Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 1016782

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My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 18:20:49

Sad to say her house looks as bad as the ones that end up on the news.

I've tried to involve social services and local government in the past. But apparently people have a right to live that way.

I suppose they'll have to carve out a path as wide as a wheelchair now. She doesn't want home health nurses in her house. But she's had emergency medical personnel in her house lately so it's not really a secret.

Unfortunately there are aspects of her mental illness that affect me in a concrete way.

I want to be sensitive and understanding. I really do. But I don't really feel understanding. I mostly feel angry. I mostly try to avoid but sometimes the problem reaches out and grabs me. I hate going anywhere near her house.

I think the latest thoughts are that only a small subset of hoarders suffer from OCD, and that hoarding is a separate illness. That makes sense to me. It's never seemed like OCD to me. She doesn't seem to be anxious about it at all. More stubborn and willful.

I'm afraid of my mother. I know she can't do anything to me. But I'm still afraid of her. That's so silly really.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 21:46:50

In reply to My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 18:20:49

I'm sorry.

My customary coping mechanisms have been disrupted for now, and I'm panicking a bit.

I feel like I should do something, but there's so little I can do. When I try I just feel more frustrated. I need to find some way to quit trying.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah

Posted by sleepygirl2 on April 30, 2012, at 22:03:08

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 21:46:50

I'm drowsy......
But, I wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I'll respond for real after I have slept a bit.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 22:26:43

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah, posted by sleepygirl2 on April 30, 2012, at 22:03:08

Thanks sleepygirl. I think it may be time for a Risperdal or two myself.

Sigh. I'm trying to arrange something to be done at my mother's house, and was met with contempt and disgust from a workman. I feel so ashamed and it's not even my house. Any effort I make towards sanity in that house is met with rage from my mother. So I'm feeling pretty raw and a bit desperate today. It'll pass, I hope.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by 64bowtie on May 1, 2012, at 5:09:15

In reply to My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 18:20:49

My dear Dinah,

Otherwise, how are y'alls doin'??? I miss our discussions; and a not so veiled sense of caring we seem to share...

Hoarding is still a compulsion; a sort of "cogniphobia", as in a fear of thinking in the present, how painful it would be, to be without "something" when you truly needed it...

I gets wacky when the hoarder can never find any item so designated as a "must have", or an article in the endless stacks of newspapers, or their favorite recipe in those piles of books and magazines, or the cash and or checks socked away for emergencies...

A friend of mine helped fumigate a fourplex where the lady had died... Yes, all four apartments were stacked 6ft high separated by paths to navigate her "riches"... They found $8,000 in cash stuffed here and there, along over $30,000 in uncashed checks... Her cruel irony is that she couldn't find any of it when she needed it...

Relate this story to your Mom, and pass on my belief that she is a better person who simply needs a better vision for tomorrow...

Stay safe and find joy every day...

Rod

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 8:56:27

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by 64bowtie on May 1, 2012, at 5:09:15

I've tried to say these things to my mother. But she's not willing to talk about it. She'll hang up or yell or tune me out.

I think one reason I'm angry is that I remember the beginning of hoarding newspapers. She always saved the food section for recipes, although my father was the one who actually cooked. But during the Mondale/Reagan election she refused to let anyone throw out any newspaper because she wanted to read the editorials. After the elections, we made the mistake of celebrating that we could now throw out those newspapers. She got angry, yelled and screamed, and never willingly disposed of another newspaper. She'd pull out the classified section to use under the dog, maybe. There was no suggestion that she would ever read them. There's something so willful and angry and aggressive about that.

I really think the kicker for me was when my father was dying. He was having trouble falling out of bed, and the medics would have to come help him. The people from Hospice were planning to bring him a hospital bed and my mother, I kid you not, screeched at the social worker that she would not have a hospital bed cluttering up her house. (The house that at that time only had a few rooms that weren't cluttered because my father insisted on it. Now there's just a narrow walkway from room to room.) She also opposed hiring anyone to help him, saying they couldn't afford it. Despite having just purchased an expensive car that she's still paying back over seven years later because she sure didn't have the money for that. My father was taken into protective custody until she made the required changes.

It broke something in our relationship that I'm not sure can be fixed. I'd like it to be, but...

