nothing. Fear of abandmonment?
I'm a Borderline, which I was dx'd with this year. It sucks at first, then you realize there's a treatment for it and the criteria for the Dx don't have to be met all the time... so there's hope for getting over your fear. There really is.
I'm still just trying to find my hope. I think it might be in the people around me, who've come out the other side okay.

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 14:07:22

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 13:27:11

> If you read my post to Susan47, a lot of my issue is this abandonment issue, being alone...I am dying inside and I want to call him so bad and tell him that maybe this WAS partly my fault, because I DO have abandonment issues...then, we could remain talking on the phone (as he lives in a different state) until I am ready to move on....but that would be so terribly wrong! But it would make me feel so good.
>

I remember that feeling, keeping him on the phone until I felt able to hang up, able to feel better about my life, the one I still had to live.. without him. Thinking about all the women I am not. Feeling inadequate. Wanting his words to overcome my feelings. Sometimes it worked, but it's a stop-gap only. It will help you sleep that night. The next day is still there; the trick is not to think of the next day, only now.
And you may find out by crawling into his brain that you are sorry you asked. You may have a very minor role right now, and possibly one that would hurt you to know about. We can't be responsible for anyone else's thoughts or feelings; those are self-created and have little to do with us ourselves, as human beings.
I'm sorry to have such a shared experience.

 

Re: FIVEFIRES

Posted by Just Me33 on September 19, 2008, at 15:13:19

In reply to Re: FIVEFIRES, posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 14:07:22

Thank you for all of your understanding words...it helps to not feel like I am the only one in the world that feels so alone and misguided. I think, at this point, to even hear his voice would be a setback for me. I KNOW it is best to move on and be alone and learn to love myself right now, but it is unchartered waters and it IS so lonely. Even having wonderful friends, like Sunny10....I still go home to an empty house and lay down at night by myself. I am still alone with my racing thoughts...and occasional memories of him...and the actual physical pain that my heart feels when I wake up in the middle of the night. How long does it take to get better?

 

Re: How he can flip the switch:

Posted by Fivefires on September 21, 2008, at 2:22:20

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:, posted by Fivefires on September 4, 2008, at 13:09:22

My Gemini does the same thing Just Me33 re: something is going to go wrong or something has gone wrong. If he wants to leave here and go somewhere, he'll deliberately start an argument and hope I'll make him leave o_o and if something bad goes down and others know about it, well it can't have been him because he's everybody's friend!

I'm glad you see this as too much to handle on a regular basis. I've put many years into this one and have been through some tough stuff, tho' never married.

OMG he's not supposed to be here and HE IS. HE RANG THE DOORBELL. HAVE NOT SEEM IN NEARLY A MONTH. I'M TYPING QUIETLY AND SITTING AS STILL AS A MOUSE. OMG I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE TO HIDE MY PILLS SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT

YIKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SHALL I BE ASLEEP?

HE CAN'T GET IN. NO KEY. DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. FEEL LIKE A DEER FROZEN IN SOMEONE SITE.

HE KEEPS RINGING THE BELL.

I ALMOST PASSED OUT HOLDING MY BREATH.

BE W/ ME GUYS. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD LET HIM IN AND WILL TELL YOU WHY AS SOON AS I CAN RETURN.

5fffffffffffffffffff

 

Re: How he can flip the switch:

Posted by Fivefires on September 21, 2008, at 20:08:40

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch: Just Me33, posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 13:59:42

Something my therapist brought up Just Me33, ... if you were raised in a fam' w/ say 3,4,5 siblings, it is much harder to live alone when you 'grow up'. I had four sibs, two parents.

This makes some sense. I don't like being alone at all, well ... maybe a couple days reprieve froma fam', but living alone constantly, nope, yet here I am doing this.

(He came and left this morning. I can't believe he had the nerve. I told him 'no more' a week or more ago.)

The little lies, the thing he says will do and doesn't, the quite frankly stingyness(sp?) of gifts, the missing item, maybe my pills, once $, tricks ... moving things around in my house.

These things hurt and hurt and hurt until your your heart is beaten and battered and can hardly lift you up.

Your head knows this is wrong, but your a person w/ a good heart and you believe or want to believe others have them as well and you keep giving them another chance to change, but it's a sad fact 'many do not'.

Sometimes feel suffering from nothing else but a broken heart syndrome.

hang in there; know it's hard, 5f

 

Re: How he can flip the switch: Fivefires

Posted by Phillipa on September 21, 2008, at 20:47:02

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:, posted by Fivefires on September 21, 2008, at 20:08:40

Pattern to behavior. Phillipa

 

Re: How he can flip the switch:

Posted by Just Me33 on September 22, 2008, at 11:19:27

In reply to Re: How he can flip the switch:, posted by Fivefires on September 21, 2008, at 20:08:40

That is exactly what I do....give people just one more chance, then another, then another, only to be let down in the end and alone...AGAIN! I feel like such a sucker! It's like I am a magnet for these types!! I just try to keep telling myself that there IS someone out there that will love me the way that I love them...will I ever find him? Where is he!?!? I am so lonely!

Now you....WHY did you let him in? Tell me what happened...oh, I hate that you are in pain again and that he hurt you...it is like opening that wound, I know....I am here for you! hang in there!


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