Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 474222

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Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ Dinah

Posted by Tamar on April 27, 2005, at 12:52:29

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ Tamar, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:05:09


> I was thinking to me that trying to enjoy sex *feels* like I'm participating in violating myself. I know that's not true. But I have to get over that feeling somehow. And I'm not sure how much I want my therapist to participate in that process because I'm sure to resent him for participating in my violation as well.

Yes, that makes sense. Would it be possible to talk about that feeling very theoretically with your T, before you actually start trying to enjoy sex? I think his role in it would be crucial since you donít want to talk to your husband.

> I have a long way to go.

One step at a time. If and when you want to. You donít have to do anything you donít want to do. However, the courage youíve shown in posting about it and thinking about it is already progress, isnít it?

I saw your post about sexual anorexia and it sounds like an interesting theory, although when I read further online I was a little unconvinced by the idea of a twelve step approach. Mind you, I havenít read any detail, so maybe it will be helpful. I hope so.

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ annierose

Posted by Tamar on April 27, 2005, at 16:19:35

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ Tamar, posted by annierose on April 26, 2005, at 19:12:37

> I understand all of your steps, they make perfect sense. Did you figure this out on your own? or did you work on them with your T?

I found it very difficult to talk to my T about it, so I pretty much figured it out on my own but I talked very generally about it with him. I didnít exactly go through my plan with him, but we talked most weeks about how sex was going, and the work I did in therapy helped me to adjust things in my bedroom!

> I talked about sex today in therapy. She made an interesting obversation. In general, I flinch when I am touched. And she said, when you come to therapy, it is like being touched. And for me, it is. I can't explain it.

That is interesting. Does therapy reach the same vulnerabilities or triggers that physical touch reaches?

> But I don't know how to work on this in my marriage. Your post gives me something to think about, and a starting point.

I think if you can keep talking about it to your T it should help a lot. Itís difficult but the rewards are worth it.

Tamar

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ Tamar

Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2005, at 18:07:54

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ Dinah, posted by Tamar on April 27, 2005, at 12:52:29

I dug up the "Sexual Anorexia" book today and read a bit. I am extremely unconvinced that it has anything at all to do with my own problems, as I don't come anywhere near meeting most of the criteria. It's just that I really really meet those criteria I do meet. :)

I think I'll talk to my therapist about it, and about my fears that I would resent him.

He's been doing some sex therapy training lately and yesterday I found myself saying to him that I'd rather it be him than some stranger if I ever went into therapy for sexual difficulties. Then I thought to myself "No, that's probably not true" but didn't bother to tell him. I probably should.

Baby steps. :)

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh. (and Dinah too) Ľ Tamar

Posted by annierose on April 28, 2005, at 6:34:03

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. (**somewhat graphic**) Ľ annierose, posted by Tamar on April 27, 2005, at 16:19:35

"Does therapy reach the same vulnerabilities or triggers that physical touch reaches?"

That is the $1,000,000 question. I can't get a handle on why that resonated so true for me when my T said it. A part of it seems "icky", like I don't want to go there. It seems like I'm sexualizing my relationship with my T, which is not true. Feeling vulnerable in sex and in therapy ... that is true. But that is true for everyone, isn't it?

I think it's a little of the "flight or fight" response.

It's a little of "I don't need anyone trying to help me, or tell me what to do."

Hmmmm, stuff for therapy, as usual.

