![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:50:29
so...
i heard that docs etc used to be surprised how some patients would seem to deteriorate on admission rather than seeming better. i guess the idea was that people should seem better in the relatively protective environment. with the removal of responsibilities.
but then they thought that it wasn't surprising, really. sometimes people hold it together because they have to. and then when they don't have to any more they can allow themselves to collapse.
i guess the idea is that the collapse is part of the progress. the collapse is good. the break... then allowing the person to improve / encouraging them to... whatever. till they are functional again.
is it, though? or does the collapse... is the collapse... not good.
i'm not sure that it is good for me to work with a t. mostly i am fiercely independent. but that is really fragile. and behind it is this helpless dependency that terrifies me. one that is extremely sensitive / vulnerable. and... helpless, really. total collapse... and therapists always want to get to that. but then they hurt it. and it never is safe. it never will be. it can't be. because it needs too much. so really... what is the point of even going there?
so... therapy is always a battle of them wanting me to get to this place... and me knowing that it isn't safe for me to get to that place. and even if i was the richest person in the world and i could afford the very best care in the world from the very best practitioners what would my ideal treatment look like? what do i want? to live in a hospital for... how long? years? forever? working from there? really?
what the f*ck do i even want? i don't know.
i think... part of the reason why i wanted to get out of philosophy is that i worried i was too unstable. couldn't deal with the stress. the deadlines. my inability to structure my time. to make steady progress (instead of sporadic bursts of all off / all on). what is to become of me? i'm scared.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 21:04:11
In reply to making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:50:29
maybe i'm wrong...
but i thought medicine or perhaps science research would offer me more structure.
i'm actually calmest and most centered in a busy environment where i've had some motor skill practice for the task. can find my flow. e.g., (this will sound strange) i enjoyed the group-flow of hospitality when things got super-busy and how so many people could skillfully dance around each other in tiny back of house spaces to get tasks done.
not entirely sure why i imagined emergency medicine to be something like that... and that perhaps i could be good at it. could enjoy it. could (mostly) walk away and collapse with exhaustion happy for a job well done.
philosophy requires the extreme of independence. and i get lost. i do appreciate the freedom to pursue anything i want (insofar as i can appreciate something i've actually got). but... i think i perform better with more structure. more focused externally provided deadlines. more regular positive reinforcements that i'm making progress. positive reinforcement. for something. anything. they are too few and far between.
i guess the idea used to be to take a year or two out to collapse. that this was the fastest way. take a year or two out to do the work. i guess the idea is that there is a fixed amount of work that needs to be done to repair the self. whether one spread it out over 10 years or condensed it into 1-2 was more about logistics.
but i'm not so sure. that doesn't work with physical training... i'm not sure what reason we have to believe it to be true of training the mind to respond differently to pressures... or... whatever it is doing that isn't good for us...
i don't think the goal is for me to get lost in / become that little part. to get lost in / become it and then have it grow up. i think that would be unnecessarily painful / disruptive. i suspect the idea is for the transitions to be smoother and less extreme... little hints of vulnerability and then seeing that disappointments can be tolerated. intimacy comes in degrees. of course. that is how it is supposed to be. and i suppose it is for life. because part of it is figuring out who can be trusted with what aspects of that at what time. learning to take measured, appropriate risks, such that disappointments can be tolerated.
or something.
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2013, at 14:29:57
In reply to making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:50:29
To be cynical, I'd think part of why people get worse in hospitals are the hospitals themselves. Once you're in, even the most sane and normal reactions to the environment are seen as symptoms. That's got to be crazymaking.
Posted by Phillipa on August 25, 2013, at 18:16:54
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2013, at 14:29:57
Dinah way in the past for me now when worked in psych we were told to play down the improvement if any and focus on the negative in our notes. That way the client could stay longer in the hospital and insurance would pay. Today from what I've been told only way in for psych is suicide attempt, or severe psychotic break where a depot shot is given and when it starts to work. Out the door they go. Don't know about other countries but I don't feel anyone here would be admitted? Phillipa
Posted by baseball55 on August 25, 2013, at 20:53:39
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2013, at 14:29:57
> To be cynical, I'd think part of why people get worse in hospitals are the hospitals themselves. Once you're in, even the most sane and normal reactions to the environment are seen as symptoms. That's got to be crazymaking.