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 9:00:24

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by 64bowtie on May 1, 2012, at 5:09:15

This is why I admire you, Rod. I couldn't do what you did for your Dad. And you did it with full consciousness. Not being sucked into it passively.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2012, at 10:23:07

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 9:00:24

I live with a horder and I just liked thing tidy not squeaky clean. I wear blinders. No wonder I have to get out of the house sit in the car to eat. Phillipa

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by emmanuel98 on May 1, 2012, at 18:22:20

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 22:26:43

I have a friend who is a professional organizer and she works alot with hoarders. I don't know how you find them though. There must be an association. Also, I imagine your mother would have to agree.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » emmanuel98

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:27:23

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by emmanuel98 on May 1, 2012, at 18:22:20

My mother wouldn't agree.

That's the whole thing about the illness.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » Phillipa

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:32:06

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2012, at 10:23:07

I ordinarily am not so angry with her about it. I just avoid going there. If she wants to live with chest high junk in the main rooms and the other rooms so clogged with junk you can't even get in the door, that's her right, I suppose. Especially since the only person living with her also seems to have the disorder.

I'm just angry right now because it's affecting *me*. Once that situation is over, I'll be able to set aside the anger, I'm sure.

My father used to insist that a few rooms be left largely habitable. You can't manage to carve out a space for yourself?

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:34:06

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:32:06

I screamed like a banshee at my hoarder uncle tonight.

I hate it that I let him press my buttons so much.

I hate, hate, hate getting angry. It gives me a headache, and I have a doozy.

 

I'm not usually a screamer

Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:41:18

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:34:06

I doubt my husband and son ever remember my yelling or screaming at them. Ever.

Even my mother doesn't make me screech.

But this is the second time it's happened with my uncle, and I really really hate that.

 

» Dinah » mutual admiration, I assure you....

Posted by 64bowtie on May 2, 2012, at 7:11:01

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 9:00:24

Dear »Dinah»,

Sometimes I remember how reluctant I felt and how the timing never seemed just right... I don't consider his passing a beautiful outcome...

I consider it an allegory and testament to the reputation of Kaiser/Permanente killing elderly patients... Immediately after refusing to replace his hearing aids they had lost, he became suddenly diagnosed as having advanced Alzheimer's...

Can you picture any Alzheimer patients able to call up 30 or 40 tunes on the harmonica without coaching or coaxing??? Unable to hear questions, he was a little slow answering; but answer he did...

Out of the other side of mouth, I am glad they recommended him for Hospice Care, because that allowed me to move him into my apartment, and supplied bed and care that made it so much easier for me to provide the food and meds to help make him comfortable... He remained noble to the end... I only hope I can be as noble as he was @ 91...

Rod

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by 64bowtie on May 2, 2012, at 7:50:47

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2012, at 21:34:06

»Dinah»,

Perhaps some yoga might help with your disappointment over your behavior; OBTW, we all would probably act the same if in your shoes... Cut yourself some slack; I would...

I am so lucky that you have remained patient with me over these last 8 years... I'm hoping your Son and Hubby do something or buy something really nice for you for Mother's Day...

In contrast, you can draw your Mom a map for Mother's Day so she can navigate the paths in her house........lol...

You're not alone; I have an ex-WWII pilot friend who just turned 90, who, sadly, still hobbles into the Casino, loses his money, and comes back home to his house of paths... We who know him have pitched in to get him 4 fire extinguishers and drew him a map to show where they're supposed to be... Its soooo sad to see him in this circumstance...

Stay safe and think happy thoughts...

Rod

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie

Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2012, at 10:36:28

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by 64bowtie on May 2, 2012, at 7:50:47

I was proud of myself yesterday. I worked several hours with my uncle, and discovered that he's a far worse hoarder than my mother. He insisted on keeping things that my mother would have thrown out. Every piece of trash had some potential use.

I didn't say a word. He was helping me accomplish my goal, and in fact it would likely take weeks rather than days without his help since I'm in awful shape. So I didn't throw out so much as a piece of old plastic without checking with him first. Neither of us fought, tho we probably each privately had our own thoughts.

The Risperdal I took before meeting with him probably helped a lot.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2012, at 10:44:15

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by 64bowtie on May 2, 2012, at 7:50:47

I actually think I'd admire the small landfill footprint they leave, if they weren't depositing it in her house instead.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by Twinleaf on May 3, 2012, at 22:06:45

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2012, at 10:44:15

This would be such a tough situation for anyone, with all the emotional stress of her physical illness on top of the frustration and rage that hoarding evokes in family members. Is there a way to apply city safety standards in order to get at least a partial clean-up?