 

Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:10

So I was reading a thread started by Dinah bout a year ago and it was so cool, cuz that about where I am at. The flight response when hubby comes round....
Its an awful feeling and I will eventually dissociate, but I dissociate less than I used to, but the time before I dissociate is truly HIDEOUS. My hubby knows nothing, other than I avoid him. He is SO kind to me. I don't know what my history is. I don't think anything too horrible happened, and anyways, ahhh sh*t. Forget that part. But anyways, I wondered if anybody had anything new they could add?
Cuz its a prob.
And I working on other stuff w/T right now.
And I dunno if I can actually talk bout that linda stuff w/my T. I dunno if she could possibly understand that terrible feeling.
Sh*t.
It all sucks.
Any input appreciated,
Thanks,
Muffled
This is the address of the thread...
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050212/msgs/474222.html

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. LONG

Posted by Daisym on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:10

In reply to Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 0:43:44

So I have lots of different thoughts on this subject but please remember that this is a definite "do as I say, not as I do" response from me. My husband does not know about very much of the abuse in my background and he was pretty abusive himself, sexually. Although I'm sure he wouldn't characterize it that way. I swear my therapist said to me about a million times, "'I don't want to' is a good enough reason to not have sex." And my sexual experience is very limited, so again, I might not be the best responder here.

The first thing I want to say is that this is a hugely important thing to be able to talk about in therapy. If not there, then where? Sex is part of being human, like eating and breathing, but it gets twisted sometimes. I used to think of it as a weapon being used against me. I guess I still do, in many respects. I don't mean talk about exactly what you are doing, unless that is important in some way, but more, why you feel so dissociated and scared by it. Is it the proximity of a man? Or the feeling of someone "on" you? Or is it the raw vulnerability of it? Once you can pin down what you are feeling, and why so uncomfortable, then it might be easier to figure out how to help yourself.

I think there is give and take in all marriages, and we do things that aren't our favorite things to be doing. But I think we all need to have our own needs met as well and we need to have a line established that we don't cross. If something feels too scary, then it is Ok to stop doing it. Oral sex was that way for me for a long time. But I thought I *had* to do it, one of those wifely duty things. My therapist almost fell out of his chair when I finally told him that. (I felt pretty stupid, but my intellect does not work in the bedroom, at all!) So we practiced, "I don't like that - I'd rather not" over and over again. That doesn't mean cutting out sex altogether, it means finding what you like or at least can tolerate. And dissociating is not a terrible coping mechanism until you can find those things.

But I know what you mean, when I dissociated less, sex was so much harder. Someone had a way of asking her younger parts to take a nap, or stay out of the bedroom while adult things were happening. That resonated with me for a while. I knew I needed to stay "big" and tell myself I wasn't a little girl being abused again. It didn't work all the time, but it did work.

And then there were times when the work in therapy was so raw and so hard that sex was just out of the question. I needed permission to say "no" so talking with my therapist about how to say no was important. It is tricky, because the last thing I needed was my husband ranting about my therapist telling me not to have sex. So definitely think about what to say and not to say. I'm so thankful that the tension around all of that is over, now that we've split up. My therapist has said that if/when I enter into another relationship, it is likely that sex will still be an issue and I'll need someone who can be very patient and understanding. And I'll need "more" therapy around it. (God forbid!)

It sounds like your husband is a sweet guy who loves you and wants to show you his love. Maybe if you can keep framing it for yourself as love and holding and warmth and giving, it won't be so frightening.

But I'd bring it up in therapy. I bet it will help.

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled

Posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:10

In reply to Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 0:43:44

I second what Daisy said to you. I just wanted to say, of course your therapist will understand. Sexual issues are commonplace - and she is trained to help untangle those feelings.

I do talk with my therapist regarding sex, and it's never easy, even after all these years. I still haven't untangled my web of difficulties, it's something I still have to talk about time and time again. But I think it's worth it. And I think your husband is more understanding than you probably realize. Have you talked to him about your feelings?

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. LONG Ľ Daisym

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:11

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. LONG, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 17:49:40

> I swear my therapist said to me about a million times, "'I don't want to' is a good enough reason to not have sex." And my sexual experience is very limited, so again, I might not be the best responder here.