>
>
I have been hospitalized six times and have never had a bad experience. The doctors and social workers are kind and knowledgeable, the nurses and counselors are skilled, the insurance companies try to push you out while you are still suicidal and the doctors push back. Nobody is trying to keep you there for money. Psych beds are money losers in hospitals and insurance companies put the docs under constant pressure.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2013, at 21:46:47
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by baseball55 on August 25, 2013, at 20:53:39
I don't mind hospital, either. I have been sectioned a couple times but... I think only the first time I didn't want to be there. The other times I sort of purposely upped the ante because I didn't want to be discharged. I can't remember how many times I've been hospitalized... Once in Aussie. About 2 weeks. The last time in NZ was ... For a week after I hurt my legs because the general ward didn't want to be responsible for discharging me. I hurt my legs because I was discharged in the morning... I had an exam scheduled for that afternoon. I'd been in hospital for, I think, two weeks before that. Had a shot of something. It made my eyes blurry and messed up my attention and I couldn't study / focus. It was a upper level paper. My hardest paper ever (behavioral psychology with a lot of statistics). I... Needed an A+ in the exam in order to earn an A- for the paper (my worst grade). I... Jumped off something. So I wouldn't have to do the exam. I figured I'd break an ankle or something. Actually... I didn't care whether I died I just wanted to make sure it would be serious enough to get me out of the exam.
Hows that for a miscommunication? Delay discharge for several hours and I wouldn't have needed to do that.
But now I sound like I'm saying they made me do it. I must take responsibility.
Silly me.
I don't remember.
Doesn't that make it so much better?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2013, at 21:48:28
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2013, at 21:46:47
I can usually get an admission out of sneaking in as close to the psych ward as possible... Curling up into a little ball... And staying there. For as long as possible. Eventually someone asks if I'm alright... Then security gets called... Then they will search me for ID which I do not have... Then the night registrar will get called... Then they will let me sleep in the lounge of the psych ward at the very least just in case I'm a patient who escaped or something.
Is that horrible of me?
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 26, 2013, at 7:38:18
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2013, at 21:48:28
You aren't horrible, or making things worse. You have an astute sense of when you're ready to leave. The hospitals are all about, at the end of the day, keeping costs down, regardless of the doctors' efforts.
So I'd say you are doing what you have power over; your behaviour, until you know you're ready to leave. And not a moment sooner.
IMO, of course.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2013, at 2:06:25
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on August 26, 2013, at 7:38:18
thanks. i guess it comes back to making me worse, though.
that is nice that the docs have positioned themselves as you and them against the nasty old health insurance provider. here... things seem very much more you against the no-speak-english doc. the mental health nurses try and present themselves as being more on your side. but then you are supposed to play popularity contest with all their other patients so they are inclined to want to help you.
it is partly because of limitations like: there simply aren't any available beds. but sometimes it is about their failure to comprehend. like how i was discharged 1 hour before my exam (just enough time for me to get to it) after being hospitalized for 2-3 weeks prior (all through the study period) after having a reaction to a depo shot where i couldn't read or focus. 'it's okay! you can do course next year get better grade!' it was the last course for my degree. anything less than an A- would have totally f*ck*d up my GPA and i wouldn't have been able to get scholarships to continue.
so now i'm 'DO NOT ADMIT'. and i'm 'HANG UP AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN'. and so on.
that wasn't my last admission, i remember now. i had one after that private psychology person saw me. turned out she was all 'say you have been sexually abused here on this form so i get lots of money for working with you'. AWOL... can't remember... i think that might have been the showing up outside the psych ward, actually... that's right. i got terminated. i forgot. round two.
ugh.
i hate this country.
i really, really do.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 17:24:04
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2013, at 2:06:25
From time to time, it has sounded recently that you are having a really rough time, despite having so much resilience and intelligence. When you spoke of therapy, you seemed to have come to the conclusion that it just raises an unbearable degree of dependency, because of the severe issues you have with your mother, but never resolves them or makes them less severe.
