Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 817118

Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man

Posted by noelle on March 10, 2008, at 15:17:15

Hi,
I hope this is right board for this but I'm just feeling so helpless. I have been married 5 years and have become a shell of a person due to emotional abuse. We go through a roller coaster that hs continued througout the whole marriage. He is very critical and often resorts to belitting me calling me names. He will call me up at work just to yell at me about something I had down like throw out food in the fridge too early. In the beginning he wanted to know where I was all the time but I have gained weight and that has gone away. I have ADD and tend to loose things and be disorganized (he is very organized) and he often makes me feel worthless because of this. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My daughter will often ask what kind of mood Daddy is in so she can prepare herself before she gets home(he is her step father). He sets the mood in the house. I am in AA and have just started going to Alonon hoping it will help. I'm not ready to leave we also have a 4 year old son whom he adores. I just don't know how to stop this cycle please help

 

Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man

Posted by karen_kay on March 13, 2008, at 10:32:55

In reply to help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man, posted by noelle on March 10, 2008, at 15:17:15

is he open to therapy at all? couples therapy? therapy for jsut himself? if not, what about you get some, just for yourself.

or have you pointed out that it hurts you when he puts you down? if so, what happens?

geez, i'm no relationship expert hun, i wish i was! but no one deserves to be belittled, criticized and fearful. no one!

you say you aren't ready to leave him. did you assuem that's what the answer would be? doyou love him? and why aren't you ready to leave him? trust me, you can always find another guy who makes you feel like sh*t out there....

write back dear, i'll keep checking!!
kk

 

Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man karen_kay

Posted by nfc on March 25, 2008, at 6:33:43

In reply to Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man, posted by karen_kay on March 13, 2008, at 9:32:55

noelle

i'll try to get inside his head. I'm guessing the way he acts is becuz of frustrations of things going on in his life. personal stuff, maybe work, etc. and pretty much is taking it out on you. it happens alot. just these sh*tty circumstances many of us live in. I suggest u continue the therapy you're in and take up a personal therapist for yourself. count the cost as well. you'll need to build yourself up from all the abuse. u gotta break outta the shell so to speak. ezr sed than done. your husband needs to realize the importance of trying to give back to you a measure of respect. different methods for everyone but either u mention it to him or try couples counseling if he's open to it. or once you've built yourself up somewhat, try talking to him when he's not preoccupied and open to speaking. you'll be the best judge of that. take care and hang in there.

nfc

 

Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man

Posted by tunguska on April 3, 2008, at 7:35:59

In reply to Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man karen_kay, posted by nfc on March 25, 2008, at 7:33:43

I understand most of this. My family has an emotionally abusive father too (OAF). We've been married 21 years and his insecurity sucks joy out of most of our daily lives. My children are at the ages where they are starting to see how much I put up with and ask questions like "why is daddy so mean to you?" He justifies his behavior by the fact that is own father dealt with things by beating the snot out of his wife and kids and my oaf doesn't do that so he's the better man. We have no social life as a family anymore and every day with him is exhausting. I've been berated for my messiness, the fact that I'm gone to work all day (he wanted to be a stay at home dad and now he complains that he has to do everything at the house - well duh) even for requesting paper bags a the grocery store. I once saw a show where there was this thing called a despair squid that attached itself to you and sucked all sense of joy of your psyche, being married to a guy like this is pretty much the same deal.

 

Re: help: emotionally abusive man

Posted by tunguska on April 8, 2008, at 0:37:00

In reply to Re: help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man, posted by tunguska on April 3, 2008, at 7:35:59

Okay, oaf isn't even a, oh you know, the thingy that stands for something else. But I have an update on my oaf. Finally past the cymbalta withdrawl to the point where I feel plenty good so I let it slip that I'm off the drugs since march 22. He laughed in my face and told me I was stupid. Now its a trust issue that I'd made a decision without him....seems he made the decision when he started yelling at me in front of my kids and telling me I was the problemed person. I wasn't the one yelling.
Oh he kicked me out of the bedroom too. He's not going to talk to me now because I did a stupid thing...suddenly it feels a lot less stupid. Why is it the stuff that is about me is always about how HE feels? That's why I didn't tell him.

 

Re: help: emotionally abusive man

Posted by hoolahoop on April 9, 2008, at 8:09:40

In reply to Re: help: emotionally abusive man, posted by tunguska on April 8, 2008, at 0:37:00

i really feel for u noelle. my fiancee is verbaly abisive to me too. he swears and shouts sometimes for no reason at all, it really does make u feel so small. i hope ur guy is open to have some therepy , would help alot.

 

Re: Noelle: You Cannot Stop

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 8:06:25

In reply to help: In relationship w/emotionally abusive man, posted by noelle on March 10, 2008, at 15:17:15

his emotional abuse, all you CAN do is get help for yourself and your son.

I was married to a verbal abuser for 31 years. I finally found the book that saved my life and sanity: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....PLEASE get that book and read it; make sure you do it in private; the abuser will get angry if he sees you becoming aware of what he is doing.

STOP responding to his abuse; I know it is hard (used to defending yourself; natural response), but there are ways to keep yourself safe while deciding what you want to do.

Know that your son is also being abused. I stayed way too long, but also know that verbal abuse is LITERAL brainwashing.

Hugs, Alice

Get educated and then yo can make some good choices; read the book, get into therapy (BY YOURSELF); make sure the therapist is specificially trained in verbal abuse; if not you will get re-abused....call a domestic violence hot-line (when you are alone); call a women's shelter; there IS help and hope.

I know....I did it....((((Noelle)))
P.S. I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group...a yahoo group; you may want to consider joining us?

 

Re: To the Emotionally Abused: NEVER, NEVER

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 8:17:30

In reply to Re: help: emotionally abusive man, posted by hoolahoop on April 9, 2008, at 8:09:40

but NEVER go into therapy with an abuser..One of 2 things will happen, you will open up and he will abuse you later, or you will be too fearful to say what is happening and nothing can happen.

Unfortunately a lot of therapists will miss the dynamics of verbal abuse, because the abuser is a master manipulator and fools everyone..I am an "expert" in emotional abuse; I lived it for 31 years (finally got a divorce). i am the moderator of an abused survivors' group.

Things you need to know: An abuser is full of rage and anger....at things that happened most likely in childhood that they are unaware of. They take it out on the person they are supposed to love the most.

They are incredibly insecure and jealous.

They are always right, and YOU are always wrong.

They are full of fear that you might leave, and do everything to push you away into leaving (self-fulfilling prophecy).

They RARELY change, unless they get into years and years of intensive therapy (they usually do not stay long and think they don't have a problem); it is always someone else.

YOU CANNOT EVER CHANGE THEM.

Verbal abuse is LITERAL brainwashing.

STOP responding to their abuse; they are only interested in CONTROLLING you; getting you to defend yourself and argue....it never ends.

Get educated: Read the book, get into therapy (ALONE), call a women's shelter, domestic violence hotline........it is possible to get free and get healthy.....even tho it took me 31 years, I did it.

Love, Alice

Feel free to contact me any time. I have babble-mail.
The research I did was for 10 years, and finally found the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

It should be required reading for everyone on the planet. It is rampant.


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