**I really appreciate your response Daisy. I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience either.
My husband is a saint I got to say. He is very kind. He would never force me. I feel terrible bout how I feel, and I couldn't possibly tell him I'm revolted, cuz that would hurt him. I'm not sure WHAT to say to him. I USED to do it OK. I even used to jump him. Part of me liked it, but at the same time there's always been a part thats been horrified. Unfortunately the 'like' part seems to have mostly gone away. Just the terrified one remains. Sometimes I kinda want to, but then I get so afraid. Blind terror. And there is NO REASON. We have been more actually closer, but not much. Its also hard w/small kids in the house, but in a strange way they make me feel safe. When they at school and DH is home I get kinda scared. One time he made a grab for me and pulled me to him, I just saw a white flash and tore away. It wasn't nice :( I just covered it up by getting it together elsewhere and then comming back and pretending nothing happened.
>
> The first thing I want to say is that this is a hugely important thing to be able to talk about in therapy. If not there, then where? Sex is part of being human, like eating and breathing, but it gets twisted sometimes.

**Its a very twisted thing indeed. I think its got alot to do with evil. Its just one time I wrote some bout it in a fax to T (I say MOST stuff via fax, then we sorta go thru fax in the session, but there's never enough time, so we never get thru the faxes, and there's always MORE fax stuff in the next week, so alot of stuff gets left. Used to bug me, but now I figger if its a prob for me it WILL come up again, and we will get to it eventually)So anyways, it was something she ignored....but to give her a break she WAS trying to get me to finally talk bout some stuff I not supposed to talk about, and really don't know much anyways. But had mentioned it in the fax, so she seized upon it,,,
So now I got to deal with whatever 'it' was about? mebbe not the week she gets back, but the next.(after a long break, the first session just seems to be a reestablishing thing for me, to see she real, she the same, she don't hate me etc etc.)

>I don't mean talk about exactly what you are doing, unless that is important in some way, but more, why you feel so dissociated and scared by it. Is it the proximity of a man? Or the feeling of someone "on" you? Or is it the raw vulnerability of it? Once you can pin down what you are feeling, and why so uncomfortable, then it might be easier to figure out how to help yourself.

**I have that idea in my mind...someone suggested that before...but I just haven't had much nerve. Best I can guess would be, well, I dunno, I guess touch kinda freaks me, I feel sorta like an object, not like human. I do sort of(VERY faintly these days)feel aroused, but then its not a good thing somehow...and then, ughhhh, I trying to write this so then mebbe I can write T. Well, my DH has NEVER forced. But his part, well, I dunno, I'm not lesbian, but the part, I just don't like it. When I feel it against me I flip out. I feel nautious with terror, blind terror. Kinda like you so scared that you can't even think. You so scared you don't even know its fear. Its just TOTAL. And I fight and fight to stay there and cooperate, and its just not fun, and I try to show some enthusiasm, I try tp pretend all is OK. But its hard to move, and its all I can do to breath, and speak, and keep up the pretense, and then I'll make some excuse that I hear the kids and run away.
(I just reread this, mebbe I should try taking a hefty dose of xanax before? Interesting thot...)
>
> I think there is give and take in all marriages, and we do things that aren't our favorite things to be doing. But I think we all need to have our own needs met as well and we need to have a line established that we don't cross. If something feels too scary, then it is Ok to stop doing it. That doesn't mean cutting out sex altogether, it means finding what you like or at least can tolerate. And dissociating is not a terrible coping mechanism until you can find those things.

**Thanks for sharing so much Daisy, makes me feel a whole lot better bout myself.

>
> But I know what you mean, when I dissociated less, sex was so much harder. Someone had a way of asking her younger parts to take a nap, or stay out of the bedroom while adult things were happening. That resonated with me for a while. I knew I needed to stay "big" and tell myself I wasn't a little girl being abused again. It didn't work all the time, but it did work.

**Hmmmm. I not very good a choosing who does what, they pretty much do what they want, my inside people...sigh. But its an interesting thought, that mebbe its a kid thats getting freaked...hmmm, mebbe I can try to consciously tell myself I AM ADULT. I AM IN CONTROL. NOBODY f*cks w/me unless I say so. So there.
Yeah...I used to constantly blank out...now its not as common, I just suffer the tortures of my mind sometimes..guess its a sign of progress...I AM learning to feel, and to cope, and to beleive that its TRUE that the feelings DO pass....eventually.
>
> And then there were times when the work in therapy was so raw and so hard that sex was just out of the question.