I think attachment-focused therapy, as practiced by the best therapists, is able to help these issues of severe early deprivation a lot. If you could find someone really good at doing this, would you be interested in giving it a try?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2013, at 17:32:03
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 17:24:04
> would you be interested in giving it a try?
with who?
why tease?
Posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 18:40:47
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 17:24:04
Teasing is the very last thing I was doing. I'm so sorry it seemed that way to you. As to with whom, being from the US I can only say, as I did before, that it should be someone very skilled.
If my suggestion seems irrelevant or unwelcome, just ignore it.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2013, at 19:19:23
In reply to Re: making things worse » Twinleaf, posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 18:40:47
> Teasing is the very last thing I was doing. I'm so sorry it seemed that way to you. As to with whom, being from the US I can only say, as I did before, that it should be someone very skilled.
>
> If my suggestion seems irrelevant or unwelcome, just ignore it.I'm sorry - my internet connection has been dodgey for the past couple days. I just managed to connect. I came here to post something else. To fix it. I was kind of teasing you - I said it with a wry smile, or similar. But then I realized that you might not read it that way. It totally is the case of 'I can't have it - but that is fine, I didn't want it anyway' <sniff>. If I could afford to see a decent therapist I suspect I probably would.
Though... I have been thinking more about what I would like, if I could afford anything at all. And whether it would likely be good for me. There might be something to this strategy. I've never thought through it because PERFECTIONIST THINKING! prevented me. Unhelpfully. Of course.
My last therapist was attachment based. It was helpful for me. I like to think I've grown up a little since then (I hope you get what I mean). But sometimes... Sometimes I'm not sure that I have. I guess I'm more vulnerable sometimes compared to other times. Got my period today. Probably been building up to that. It really does seem to affect me...
Posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 19:57:12
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2013, at 19:19:23
Me too , and I always somehow forget that the week before is going to be more stressful. The day the period starts, I always seem sort of surprised that I was more tense beforehand!
It's extremely hard to find a therapist who is affordable when you are a grad student - and even harder to find a really good one who works with an attachment orientation. They are very hard to find in the US also, although I do have one. I don't know, I sort of feel that if you really want a therapist like that, you will find one, and be able to work out the money and frequency issues in some way. I think the really good ones want to find clients who really need what they can offer. And - what other way is there, really, to improve an early attachment disturbance?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:24:02
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 27, 2013, at 19:57:12
I think I'm starting to see that the problem is this developing nation I've found myself in. The public psychiatry system is... A refuge for Soviet and Middle Eastern clinicians with dubious ability to speak English. They are here for their tickets to other things, for the most parts. Except the ones who... Don't make it. And are stuck here.
Aussie was better. I miss it so... The public system hires private practitioners so my p-doc (for instance) did 1 or 2 days a week in the outpatient clinic and worked the rest of the time in his private practice. It gave him... Some leeway to refer people (with health insurance, for example) to his private practice. Or to other clinicians private practices etc. I got referred to his outpatient (DBT) clinic to start with and after meeting him there for an initial interview he said he would see me in his private practice for therapy where my contribution was heavily subsidized so as to actually be affordable for me. So that was very good of him. I learned later (google is your friend) that he had an MA in Philosophy of Mind... So part of it would have been that we clicked. Which... We did.
I hear that something similar can (sometimes) be worked out in the US if you are lucky enough to be living close to an analytic training institute and you are a graduate student. I got to see a training p-doc at UNC who was competent enough, I suppose... But she wasn't a training analyst... And I don't know that she had a theoretic orientation... Or that she had been told anything particularly much about what she was supposed to be doing... I really have no idea. Maintenance. I guess she was an ear for me to vent to... And it helped me through. Which was perhaps the idea since I was only there for a year and then back to Aussie...
