Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 504323

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by Jazzed on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In this day and age, when everyone is living so long, does a 20, 30, or 40 (or more) year marriage seem boring, tedious, scary? I love my husband. He's the only one in my life who's ever loved me unconditionally, BUT there are times when I wonder what it would be like to marry someone else. I don't think I would ever do it, but I do think about it. I get scared, thinking about growing old with one person. Of course, you can't just walk away from a marriage and kids with a smooth break, but I do fantacize about being with other people, I think it keeps our marriage fresh. Am I the only one who does this, am I crazy to feel this way?

Jazzed

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed

Posted by Tamar on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:17:33

Yeah, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. But I always end up back at the same point: I can’t imagine day-to-day life with anyone except my husband. I can imagine romance and sex and fun dates with other people, but I find it quite difficult to picture myself washing another man’s clothes, arguing about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom, or sitting in front of the TV in companionable silence.

Now if we lived in a world where we could have romantic dates with someone else and then return to our husbands, that would be interesting. But I guess there would be a lot of sexual jealousy.

Sometimes I wonder why sex isn’t just like anything else people do with their friends. I go to movies with my friends, I eat and drink with them, I talk to them about personal things. Why isn’t sex on the menu? No one gets jealous if I hug my friends; why do people get jealous about sex? I suppose if we lived in a world without jealousy, without sexually-transmitted diseases, and without concerns about who will take care of the children, it might be possible to be less monogamous.

But for me, the bottom line is: if I want to grow old with anyone, it’s my husband. I have my friends too, but I don’t particularly want to live with them. And so far, I haven’t met another man I would really want to live with. Of course, if I ever do, maybe I’ll feel different. (Well, of course there’s my ex-therapist: I’m certain he’d be a wonderful husband and we’d be completely compatible in every way; we’d never argue or hurt each other, and we would live in absolute harmony and love. If only I could get him to realise it!)

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by Jazzed on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed, posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 5:05:57

>I can’t imagine day-to-day life with anyone except my husband.

Me either, my husband and I are so right together. We live in harmony and don't have any habits that drive each other nuts. He is always so supportive. I don't think I'd ever find anyone as wonderful as he is to me.

>
> Sometimes I wonder why sex isn’t just like anything else people do with their friends.

I have often wondered this myself. I always kept it to myself because I thought it wasn't an acceptable thought. I would never want to "swing" or have a threesome or anything like that, just normal sex between two consenting adults, but I know there would be jealousy. If my husband had sex with someone else, I could forgive him, but I'd be jealous too.

> But for me, the bottom line is: if I want to grow old with anyone, it’s my husband. (Well, of course there’s my ex-therapist: I’m certain he’d be a wonderful husband and we’d be completely compatible in every way; we’d never argue or hurt each other, and we would live in absolute harmony and love. If only I could get him to realise it!)

LOL Of course WE see that, why can't they?
My husband is 1 in a million, I'd be stupid as hell to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, BUT I think it's good to fantacize, it keeps me on my toes! LOL

Jazzed

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by cricket on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed, posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 5:05:57

I guess I am probably different than most women on this point, or maybe because I am in a latino culture where I know that I don't have a choice about it anyway, but my husband's sexual fidelity is not at all important to me. I mean I do worry about diseases but he has his girlfriends, I know it and he knows I know it.

And it's really okay. I mean the poor guy doesn't have very much else in his life, no education, a horrible grinding job, no real hope of anything getting any better, a son (not mine) who's spent the last 10 years in prison, a horrible, narcissistic mother who demands money every week and let's face it because of my own issues I am not that available to him emotionally. So I would never begrudge him the attentions of a few women who think that he is the hottest thing this side of the planet.

Now, of course, as he gets older it becomes an issue of not enough to go around for all of us. In fact this morning after a failed attempt at sex, I said you have to leave a spot for me and he was all apologetic and promising. But personally I think it's time for that Viagra prescription.

As far as my own fidelity is concerned, that's another story. There have certainly been desires for other men but never enough actually to want to act on it and I'm not sure that there ever will be. I feel a profound sexual connection with my husband (unfortunately that's the only connection I feel) and as long as we're together in that way I really don't care who else is getting some.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:17:33

I think fantasy is completely normal and healthy in a relationship. I certainly don't expect my husband to fantasize about me all the time, just as I do not fantasize about him all the time.

As far as monogamy, I think it's a hard thing to achieve. And perhaps a pretty unrealistic standard. We have set such impossibly hard rules on ourselves, all stemming basically from Victorianism where this whole ideal of marrying for true love came into being and the idea of "soulmates." etc.