**Mebbe thats where I at :( But then again I feel myself quite ready to let my denial parts quash that kid again...

>I'm so thankful that the tension around all of that is over, now that we've split up.

**Sorry bout the split up, but at the same time, ahhhhhh, what a releif.

> It sounds like your husband is a sweet guy who loves you and wants to show you his love. Maybe if you can keep framing it for yourself as love and holding and warmth and giving, it won't be so frightening.

**My DH is a wonderful man. I think I gonna just have to talk bout this some time to T :-(
Just my T said one time, when we was talking bout tears, and diff kinds of tears, and she said as how sometimes when she w/her man, she gets tears in her eyes of happiness and love cuz she feels close to him in EVERY way. Sigh.
I don't think that will EVER happen to me. But at least if I can tolerate it, and make my man happy, well, I'd be content with that. Its just after my T painted this picture of perfection, well, I just sorta feel like, well like, how on EARTH could she possibly understand where I comming from?
>
> But I'd bring it up in therapy. I bet it will help.
>
**Sigh.
Yuck.
Thanks Daisy.
Take care.
Muffled

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ annierose

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:11

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled, posted by annierose on December 29, 2006, at 21:38:51

> I second what Daisy said to you. I just wanted to say, of course your therapist will understand. Sexual issues are commonplace - and she is trained to help untangle those feelings.

**Sigh...She been a T awhile, I suppose 'that' stuff has come up before with others.
Just right now i struggling with the fear that she gonna look at me different when she gets back.
Cuz I think I may have said some bout the unspeakable, or what little I know bout it, and now I SO scared she gonna look at me funny :( I seldom actually look at her anyways, so mebbe it don't matter...
>
> I do talk with my therapist regarding sex, and it's never easy, even after all these years. I still haven't untangled my web of difficulties, it's something I still have to talk about time and time again. But I think it's worth it. And I think your husband is more understanding than you probably realize. Have you talked to him about your feelings?

**So your T HAS helped?
I think my husband is understanding, but he himself had self esteem issues growing up. He had a crazy kidhood. I just don't want him to misunderstand that I think HE is repulsive, and its not him.
I also just not very good at intimacy stuff. I don't like to talk bout myself which is why T is so hard for me.
This all is such a drag.
Thanks for your words and understanding.
Take care,
Muffled

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ muffled

Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:11

In reply to Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 0:43:44

Definitely talk with your therapist about it.

I've talked to mine and also to a sex therapist, and they both had useful tips. Three I remember off the top of my head.

Be honest with husband - kindly. This one surprised me. It seemed terribly unkind. But if phrased correctly I discovered it could be done without undue hurt. So there were a few things that I just really didn't like, and I was honest with him. I put things in a positive way, like I really prefer it when you do this instead of that. Or I really want to enjoy our experiences together, and one way to help me do that would be to...

If there's anything that makes it easier for you, try to do it. It's a lot easier for me if I have advance notice, so I can prepare. My husband doesn't like the fact that we aren't spontaneous, but I'm not trying to cut him off or anything, it's just easier if I'm not sitting there and suddenly things get sexual. Also it's easier for me if I'm the initiator, so I try to initiate things often enough.

And if there's anything at all that you enjoy, try to incorporate it into your routine. If you ask me that, my kneejerk reaction is to reject it. But if I ramble on I usually find out that there are some things I enjoy to some extent or another. Like the sex therapist found out I enjoy foreplay in the shower better than out of it because water has always been a sensual experience for me, and insisted that I incorporate that as often as I can.

My gynecologist suggested getting a bit tipsy.

The general idea being that anything that increases positive feelings and decreases negative ones will help, even if only incrementally. But if you add up enough small changes, it could lead to bigger ones.