I thought it might be different where I am now because of the medical school. But I don't know that it is, really. I don't know. And... I suppose I am reluctant. In case I do end up going on to do medicine. I know enough about the public system here to know that there is no such thing as confidentiality. I... I don't know.
> It's extremely hard to find a therapist who is affordable when you are a grad student - and even harder to find a really good one who works with an attachment orientation. They are very hard to find in the US also, although I do have one. I don't know, I sort of feel that if you really want a therapist like that, you will find one, and be able to work out the money and frequency issues in some way. I think the really good ones want to find clients who really need what they can offer. And - what other way is there, really, to improve an early attachment disturbance?
Yeah.
I always appreciate your posts. I really am very sorry for the misunderstanding before... Glad you are here.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:29:48
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:24:02
well... i had a verbal spew today.
i got some grading work about a week ago. it took me 2x as long as it should have. usually the first 1/3 or so take 3x as long as they should... but near the end you can get them done in less than 1/6 the time, and the idea is that it all evens out. and typically... well... with 7 years grading experience... typically it does even out. but this lot took me 2x as long. so... there it is: quantification of what my current living environment (with the noise which interrupts my focus) and the dodgey internet connection is doing to me.
i tried again with student accommodation... and i spoke to the enrollment people again (because i thought i might need to enroll in graduate diplomas in order to apply for graduate student accommodation)... anyway... i've sent them an email about how i can't work in my present environment. that i bloody well will be a student next year if i get my thesis done...
otherwise...
i might just move to dunedin. they have offered me desk space down there... sort of... well actually. but i bet it is in a big group study room and i won't get after hours building access...
argh.
anyway...
i don't know what to say.
things have to move up or sideways. i'm not okay where i am. i feel... relieved. that i have that quantification.
sense making.
things have to change. and there it is.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:41:28
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:29:48
because philosophers are high maintenance.
i got my own office as an honors (4th year) student. well... it was shared with 1 other. he worked in the mornings (from 6am). i worked in the evenings. we overlapped for a few hours of discussion and daily lunch. it worked perfect. then anna came along and... well... she did the discussion and daily lunch and aside from that we never saw her. things worked perfectly.
then i shared with study focused others. which was also fine. because if someone looked like they were working then everybody else was mindful of not disturbing them.
and then i got my own office again. which was bliss. i learned... to talk to myself. out loud. it really, really works!
so i'm having a hard time now not being able to talk to myself. not being able to read my writing out loud to hear how it reads. not being able to ask myself out loud questions. Dennett has something about that... Other theorists too, i think. about how asking yourself questions out loud and answering them out loud activates different neural circuits than thinking. thinking is... sort of internalized. more abstract. less effective...
and i'm having an even harder time not having somewhere quiet to work. i've realized: silent. that is the issue. it isn't that i need people to be quiet (talking quietly) it is that i need people to be silent. as in not talking. preferably not doing other things like coughing and rummaging either... but the latter isn't quite so bad. unless it is obviously done becaues someone is trying to get your attention.. which is really obnoxious and makes me want to punch the person repeatedly in teh head so they lose what few iq points they actually have.
i'm too old and grumpy to be an undergrad again. probably.
how do other people study in distracting environments?
or...
is this because i don't smoke anymore.
?
is that why this stuff drives me absolutely blow your head off insane?
Posted by Twinleaf on August 29, 2013, at 15:22:57
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 2:24:02
I'm so glad you told us the story of your pdoc in Australia. It sounds as though he went way out of his way to make therapy possible - and that it was a helpful, meaningful relationship for you both. Is it hard to move to Australia from NZ? (if you wanted to).
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 20:25:42
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by Twinleaf on August 29, 2013, at 15:22:57
> I'm so glad you told us the story of your pdoc in Australia. It sounds as though he went way out of his way to make therapy possible - and that it was a helpful, meaningful relationship for you both.
I think so, yes.
> Is it hard to move to Australia from NZ? (if you wanted to).
Not with NZ citizenship. Can fly to Sydney for a couple hundred (New Zealand) dollars. Can live and work there indefinitely without visa.
