Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 616492

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:19

Yeah part of it has always been a reassurance thing,but this is not all in my head. I do not feel like this is mostly my problem. Truth is I feel like I am living alone with someone who says they love me but never takes my thoughts into consideration, says he loves me but hardly ever shows it, and the rest of the time is working or sleeping. I sleep a lot and I try to match my schedule with his, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't even set the alarm and get up and ask to spend time with me. I have tried to get him to spend time with me, but it is like I have to repeat myself and he never seems to get the cue or the point even if it is spoonfed. He can be the sweetest thing, but that is so long as you don't say anything he doesn't want to hear. He goes straight for the TV. He hasn't gotten the other car to the shop and keeps ignoring my concerns. I had today of loving and being with other people. Then I had a dream of yelling out at him telling him he didn't love me, I was lonely ( at first I thought it was for real) I thought he was actually up and getting dressed and that I was yelling this to him. Well I was not, I woke up saying I am lonely and then he rolls over and puts his hand on my back. I love this man with all my heart. But, I don't feel special. I used to do special things, I pretty much don't do much for him anymore because I feel like a nothing. All has not been peaceful in this marriage I will admit. I feel like I cannot go to him. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall that gets defensive and says mean and angry things. I just had to get this out. I am so sad and so alone right now.
Peace
Tanzanite

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite

Posted by madeline on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:20

In reply to I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 19:56:12

I am so sorry you are hurting and sad. If I had my wish for us all it would be to always feel loved.

I'm kind of new here, but one thing I know, you are loved here and always will be.

I wish I was a gifted therapist and knew the words to help you move through this hurt, but I'm not. I'm just madeline

A great big hug to you

((((((((((Tanzanite))))))))))

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad

Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:20

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by madeline on March 5, 2006, at 20:08:11

I think we all go into marriage dreaming of a white picket fence Donna Reed. Do you remember that show. Sometimes it isn't that way . Love Phillipa

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:20

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by madeline on March 5, 2006, at 20:08:11

Thank you Madeline. I am just trying to hold on to the last strings of sanity I have right now. I feel crushed. Sometimes I think I would be better off all alone because it seems like I am anyway. HUGS
Tanzanite

 

Re:Philippa

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:20

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Phillipa on March 5, 2006, at 21:11:07

I didn't dream of a white picket fence but I sure didn't dream that my feelings and words would always be ignored and that I would be isolated by the man that says he loves me. Now I have nightmares. I truly don't know how much more I can take of this I love you, but being disrespected the whole time business. I would like to be treated like a human being. Now that would be a first. Thanks Phillipa, and sorry I am so down.
Peace
Tanzanite

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite

Posted by Daisym on March 6, 2006, at 2:51:25

In reply to I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 19:56:12

I could have written this post. Sadly, but true.

So why do you stay? I can't answer that for myself yet, it is all mixed up with duty and love and tring to fix him. I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm afraid of the mess I'm going to have to go through to get to be alone.

Have you told him how you feel? When both people stop trying it is very, very hard for either to feel love or loved.

This is the one thing I keep predicting will send me over the edge. Because being lonely when not alone is the worst possible feeling. I wish I had an answer for you instead of so many questions.
Hugs to you,
Daisy

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 3:09:31

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by Daisym on March 6, 2006, at 2:49:05

HI Daisy,
I still love my husband. But things got really ugly around here again tonight. And I always end up feeling worthless and stupid. I guess I believe that someday he'll keep his promises and be nicer to me. But, I am scared and what I have to return to is even worse than this. Being disabled, I don't feel safe being alone. But not only that I would really miss my husband. I know, some may think im nuts, but I really don't know what to do or how to feel at this point in time except hurt and lost. I don't want a mess either, but it goes so much deeper than that. Maybe after I have had time to rest on this I will have much more to say. Thank you though. Peace and blessings
Tanzanite

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite

Posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:13:28

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 3:09:31


Without excusing anything he is doing, maybe I can help shed some light on the sad state of the male psyche. First off I have HAD to develop the ability to talk about what I'm feeling and why I am feeling it. For most men (and a good share of women) the words just aren’t there. I had to work with my wife in order to get her to the point where she can explain some of what she feels. You can ask "What’s wrong?" all day and get nowhere. They may not know WHAT it is that's wrong. Some people just don't explore their feelings, they just are.