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah

Posted by sigismund on May 3, 2012, at 22:10:28

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2012, at 10:36:28

I don't suppose these people are old enough to have lived through the depression?

When I was growing up there were boxes to save string and even used paper wrappers from the butter were kept to grease cooking trays.

Different world.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder

Posted by zazenducke on May 4, 2012, at 9:40:44

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Twinleaf on May 3, 2012, at 22:06:45

> This would be such a tough situation for anyone, with all the emotional stress of her physical illness on top of the frustration and rage that hoarding evokes in family members. Is there a way to apply city safety standards in order to get at least a partial clean-up?

All applications to health department and elder protective services etc must be made in your brother's name of course. If Suzanne Chabaud and your mom got in a fist fight who do you think would win? I've always been fond of your mom. I like a gal with spizzerinktum. If she's in rehab ask social services or occupational therapy to send someone out to make sure the house is safe before they release her. If she's in a wheelchair now they may require that themselves.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah

Posted by sleepygirl2 on May 4, 2012, at 16:45:20

In reply to My mother is a hoarder, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2012, at 18:20:49

I've been exposed to hoarding. Not growing up, but later on. It's a baffling thing isn't it?
My father is apparently a bit of a hoarder. He might face eviction, because of that and other peculiarities. He's obsessed with his neighbor who he believes is on an evil quest to destroy him.
My friend's mom is a hoarder. She said that for years they couldn't get hot water in the shower, because no one could be allowed in to fix the water heater. At one point, she said they'd moved to a new place, but had to keep paying rent on the old one because they couldn't get rid of the stuff.
So out of control....

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » Twinleaf

Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2012, at 10:58:04

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by Twinleaf on May 3, 2012, at 22:06:45

They don't really care. I mentioned my concerns about her wheelchair to the social worker and she just said to make sure that a wide enough path is made by the time she goes home. Perhaps that will make my mother feel better about having health care personnel in the home.

I'm generally pretty good at detaching, so I don't always feel rage. But sometimes it affects me in a concrete sense, and I can't put aside the feelings. In general, I agree that people can live their lives as they wish. But unfortunately, it's not always confined to their own lives. When it reaches over to mine, it makes me angry.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » sigismund

Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2012, at 11:02:16

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah, posted by sigismund on May 3, 2012, at 22:10:28

Only as a very young child. But my mother's family were very poor farmers and did hoard themselves. I guess it makes sense if you don't have many resources, and can access the hoarding to provide what is needed. It makes less sense when you'd need days to dig out that string.

The funny thing is that many years ago my mother went to one of her sister's when the sister was having a nervous breakdown. She was horrified at the sister's hoarding, and considered it a sign of mental illness. But her own house is completely different...

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » zazenducke

Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2012, at 11:11:42

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder, posted by zazenducke on May 4, 2012, at 9:40:44

I'm fond of her myself, when the rage isn't predominant. There's no better person to put to the task of discovering something with limited information. With that kind of will, she can do incredible things. It's just not pleasant to have that will directed towards me.

The authorities won't do anything, but I wouldn't wish to do anything in my brother's name. I wouldn't refuse to take responsibility. I had to look up Suzanne Chabaud. I never have been able watch Hoarders - it makes me far too anxious. What I've seen is mainly screencaps and descriptions. I didn't realize there was a local expert. I wouldn't back my mother in any fistfights, but I'd back her will against anyone's. It was kind of scary to see her so helpless lately. I think of her kind of will as being the sort that God would use to keep the world turning. It's against the natural order to see that will weakened. But she's back to doing far better than anyone expected. If she wants to walk again, by George, she will.

 

Re: My mother is a hoarder » sleepygirl2

Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2012, at 11:15:05

In reply to Re: My mother is a hoarder » Dinah, posted by sleepygirl2 on May 4, 2012, at 16:45:20

I could see something like that happening, if my mother had the funds. And of course, now I know my uncle is even worse than she is, I can see how their mutual tendencies reinforce each other. When Daddy was alive, his viewpoints kept her from getting this bad.

I like stuff as much as the next guy, but I would be too terrified of rodents to want to live that way.


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