The problem is finding a job there. I'm not eligible for unemployment / sickness benefits etc. My only experience is teaching / researching in a University environment. I need to finish my PhD before I will be considered for anything further in Australia. I stopped working on my thesis before, you see. Only way to unburn those bridges is to finish my thesis and get myself ahead (e.g., publications and maybe a book).
I managed to find a job in hospitality in Aussie once my scholarship ran out. Actually, I was given it out of pity, since I needed to pay my rent and I was living in student rooms as part of a University Hotel. They didn't want to give me the job because they considered me 'quiet' and so on. Not the vivacious person they usually looked for.
Then they found me to be strangely competent. They found that (oddly) the visiting academics liked my quiet manner. It was a lot of running around on my feet, though, and my feet didn't cope so well with it. It didn't pay very well, either. After a 4 hour shift I could barely walk. And I was only getting 4 hours a day. I was gradually paying back the money I owed on my rent and eating... Not making progress on my thesis... Constant back and ankle pain from the work... Returning to NZ and going on welfare seemed preferable. I learned now... (when i asked them for references)... That I should have pushed harder for a job on reception.
But then I discovered that welfare isn't enough for you to live in an appropriately quiet environment. They vary the accommodation supplement portion of the base rate in a way which... Prevents you from living independently no matter where in the country you are based.
The only thing to do is... To seek out like minded individuals in a similar position. LIke slime mould... Us organisms are forced together in times of hardship. The main peril is all the people who are fundamentally incapable who are determined to keep other individuals at their level at all costs...
I got to talk to student accommodation services today. Basically... Things are sh*t. This is what you get from putting a university in a 'destination' place, I see, now. That was what was so wonderful about some of the places I"ve been that are basically small university towns. One can joke 'it is a good place to do research because there is nothing else to do'. It is more that it is a good place for community because people live close to campus (walking distance) which is close to decent bars etc so people can hang out a lot, drink a lot, and then get themselves safely and conveniently home at the end of the evening. Unlike Sydney (for instance) where people live all over the show and most people won't even turn up for work since it is too much effort and expense to make their way in.
I do keep thinking about Dunedin... The student town. The southernmost university in the world. The south f*ck*ng pole. The cold. The scottish heritige buildings (for some reason it is considered impolite to cite WHO standards on appropriate temperatures for not stressing the immune system). The student ghettos. I kid you not:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4A85ZRj5Dw
there are places here in the city... absolute dumps. but in the city and close to the library. i have to face... that is my life now.
perhaps this is what i need to sufficiently motivate me to get the hell out of here.
there were a couple others where I was a grad student. they were f*ck*ng determined... to get the hell out. perhaps... all that shock treatment i had... my undergraduate institution... was in a place that is notoriously unpopular. it wasn't that bad... but a bit of dump, yeah. no reason to go there. one would prefer to get the hell out. i managed to get places with a self contained room attached to the garage. and then university accommodation. i guess i was lucky for the quality of life i had there given poverty. perhaps i didn't have the memories of quite the struggle they had had. perhaps... this will be good for me.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 20:42:49
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 20:25:42
I know now why most people don't stand a chance.
Part of it is children being raised in fairly harsh conditions. Lots of rough-housing. Don't be silly. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It isn't cold. You aren't hungry. Etc.
Then abandonment as the next child is born which forces weaning and... Neglect. Only it isn't because there are lots of other people around for you to seek care from. And so... Seek care you do. As loudly and gregariously as possible. And you persist... And other people feed you and hug you and so on. And in this way you learn to extract help from others. You learn to please them in order to get their help.
And you end up with very noisy environments where individuals clamber over each other to get the attention and food etc that they need. Environments that reinforce the pushiest bully.
There is no place for me in that kind of environment. There is no place for reading. For writing. For maths. There is no place for the development of special musical skill (for instance) because some bully will only steal your guitar.
Michelangelo was painting the cistene chapel while a lot of other cultural groups were...