Can you think of anything that makes it better for you? Or that you enjoy? Does it help if you feel in control? What sorts of ways can you feel more in control? Are there things you'd rather not do? That's perfectly ok. You don't have to. I like to think most husbands are more interested in having a wife who enjoys sex more than they are in any particular sex acts.

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ Dinah

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ muffled, posted by Dinah on December 30, 2006, at 11:52:24

> Definitely talk with your therapist about it.

**Sigh. It seems to be unaminous to talk to T. I expect I would write and fax. Then she brings it up :(

> Be honest with husband - kindly. This one surprised me. It seemed terribly unkind. But if phrased correctly I discovered it could be done without undue hurt. So there were a few things that I just really didn't like, and I was honest with him. I put things in a positive way, like I really prefer it when you do this instead of that. Or I really want to enjoy our experiences together, and one way to help me do that would be to...

**HOW can I be honest? Do I tell him I scared of it? That I feel nauseated by it? I never been terribly creative cuz I always mostly been in a mad rush to get it over with as soon as possible.
I am such a loser wife. My poor husband desrves better than me :(
I AM gonna try some things mentally to just get thru it at all, the basics, quickly. And mebbe I can improve from there. Its the nausea and trying to function AT ALL when I dissociate that I find hard to get by.
This all sucks SO F*CKING BAD.(pardon the pun. its the way I talk)
>
> It's a lot easier for me if I have advance notice, so I can prepare. Also it's easier for me if I'm the initiator, so I try to initiate things often enough.

**I think both of those are good ideas for me. Thank you.
>
> And if there's anything at all that you enjoy, try to incorporate it into your routine.

:( I don't have a routine, just get it over with asap.

> My gynecologist suggested getting a bit tipsy.

**Can't drink, but mebbe xanax? or MJ?
>
> The general idea being that anything that increases positive feelings and decreases negative ones will help, even if only incrementally. But if you add up enough small changes, it could lead to bigger ones.

**THIS is what I got to keep in mind. This is central I think. Cuz I don't think this is gonna happen overnight :( if ever :(
>
> Can you think of anything that makes it better for you? I like to think most husbands are more interested in having a wife who enjoys sex more than they are in any particular sex acts.

**Better for me? I think it would be better for me if I was dead. Sigh. I didn't really realize what a deep set thing it was until I started to look at this more closely. I just been avoiding. Poor hubby got a bad wife all right. But he seems to stand by me. Why I don't know.
I like the thot that one day we could have this special physical intimacy, but I also think it may never be possible. I too wrecked. Irreversable. I CAN get my own rocks off, so I know its physically possible, but the whole thing is so overwhelming.
Thanks for sharing Dinah.
Take care,
Muffled

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled

Posted by happykat on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12

In reply to Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 0:43:44

Hey Muffled,

I am soooo glad you brought up this subject. I am really struggling with this. BTW, I found the thread from last year really helpful too.

Up until recently I have always used alc.,tranq.,muscle relaxants,etc... to get through sex. Now I'm having sober sex and it is absolutely terrifying. I also hate the touch part and having a body laying on top of me. The first few times I ended up bursting into tears. My poor DH. I'm sure he was like WTF? We never have talked about it. I just kept saying, "It's me.It's me." Being able to dissociate during that time was a godsend. At least until I went in and told my T who said, "No it's not. You need to stay grounded and in the present...blah...blah..blah. Sometimes thats easier said than done.

She suggested I put 'little happykat' into a safe place so that the grownup happykat could work on these adult issues. (If only it were that simple.) She also suggested what Dinah mentioned about being the one to iniate and to maintain control over the activity. And also what Daisy mentioned about knowing its ok to say no.

I still think I would prefer a xanax, soma, drink, something to help me relax a bit. It somehow seemed to take the edge off the anxiety and make it tolerable, maybe not pleasurable, but tolerable.