Secondly, I understand just coming home and watching TV. I understand being snappish and not spending time with your wife. When I get like that, its usually because my life is in a rut. I don't look forward to coming home from work, and turning my attention towards the TV is easier than thinking about a life you are tired of. Notice I didn't say I was tired of my wife, nor did I say that I did not love her. Half of my posts on Dr. Bob are apologies to her, even if she doesn't read them.

I had to do quite a few things to get myself interested in our life again. I moved the TV out of the bedroom. OK. Actually I threw it away. I changed all of the lighting in the house to those full spectrum bulbs, kept the shades open, re-arranged the furniture, and negotiated a couple of things with my wife. The first 20 minutes after I get home from work are mine. I need time to shake the day from my mind, and allow myself to settle into my life again. In exchange, we plan one outing together and we go on it come hell or high-water. If we have just had a fight we go anyway. It seems strange that it's working, but I found this to be the most valuable change.


Getting him to understand is another problem all together. I had to ask my wife a lot of questions the helped lead her to conclusions about her actions and feelings. If she says she is upset or mad, I ask why. If she can't tell me, I ask her how she feels about specific things; Me, the house, her work, my work. Do any of those make you more upset than the others? On and on. It was quite a while before she would even sit still for an interrogation of that caliber, but after a while it was evident that it was working. I had to work hard to keep my anger and hurt under control, and ask in an interested, inquisitive fashion. It wasn't easy. I found most of her anger was misplaced, and she released it at the closest target. Me.

This was just my experience. I hope this is more useful than it sounds now that I have it down in print... It might be a long shot, but sometimes they pay off. Nothing to loose but your time.

Regards

 

Re:Shame

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 14:13:13

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:13:28

Babblemailed you, thank you for your priceless advice. Peace
Tanzanite

 

Doing better

Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 14:15:49

In reply to I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 19:56:12

Feeling better today after having calmed down and finally being able to talk to my husband. I love him very much, but we have a lot of work to do in our marriage that I will admit. We both have been under a great deal of stress, and he has trouble with my illness(physical as well). So I finally got him to talk to me a little bit. I just hope and pray that we can work things out and maybe eventually afford to get some couples help.
Thanks to all of you
Tanzanite

 

I can relate to all of this tooo ...

Posted by jonquiljo on March 6, 2006, at 14:19:18

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:13:28

I definitely can relate to ALL of this! Though we have gone through recent tragic times, the problem still remains that my wife and I don't have it nearly as together as we would have wanted it to be.

I think this is a common condition - we all get into ruts, especially when they get bad. So yes, Tanzanite, I can see how you have gotten into a rut. When it comes to saving my marraige - I say ,"lets try". Perhaps if you sat down with him and let him know how terrible things have gotten for you - he might get a glimse of reality. I certainly have, when my wife sat me down and told me how I have been terribly inadequate.

People get in ruts, and marraiges get in ruts. Most importantly, people get into ruts when it comes to relationship dynamics. I truly believe that no marraige is ideal, and perhaps you can save yours. Perhaps I can even same mine as well.

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite

Posted by wildcard11 on March 6, 2006, at 18:31:20

In reply to I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 19:56:12

i just came across this and i can TRULY relate 110%...feeling alone is awful~hard to explain, especially when you have no 'family' that helps support and love you or close friends. you are in my thoughts (((((Tanzanite))))) have you thought of finding an easier way for you to express your feelings? i always tend to express myself better w/ writing sometimes. i'm here for you....

 

Jonquilo

Posted by Tanzanite on March 7, 2006, at 0:51:20

In reply to I can relate to all of this tooo ..., posted by jonquiljo on March 6, 2006, at 14:19:18

I will be praying for the both of us. Hubby seemed truly worried today and very sorry after we talked. I really do love him, and do want this to work. I hope your marriage gets easier as well. ((((HUGS)))
Tanzanite

 

Wildcard

Posted by Tanzanite on March 7, 2006, at 0:53:15

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by wildcard11 on March 6, 2006, at 18:31:20

Thank you so much. I am doing better today. Hubby and I had another discussion but it was peaceful and seemed to help. I appreciate your kindness and all the people here. If you ever want to write me feel free as well. HUGS
Tanzanite

 

Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad

Posted by Theta99 on April 4, 2006, at 23:35:39

In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad » Tanzanite, posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:13:28

I have to mirror a lot of what Shame said in his post. I'll also add that men _really_ do have drastically retarted communication skills when compared to women.