You can throw money at them but it is throwing money at a sinking ship unless people find a way to move the culture forward... A culture that isn't evolving, adapting, is dying. That is all there is to it. A lot of people want nothing more than to get the hell away from it. You have to get the hell away from it in order to have any chance of success in this world.
You need to have more money than others because you need power to enforce your needs when needs conflict. You need gates on communities because otherwise certain people can't flourish. I can't function in an environment that is not appropriately quiet. People who are incapable of being appropriately quiet need to be barred from entry. There is a gradual weeding and sorting and selecting process that happens... From first years to graduates to masters students to PhD to professor... You have stuff available to later years not available to earlier years in part because people can't be trusted. You need graduate only study areas because if they weren't graduate only you can bet that some idiots will ruin it for everybody by making a hell ofa racket. Either out of their own ignorance / stupidity or out of maliciousness because of their own inability.
I never used to feel this way.
I never used to be racist either. I need to get away from where I am because living there is resulting in my starting to have racist thoughts. I'm noticing that it is the Islander's / Maaori who are reliably the noisiest. I think it is a function of large families and the whole clambering over each other for basic needs thing. Some have managed to beat the poverty trap (in part by reducing the number of children they have). But most have not. When I hear a group of students being partiuclarly noisy in the library... It is a simple fact that they are far more likely to be Maaori or Pacific Island students.
The Hispanic people in North Carolina (that I saw) were either serving food or doing road works. Aside from one of my friends who was agraduate student. She was extremely a-typical... Her mother was a high school teacher and she did her undergrad at Stanford... I see how you grow up with racist stereotypes when it is a simple fact that you exposure is limited in these particular ways. It isn't a Maaori or Pacific Islander thing... It is more a Maaori or Pacific Islander + Poverty thing. And actually... Poverty. It is more about that. It is just that I don't see $ tags on people. And some are good at concealing the fact that they live in squalor.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 29, 2013, at 23:02:36
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2013, at 20:25:42
It sounds as though it's NZ until you get your doctorate. But choices might open up after that.
I visited Dunedin 12 years ago, and liked it a lot. Small, cozy and university-oriented. The weather was great, but it was January!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2013, at 19:48:32
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 29, 2013, at 23:02:36
> It sounds as though it's NZ until you get your doctorate. But choices might open up after that.
Well, if I get into medical school it will be NZ for another 6 years. Unless we start getting paid earlier than that... In which case I'll bail to Australia at the first available opportunity... Or not. Here is... Like anywhere... Perfectly fine if you have money to avoid the ghetto element.
> I visited Dunedin 12 years ago, and liked it a lot. Small, cozy and university-oriented. The weather was great, but it was January!
I went once when I was under 5... And then I went back again for medical interview. That was June / July so I got it at its coldest whereas you were there in the peak of summer. We both missed the students. They go back home over the summer and between semester breaks when I was there, too.
I liked it a lot. I thought I could have been happy there. There were a few apartment-type buildings in the city... And the city is a quick walk from the university and the hospital...
Did you see Dunda's street by any chance? Dunedin is notorious for its cheap substandard student housing. The idea is to... Live at the pub, basically. I'm starting to see... That is the idea for a lot of students.
I went and spoke with accommodation services in Auckland yesterday... The max I can afford to pay... Might just get me a tiny studio (as in, the bed folds out from the wall) where there is one kitchen / bathroom per floor in one of the tower blocks close to the university / park. The walls are made of paper so you can hear the person several floors down and three across talk to their mother.
I... Can't do it.
I got a brainwave... It is time for me to go back home. Not to my mother, of course, god forbid. But to my undergraduate university. There are some (not many but some) self contained rooms out the back of houses that are located close to campus (that is how I got through the bulk of my undergraduate degree). I've sent a letter off to student services about the possibility of campus accommodation... I'm fairly sure I'll be able to get some department office space over the summer even if not the second semester... They gave me my current grading work... It has reactivated my email address...
Of course. It's obvious. It is time for me to go home.
Tears.
Fingers crossed that works out for me.