But, I think I may hold a pretty unorthodox view of monogamy and fidelity for a woman. While I think it is hard for a woman to become sexually involved with someone without emotion or falling in love, I think men can do it just fine. IS this sexist? I think it's just realistic.

So, while I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone other than my husband, I would not be shocked at finding out about an infidelity.

Now, woulld I WANT to find out about one? Absolutely not. And I believe if I ever cheated on my husband, I would never tell him about it just to cleanse my soul.

so, in short, I think monogamy, while it is certainly acheivable, is not necessarily natural.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » cricket

Posted by Jazzed on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by cricket on May 26, 2005, at 7:09:30

Wow, that is a different perspective and very open and giving of you to accept your husband's infidelity because of what is lacking in his life. He is very lucky to have you!

Jazzed

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Miss Honeychurch

Posted by Jazzed on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:53

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 26, 2005, at 8:38:36

This is kind of the way I see it too. I"m just not that bothered by it as some. I wouldn't want my husband to leave me, that would about kill me, and I sure wouldn't want to do that to him, but if he had an affair, so be it.

It's funny, I was talking to a friend of my husband's, and I was kidding around with him, telling him that my husband has a girlfriend at work, and once I convinced him that it was true I told him it didn't bother me. He suggested that we should be married because he'd love his wife to feel that way. She's very controlling and domineering.

I agree that for women it's generally emotional, and for men not necessarily, it's more physical, at least initially. That's where the problems sometimes lie I think. We look for love, that's also what happens a lot of times in therapy I guess.

Jazzed

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:54

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 9:13:22

I think it depends on the man.

My husband would be appalled at that description of men.

He thinks being a man means once you commit to a woman in a marriage contract, you keep that commitment.

Fortunately I don't need to be one bit controlling in that respect. I just married someone who shared my values.

Which I guess you guys did too, so it all works out well. It's when people with different expectations marry that there is pain and suffering.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by Tamar on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:54

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 9:13:22

> I agree that for women it's generally emotional, and for men not necessarily, it's more physical, at least initially. That's where the problems sometimes lie I think. We look for love, that's also what happens a lot of times in therapy I guess.

I think it may be a question of degree. I don't find the idea of having one night stands particularly appealing because I like to know a person at least a little bit if I'm gonig to be physically intimate with them.

Having said that, I don't think it's all about a search for romantic love. Before I was married I used to sleep with some of my friends from time to time. It was, well, friendly. I wasn't looking for anything more, and neither were they. It didn't change the friendship significantly; it just added another layer. But it's not socially acceptable to do that now I'm married!

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:54

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed, posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 5:05:57

I wonder about it too.. But sex is a very highly emotional thing for me. I don't think I can have casual sex with anyone. In fact I haven't even hugged anyone other than my husband in my whole life.

 

Any opinions from men out there??? (nm)

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:54

In reply to Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:17:33

 

Re: Any opinions from men out there???

Posted by caraher on May 28, 2005, at 17:43:54

In reply to Any opinions from men out there??? (nm), posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 27, 2005, at 7:34:44

OK, I'll bite...

I think monogamy is tough and I certainly do fantasize about women other than my wife. This has been true through almost 19 years of marriage. I think if I were to have sex with another woman my wife would be hurt and extremely angry, but I also think she would eventually forgive and forget, particularly if it were "meaningless" sex. "Emotional infidelity" is another matter entirely, and in fact I have gone through a rough time with her over a non-sexual internet "relationship."

I'm a bit unusual, especially among men, in that my wife is my "first and only" sex partner. I do wonder about what it would be like with other women but I don't obsess about it, and don't think I would actually do it. I don't care what she fantasizes about (especially if it makes her more interested in blowing off some sexual steam); if she were to have sex with another man I'd be a jealous but mostly take it as a reflection on myself (just because that's my not-always-healthy habit). But I don't think that's at all likely. She's WAY into monogamy to the point of making almost obnoxiously judgmental remarks about divorce.

 

Re: Any opinions from men out there???

Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 19:27:20

In reply to Re: Any opinions from men out there???, posted by caraher on May 27, 2005, at 16:27:45

Hmm.
I watched a documentary a couple of weeks back on... I can't remember the name of it... swinging I think. Or something like that anyway.

It is when married people consent (with each other) to be able to have sexual relations with other people. Typically in the context of partner swapping.

Apparantly it is actually quite big in the US.

Many couples report that it helps strengthen their marriage and improve their sex life within their marriage too.

Maybe a bit radical...
But there it is.