A good (and fun) book that covers the differences, and give some suggestions for dealing better with the other sex is:

"Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes : The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex (Pease)"

Goodluck. I know the book (along with couples therapy) has helped my wife and I a lot.

 

Re: I can relate to all of this tooo ... » jonquiljo

Posted by Deelove247 on March 23, 2008, at 16:08:10

In reply to I can relate to all of this tooo ..., posted by jonquiljo on March 6, 2006, at 14:19:18

I just stumbled into this site because I am feeling unloved and scared and fustrated with everyone around me at this moment.
It is hard to over come your own feelings when you have no one to share them with. And it seems that no matter what advise you get and no matter how hard you try to express yourself and make things better it never seems to be enough or be satisfactory. You talk and you talk and you wait and wait, hoping for your loved one to take notice.
Soon your emotions get worse and the fustration gets the best of you and then you are left in a deep dark hole which you feel you can not get out of.
I feel like crying everytime and sometimes I do. I can't sleep I stop seeing my friends, I stopped calling and seeing my mother, sister and brother and I am finding that my own children are against me.
But even though I get to this place at times, there is a voice in the back of my mind that reminds me where I am and who I am and that I took the challenge of my life to make the best of any situation and keep trying.
I read a book called "finding the love you want" It has really changed my life to cope with times like these. I read it over and over again and have used some of the technics to better myself and understand why I feel the way I do and why my partner is the way he is. The book is mostly based on "self" . . Why we attract or are attracted to the people we are with. Understanding this concept and opening your eyes to a different view is like taking a pill that makes it all clear. So as I sit here, writting and sharing my experience, my thoughts and my feelings, that I have had for the past 6 hours on an Ester Sunday (hiding in the basement), I realize that the feeling is slowing going away. And I can't wait to see my family and apreciate them for who they are and understand that maybe at this point in their lives, maybe that is all they know (and can) give.
I know am strong I have been thru many ups and downs in my life time, with a divorce in which I had to raise my daughters on my own with no support from their father or family.
Now I have a wonderful man in my life that even though he can be mean and cruel and forgetful of my needs and concerns, he is still at my side and once in a while, (far and few in between) he shows me that he really cares, that he honestly loves me, the only way he can. Which sometimes might not be enough to me. But because I understand that some views and somethings are just very hard for him to grasp due to who he is, what he has gone thru in his life and what his needs are I can relate and work with him to find a way. With this understanding and this point of view I've begun to see the little, but slow, improvement in our relationship. As I said before, IT IS HARD! VERY! HARD, but I believe we need to remember that we can not expect to feel love, the kind of love we want, the kind of understanding we are seeking, from someone else, outside of us, until we realize how much we love and understand ourselves. And maybe there is something that holds us back from seeing the truth behind what we really feel about ourselves and perhaps we try to seek to satisfy that need with something outside of us. It could be food, drinking, smoking, drugs and even relationships. All I can say is take one step at a time, don't look back and don't ponder to much on: what, or what if's, or maybes, or thoughts of what might happen in the future as it has not happen yet. I think these are nothing but doors to confusion and missery. Please if I can leave you with any good advise, it is to read the book. It will explain a lot about yourself and were you stand in any realtionship. Even if it's with freinds co workers, family, children and the person you chose to live this path of life with you.
I love him very much, and I love my children no matter what. So I will do what ever it takes to keep my world happy. Everything passes . . .and so will this. If you end up realizing that you just can't take it anymore or that you have lost a part of yourself along the way and the person you thought would be there to appreciate and understand and support you, is not the person for you . . then congratulations! you have taken the first step in loving yourself and when that gets stronger you will see that you have attrated the right person. Because the person that deserves your love will be the person that loves you more than you love yourself. So how much do you love yourself? As this is how much they will love you back. . . . and maybe you shouldn't expect anymore.
Hey, that person could possibly be the one you are with. Because together you can both find eachother in yourselves if you are both willing to see beyond the pain.
With my most sincere and deep love, Diana
Good Luck!


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