If I get a place in a hall here for next year then I guess med was meant to be. That is the way I'll look at that. If I don't... Well... Then... That is that. We will see...
I am tired of... HOw people don't know what to make of me. I am tired of being a special case. I actually talked to the accommodation guy... He was talking about how they do try and match people (accommodation is apartment style)... They were thinking of setting up a facebook match-up like online dating... I cringed. I said that most people were full of it. Everybody says they are above average drivers and friendly and nobody consideres themselves to be a disgusting slob to live with even though most people are. How people rate themselves is very different to how others rate them. I said they should make GPA information available. Put the smart ones together.
For once in their life... Just once... For the first time ever for many people... Why not let the smart ones do their thing instead of expecting them to mind the unmotivated slackers for free. I didn't say that... But that is the general spirit of it. I'm done with people expecting me to put my learning on hold (indefinately, forever) in order to do other peoples work for them. I pay my fees, same as them. I deserve teh opportunity to learn, same as them. If A university doesn't get to reward academic success / desire for academic success then where is there to reward that?
I'm cautiously optimistic. They have updated their webpages, anyway... They used to have a drop down menu of 'hobbies' etc that you had to pick from (where I got the idea of popularity contest). Now people are asked to describe themselves (e.g., - what sort of hours do you like to keep? do you like to study into the evenings?). It is about minimizing complaints to the residential assistants. A little part inside of me dies. 7 years teaching undergraduates... Full responsibility for my own upper level undergraduate paper... Now you are going to make me live with the 18 year olds? If there aren't people like me... If I'm not valued there... Well...
Whatever will be will be.
This country simply can't get it's head around the idea of 'graduate entry' programs.
I... It will be interesting to return to my undergrad institution... Be surrounded by my academic friends (the professors are largely the same). So see... How much the university has changed... vs... How much it is me that has changed. I can't tell.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2013, at 20:07:38
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2013, at 19:48:32
I have learned that I function best where I can put myself somewhere pleasant where I can't see or hear other people.
That cost money. It costs money to have the power to keep other people out. And you do need to put up barriers to physically prevent other people from trying to capture your attention. Because if people try and capture your attention and you make it clear that you do not value their presence you want them to go away then they will turn on you.
And that is what repeatedly happens for me. People do not back off when I signal that I need them to back off. Then they have shown me that I can't trust them to back off. So then I don't want anything to do with them because I've learned that they are not safe people for me to be around. And then they detect that I do not want to have anything to do with them and they turn on me.
Apparently I'm supposed to compromise. Pretend to be happy to see other people when I'm not happy to see them. Then they get whatever it is that they need / want and then they will go away again. So I have to do what they want in order for them to let me have what I want. I need to work at half pace - acknowledging the succession of efforts to capture my attention 'oh hello you are back again!' 'oh my you seem to have a nasty phlegmy cough!' 'oh do your feet hurt the way you drag them about the place!' 'oh, you went out for 10 minutes but YAY you are back again!' 'is your mother the only person who told you you could sing - awwww i wonder why that might be!' and so on. until... my work doesn't get done. but that is cool. y'all will look after me. i can just be that person who is forever. always. happy. to. see. you.
ugh.
___
Posted by Twinleaf on August 30, 2013, at 21:14:35
In reply to Re: making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2013, at 19:48:32
Your posts are great - better than Samuel Pepys' diary! ! I hope you are keeping records of them on your end for the memoir you will write one day...
It sounds like going to your home university might be good, provided you could get the type of housing you need. Is it on North Island?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 31, 2013, at 20:17:58
In reply to Re: making things worse » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 30, 2013, at 21:14:35
> Your posts are great - better than Samuel Pepys' diary! ! I hope you are keeping records of them on your end for the memoir you will write one day...
Oh... I've never heard of that. No, I don't keep track... This is... Where I get the sh*t out. The sh*t that I used to keep to myself. I used to get all kinds of stuck with it... It would fester...