I have done some mental imagery work where I take a hot bath beforehand to relax and mentally walk through the activity framing it along the way with positive thoughts and reaffirming thoughts, like DH loves me, I love him, this will feel good, etc...

One thing that has actually helped me as far as touch goes is hugging each other once a day. I know it sounds goofy. He has issues and is kind of cold too, so when I told him about this exercise he just rolled his eyes. At first we just stood and laughed but eventually we mechanically hugged. And it has gotten easier and better and is almost automatic now. And I'm learning its ok to be touched and allowing him to hug me without flinching or pulling away.

I think the idea is to take that concept and move it into the bedroom with more sexual forms of touching. So that you gradually desensitize yourself while learning to stay grounded and focused on touch at the same time. There is a good book by a sex therapist named Wendy Maltz called "The Sexual Healing Journey" that has a bunch of exercises and tips in it. She also has a website http://www.healthysex.com

Hope you're doing o.k.
Regards,
happykat :)

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ happykat

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled, posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 16:02:46

Thanks HK, I bookmarked the site.
I was peeking at it.
I think I will communicate to my DH:
That we should hug 1x/day everyday.
That sex is just not possible at this time.
Its not like its gonna be a newsflash to him that I been avoiding. Mebbe it will be good for him to know that I am acknowledging that I have a prob, but that I AM working on it.
I just feel so bloody awful about it.
I can't seem to keep kid mode at bay. I am WAY too much kid these days. The terror is too raw right now.
Reality is creeping in and my head hurts.
All the signs.
Too many.
I don't want this to be so.
And yet, theres just too much.
It keeps comming, and it gets harder to deny.
And I trying to pretend its a game for attn only.
But,
mebbe its not.
I really hate this.
It makes me angry.
Very angry.
Better to warn my T to look out.
This emotion stuff is so weird.
Muffled

 

Grahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled, posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 16:02:46

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
:(
:(
:(
:(

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled

Posted by Daisym on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:13

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ happykat, posted by muffled on December 30, 2006, at 22:06:14

Sometimes I think our little kid selves come out strong when we try to squash them. Perhaps giving yourself permission to feel small and do something you like, like color, or read a story or put a puzzle together.

There are lots of ways to show your husband that you love him, it doesn't just have to be sexual. Can you give him a back rub, or cook his favorite breakfast? I like the idea of a hug each day. Intimacy takes many forms. Give yourself a break.

Happy New Year,
Daisy

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ Daisym

Posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:13

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ muffled, posted by Daisym on December 30, 2006, at 22:42:00

> Sometimes I think our little kid selves come out strong when we try to squash them. Perhaps giving yourself permission to feel small and do something you like, like color, or read a story or put a puzzle together.

**Thats a very good suggestion. Not sure what my kid like to do? Mebbe lego? I was a tomboy. Spent most of my time outdoors looking at nature and climbing trees. Physically I not so able now, but I can still look at nature with my own kids, and what a gift to them that is.
But for home stuff...yeah, lego sounds good. I will try it.
I think mebbe my kid got to say some stuff to T, and mebbe someone is beleiving her and might be kind to her or something, and I feel exposed, and so my basic protection (Toughie-like a 12 yr old boy) is around ALOT. My young one, she kinda quashed right now, cuz I real scared of what she feels :(

>
> There are lots of ways to show your husband that you love him, it doesn't just have to be sexual. Can you give him a back rub, or cook his favorite breakfast? I like the idea of a hug each day. Intimacy takes many forms. Give yourself a break.

**YEAH ! Your totally right, completely! I can't see the forest for the trees.... I will treat my hubby well. I been drawing away from him steadily for quite some time, in ALL ways, but it all boils down to the s. thing.....
Intimacy takes many forms.
And once I tell him NO S. intil I say so, then mebbe I won't be afraid to cuddle at least, as long as he promises NOT to push me AT ALL.
There is hope for SOMEthing anyways...
Thanks Daisy for the pick me up.
Happy New year to you too.
Muffled

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff

Posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:13

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ Daisym, posted by muffled on December 30, 2006, at 23:08:36

Iíve been trying for several days to find a way to join in this thread. I find it really hard to pick words I feel comfortable with.