I guess that means that lots of people feel the same way...
And lots of people have found this to be a good solution.
:-)

People would typically join a club, or something like that.
You had to join as a couple.
Then the club would book out a resort hotel or something like that and couples would just turn up and get to know each other over the weekend... or... whatever
;-)

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Dinah

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 20:33:27

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2005, at 9:34:29

> I think it depends on the man.
>
> My husband would be appalled at that description of men.

I side with your husband.

> He thinks being a man means once you commit to a woman in a marriage contract, you keep that commitment.

I'm not religious, so there's no God-fearing component to this, but I meant my vows when I swore them.

> Fortunately I don't need to be one bit controlling in that respect. I just married someone who shared my values.
>
> Which I guess you guys did too, so it all works out well. It's when people with different expectations marry that there is pain and suffering.

That's it. That's it exactly.

Lar

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » pinkeye

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 20:36:54

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 26, 2005, at 14:18:05

> I wonder about it too.. But sex is a very highly emotional thing for me. I don't think I can have casual sex with anyone.

I can't accept the "men all physical" thing, either. I can't have casual sex. If my heart isn't in it, it just isn't going to happen. Literally.

Lar

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Jazzed

Posted by Toph on May 28, 2005, at 23:57:15

In reply to Ever wonder about monogomy?, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:17:33

This is what I wonder about monogamy Jazzed. As a social worker I have worked with countless women in the last 25 years. I have respected most and loved four. I only slept with one of those four, this cute discharge planner who incidently is now my wife. I never slept with the others, though I fantasized about it and once came perilously close drinking together at a conference on the Queeen Mary in Long Beach years ago. An affair would have ruined my marriage, my friendship and my ability to work effectively with these special women. My wife, btw, is the love of my life. I love these other women differently but deeply. It does strike me as odd that infidelity can be such destructive betrayal of trust, but loving another platonically isn't.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Larry Hoover

Posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:35:20

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » pinkeye, posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 20:36:54

> I can't accept the "men all physical" thing, either. I can't have casual sex. If my heart isn't in it, it just isn't going to happen. Literally.
>
> Lar

A big ditto on that.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy?

Posted by alexandra_k on May 30, 2005, at 3:06:43

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Larry Hoover, posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:35:20

Hmm.

I like to think that if I do meet someone someday then we will make a committment to each other to be faithful as a part of that.

But really, what it would be about (to me) would be trust. That would be the issue.

Whether they *have* to be completely faithful to me might be something that could come up in conversation... It might be possible...

But it would be breaking my trust to do it *before* talking to me about it or despite my objecting to it or trying to hide it from me etc.

And of course I would reciprocate that courtesy.

I don't know.
I think there is a lot of leeway with respect to people finding out what is right for them.

And sometimes we need to make mistakes along the way...

I don't know.
See what happens I suppose.

 

Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Damos

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2005, at 20:45:58

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Larry Hoover, posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:35:20

> > I can't accept the "men all physical" thing, either. I can't have casual sex. If my heart isn't in it, it just isn't going to happen. Literally.
> >
> > Lar
>
> A big ditto on that.

Well, I feel like I'm in good company.

Lar

 

Likewise I'm sure (nm) » Larry Hoover

Posted by damos on May 30, 2005, at 22:32:18

In reply to Re: Ever wonder about monogomy? » Damos, posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2005, at 20:45:58

 

Hey Lar and Damos...

Posted by 10derHeart on May 31, 2005, at 0:32:05

In reply to Likewise I'm sure (nm) » Larry Hoover, posted by damos on May 30, 2005, at 22:32:18

....have I ever told you guys.....

....that you're simply the best.

Really.
You are.
We're all in great company with men like you around.
Big, giant hugs to you both.

 

ditto that 10der ! (nm)

Posted by anastasia56 on May 31, 2005, at 12:15:47

In reply to Hey Lar and Damos..., posted by 10derHeart on May 31, 2005, at 0:32:05

 

:-) (nm) » anastasia56

Posted by 10derHeart on May 31, 2005, at 13:23:44

In reply to ditto that 10der ! (nm), posted by anastasia56 on May 31, 2005, at 12:15:47

 

I'm touched. Thank you, ladies. (nm)

Posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2005, at 17:04:26

In reply to Hey Lar and Damos..., posted by 10derHeart on May 31, 2005, at 0:32:05

 

How did I miss that , thank you ladies

Posted by Damos on June 5, 2005, at 22:52:43

In reply to ditto that 10der ! (nm), posted by anastasia56 on May 31, 2005, at 12:15:47

I've gone all shy and embarrassed now. But seriuosly, thank you.


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