Then, over the years, I've learned to be kinder to myself. Literature mostly helped. Theorists like Linehan etc. I came to more compassionate understandings of why I'd get stuck on certain things. Not least because of internalizing environmental influences. Countering those negative influences with literature and with therapists, too, I guess. Learning to stand back from myself and... Being my own therapist, I guess.
Still helps to get it out, though. Most therapists can't tolerate my doing that. Most of my friends... Well... One needs to limit this kind of thing. Really. It doesn't do reciprocity any good. And friendships can become a bit entangled and... High maintenence... So need another way to deal...
Apparently part of it is that I'm too quick. People are always at me to slow down. I think other people get some kind of stunned / freeze response around me. Writing helps... Make things more manageable. Probably also helps to not have to look at me since I'm very reactive and visibly emotionally intense. Which seems overwhelming to people, too. For good and for bad. Writing is best.
And sometimes people say things that introduce another perspective which helps a lot. But mostly I don't really expect anybody much to be reading... I expect it is mostly overwhelming, actually. But it does help me to put it some place where there is the potential for response, yes. Because sometimes the other perspective is helpful, yes. ANd here... Nobody takes any particular responsibility for me... So nobody feels any obligation or pressure to offer anything particularly helpful. And often... I need to find my own way anyway. Because I'm like that. I suspect my last therapist was fairly ingenious at making me think that this or that was actually my idea even though it wasn't...
I used to have major concerns about my privacy on these boards. I'm a lot less concerned now. I guess I"ve realized... I"m not that spcial or important. Nobody gives a sh*t (in a malicious way). Lots of academics have mental health issues. Nobody gives a sh*t. Just do the work as best you can is all. Also... I'm more resiliant. For instance... Now... I am struggling through issue to do with feeling extremely guilty that the masses are stupid and need to be fenced away from others in order for those others to have any sort of quality of life at all. This thought is something that is deeply offensive to me on some level... So... how to process it better... Because there is a truth - right? But there is also a mis-something. Because of the ill feeling this produces in me... Need to figure it out... In order to live with myself... But somehow I don't think I'd be destroyed if someone did come here and post that I was a complete psychopathic *ssh*l*. I think I think a lot of things that a lot of people are too afraid to... Admit to? To consciously think even to themselves (if that makes sense). But workign through it is... Important. Not just for me. But for humanity. NOt that I'm that f*ck*ng important.
Does that make any sense?
> It sounds like going to your home university might be good, provided you could get the type of housing you need. Is it on North Island?Yes. It is about 2 hours drive to the south and it only takes so long because you have to get through the city at this end. I honestly expect that they won't be able to place me until November (end of second semester) though... So... Someone has offered me their house to house sit - but that is December / January. I suppose... I can look forward to a nice summer... But the next couple of months will be harder for me.
It was important for me to have come here, though. Anthropology, too. Division of labor and all that. And it is important to my piece of mind to have some reassurance that I will feel at home at the University here after my awful experiences (though anthropologically interesting, I suppose) at tech (sport science) and then at uni (physio).
I am hemming and hawing a lot... Science proper (bio-physics, bio-chem, evo-genetics etc) vs health science (lots of demography and public health stuff). The later is social science which will be much easier for me... The former... Is risky. I have no idea... I do grading for things like 'critical thinking' and I'm astounded at the low quality of the work... But still... I have no idea how I will do in science.
I have to try though, right? I tried the easy way. Otago med: Applied there because it was easier. Sports Sci: Thought it would be easy. Physio: Applied there because it was easier. Easy ... Turns out to be impossible for me. I guess... I simply do need to do things the hard way.
Next year is the first year they are opening a hall of residence that is prioritizing post-grad and returning students for apartment living. They want... People to stay. And of course to nominate their roommates for subsequent years. It could be the next 6 years of my life. It... It could work. It is the first time they have done that. FOr the first time... They are offering 52wk contracts, too, instead of booting everybody out come November and making people reapply for the following academic year. He said they had a number of 25+ year olds applying... Accommodation in the city really is that hard to find... As is an appropriate study space...
My life has to get better.
But come what may: Work every day. Because that is the only difference...
This is the end of the thread.
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