I really like the suggestions other people have made. I agree that being to one to initiate it works really well. And daily hugging is also something I find useful.

These days I can have sex fairly comfortably if itís just f*cking; i.e. if we just do the penetration thing and itís all over quickly. I find it much more difficult to have intimate sex, especially if my husband wants to get me excited and do things to my body. We did sex therapy and we manage to have nice sex every now and then, but itís still a big struggle.

One thing that works when my husband wants sex and I just canít face it: Iíll hold him while he masturbates. Iím quite happy to take off at least some of my clothes and it seems to be better than no sex for him.

Another thing Iíve noticed is that it can take me HOURS to get in the mood for sex with my husband (which is odd because if Iím alone it takes me all of 30 seconds to get in the moodÖ). One thing our sex therapist suggested was to watch porn together. I have second-wave-feminist views about porn, but we have found some Ďeducationalí DVDs about sex which are pretty explicit, and I do notice that watching that kind of thing helps.

I really doubt that alcohol or MJ would make things any better. I know some people swear by alcohol in this situation, but I think it just makes me feel less in control. And MJ can have the same effect, plus it makes some people feel paranoid. I just donít think itís worth it. Finding alternative ways to relax is harder, but probably better in the long run.

Oh, and Iíd say talk about it in therapy too, but Iím still trying to work up the courage to do that myselfÖ

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ Tamar

Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:14

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 17:56:34

I like those suggestions!

My husband doesn't care for porn, but he does like those instructional videos with real looking people in them. I can't say we often go to the trouble of digging them out and putting them on, but we have done it on occasion.

And the masturbation idea is also a good one. There are things I actually enjoy that allow for orgasm on his part. My therapist says that's all men care about anyway, and while based on my husband's point of view, I'd say that isn't a universal male belief, it does allow for intimacy in a way that I can actually tolerate to enjoy, depending on the activity.

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff Ľ Tamar

Posted by happykat on January 4, 2007, at 19:56:07

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 17:56:34

Hey Tamar,

>> One thing that works when my husband wants sex and I just canít face it: Iíll hold him while he masturbates. Iím quite happy to take off at least some of my clothes and it seems to be better than no sex for him.<<

*I really like this as an alternative for those times when I just can't face it too. I'm not really keen on porn either but I've never considered the educational type tapes. That also sounds like it may be worth checking out. Thanks!

Regards,
happykat

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh. Ľ Dinah

Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on January 6, 2007, at 19:30:23

In reply to Sex again. Sigh., posted by Dinah on March 22, 2005, at 18:30:05

Hey,
I talked about this one twice with my T. she was really cute and had some helpful suggestions.

1. on your terms. retaining a sense of control is essential. the freedom to say what is working and what is not. negotiate the terms while youre washing dishes or doing something totally unsexy (of course my horny husband often finds the most unsexy moments to express his desire. men...!)

2. figure out the part that is the scariest. is it the idea? the beginning? the nudity? the goofy noises? certain moves? the end?

3. Find a way to bypass the scary bits. example. maybe someone gets scared at the moment when the clothes start coming off and suddenly things are moving from playful to animal. I say WHOA. he says giddy-up! one way to bypass that is to set up the scenario ahead of time. the person scared of clothes coming off can take clothes off even BEFORE! the encounter occurs, with the full knowledge that this encounter will most likely involve MORE than playful smoochie smoochie.

4. my personal favorite. rules. husband may NOT use his hands. penalty is that I have to disable his hands. socks or tie him up. haha. then Im in control. surprise! husband likes rules. REALLY! it makes things a challenge. husband may not touch me here or there or in a box with a fox with green eggs or ham. perhaps, one could get snarky and have an airhorn set up on the bedside table. 3 strikes and he{s out of the game! (hey, if we have ^bases^ why cant he have strikes ??

lol

well, the important thing is that this is not rocket science. its a very goofy thing and is the adult equivalent of little kids smearing poop on the wall. (unless youre anal retentive, that is...)

lurps

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh. ))Lurps

Posted by inthegloaming on May 5, 2007, at 21:16:29

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. Ľ Dinah, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on January 6, 2007, at 19:30:23


> 2. figure out the part that is the scariest. is it the idea? the beginning? the nudity? the goofy noises? certain moves? the end?

> well, the important thing is that this is not rocket science. its a very goofy thing and is the adult equivalent of little kids smearing poop on the wall. (unless youre anal retentive, that is...)

Lurps,

Just wanted to say how much your post meant to me. I just read it now and it's made me feel so much better.

I'm currently battling a sex-phobia I've had for many years, one that's kept me out of relationships and out of the realm of sexual experiences with others. I say I'm currently battling it because I've met a wonderful, wonderful woman who is kind and sweet and silly and beautiful and real and I want very much to be in an intimate relationship with her but cannot get over my fear of sex. I guess it stems from a lot of things--poor body image, fear of commitment, fear of myself--but the point is that its here and i don't want it to be. I want it out of my life and, most importantly, out of the bedroom.

Maintaining that it's something kind of goofy has always helped me with things. That sex can be fun and playful is a great thing to hear and to have affirmed. That it's not rocket science is too. All day long we're fed images of how we're supposed to look and what we should find sexy and how we should have sex and what it should look/sound/feel like, where we should do it and blah blah blah... it's all a bunch of BS and no matter how obvious that sounds, it's hard to get away from when it's so much a part of our lives.

anyway, just wanted to say how great it was to read what you wrote. your T gives great advice and you're awesome for sharing it.

best,

gg

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh.

Posted by elanor roosevelt on October 7, 2007, at 21:57:25

In reply to Re: Sex again. Sigh. Ľ Dinah, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on January 6, 2007, at 19:30:23

1) ambien helps drop the inhibitions but can be the cause of anorgasmia

2) years back i visited a sex therapist with a man i had been with for many years and had good reason not to trust. but i was choosing to remain with him and wanted to rekindle the sex. the therapist had us go for a number of weeks during which we were not permitted any type of contact with genetalia. At the same time we were encouraged to express affection. this gave me a safety zone that let me open up a bit emotionally

3) in general having it be okay to say no makes it easier to feel like yes

4)there are so many sensual pleasures -- foot rub, scalp massage-- that can be enjoyed as kind of a "let's see if it puts me in the mood" precursor but are also great on their own

5) the big thing is trust. if you are with someone who says or does hurtful things to you, you should see a therapist together

 

Re: Sex again. Sigh.

Posted by tunguska on March 29, 2008, at 18:24:54

In reply to Sex again. Sigh., posted by Dinah on March 22, 2005, at 18:30:05

Why is it when its not working for you they tell you to do something for him? Why not figure out why the whole thing isn't doing it for you? I'm tired of hearing how the poor fella needs release. Sounds like he needs release from doing the things that make the whole experience interesting to you.

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s

Posted by tunguska on March 29, 2008, at 18:33:03

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ Dinah, posted by muffled on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12

Why does a person who doesn't want to do it have to get through it? A doctor or therapist that suggests usings alcohol to help you get through your wifely duties should be slapped. How many hookers use drugs and alcohol to get through it? A wife is not a sex servant!!! In a good marriage you shouldn't have to be guilted into an act you don't desire. If you don't want it you need to address why. Feeling like a loser for the honest fact that you are not interested is just wrong.

 

Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s Ľ tunguska

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 12:40:03

In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife s, posted by tunguska on March 29, 2008, at 18:33:03

You are So Right.
In my opinion if men opened their hearts and minds more we'd open our legs and mouths for them more, and we'd enjoy it too.


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